So my friend asked me a question that I had no idea how to reply to.

[BabyHeadCrab]

Alright so I was climbing the beach rocks at a nearby park with my friend who I'll call "Earl" - and we stopped to rest for a little bit. He drank from his water bottle and let this out "Dude, am I gay?" In complete seriousness. Now, I'm 24, Earl is 24 as well. He knows we're not an item and that I'm hetero, so there's no tension there.

...but how do I reply to someone asking "am I gay?" All I could say was "I dunno man, are you?" Our climb ended up going pretty well and it didn't really come up again. Please advise.

 

[Stigmata]

Ask him how he feels when he thinks about your dick.

 

[BabyHeadCrab]

Haha, I'll run that by him. no innuendo intended

 

[Krynn72]

Ask him if he is sexually attracted to men. If his answer isn't "yes" then tell him no, he's not.

 

[BabyHeadCrab]

I think he's super conflicted. The thing is, he's super macho and I don't think he would want anything to happen to that image. Dude is like proudly 6'3", I remember him dating several women in High School and he's "ripped" or whatever. I brought it up again much like you said Krynn and was just upfront, but he said he really just doesn't know.

 

[DEATHMASTER]

Tell him to think about doing it with a guy, then a girl. If he has no problems either way, he might just be bi.

Note: I have no idea if this will encourage any outcome.

 

[Krynn72]

I think he's super conflicted. The thing is, he's super macho and I don't think he would want anything to happen to that image. Dude is like proudly 6'3", I remember him dating several women in High School and he's "ripped" or whatever. I brought it up again much like you said Krynn and was just upfront, but he said he really just doesn't know.

It's hardly something you can't know. There's just something blocking him from admitting one way or another (or both as DM said). He's probably just embarrassed, for the reason you mentioned. Just tell him you're friends with him regardless of his answer and that he probably knows the truth and just needs to be okay with it enough to acknowledge it.

You could also print out a large sheet of a naked dude, and just unfold it suddenly in front of him. If you notice his eyes go and stay focused on the dong for more than a cursory glance, then tell him he's totally gay.

EDIT: Or maybe even one sheet with hot examples of both nude genders and see which one he lingers on.

 

[BabyHeadCrab]

Just tell him you're friends with him regardless of his answer

Not sure why I didn't think of this before, good idea. Just figured he knew it.

 

[Krynn72]

A friend of mine in high school came out as gay, and when he told me and realized that it didn't matter to me, he told me how relieved he was because he was so worried he'd lose me as a friend. But he was on the verge of tears when he was telling me (which scared the shit out of me, I thought he was going to tell me he had cancer or something), so that fear was really powerful. You gotta make sure he knows that you're still his friend regardless.

 

[BabyHeadCrab]

my twin brother is gay and i was just like "you're gay, right?" because I was the last person in the family that he came out to... or that I provoked him to come out to. he waited until he was about to depart to college to tell everyone.

I still get a lot of guilt that i used to tease him about being gay with my friends - not that i've ever had issues with homosexuality, but i just got a huge kick out of being politically incorrect.

 

[Eejit]

You could also print out a large sheet of a naked dude, and just unfold it suddenly in front of him. If you notice his eyes go and stay focused on the dong for more than a cursory glance, then tell him he's totally gay.

That's just impractical, it would blow away.

Play some episodes of Spartacus on a 360 with Kinnect attached for him, have it track his eye movements and find out whether he focuses more on the naked oiled men or the naked oiled ladies.

 

[Bad^Hat]

It sounds like he might feel insecure about it, if not just unsure. If he's afraid to come out then it's not necessarily because of outside pressure, at least not overtly. He might just feel like it doesn't match with his identity, like he's built a very strong image of the way he "should" be in his head and being gay doesn't fit with that. Or maybe it's more recent, like he developed feelings for another guy that he'd never felt before, or if he had he'd just written it off as curiosity, so it took him by surprise and now he's not sure what to do with it.

In any case, if he could ask about it freely like that then he probably trusts you with that information to some extent, maybe because he knows your brother is gay? Just let him know in the most reassuring/least awkward terms possible that there's no pressure on him from you either way, but that if he wants to talk about it you'll do your best to be receptive and whatever.

If that doesn't work then maybe offer to felch him? I think I heard they like that.

 

[FoB_Ed]

You should encourage him to embrace his heterosexuality. Gays are twice as likely to be subject to mental health issues and substance abuse. It is possible that if he has had a bad experience with a girl (or lack thereof), that he is questioning his sexual efficacy as a heterosexual male.

 

[BabyHeadCrab]

You should encourage him to embrace his heterosexuality. Gays are twice as likely to be subject to mental health issues and substance abuse. It is possible that if he has had a bad experience with a girl (or lack thereof), that he is questioning his sexual efficacy as a heterosexual male.

Yeah, no. What the hell is wrong with you?

 

[FoB_Ed]

Yeah, no. What the hell is wrong with you?

