Opposing Shephard Story

[hot564231]

i might as well do this:

read away and tell me what you think

 

[$kelet0r]

alot of criticism
- use a spell check and proof check your work
- get someone older and more talented to rewrite it
- the opening is lifted straight from raising the bar
- the 1st chapter is a carbon copy of hl2's first chapter
- the dialogue is risible
- there's no gameplay, what do you the player do?????
- dont make otis so ridiculous, comedic but not a waste of oxygen
- why is otis there at all???
- in fact none of this makes any sense
- the story just consists of shephard crawling through vents


i read it beginning to end and it is a poor effort - my advice do it again
and then do it again
trust me
i have tried to be constructive so while there is hope you have alot of work to do
and do take my advice on No. 2 - you do need some help with your prose

 

[Asknoone]

I'd recommend hiring a writer.

 

[hot564231]

alot of criticism
- use a spell check and proof check your work
- get someone older and more talented to rewrite it
- the opening is lifted straight from raising the bar
- the 1st chapter is a carbon copy of hl2's first chapter
- the dialogue is risible
- there's no gameplay, what do you the player do?????
- dont make otis so ridiculous, comedic but not a waste of oxygen
- why is otis there at all???
- in fact none of this makes any sense
- the story just consists of shephard crawling through vents


i read it beginning to end and it is a poor effort - my advice do it again
and then do it again
trust me
i have tried to be constructive so while there is hope you have alot of work to do
and do take my advice on No. 2 - you do need some help with your prose

un huh, i see. anything good to say?

 

[Asknoone]

I don't think he had anything good to say

But honestly, it is no use ripping something from Raising the bar. It stands out like a sore thumb against the rest of you're writing. I'd honestly recommend getting a proper writer, it looks like you'll be needing one.

 

[63]

"G-man: up them stair’s you go, corporal."

Up them stairs indeed.

 

[Sulkdodds]

I can't read it since, hilariously, I don't have MS word.

But it doesn't sound like I'm missing out on much. :upstare:

 

[Ennui]

Ahem. Not intending to outright insult you, but that was horrible. Grammar and spelling errors abound throughout a poorly written and completely unphenomenal story.

 

[Sloth]

what are you writing it for?
If it's just a story; your formating is realy bad to look at, the text jumps too much etc.

If it's a mod, are you then the "writer"?

 

[Asknoone]

Ahem. Not intending to outright insult you, but that was horrible. Grammar and spelling errors abound throughout a poorly written and completely unphenomenal story.

I'm going to second this.

If you want you're mod to be a success, then you really, really need to get yourself an actual writer.

 

[AJ Rimmer]

Very dry dialouge and characters covered in lots of bad clichés.
Bad spelling is not *very* important, but this gave me seizures reading and it was sometimes very hard to understand what was happening. Also agree with earlier posters, too similar to HL2's start.
Get someone who's fluent in english to write it or it is going to create misunderstandings and lots of extra work.

 

[Llama]

I'm going to second this.

If you want you're mod to be a success, then you really, really need to get yourself an actual writer.

I third it

AND IT'S YOUR! YOUR! YOUR!

Sorry, i just couldnt help it