Rebel City

[h31s]

This is based on the half life stories, obviously. This is my second attempt at a story on this site. I fixed some things with my writing, (including paragraphs.) Enjoy!




Keith silently sneaked from corner to corner, trying to avoid being seen. An officer down the hall was eating a sandwich. Keith slowly reached for his knife. He inched a few yards closer to the officer. In an instant, he kicked his back.
The officer fell on the floor, moaning in pain. Keith, getting ready to slit his throat, suddenly heard two quiet beeps. The officer smiled faintly and said, “With the press of a button.”
The officer’s smile faded, and his eyes closed. He was dead.
“It came from here!” Keith heard a voice behind him, followed by footsteps. He ran down the vacant hall until he saw a door. The door opened slowly before Keith could touch it.
A man stood in the doorway. “A Rebel,” He spat. “Don’t you know how many of you we’ve killed already?” He asked Keith. Keith sprinted farther down the hall before he could finish.
Keith’s memory appeared in his mind. His wife. His kids. His father. His father had all perished fighting for freedom. Keith loved his father. He did not know if his wife or children were still alive. He set out a week ago, longing to find them.
Keith realized he had run into a dead end. There were no doors to enter. Keith was doomed.
“Over here!” Called a female voice from outside of a window. “Quick, climb out!” She rushed. The window was closed. Keith tried to open it.
“It won’t open,” Keith said calmly, as if he was in no hurry at all. “Break it!” Yelled the woman. “Move back, please,” Keith gestured. The woman moved back a yard, trying her best not to fall off of the seventh floor.
Keith kicked the glass. The glass broke, cutting Keith’s bare foot. He didn’t seem to notice. They crawled across the border, while the Combine failed miserably at shooting them from the inside.
“Oh no!” The woman’s foot slipped off the building. She fell a good 4 feet from her head until Keith grabbed her hand. The woman, still hanging was breathing hard, and said, “Help.”
Keith pulled her up without a struggle. “Thanks,” said the woman. “My name is Alaina, by the way,” She said. “Keith,” Said Keith. He continued on across the building.
“Can you climb?” Asked Keith. “Depends,” said Alaina. Keith stood on two feet, and reached for the window above him. “You can’t reach that,” Questioned Alaina. He ignored the comment. Keith was six feet and three inches tall. He was very athletic from running, and fighting the Combine.
Keith easily lifted himself up onto the ledge. Alaina sat watching in amazement. He held out his hand for Alaina. “Really?” Alaina said, frightened of falling. Keith stretched out his hand more, gesturing for her to hurry.
He lifted her up, and she thanked him. They continued this until they reached the roof of the tall building. Alaina sat down, almost out of breath. Keith stood tall, looking out at the evening sky, and the city within it.
“Now what?” Asked Alaina. Keith reached into his cotton vest pocket. He took out a small device, and pushed a button. “Get down,” said Keith. Alaina lied flat on her chest. The button made the same two beeps that the Combine officer’s made. He must have swiped it on his way.
Before too long, a helicopter arrived at the roof. It hovered next to them. One officer was in the chopper. Keith said, “Thanks, officer!” The officer quickly reached for his gun, but not in time for Keith to stab him in the heart.
Keith threw the officer off of the helicopter. “Come,” he said. Alaina got up and ran to the chopper. They both boarded it, Keith piloting it. “Where are we going?” Asked Alaina. “Home,” said Keith.
The helicopter was flying east in seconds. Alaina noticed a sticky note on the window that read, ‘Note to self: Get fuel soon!!!’

 

[AJ Rimmer]

Okay, this right here? Step in the right direction, no doubt about it. You still need to work a lot on pacing, what not to write out, how to do action scenes and sometimes pure logic. That said, it was at least original (btw- I was very pleasantly surprised when the girl didn't turn out to be Alyx, bravo on that).

There's a lot of clumbsy writing in there though. For example:

“Oh no!” The woman’s foot slipped off the building. She fell a good 4 feet from her head until Keith grabbed her hand.

The "Oh no!" sounded like someone was watching this at the movies and was shouting advice to the characters, and you can't fall four feet from your head. Well you can, but then you've been dead for a while.

A man stood in the doorway. “A Rebel,” He spat. “Don’t you know how many of you we’ve killed already?” He asked Keith. Keith sprinted farther down the hall before he could finish.

This is very very weird. First of all, that's not exactly the kind of thing a guard would say in the middle of an alarm or what have you, it's actually a really weird line in almost any situation. Also, you write out the entire thing despite Keith not hearing the end.

The button made the same two beeps that the Combine officer’s made. He must have swiped it on his way.
Before too long, a helicopter arrived at the roof. It hovered next to them. One officer was in the chopper. Keith said, “Thanks, officer!” The officer quickly reached for his gun, but not in time for Keith to stab him in the heart.
Keith threw the officer off of the helicopter.

Let's start with what I consider the worst offense here: "He must have swiped it on his way." Up until now, this story has been told either from Keith's POV or from an all-knowing narrator. Therefore, there should be nothing like the above sentence. A slight improvement would be "He had swiped it earlier", but then you should still have mentioned it earlier.

Let's move on to the helicopter: So, somehow Keith managed to throw a knife into the pilot's chest from a distance, right? Cause there's no way they could approach the chopper without raising suspicion, since they don't look like combine. And since it didn't land, it hovered, killing the pilot would probably be a bad idea in general. Be more in clear in scenes like this, take your time and explain exactly what's happening, but do it as tightly as possible. I know that sounds contradictory, but it's all about giving your readers only the information they require but nothing less than that. True, you can get descriptive and use colourful language within those descriptions, but for example:

they reached the roof of the tall building

I don't need to know that the building's tall, you've already said it was higher than seven stories.

Keith reached into his cotton vest pocket

I really don't care what his vest is made of.

That's pretty much it. Oh, no wait:

Alaina noticed a sticky note on the window that read, ‘Note to self: Get fuel soon!!!’

Really? Anyway, like I said, this is better than what you posted before. Keep at it.

 

[h31s]

Thanks for the positive feedback! I'll think about that. About the sticky note thing, it was supposed to be sort of humorous.

 

[Colonel Kernel]

Good, better than the last one.
All I have to say is keep it up, AJ said the rest.