Revival of the Short Story thread!

[Jintor]

If you guys don't remember, the point of this thread was just to post little bits and pieces of a story, or short stories, or whatever. Things that weren't full stories in their own right, but that you still wanted to show to the world.



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"Welcome. Welcome to City 17."

The endless blather from the big screen. Some things never changed, in this god-forsaken city - in this godforsaken world. The last city he had been to had Breen's face on every wall, on every screen, talking about how lucky humanity was to have found its opressors, its benefactors, to lead them to the stars and beyond. So had the one before that. And the one before that. The city he had been in before that had no number, no faceless, sterile identification. It had a name. Sydney.

Sydney... well, Sydney? Sydney had suffered some of the wierder side-effects of the 7-hour War. For one thing, it was now 36 kilometres inland. And for another thing, it was totally uninhabitable, even for the Combine. All of Australia was. The unique combination of Australian fauna and Xenian fauna had created some sort of tristed monstrosity of an eco-system that even the Combine avoided.

"You have chosen, or have been chosen, to relocate to one of our finest remaining urban centres."

His wife... Joanne... was gone. She was worse than gone. He had been forced to leave her, someplace in... one of the cities... City 13? City 13. He had struggled, of course, trying to pull her with him, to get on the train and leave, but... electric stun batons, faceless, masked, metro cops. Civil Protection. They had her now. She was probably long dead, another corpse in a pit somewhere. Or worse. He had heard rumours of strange things in the massive Citadels of the cities. Stalkers...

He was alone now. His brother, Alfred, he got headcrabbed someplace in City 21. Poor bastard. His best friend, Jacob. Shot by metro police for failing to put his luggage down in the designated area.

"I thought so much of City 17 I elected to establish my administration here, in the Citadel so thoughfully provided... by our Benefactors."

There wasn't much left. There wasn't anything left. Earth as he knew it, as the human race knew it, was gone. It would never come back. Faceless, masked, supersoldiers - was that their future?

"And so, whether you are here to stay, or passing through on your way to parts unknown..."

It couldn't be their future.

"Welcome, to City 17."

It couldn't.

"It's safer here."

 

[Tollbooth Willie]

That's really good Jintor. You should make a full story out of that.

Here's an entry I was going to use in The Thing: Unfrozen back when I first thought it out, but got scrapped due to the story being rewritten as what it is now.
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Cold. It was so very cold. The Antarctic wastelands were a merciless, unforgiving Hell, never letting up and always trying to force Miekal into giving in. His nerves were shot. He could feel almost nothing. Nothing but fear, paranoia, and the feeling that death was around every corner.

Miekal raised his gun armed with a miniature blowtorch. He crept slowly and nervously through the blood drenched halls of the Norwegian outpost which he had worked in just the night before. He couldn't shake the feeling that something was following him, watching his every step, sensing every breath he took.

"Come on out you son of a bitch.....COME OUT HERE GOD DAMMIT!" He screamed. His words echoed down the halls.

"COME OUT HERE AND TAKE ME! TAKE ME YOU UGLY MOTHER F*CKER!!!!!!!!!!"
Nothing. Then a crash. Further down the dark hallways he could hear something. He could hear it. It was all around him. In the vents. Behind him. Ahead of him. Below him.

There was no escape. He had lost the battle. He had lost it long ago.

"That's it, come and get me, take me! Let's end this NOW!"
It came closer, and closer with every breath. He could feel death drawing so much closer to him. He began to anticipate its arrival.

There was silence, with the exception of the blizzard ravaging the Norwegian base. Miekal lowered his weapon, looking around for any sign of his enemy.

A sudden force knocked him on his back. He drew his gun and began to fire blindly. "That's it, TAKE IT BITCH!" He blasted the abomination with the blowtorch. It let out a loud, inhuman screech.

The stream of scorching fire stopped. It was out of fuel. Miekal continued blindly firing at his target, franticly trying to escape its grasp. Then, a large mass overtook him.

"NOOOO! PLEASE GOD, NO!" He cried out, struggling to break free. Everything went black. His breath grew short. Consciousness began to slip away from him. After several long, horrific hours, the nightmare was over. Death, his last salvation, had freed him from his pain.......

Assimilation complete.

 

[cyk]

TollBooth, that was good, but the dialogue looks ugly. Don't use that many exclamation points, ellipses (...), or use caps lock unless your character is a Counterstrike player

 

[Tollbooth Willie]

Kick ass. Now, MORE DAMMIT!

 

[cyk]

Look, this is something that's really not a problem in very short stories, but in longer stories, word your character introductions.

"Leading the group was the battle hardened Major Eriq Farrugia, with his company advisor Captain Louise Zinner."

See, I don't like that. It shouldn't have the "Major" and "Captain." I don't know. It just seems like an awkward way to start.

And dammit I'll post a story here eventually. I've had no time recently.

A NOTE ON DIALOGUE:
Proper: Bob said to me, "Hello, Joe," and paused before noticing the hole in my gut, saying, "What happened to you?"
Improper: Bob said to me "Hello, Joe" and paused before noticing the hole in my guy, saying "what happened to you?"
English is a b**** [that censor was self-inserted... is that supposed to not be censored or what?], isn't it? Also, EVERY TIME YOU SWITCH CHARACTERS IN DIALOGUE = NEW PARAGRAPH (or, I guess on this forum, linebreak):
Bob said to me, "What happened to you? You look like shit in a sewer!"
Laughter roared from the crowd. "You look like a dog's asshole!"
I snapped. "**** you guys!" I screamed and stormed off. The laughter continued.

 

[cyk]

Now for the second chapter!
Edit: Cyk, in books do writers give each line of speech a line of text?
NO! They don't.

Did you notice how I said each character?

Bob said, "Hi."
Joe responded, "Hi."
Bob said, "Weeee." Then he added, "Worst dialogue ever?" Joe nodded his head in agreement.

 

[the_rebel_medic]

Not even that happens in novels, the text simply continues.

 

[Acepilotf14]

"Come, on, no time to rest."
God, it was freezing out here.. no, worse than freezing, whatever that could be. It would be all toasty here if global warming happened. But, nah, it didn't. Jacen and his partner, Kael, were in russia. With some of the few Tight skin warmers available, almost like a wetsuit, only white and light blue, with goggles. With only 20 minutes before The combine sent off pods this way, They had to get out. Now. Kael hefted his sniper rifle up to his head, scanning ahead, and saw 4 Combine Elite, almsot invisible in the blizzard. He signaled to Jacen. 4. And they approached the elite, Jacen rounded around, as Kael kept cover around 20 meters away. Jacen unsheathed his kombat knife, grabbed an elite from behind and slit his throat, no sound. Wait. The other three were headed this way, he had to get this body out of here. He hefted it up and stuck it in the snow near him, He hid behind a snowdrift, and watched as the three walked past, grabbed one by the arm, pulled him, and killed him. No sound. Kael was ready.. the last maneuver... Kael capped one in the neck, and he chocked to death. Jacen jumped on the last one, knocking him down and stabbing him in the back of the head. Done. Kael caught up to Jacen, and they contunued on..