New Study Shows: Videogames are Threat to Humanity

[Narcolepsy]

New Study Shows: Videogames are Threat to Humanity (Humor Article)

With all of the recent uproar over the Hot Coffee mod scandal, I thought it might be a good time to ressurect an old school newspaper article I had written about the controversy over videogame violence. It's not exactly my most briliant piece of work, but hopefully you'll at least find it to be an entertaining read:

DISCLAIMER: The following is a work of fiction. Any events bearing any resemblance to reality are purely coincidental.

New Study Shows:
VIDEOGAMES ARE THREAT TO HUMANITY

By [Censored]
Level 40 Sorceror of Satire

By the time police arrived at the scene, it was already too late. The house of the Johnson family was a raging inferno, the sky an incarnadine whirlwind of smoke and flames. Outside, Little Timmy, age 12, was cackling maniacally as his entire family was reduced to a crispy treat for the roaches that had always driven them mad. The authorities stood in awe as Timmy pleaded with thin air, frantically clenching his fist first to rock, then to scissors, then to paper.

As the fire fizzled, the smoke subsided, and the ashes were swept away, the true lunacy of the case was revealed. The bodies of the deceased were found in a doorless, windowless room, floating in mid-air. Inside were no less than 23 fireplaces. When asked for information pertaining to the crime, Timmy replied simply, “Rosebud;!;!;!;!;!;!;!;!”

The crime was just the latest in a series of incidents cased by the popular computer game, The Sims. The object of the game, according to several videogame experts, is to lead a virtual human, or “Sim”, through a cursed life filled with senseless violence and woohoo. The player earns more "points" for executing more and more sinful actions, and these points can be cashed in for heart-shaped hot tubs and other “rewards”, consuming the player’s soul in a downward spiral of decadence.

But this latest travesty against the human race was too much. The Sims had to be stopped before civilization itself was swallowed up in its overwhelming evil. On a bright, cold April morning in Washington, a fiery Joe Lieberman took the stand.

“My fellow Americans: you have no doubt been troubled by the recent wave of Sims-induced violence sweeping the nation. Something must be done. Videogames are becoming more realistic, more graphic, more violent. They are dousing our United States in the napalm of hate. They are weaving a web of treachery, are spinning the top of discord, are stuffing our mouths with hyperbolic metaphors, are…” He trailed off, his hands shaking in a fit of psychotic rage. Regaining his composure, he continued, “That is why I have commissioned a study on videogame violence. We will determine the extent to which our youth have been corrupted, and what we can do to quell the plague before it is too late.”

The study was certainly impressive, and its findings equally shocking. Interviewing two inmates at a maximum security prison, the experts commissioned in the study were shocked to hear that both had played videogames before being convicted!

As if to confirm the findings, the madness continued to multiply.

• A 16 year old committed suicide after the World of Warcraft server containing his level 60 Paladin crashed. The psychotic, bipolar tendencies that he had exhibited in the preceding months were clearly caused by the game.

• The science wing of an undisclosed high school was lost in a horrific explosion. The student had evidently been trying to brew a potion of Quality Rising Force in order to float above the floors of the school and circumvent the dress code. “But Mrs. Anderson said that our flip flops couldn’t hit the floor!” he wailed as the deans dragged him away.

• In a particularly disturbing incident, a teen unleashed the wrath of his katana on his best friend. When asked for an explanation, he cried that he had been trying to level up his revive spell, but had run out of mana.

• A group of young men opened fire on a busy interstate highway. One was killed after he attempted to hijack a car moving at 90mph, and the others testified that Grand Theft Auto 3 (the game that gives you points for killing women) made them do it.

This seemed like the perfect opportunity for a few well-placed lawsuits. Targets included Rockstar Entertainment (the games studio responsible for the crime), Sony (for making the Playstation, the system on which the offending game is played), and the nation of Japan (for bringing modern videogames to the United States.

The evidence was hard to deny. With the study completed, its results were carefully considered in the following session of Congress. A sole dissenter desperately sprung to his feet spewing nonsense about enhanced visual and spatial skills, but inexplicably slumped to the floor with a dull thud mid-sentence. A euphoric Lieberman declared, “I come to you today with a simple proposal. The sale of videogames must be banned to all minors. And before you dismiss my proposal as extreme, I ask you to remember Timmy.” The decision that had to be made was clear, and assent was unanimous.

In other news, the same session voted to send 2,000 more troops to Iraq.

I hope you found it an interesting read. Regardless, I'm interested in pursuing either journalism or writing in general in the future, so I'd love to hear any of your comments or criticisms.

