Slit

[Teh_Poet]

She looks outside the window,
She thinks that she’s alone.
Blind of the ones who love her,
His adulation unknown.

She lies down on her bed,
She thinks it’s all a waste.
Not knowing that she means so much,
Not knowing she can’t be replaced.

But she looks right past his eyes,
And that makes him insane.
She doesn’t know others need her,
She decides to end her pain.

She picks up the blade,
She puts it to her wrist.
She says good-bye to all she knew,
She thinks she won’t be missed.

And now she’s gone forever,
And he’s in a world of pain.
He wants to see her one last time,
She was his blessing and bane.





So, what do you guys think? Please, only contructive criticism...

 

[ne0_shiny]

edit: ohh nvm i get it
sry im not much of a poet
its kinda INTENSE
its too much with the hurting and the ouching and the paining - at the end, not that its bad, it just makes my body go into weird positions...heh
btw suicide is bad for your health.....

 

[bliink]

Pretty good.. that "and that makes him insane" line looks a little out of place though, but the rest seems to fit ok :thumbs:

 

[Teh_Poet]

edit: ohh nvm i get it
sry im not much of a poet
its kinda INTENSE

btw suicide is bad for your health.....

2nd and 4th line rhyme in each stanza. Umm, like

ABCB
DEFE
GHIH
JKLK
MNON

Pretty good.. that "and that makes him insane" line looks a little out of place though, but the rest seems to fit ok

Thanks, I'll try to fix it.

How about

But she looks right past his eyes,
Her secret is arcane.
She doesn’t know others need her,
She decides to end her pain.


I'm not sure, still seems kinda awkward. I'm working on it.

 

[Jackal hit]

it's a good bit of writing, but i keep thinking you could do something with the overall structure. like 4 lines per stanza is expected. maybe putting awkward pauses and stuff. like, reinforce structurally, what the words are saying.

 

[Teh_Poet]

it's a good bit of writing, but i keep thinking you could do something with the overall structure. like 4 lines per stanza is expected. maybe putting awkward pauses and stuff. like, reinforce structurally, what the words are saying.

I'm not sure I understand what you're saying... Make the structure more consistant, or less consistant?

 

[oldagerocker]

I agree with Jackal, to really force the point, to make it shocking, at some point keep away from the convention of the rest of the poem.

but i thought that was very very good

 

[Jackal hit]

I'm not sure I understand what you're saying... Make the structure more consistant, or less consistant?

um not necessarily more or less consistent, but say you're feeling that the reader should be cut off in a thought in some line, then cut them off, and continue the line later, like in the next line or something... or if you think the particular thought should be considered a bit more, make the line longer so it sticks out a bit. those are just a couple of real quick "for instance" ideas. something else that could be done, that i do from time to time .. use word play. subsitute a word in for another word like maybe a homonym or something. get the person thinking about stuff. what will make your poem better than good will be your ability to instead of just telling what is happening, if you can make it personal to the reader as well. make them feel as if they lived it. i think structural additions could help. but eh it's still pretty good as is

 

[jondy]

So, what do you guys think? Please, only contructive criticism...

It's a good poem! but for a subject like suicide the format seems a little mundane, like the above were saying.

Didn't know you were actually a poet, Teh_Poet, that's like some freaky coincidence

 

[15357]

it reminds me of a song.

but the girl in it jumped from a 20story building instead of cutting herself.................

 

[Orcone101]

Find something other than suicide, they're poems about that everywhere.
How about something nice for once? Or isn't happiness hip anymore?

 

[DarkStar]

It's not bad, but at the same time it's kind of cliched.

Maybe it's just my taste but you seem to be using a jack hammer where a toothpick might be more appropriate. Try something less obvious. Approach the material from a more abstract angle and you'll find that it becomes much more interesting.

I wrote one for the hell of it:

An Unexpected Love Affair

At first:
Silly bouts of shock mix with stupid wide-eyed surprise.
Astonishment misplaced leads to direction retraced.

