Move Along, Citizen

Max35

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Chapter 1: Why does God where a Mask?.

The Combine recruit stood steady and silent against the blaring sun. The plaza where he stood was nearly empty, with only a few sulking citizens and Combine guards occupying it. Three days, it had been three days since he had joined up with the Combine “Overwatch”.

He had no other choice, really. His family was long since dead, and he wandered the streets for awhile mingling with the homeless and the insane, he preferred to be neither. He might have been faceless, but at least he was well fed and slept sound at night.

Even if that sleep was nothing more than an artificial electric abyss. He dreamed of nothing during those dark, empty nights with only the persistent groans and creaks coming from somewhere far off in the alien Citadel’s interior to keep him company.

But, once he woke up and shook the last of his electric fantasies away he would grab his stun baton and make his way out into the streets of City 17. There was no other feeling like it, dominating your fellow humans. Knowing -you- were in charge, and nobody else. He ignored the Breen casts. Some old man droning on and on about “humanities flaws”. *** you, he thought. I like myself just fine. He knew when it came down to it, he and his buddies were in charge. And it looked, for the foreseeable future, it would stay that way.

Things would have been perfect, if his friend Jake Harbor would’ve stayed in the city. Except Harbor was always a man looking for bigger and better things. After he led that raid into some apartment building down the street and killed at least a dozen rebels, the Combine Elite offered to promote him. And Harbor took it without hesitating. Sure, he had to go for “off-world training”, but that didn’t stop him. That was the last he ever saw of his friend, and one of the reasons he joined Civil Protection. He didn’t have his protection anymore. It was time to step up in society, even if that meant leaving a little of his humanity behind.

Every time an elite unit of Combine officers would march by, leading a raid, or escorting “offenders” to the prison, he wondered if his friend’s face lay behind one of those masks. He tried not to think about it too much. He had a comfortable life, a steady supply of food, some rec time at the reproduction simulator; he might even live forever, if the rumors were true. He existed, that was all that mattered.

The Recruit watched as a mother and her twelve year old son cautiously walked past. “Mommy, why does God where a mask?.” “He’s not God, just a man Timmy, now sush”, the mother offered. “Well, he tells us what to do, makes our decisions for us”, the mother steered the child away before the recruit could hear the full conversation.

“Hey, Aaron, you there buddy?:. “Yeah, I’m here”. “Okay, our CP Sarg says your supposed to head back to the Citadel, time for some, err...training”, the voice told him. “Alright, let me get someone to cover my position”. Well, Aaron thought. Its time to move on up in the ranks and show them what a real God can do.
 
your title is one of Banimal's most famous words.
 
I like.

Make conversations in seperate paragraphs, though. A whole block of conversation is hard to read, and doesn't really read like one either.
 
cool ideas, same stuff as Jintor, make it less straning on the eyes
 
Indeed, looking forward to the next chapter.
 
as am i, i like things that humanise the "evil" side of a game/book/film. das ist gut ja!
 
Chapter 2: First Test

Aaron stepped onto the cramped tram, which was shaped like a large, sleek beetle, placing his stun baton on one of the seats, before gazing out the windows indefinitely. He’d been to the Citadel many times before, but this time he was going to a “secured” area, only accessible to the Combine military.

Aaron watched as the tram sped past, revealing long, winding tunnels of cold grey steel. Countless walkways spread out beneath him, interconnected like spider-webs. Numerous alien creatures and Combine soldiers walked among them, even the occasional, hollowed out human he later found out were called “Stalkers”. He sometimes saw them riding in their metal shells, arms and legs bound to the steel.

Aaron did pity them, but he knew it was either comply and conform, or join them. What good would rebelling do at this point?. He saw what happened to those that chose that path. Aaron snapped to attention, he was entering the restricted center of the Citadel, he gaped at what he saw.

Thirty foot tall Striders were lined against the walls, with the Combine Elite patrolling the inter-connected walkways that linked their repair stations. Sometimes the white, ghostly forms stopped and looked at him. Aaron met their gazes with a cold stare.

The tram passed outside for a sheer moment, brilliant white light shone on his face, but the mask he wore blocked the natural warmth from reaching his face. Once the tram passed into the interior of the Citadel again, it descended into a large cavernous pit.

