Shadows of the Combine

[freak_boii]

Chapter 1: Alyx
I awoke from my sleep,dazed. There was a MetroCop busying himself with the controls on the other side of the dingy room just outside City 17. I tried to move but my arms were strapped to the chair. I managed to wriggle my hands free after a few muinites and I snuck over to the Combine, struck him in the shoulder and took hit stun stick.
I burst through the door and ran out the gate, cops on my ass. I turned the corner into an alleyway and climbed the fire escape until i reached the roof. The bridge was there. Two planks of wood steaching between the two buildings. Scanners swarmed around me as I ran across the rooftops of the city. Three Combine soldiers met me. Dressed in their black armour carrying pistols. Everything slowed down as I beat them just like they had beaten me just two day ago.
With the pistol grasped in my sweaty hand I continued my journey along the roofs. As I reached a lambada marking on the 7th roof a part of the floor moved aside and the face of a woman poked out and said;
"You'd better watch it or you'll get yourself shot." Her voice and face were beautiful. She beckoned me down and I walked over and climbed down through the small gap. "My name is Alyx Vance" she said "I've wanted to meet you for a long time. How many Combines have you killed now? 20? 30?
"45." I replied.
"Well, no matter how much it is we'll need a guy like you in the Civil Protection."She said
"Civil Protection?" I said, confused "What is that some kind of club?"
"Sort of. Come and meet the members."

Chapter 2: Unexpected News coming soon!

 

[ríomhaire]

Wow, that's terrible IMO. Sorry.

 

[Dalamari]

You use the same words too much and too close to eachother, you move the story too fast and what you have written is about as interesting as watching a grown man shave his testicles

 

[Sloth]

I agree with points above.
Also, describe the room, i have no idea about anything. It was written in the style when someone is trying to tell something too fast, and misses bits as they go.

The chapter is only about the length of a normal paragraph, but by slowing the writing pace down it could be a bit "larger."

The dialog between the main and Alyx is too... weird. People would only talk like that in a C Grade Movie, try and say it out aloud to yourself, imagine what someone would say if they heard someone tell them:

"You'd better watch it or you'll get yourself shot."

Are they self absorbed?: "I never get shot!"
Scared: Shoots Alyx before she could even start talking.
Etc...

If you want to make this work, go back and have a look at it, try writing about 100 words just describing the room he's in at the start...

 

[xombine]

Wow...its so bad its almost good. Lol, no offense though.

Has he kept track of every enemy killed, landing it at a simple 45?

 

[ríomhaire]

And in a story context it doesn't make sence either. How would he not know what Civil Protection is?

 

[AJ Rimmer]

Also, the metrocop had his back turned to his prisoner for several minutes and didn't even notice when he got his arms free from a chair? That sort of diminishes the awesome ingenuity of his escape.
Also, the part where he beats the cops chasing him was just lame. And also bad spelling. And also too short.

Rating: 3/10

 

[Sui]

Why would Alyx ask you how many combine you've killed?

Also- try using a spellchecker, or alternatively, proofread. At least once. There were quite a few mistakes.

As for the structure- you might want to stretch the events out a bit; you could make that story 1,000 words at the very least.

 

[Sloth]

Suicide is right, we've all been saying this. Expand it and make it 'real' within the enviroment you've (or in this case Valve has) set for yourself.
I've turned a 670 word action scene into a 3,300 word action scene.

Always milk things, it helps.

 

[TwIsTeD]

And Civil Protection refers to the metrocops the group alyx is in is the resistance or the underground not the cps