Picnic on the side of the road

[Scales]

Alright this is my first epic Half Life fanfiction. I spent the last few weeks brainstorming and finding a place to put this up on. It will total 100 chapters approximately spread over 5 ACTS. A quick summary would be "The Gman awakes Adrian Shephard once more, for another job in a completely random place. Follow his trials and tribulations as Shephard discovers something far more sinister then the Combine"

I basically created this fanfic over the idea that Shephard discovers new aliens that are more dangerous then Xen aliens and faces human opponents far more powerful then Gordon's. So I decided to reformat this for HL2. However along the way I discovered much greater ideas and shaping Shephard as a character overall

Note: I do know there are dozens of Adrian Shephard fanfics and mods that take place in the HL2 saga. The only difference I have here is the fact this isn't formatted like a game. It is formatted more like a novel

Note this is a frame story. So it doesn't start at the beginning

Prologue

we have decided to... convey you somewhere where you can do no possible harm, and where no harm can come to you. I'm sure you can imagine that there are worse alternatives...

The darkness enveloped Shephard as he recalled these words so eloquently. He remembered Black Mesa, the scientists, even... Alice. All of these images swirled inside his mind as he saw a bright flash of light.

The area he was in was familiar. He recalled going to City 17 and using the tram system. Only this one was far larger, containing far more seats and windows. The blue suited man was standing at the far end. Shephard recognized him instantly. He was a G-Man, the first time he saw him was back at boot camp. What seemed like a million years ago.

"Ah Corporal Shephard. We meet once again. Though most likely you are not a Corporal no longer. But that is not the reason why... we are here." Shephard felt frozen in time. He couldn't move an inch.

"Now Corporal. I have contacted my employers and they are greatly pleased with your... accomplishments. They have chosen however to continue keeping you in stasis for the time being but rest assured. Due to your success I have no doubt in my mind that once again you will be... called upon..." The Gman straightened his tie slowly and watched as a green portal opened up beside him. He slowly walked into the green orb. Adrian watched as the green portal disappeared and his vision faded to black.

As the darkness enveloped him once more Adrian felt the feelings of sleep take him. As he lingered he began to reminisce. About the time when life... felt far more enjoyable. When life wasn't about whether or not you blew the face off some alien running at you down a hall. No. Life was good...

 

[Unfocused]

You basically "borrowed" the title from the "Roadside picnic" novel by the Strugatsky brothers. Is there a reason behind this?

 

[Sulkdodds]

I basically created this fanfic over the idea that Shephard discovers new aliens that are more dangerous then Xen aliens and faces human opponents far more powerful then Gordon's. So I decided to reformat this for HL2.

Sounds boring.

However along the way I discovered much greater ideas and shaping Shephard as a character overall

Good.

I think your primary problem here, besides grammatical mishaps ("you're not a corporal no longer"), is a failure to engage. Failure to engage your audience, failure to engage their intellect, and failure to engage the substance of your own story, the things that you are depicting - or rather creating - in language. That last one is too conventional a notion for my tastes but it's convenient so well run with it. Because basically the whole story so far is taken up by entirely matter-of-fact description of matter-of-fact happenings presented to the reader in a matter-of-fact way. "The area he was in was familiar" - and so is everything here. Not just familiar to fans of the Half-Life saga but familiar to anyone who reads or speaks the english language. You basically have the most stock descriptions with the least attention to anything that might surprise or interest the reader. There's no drama.

Don't feel a need to rush through things. You could make this single scene last pages if you wanted (though it may not be adisable). Your enemy is familiarity and minimum effort. Think also about how your reader will perceive what they are reading, and how you can manipulate their perceptions.

 

[ríomhaire]

If it's going to be Shephard in an entirely new and unrelated set of challenges, why make it a fan fic? If the only thing that is related to the HL series is the character of Shephard, who does not have any defined personality or particular skills other than shooting, why not make this a more original piece?

And why have you such a butchered-looking name for it?

 

[Scales]

You basically "borrowed" the title from the "Roadside picnic" novel by the Strugatsky brothers. Is there a reason behind this?

I was waiting for someone to announce that. I did like those books and found the metaphor compelling. But you have to admit it is better for me to have a name with a deeper meaning then to use a cliche'd name that has been done 1000 times.

This is all far better criticisms then what I have received on other forums.

Rominhair: I have created fanfics out of static characters before. Ive seen dozens of good fanfics that build upon Gordon Freeman as a character. But the problem with this fanfic is I already have far greater set challenges for Adrian Shephard as a new character. So if I wanted to make this into a mod it would be like doing Dark Forces out of Doom (Being an entirely new game with slight doom graphics and gameplay and then getting heralded as a doom clone) I wouldn't do nearly a good enough job with it and the mod would fail. So writing a fanfic is much easier for me onto the written public.