The bottom of it was lost to the dark. And as the tram descended further, Aaron’s hands shook. What if the tram froze on its rails, and he was left to rot on the tram forever?. Or maybe it would snap off the rails immediately, and his body would tumble and break into a thousand pieces once it reached the ground. The situation was ripe with endless, macabre possibilities.

Just as he was about to scream, the tram began to move down again and he heard a voice speak to him in the darkness.

“Well met, new recruit. You passed the first test, meaning you didn’t scream like a little mama’s boy and put your hands over your head”. The voice cackled coldly.

“You don’t know how many recruits fail that one. Alright, I’m going to bring your tram down, and then we can start your training.”

The tram descended about a foot then settled into the station, where he waited before the automatic door hissed open. The artificial, alien lights of the Citadel flooded Aaron’s eyes and he moved slowly forward. Once his eyes adjusted to the light, he walked down the walkway suspended over the endless pit under him.

A rather large soldier came up to him, and patted him on the back. “We’re gonna have some fun with you, I can tell that already. First thing’s first, its time to get rid of that mask. Captain Tower likes to see the faces of the men he’s going to torment.” The man reached one great hand out over Aaron’s head and pulled off the mask before he had time to react.

“There, much better. Oh, and the name’s Greg by the way, what’s yours?.

“Aaron”, he said quietly.

Greg laughed “Being shy isn’t going to get you anywhere, except maybe the streets. We all know what that’s like. My personal advice: be loud!, cover your own ears if you have to. Don’t let Captain Tower see you scared, he’ll shred you up quicker than the Manhacks they throw at the civvies.”

“Don’t worry, Greg offered. “You won’t be a pedestrian for long, I’ll personally see to that.”
 
Beautiful, you got the layout much better.

Good work.
 
You are a really really good writer, i never read, EVER, and i read every word that you wrote, that is really interesting, PLEASE KEEP WRITING 'EM!
 
Very good post, love the Combine way of testing...
agreeing with Jintor, the layout is much better
 
Chapter 3: Training

Aaron entered an impossibly large, cavernous room. Countless scanners were suspended in midair, just floating aimlessly like the rejected spawn of some mechanical god. Dozens of soldiers were standing silently, listening to a man behind a small, elevated podium.

His voice boomed, seemed to echo endlessly throughout the cavern.

“I’m going to read off the list of new recruits, if you’re here I feel sorry for you, if you’re not, well, I profoundly apologize for your lack of intelligence”.

A few of the soldiers laughed.

“Jasper Thomas!”.

“I’m here!, well sort of, anyway!”, a young, deliberately high-pitched voice yelled.

“What’s this, some first degree smart ass made his way into my ranks?. The man stepped off of the podium, agile as a cat, but with the steely determination of a beast. He strolled forward quickly, the other soldiers standing aside as he passed through the ranks.

The man took out his stun baton and held it for a moment at his side. Then in the blink of an eye, he shoved it into Jasper’s stomach. “I’m Captain Tower, pleased to meet you”. Tower started to move away but turned back.

“You’re lucky I didn’t shove it up your ass instead”, Tower said in a sadistic voice.

The other soldiers began to murmur to each other. Aaron stood stiffly, staring straight ahead. He had signed up for the military with enough confidence of a rabid wolf, but now he wasn’t so sure.

“Alright”, Captain Tower began once he resumed his position on the podium. “Your training is about to begin. Each of you will be handed a 9mm pistol and some additional ammo. Then, you’ll be released into the “pits” where a few surprises wait for you.

“After that, well, you’re on your own”, Tower finished, signaling to an Elite soldier standing beside him. Who then signaled for his comrades to walk among the men and hand them their weapons.

“Oh, and uh, one more thing. Your not a CP anymore. No more abusing citizens as your day job, consider it a rec time activity. Its time to assert our authority as members of the Overwatch. Rebels will not be tolerated, only dealt with extreme prejudice”.

Captain Towers stepped off of the podium and disappeared into the darkness behind it.

One of the soldiers next to Aaron stepped close and whispered “Looks like we’re in for a day of non-stop entertainment. I say we stick together in this training thing, unless they deliberately separate us. It’ll make it easier on both of us, what do you say?”.

“Sure, that’s fine by me”, Aaron replied.

“I’m Barney Calhoun, but it make it a lot easier on me if you just called me “Cal”, okay?”.

“I have no problem with that. Oh, I’m Aaron, by the way.”

Barney nodded “I wouldn’t get too hung up on names, though.”