Then:
The realization that inevitability is nothing if not dependable.

After speeding down the road for so long driving blind
Without so much as a gentle jostle or jolt
Something exciting is bound to happen soon.

Indeed, accidents and love affairs can seem overdue.

Life began with firmness, constancy, stability…(Ahhh!)
Suddenly –
CRASH! (Oh no, was I going too fast?)
POW! (What will happen to me now?.)
KABOOM! (A worldview tossed ‘round the room!)
Then back to monotony, tedium, boredom…(Damn it!)
I say “Let’s do it all over again!”

The lay of the road mirrors the way of the globe.

The 80’s showered us with indulgence and greed
Trickling down Cosby’s Contras, and drug called Cocaine
When ME became primary and Reagan destroyed WE.
That’s the decade where I was born.

At first:

I would try to swerve all over the road, but Mother Culture would say
“Dem’s da rules kid, so you’d best shut your mouth.”
I was unwittingly bound to the Selfishness Clause
Driving in a lane I did not choose, I was forced down a tunnel carved by Minute Man II’s.

Then:

One day, I said enough is enough, and I jerked the wheel hard.
CRASH! BANG! KABOOM! (Is this how it feels inside of the womb?)
From the burning wreckage I emerged on the scary side of the moon,
Looking back towards the wreck, I felt no sense of loss.

An unexpected love affair is no different than a car accident.

 

[Teh_Poet]

The reason I'm writing a poem about suicide is in honor of one of my very close friends who tried to suicide. She didn't actually suceed, instead she got placed in a mental hospital. I haven't seen her in quite a while, and I really miss her.

 

[Sieg]

Sorry to hear mate,you could at least send her some flowers and go cheak up on her at the hospital :thumbs:.

 

[Teh_Poet]

Sorry to hear mate,you could at least send her some flowers and go cheak up on her at the hospital :thumbs:.

Actually, she's out of the hospital now...but I haven't been able to get ahold of her.

 

[Orgonomist]

In my mind, poetry is mainly about playing with words (sounds) and imagery. There's no such thing as bad poetry (Yeah, that's right), but as a means of communication there are more and less successful ways of getting your point across.

Imagery is the most powerful tool for writing good poetry; it's what people remember after they put down the book. Metaphor and simile. You'll notice your poem has no strong images or descriptive language. If that's what you want, that's fine, but consider looking at it another way. You could base the entire poem around the razor blade itself and still tell the same story. Find strong images and draw links between them and whatever it is you're trying to say.

You might also want to read a bit about metre and enjambement. Try writing some poetry with absolutely no rhyming scheme, you might find it encourages you to be more creative with your language.

 

[KoreBolteR]

very good .

 

[oldagerocker]

I know how you feel Teh_poet. The same thing happened to me.... its good you can express yourself with words.

 

[Teh_Poet]

In my mind, poetry is mainly about playing with words (sounds) and imagery. There's no such thing as bad poetry (Yeah, that's right), but as a means of communication there are more and less successful ways of getting your point across.

Imagery is the most powerful tool for writing good poetry; it's what people remember after they put down the book. Metaphor and simile. You'll notice your poem has no strong images or descriptive language. If that's what you want, that's fine, but consider looking at it another way. You could base the entire poem around the razor blade itself and still tell the same story. Find strong images and draw links between them and whatever it is you're trying to say.

You might also want to read a bit about metre and enjambement. Try writing some poetry with absolutely no rhyming scheme, you might find it encourages you to be more creative with your language.

Okay, I'll think about adding some similes or metaphors. And alliteration, if I can.

But I'm about to go on vacation, I'll be back on saturday/friday evening.

 

[PvtRyan]

"Roses are gray, violets are gray, I'm dead and colorblind." - The Undead guy

 

[Teh_Poet]

I'm still editing, but how's this for a new third verse?