Also to everyone. The Prologue was written in 5 minutes and was meant to show you a part of my writing style before I actually go into my ideas. Sort of like a teaser trailer to stir criticisms so I can launch into the full product

 

[Mech Man]

I was waiting for someone to announce that. I did like those books and found the metaphor compelling. But you have to admit it is better for me to steal a name with a deeper meaning then to use an original name that i could have thought of myself

Fixx0r'd.

 

[Acepilotf14]

Rominhair!
By the way Scales, if that was a teaser trailer I would never go see the movie.

 

[Scales]

Fixx0r'd.

Screw it then. If people hate my prologue SO MUCH then fine I won't continue the story. I'll save you the trouble of coming up with comments. I have only got 1 post of criticism which have actually been useful and the rest have been about my title.

I know that if I did make an actual name people would most likely just find something else to bash about my prologue then the actual writing itself. I didn't think that instead of 1 word of encouragement (Just one word. I ask for one word of something I did at least well.) I get people bashing it at every angle.

And no one came to the conclusion that maybe (just maybe) that there was a reason why I even used that title? I didn't use it because I didn't think of anything else. I used it because of a Strugatsky plot twist I planned to introduce. But no everyone would rather have me use a cliche'd name they have heard used thousands of times

 

[Jintor]

I agree with Sulky.

Your writing fails to engage me - it feels very much like "This happened, and then this happened. Sheperd thought about this. And then this happened." It's very bland. The g-man's speech doesn't feel g-man unnatural, it just feels normal unnatural. Your language bounces around - the 'blow the face of some alien thing' was extremely jarring, especially if compared to the language used in the previous sentence.

You want my opinion? You want my true opinion?

It reads like bad fanfiction.

 

[Scales]

I agree with Sulky.

Your writing fails to engage me - it feels very much like "This happened, and then this happened. Sheperd thought about this. And then this happened." It's very bland. The g-man's speech doesn't feel g-man unnatural, it just feels normal unnatural. Your language bounces around - the 'blow the face of some alien thing' was extremely jarring, especially if compared to the language used in the previous sentence.

You want my opinion? You want my true opinion?

It reads like bad fanfiction.

Thank you. That was all I asked for

 

[Sulkdodds]

Rominhair: I have created fanfics out of static characters before. Ive seen dozens of good fanfics that build upon Gordon Freeman as a character. But the problem with this fanfic is I already have far greater set challenges for Adrian Shephard as a new character. So if I wanted to make this into a mod it would be like doing Dark Forces out of Doom (Being an entirely new game with slight doom graphics and gameplay and then getting heralded as a doom clone) I wouldn't do nearly a good enough job with it and the mod would fail. So writing a fanfic is much easier for me onto the written public.

You knobjockey! He's talking about making it an original fiction, rather than a fan fiction. His point is that if all that links this to the mother universe is the presence of Adrian Shepherd, then the link itself is pointless, because Shepherd as a character is just so much of a non-event - no personality, no history, nothing of anything. To make him compelling you would need to be either very very very clever (this is difficult and unlikely) or you would need to manifest in him a personality that the games do not attribute. And if you do that, if you are making up an entirely new Shepherd who is your own and not the game's. why don't you just make your own character from scratch?

 

[Jintor]

(Just one word. I ask for one word of something I did at least well.) I get people bashing it at every angle.

Brutal honesty here - what has been written so far is generic. Extremely generic. I can't give you a word of something you did well because you didn't.

/EDIT Btw sulky if you're not going to use your custom title can I have it? : D

If you want to know the reason why nobody thought that your title referred to a complex plot twist or metaphor it's because your writing does not reflect that level of ability. Sometimes a cliched name is better than a pretencious-sounding name. The only other options besides a 'complex' name is not a cliche'd name.

 

[Sulkdodds]

You know, if you wanted to reference Picnic without making it look like you were copying it, you could have modified it in some interesting way - Roadside Feast, or something - rather than just rephrasing it. Rephrasing it makes it look like you are trying to hide or disguise your reference, rather than making it obvious that you're doing it intentionally.

EDIT: Looking at that, it still looks a little copycattesque, so perhaps taking inspiration from Strugatsky's metaphor rather than his title.

/EDIT Btw sulky if you're not going to use your custom title can I have it? : D

No! I'm just too lazy/busy to ask for it so far.

If you think that "lazy/busy" is a contradiction, there is none; I am too busy when I am not lazy and too lazy when I am not busy.

 

[Unfocused]

And no one came to the conclusion that maybe (just maybe) that there was a reason why I even used that title? I didn't use it because I didn't think of anything else. I used it because of a Strugatsky plot twist I planned to introduce. But no everyone would rather have me use a cliche'd name they have heard used thousands of times

I came to that conclusion, hence my question which you addressed a few posts above.