By the way, I really wasn't sure what forum to post this thread in. It borders between gaming, politics, and writing criticism, so I just decided to stick it in the broadest category possible.

 

[Vegeta897]

That is a humor article, correct? Funny as hell. Edit- Didn't read the first bit in your post. Nice work btw.

I liked: "The bodies of the deceased were found in a doorless, windowless room, floating in mid-air. Inside were no less than 23 fireplaces."

 

[chrisuk27]

Just promise not to publish this over there...they might just believe you!

 

[MjM]

Hehe , here i was naively thinking religious fundamentalists with nukes were the greatest threat to humanity.

 

[Greatgat]

Ah, fun article. I think that the whole "Videogames is teh Murder" thing is rediculous. But of course, I am posting on a videogame forum, so my views may be skewed a bit...

 

[Milkman]

Ah, fun article. I think that the whole "Videogames is teh Murder" thing is rediculous. But of course, I am posting on a videogame forum, so my views may be skewed a bit...

I don't post on a gun forum and I don't think guns kill people but people kill people. So dont be so unsure of youself.

 

[CyberPitz]

I don't post on a gun forum and I don't think guns kill people but people kill people. So dont be so unsure of youself.

They do too! Ever watched "House"? The gardening tools tried to kill Roger Cobb all by themselves, who says a gun can't do that?!?!

 

[Milkman]

They do too! Ever watched "House"? The gardening tools tried to kill Roger Cobb all by themselves, who says a gun can't do that?!?!

I think I have seen that, and if I recall correctly, the gardening tools were influenced by ghosts.

I guess you were joking, but yeah. Does the main character in that movie has flashbacks to vietnam?

 

[Jintor]

That was awesome.

 

[CyberPitz]

I think I have seen that, and if I recall correctly, the gardening tools were influenced by ghosts.

I guess you were joking, but yeah. Does the main character in that movie has flashbacks to vietnam?

Yeah...and no the items of objects were animated by the house! The house is a crazy shit. Mean too.

That movie is one of my favorites, ranks up there with Short Circuit.

Best line ever.
"Big Ben!!"
"No it's your fairy god-mother!"

seeing a gruesomely fake skeleton costume say that is hillarious in its own rights

 

[xLostx]

• In a particularly disturbing incident, a teen unleashed the wrath of his katana on his best friend. When asked for an explanation, he cried that he had been trying to level up his revive spell, but had run out of mana.

ahahahaha that's awesome

 

[Narcolepsy]

I find it hilarious that when I wrote this article some months ago, I was trying to think of the most absurd example of videogame violence possible, but recently, The Sims 2 has actually come under attack by the anti-gaming lunatics.

Thompson's new conclusion: EA is "cooperating, gleefully, with the mod community to turn Sims 2 into a porn offering."

Thanks for all of your replies so far. :cheers:

 

[Vegeta897]

Wow... I was trying to use The Sims 2 as the most absurd example of videogame violence possible, but here's this attorney Jack Thompson who is actually tring to ban it! What is this world coming to?



Thanks for all of your replies so far. :cheers:

What a ****ing asshole that guy is. He doesn't give a shit about the youth being protected, he just wants to piss us off.

 

[tinyxipe]

Great article.

It truly does boggle the mind that there are people actually walking around out there with that degree of narrow-mindedness. Someday, perhaps we will all live in a world where people take responsiblity for their own actions. Or not....

 

[Danimal]

For a second there I thought it was an actual article.

I was going to write a rant of rantyness.

 

[CyberPitz]

Yeah this article is hillarious. Needs more attention....

THIS WASNT A BUMP I SWEAR!

 

[Beerdude26]

Lol that was hilarious, nice article

 

[Stigmata]

Just promise not to publish this over there...they might just believe you!

Might?

Great writing, by the way, I love satire

 

[Narcolepsy]

Yeah this article is hillarious. Needs more attention....

THIS WASNT A BUMP I SWEAR!

Mwahahaha... My nefarious plot was successful! I LOVE YOU, MAN! :E

 

[Narcolepsy]

*bumps head on thread*
Wha... how did this get here?

Hope the new generation of hl2.netters enjoys it.

 

[JNightshade]

Heh, I did

 

[ríomhaire]

You win teh internets for that article
*ríomhaire wishes he could win teh internets one day* ;(

 

[99.vikram]

Funny stuff!

 

[Stigmata]

A year old, but still good as new. Which says a lot about our society.

 

[Que-Ever]

ooooooooooold aaaaaaaaaaaaass pooooooooooost D:

 

[PvtRyan]

Haha, that was great! :thumbs:

I never killed my Sims though by burning them. I made pools and then removed the steps to get out. Or I had friends from the neighbourhood come over and I built a 1x1 box around them.