“Alright, men. Your about to be introduced to the pits.” One of the Elite officers began in a loud, booming voice.

“Good luck, and watch out for friendly fire...it isn’t so friendly when you get your toes shot off”.

Some of the soldiers laughed, others moaned to themselves. “That’s the spirit”, someone remarked sarcastically from behind him.

“I’m Jasper, looks like I’m in your unit. Hey, at least we’ll all die together.”

“This kid is gonna get on my nerves, I just have that feeling”, Barney whispered as they stepped into the darkness of the tunnels.
 
Other than a few minor grammatical and punctation mistakes, very good!

The last two chapters were an improvement on the first I think, but I just have a thing about dialogue and paragraphs, so...:upstare:

Good job with description and Aaron's reactions, and Jasper sounds like he might be an interesting character. I like it so far. More please!:D
 
Sorry for the grammatical errors and the like. That was mainly in the first chapter, right?. Its just I write so fast, and in short spurts, that I completely ignore grammar and punctuation lol!. As for Japser, yeah, he was made to be one of the more interesting characters. I'm trying to work on the rest of them to be more "dynamic". Chapter 4 will probably be put up sometime tomorrow.
 
I lied, got inspired so I wrote chapter 4 today. Hope this is an improvement over the other chapters.

Chapter 4: The Pits

As soon as Aaron stepped into the darkness of the tunnels, water sloshed under his boots. No, it was much thicker than water. He didn’t dare think what it was. Greg came towards them. Aaron could tell it was him by his unusually large frame.

“So, Unit 5, I’m Greg Feron, I’ll be your leader during the duration of your training. Any objections, well, you’re free to walk the pits by yourself, just don’t count on anyone finding your body”, Greg said but Aaron could tell that the deep, sadistic voice was forced.

“Alright, what’s your master plan, then?”, Jasper commented.

“Listen you little sarcastic prick, you either put up, or I’ll throw your body from here to kingdom come, got it!. Greg fire back.

“Alright men, time to move out. Captain Tower is expecting our particular unit to be done within the hour. In Formation!.”

The rest of the men lined up behind Aaron, and he slowly began to move forward.

As they turned the corner Greg yelled “Ready your weapons, enemies ahead!”.

Aaron pulled his weapon shakily from his holster and pointed it in front of him. Jasper crouched low in the dim lights provided by the tunnels, his form almost lost in the semi-transparent green mist that rose above the watery like substance at their feet.

Jasper’s moves seemed almost studied, perfected over a long period of time. Aaron couldn’t put his finger on it.

“Watch it!” Greg said from in front of him, knocking him to the side with his large frame. A small creature about the size of his head flew past Aaron and Greg’s bullets tore accurately through the creature in midair.

Barney rushed past them both. Taking his pistol and firing almost blindly at the shapes ahead. Suddenly, an ear-piercing boom deafened Aaron accompanied by yips and other strange noises. Aaron moved cautiously forward, forcing one leg in front of the other.

His ears prickled, and he heard the splashing of water more than fifteen feet away from him. It came closer and closer, with an almost unnatural speed. Then he was face to face with it, some three-legged demon with a large, sporadically blinking eye for a face. And dark green skin pulled tight over a skeletal frame. It hopped closer and began to vibrate, making a strange alien sound that drove him insane.

Aaron’s mind seemed to slow down in sync with the blinking eye of the creature. As it’s eye opened up again, Aaron fired three shots from his pistol one right after another. Although it seemed to him that between each shot was an eternity waiting to swallow him.

Barney came up to Aaron, patting his shoulder.

“You alright there, buddy?”.

“I’m fine”, Aaron said. “How did you–?”.

“Experience bud, experience, that’s all you need to know right now”, Barney replied.

“Enough chatter, we got Stalkers fifty paces ahead, men, ready your weapons!.”, Greg ordered. “Alright, time to pull out the big guns”, he said to himself in a low voice and pulled out a shotgun.

“Hey, why does the vet get the big toys?”, Jasper yelled a few feet behind them.

Greg turned around “Because I know how to use it, and I have to make sure your sorry asses don’t get killed”.

Jasper shook his head and continued to follow silently, staying to the shadows. Aaron heard moans, being amplified by the endless tunnels. What he eventually saw horrified him. Things that barely resembled humanity. Steel plates covered their eyes, and metal hooks hung from their skeletal arms. Their feet were replaced with large, pointy spikes as if walking itself was meant to cause them pain.