He’s dying to let her know,
His love for her arcane.
She doesn’t know he needs her,
She decides to end her pain.

 

[Farrowlesparrow]

"Roses are gray, violets are gray, I'm dead and colorblind." - The Undead guy

Roses are Red, Violets are blue...
I hate this rhyme, because violet is purple, foo!

 

[15357]

Roses are Red, Violets are blue...
I hate this rhyme, because violet is purple, foo!

i thought violet was violet -,.- :|

 

[Teh_Poet]

Wow. I just found out today that the girl that this poem is inspired from just got placed back in the mental hospital. This sucks

 

[Teh_Poet]

She looks outside the window,
She thinks that she’s alone.
Blind of the one
Who loves her,
His adulation unknown.

She lies down on her bed,
She thinks that it’s a waste.
Not knowing that
She means so much.
Not knowing she can’t be replaced.

He’s dying to let her know,
His love for her arcane.
She doesn’t know he needs her,
She decides
To end her pain.

She then picks up the blade,
And puts it to her wrist.
And says good-bye to all she knew,
She thinks
She won’t be missed.

But now she’s gone forever,
He’s in a world of pain.
He wants to see her
One last time,
She was his blessing and his bane.​

 

[Tantalus]

She lies down on her bed,
She thinks that it’s a waste.
Not knowing that
She means so much.
Not knowing she can’t be replaced.
​

The last line sticks out a bit. You might want to try and replace it.

 

[Teh_Poet]

The last line sticks out a bit. You might want to try and replace it.

How about


She lies down on her bed,
She thinks that it’s a waste.
Not knowing that
She means so much.
In her lies she’s been encased.

 

[venturon]

I'm glad you fixed the last line, I was about to say that the meter was out.

 

[Teh_Poet]

I'm glad you fixed the last line, I was about to say that the meter was out.

Yeah.

Any other odd points that should be fixed.

 

[CREMATOR666]

Try my first shot at poetry :

I wasted all my days
Playing Half-life two
I wont change my way
No matter what you do
I will not fall astray
For my goal is not you

...WTF did I just wrote? :|

 

[Ennui]

It's excellent poetry, but honestly it's really, really cliche.

I put teh balde 2 my rist
wat if i dye 2nite
wud u even kare
i c a twist
in teh wurld
somtims i flsh teh tolet
flush mye life liek poo
moo

 

[Shamrock]

Hahahaha. That was really funny.

 

[CREMATOR666]

It's excellent poetry, but honestly it's really, really cliche.

I put teh balde 2 my rist
wat if i dye 2nite
wud u even kare
i c a twist
in teh wurld
somtims i flsh teh tolet
flush mye life liek poo
moo

Yes, you are like poo....:|

 

[qckbeam]

I have to agree and say it's cliche. There isn't anything that really grabs me or makes the poem stand out among the many, many poems written on the subject. It's not bad writing, it's just the approach you've taken seems very run-of-the-mill.

 

[CREMATOR666]

That's what people write when...they dont know what to write :|

 

[Danimal]

Try my first shot at poetry :

I wasted all my days
Playing Half-life two
I wont change my way
No matter what you do
I will not fall astray
For my goal is not you

...WTF did I just wrote? :|

You're in love with teh_poet and play HL2.

 

[venturon]

Write a ballad.

 

[Teh_Poet]

I know that it's a cliched topic, I'm writing it in memory of a close friend who attempted suicide. I'm asking about the poetry, not the topic. Thanks!

 

[ríomhaire]

Pretty good.. that "and that makes him insane" line looks a little out of place though, but the rest seems to fit ok :thumbs:

My thoughts exactly, very good :thumbs:

 

[Yuri]

I know that it's a cliched topic, I'm writing it in memory of a close friend who attempted suicide. I'm asking about the poetry, not the topic. Thanks!

What do you mean, you're asking about the poetry, not the topic? Poetry is the topic. You can use big words and make good rhymes, but the main thing that draws in readers is the subject.