My first real contact with graphic game violence was with Blood. O that was great, decapitating people and then football with their heads.

O what a horrible person (read: psychopath) should I be according to the critics. Except that I don't even kill all spiders I find in the house, I let 'em free (**** the big ones though, they're scary).

I'd say the only crazy ****ers are the critics, that they even see the old lady I run over (and back up over her corpse to run her over again) in GTA as real people. Now that's crazy.

 

[Narcolepsy]

Yay for multiquote!

You win teh internets for that article
*ríomhaire wishes he could win teh internets one day* ;(

Hooray! So... how many internets do I win?

A year old, but still good as new. Which says a lot about our society.

Yep, just replace Lieberman with Thompson and I could have written it yesterday. :E Problem is, if I used Jack Thompson, it wouldn't be satire - it would be truth!

ooooooooooold aaaaaaaaaaaaass pooooooooooost D:

So what exactly is your point?

Haha, that was great! :thumbs:

I never killed my Sims though by burning them. I made pools and then removed the steps to get out. Or I had friends from the neighbourhood come over and I built a 1x1 box around them.

My first real contact with graphic game violence was with Blood. O that was great, decapitating people and then football with their heads.

O what a horrible person (read: psychopath) should I be according to the critics. Except that I don't even kill all spiders I find in the house, I let 'em free (**** the big ones though, they're scary).

I'd say the only crazy ****ers are the critics, that they even see the old lady I run over (and back up over her corpse to run her over again) in GTA as real people. Now that's crazy.

You're quite the crazy ****er yourself, what with your almost Shakespearean use of "O" coupled with your dubious grammar. D:

 

[Bad^Hat]

It's true! The only thing more life destroying than video games is telemarketing :O

 

[Stigmata]

I was reading this thread, lolling at the article and reading the replies, when I realised that the last post in here was from over two years ago.

I don't know how I got to this thread, and I'm scared.

 

[Solaris]

now this wonderful thread is going to get locked.

I remember when it was first posted.

 

[Raziaar]

Hehe , here i was naively thinking religious fundamentalists with nukes were the greatest threat to humanity.

No. Cult of Personality leaders with nukes are a bigger threat.

 

[Gray Fox]

Haha, that was great! :thumbs:

I never killed my Sims though by burning them. I made pools and then removed the steps to get out. Or I had friends from the neighbourhood come over and I built a 1x1 box around them.

My first real contact with graphic game violence was with Blood. O that was great, decapitating people and then football with their heads.

O what a horrible person (read: psychopath) should I be according to the critics. Except that I don't even kill all spiders I find in the house, I let 'em free (**** the big ones though, they're scary).

I'd say the only crazy ****ers are the critics, that they even see the old lady I run over (and back up over her corpse to run her over again) in GTA as real people. Now that's crazy.

Hey I even let the big ones go, why would you kill them you ****, no matter the size they all
fit in to a cup. You do catch them with a cup and paper right?

Also I never killed my sims, jesus ****.

 

[PvtRyan]

Hey I even let the big ones go, why would you kill them you ****, no matter the size they all
fit in to a cup. You do catch them with a cup and paper right?

Also I never killed my sims, jesus ****.

But they're big!

When the legs of a spider make a tapping sound when it walks across your floor, I will fucking kill it.

 

[Gray Fox]

Jesus Christ that's scary, still you're horrible. Poor spiders don't hurt people, at least the ones in Holland don't. Also you ever feed duckies?

 

[PvtRyan]

Jesus Christ that's scary, still you're horrible. Poor spiders don't hurt people, at least the ones in Holland don't. Also you ever feed duckies?

With spiders.

And don't tell me you wouldn't kill this spider (occurs in Dutchland):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giant_house_spider

They're terrifying, huge and lightning fast.

 

[Gray Fox]

Oh god that is so scary, I would probably have run away and burned the house down. Because I'm not a sick **** like you.

Also no, I meant just feed them with leftovers, I do that every day , go to the park and just feed the ducks
the leftovers, did that at my high school too, just across it, there was a park and pool and I would feed
the ducks. I just came back from feeding them.

Sometimes I put chocolate and peanut butter paste on left over bread. You know cause that taste better.

 

[Raziaar]

Oh god that is so scary, I would probably have run away and burned the house down. Because I'm not a sick **** like you.

Killing scary spiders makes someone a hero, not a sick ****.

 

[Saturos]

Except it's completely backwards. Humanity is a threat to videogames.

 

[Atomic_Piggy]

Holy Necromancer!

 

[Azner]

In other news, the same session voted to send 2,000 more troops to Iraq.

Oh lol