“See”, Greg said. “This is what happens when you become a rebel, or f*ck up a mission. Just stay clear-headed, don’t let them mess with your head. Shit, we got targets from every angle!.” Greg whipped out the shotgun and released both barrels into the shadows.

Aaron heard something go flying, and heard a moan from beside him. A bloody form reached up for him, but Aaron placed a bullet neatly in the Stalker’s head. He breathed a sigh of relief, as if killing it had released his fears of becoming one.

“Shit!, I lost my”, Greg began but Jasper leapt from his corner and grabbed the shotgun near its tip from the murky waters, and whirled around, firing the gun with surprising efficiency. He sprayed the bullets in a sem-circle and back again. All was quiet.

“See, I can take care of myself, you all just remember that”, Jasper said defiantly.

“Yeah, just give me my gun. I think that’s enough training for now. Now its time for a real mission, then we’ll see how well you can handle yourself”, Greg retorted taking a left in the fork of the tunnels, and a few more turns Aaron failed to remember before seeing the bright lights offered by the Citadel’s main caverns.

“Well, shows over Aaron” Barney looked at him frankly. “We’ll probably be sent on a routine raiding mission next. I have a feeling its only going to get better from here on out”, Aaron didn’t respond to Calhoun’s sarcasm but followed Greg into the blinding white lights that seemed to him to resemble the gates of heaven.

Except he knew that there wasn’t salvation on the other side.
 
its imensely imense. keep going, i want more
 
this is absolutly mad. i cant wait for the next chapter.
if i may make a suggestion, maybe you could make them in word and then update it in there, editing the post that contains the wordfile to attach the new one instead of the old
 
Omg omg omg omg omg, make another one, i can't wait any longer!!!!!
 
Chapter 5: Ghost Raid

Aaron stood still in the almost impenetrable fog, with the sporadic blue flickers of other CP officers stun batons illuminating the night. They had called it a ghost raid, in and out, without warning. No survivors were to be tolerated.

Aaron shivered at the thought of killing a person. Down there in the tunnels, all he killed were rabid beasts, it was self-defense, that was all. Now, he would be exterminating his own species with “extreme prejudice” as Captain Tower had put it.

“Alright, satchel charge in place. Everyone back up”, Greg whispered harshly. “Move, move, move!”, he repeated in a slightly louder tone. They all hurriedly retraced their steps. Within seconds the door blew open, taking chunks of wall with it. Now, it looked more like a haphazardly constructed gateway to the underworld than an entrance into a mundane tenement on an equally mundane street.

Aaron all at once pitied the stagnant souls trapped inside.

“Move!”, Greg ordered. “Officer #1, take the rear entrance, and be stealthy, use those ballerina feet god gave you”, he snickered.

“F*ck you,”, Jasper said into his mouthpiece. The only reply was a rough cackle.

“Alright, Aaron, Calhoun, rush the front, now!”. Aaron readied his sidearm awkwardly, while Barney reflexively moved in, without regard to his own safety. Somehow, it always had a positive affect. Bravery mixed with hidden luck, can make all the difference in the world.

As Aaron followed close behind Calhoun, wrapped in his elongated shadow, he again felt pity for those that instinctively felt bravery as a need, but had the luck of a man with his eyes poked out, scraped out by his own fingernails.

The two made their way into the entryway, not a soul in sight.

“I’ll check the first room, check into the one opposite mine, we’ll make more headway by splitting up”, Calhoun suggested. Aaron nodded and opened the door opposite Calhoun’s. He peered cautiously inside. Again, the room seemed abandoned. He didn’t understand why Captain Tower sent them here, of all places in City17.

Then, in a split second, he realized. A figure peered out of the darkness, a blur of blue, then of a rushing bullet speeding towards its target. He let out a short gasp when he realized who it was. “Jake”, he cried reflexively.

Aaron rushed over to his old friend. The bullet had imbedded itself in Jake’s right shoulder, certainly not a fatal wound.

“Aaron, wh-what are you doing here?”, Jake asked in a hoarse voice.

“I could ask you the same question, but, why are you dressed like a civive?”, Aaron asked, deliberately lowering his voice.

“Let’s just say that my ambition got the better of me, atleast, not the kind your thinking of”, Jake replied.

“Crap, I’m pinned down, need back up, now!”, Aaron heard Jasper’s voice over his headset, but made no attempt to move.

“Go, I can’t take you out, not even if there was a gun to my head. I said get the f*ck out of here!”. Aaron turned his head and Jake scrambled to his feet, and headed towards a broken window. Before he crawled to safety he turned back to Aaron.

“That’s what always disappointed me about you, Aaron. You never did what was necessary for you, or the people around you. I hope this is a valuable lesson for you”, Jake said before he slipped like an eel out the window.

Barney’s voice came on, static marring the transmission. “Man injured, leg wound, medic now!”.

“Shit”, Aaron whispered.

Calhoun came crashing into the room.

“Aaron, you okay, I heard you scream, but I was pinned down at the moment. Aaron nodded.

“Let’s go check on Jasper”, he said.

“How did you”, Barney started.

“That fool doesn’t know the meaning of the word caution”. Barney laughed and helped Aaron to his feet. They walked out of the building and into the front lawn, where Jasper lay on a stretcher, slightly bleeding.


As Aaron followed close behind Calhoun, wrapped in his elongated shadow, he again felt pity for those that instinctively felt bravery as a need, but had the luck of a man with his eyes poked out, scraped out by his own fingernails.

It suddenly occurred to him that irony abounded in this latest episode of his life. They had called it a ghost raid, indeed it was. The ghosts of his past had been found, and now they were unleashed inside of him, possessing him. Aaron looked at Calhoun and gave him a brief smile.

“Irony’s a b*tch, I’m ready to go home”.
 
I've only read this chapter and it's so much better than the first stories you wrote all those months ago..
 
Thanks eatbugs. Back then I think I was more interested in the concepts of a story, not actual characterization. I learned that one without the other is, quite obviously, horribly boring. Is that what you meant by improvement?. Just curious.
 
I'd read some of your earlier stories too, and although I can't speak for Eatbugs, I think focusing on characterization really has make a difference. You had some good ideas, but the stories lacked depth without interesting characters.

A couple of things:

- Keep your punctation inside the quotations and don't double up. A couple of examples: "Everyone back up”, Greg whispered and “Move!”, Greg ordered. In the first, the comma should be inside the quotation mark and in the second, the comma is unneccessary.

-
As Aaron followed close behind Calhoun, wrapped in his elongated shadow, he again felt pity for those that instinctively felt bravery as a need, but had the luck of a man with his eyes poked out, scraped out by his own fingernails.
The message you're going for is a little unclear here, at least to me.

One other thing I would like to see, is for you to take a little more time with it. This chapter felt a little rushed. You could have had Aaron take a little longer before he found Jake and built up the tension that he was feeling. And what does the building look like once he's inside? Is it a mouldering old tenement or a surprisingly tidy hideout? Just a few details sprinkled in can make a big difference.

Overall, though, very good! I particularly enjoyed Greg's comment about ballerina feet. :laugh: Please continue!
 
Tinyxipe, thanks for the tips. I'll keep that in mind, although grammer has never been my strong suit :P. Anyway, as for the metaphor with the unclear message, I bascically meant that Jake was a brave soul, but had bad luck (being caught in the ghost raid for one) caused by being deliberately blinded by his choice of joining the resistance with no regard for his safety. Something like that anyway, lol!.

Also, I'll try and take my time with subsequent chapters. The next chapter will (eventually) take place in Nova Prospekt, so I'm going to take more time introducing the new characters and setting. It should be twice the length compared to the other chapters.
 
Well, I'm feeling generally uninspired at the moment. Thinking of ending it and starting something fresh. You know, I'm really starting to resent my short creative attention span.....:rolleyes:
 
Max35 said:
Well, I'm feeling generally uninspired at the moment. Thinking of ending it and starting something fresh. You know, I'm really starting to resent my short creative attention span.....:rolleyes:
That was the major problem when I wrote here, I couldn't keep the momentum up with one story so I now have half completed stories all through my hardrive. What I do is make a brief overview of the story before I write it (one page overview) that way I don't need to keep thinking of how the story should go next instead by refering back to a plan all I need to do is think of how to fill out the story.

I Don't know if that's what you want to do, but it works for me anyway
 
Well, this fanfiction won't be recieving anymore attention sad to say, I'm working on a script for "Decay 2" (my very own version of a sequel to the Playstation 2 exclusive) for a mod I hope to start in the future.
 
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