Probably less than what is wrong with you. Homosexuality is not a healthy nor fulfilling lifestyle. Many studies have found that homosexual people are at substantially higher risk for some forms of emotional problems, including suicidality, major depression, and anxiety disorders. One might think that a cause is persecution or homophobia, however there have been studies done in countries such as the Netherlands, where homosexuality is quite accepted, that have the same findings. Furthermore, the possibility for fidelity in homosexual relationships is all but non-existent. Keep in mind that I am not a homophobe, nor do I think that gay sex is gross. I have been on both sides of the fence and have experienced many things. I have many friends who are gay, and I think of what such experiences did to my psyche and what they are doing to their minds and I consider myself lucky that I escaped.

 

[Stigmata]

Furthermore, the possibility for fidelity in homosexual relationships is all but non-existent.

Feel free to stop posting at any time.

 

[DEATHMASTER]

Homosexuality...lifestyle.

Not necessarily a choice either.

 

[DevonWC]

I consider myself lucky that I escaped.

I see what's going on here...

 

[kineaesth]

Homosexuality is not a healthy nor fulfilling lifestyle. Many studies have found that homosexual people are at substantially higher risk for some forms of emotional problems, including suicidality, major depression, and anxiety disorders. One might think that a cause is persecution or homophobia, however there have been studies done in countries such as the Netherlands, where homosexuality is quite accepted, that have the same findings.

This argument is poor. While a teen may be aware that they live in a society where being a gay man is acceptable, and that there is no persecution, but they will still be keenly aware, possibly for years, that they are different. A 13 year old discovering their same-sex attraction is going to find both straight male identities and adult gay identities equally alienating. Similarly, most people come out in their teens, which is itself a huge indicator of mental health issues, or as you so inelegantly put it 'emotional problems'.

Homosexuality is not a healthy nor fulfilling lifestyle

trash post

Furthermore, the possibility for fidelity in homosexual relationships is all but non-existent.

Do monogamous relationships work for everyone, and are they the 'ideal' relationship? Hell no. Fidelity is as existent as for hetero relationships. Do gay men possibly have an easier time understanding each other's sexual identities and thus have an easier time opening a relationship somewhat? Quite possibly. Might females feel societal pressure to remain in a monogamous hetero relationship despite wanting a degree of flexibility? May be!

I have many friends who are gay

Please christ no

I think of what such experiences did to my psyche and what they are doing to their minds and I consider myself lucky that I escaped.

This is really upsetting, honestly. I know this will sound like sarcasm, but if you want to flick me a PM to talk more about this, feel free. There is no shame in sexual identity, there is no compounding mental damage to be done by accepting yourself. Considering an essential part of yourself to be something to be glad you've escaped is really tough, dude.

 

[BabyHeadCrab]

Ugh, going to have to begrudgingly like a ~kineaesth post.

 

[Bad^Hat]

I have many friends who are gay, and I think of what such experiences did to my psyche and what they are doing to their minds and I consider myself lucky that I escaped.

Sounds like you have some shit you need to work out.

 

[Stigmata]

Yeah now that you mention it, that bit reminds me a little of Rintaro Okabe:

 

[BabyHeadCrab]

cute is justice

 

[Mogi67]

Probably less than what is wrong with you. Homosexuality is not a healthy nor fulfilling lifestyle. Many studies have found that homosexual people are at substantially higher risk for some forms of emotional problems, including suicidality, major depression, and anxiety disorders. One might think that a cause is persecution or homophobia, however there have been studies done in countries such as the Netherlands, where homosexuality is quite accepted, that have the same findings. Furthermore, the possibility for fidelity in homosexual relationships is all but non-existent. Keep in mind that I am not a homophobe, nor do I think that gay sex is gross. I have been on both sides of the fence and have experienced many things. I have many friends who are gay, and I think of what such experiences did to my psyche and what they are doing to their minds and I consider myself lucky that I escaped.

fidelity? rofl get real son i'll suck twenty dicks a day. get on my level ******

 

[DevonWC]

fidelity? rofl get real son i'll suck twenty dicks a day. get on my level ******

Tewnty? are you an amateur or something?
gosh, if you can't do at least double that in a day, you can just leave this thread now.

 

[ktimekiller]

If he is a heavy lifter and simply admires watching other built men, then no he is not gay. I too as an avid exerciser appreciate well shaped bodies, including guys. American culture on the other hand thinks that is gay.

I've been told more than a handful of times that some of the things I do are "gay", but in fact in Korea, closeness between the same sexes are not considered "gay" (in part due to the lack of acknowledgement of gay's existence, but that is a different matter).

While I don't know the specifics of your friend's situation, I for one might be mistaken as "gay" by uncultured Americans that think physical contact = GAY and admiration of well built bodies as GAY.

 

[Eejit]

Many studies have found that homosexual people are at substantially higher risk for some forms of emotional problems, including suicidality, major depression, and anxiety disorders.

How's the mental health of people trying to suppress their own sexuality?

 

[Bad^Hat]

Yeah now that you mention it, that bit reminds me a little of Rintaro Okabe:

rofl

 

[FoB_Ed]

This argument is poor. While a teen may be aware that they live in a society where being a gay man is acceptable, and that there is no persecution, but they will still be keenly aware, possibly for years, that they are different. A 13 year old discovering their same-sex attraction is going to find both straight male identities and adult gay identities equally alienating. Similarly, most people come out in their teens, which is itself a huge indicator of mental health issues, or as you so inelegantly put it 'emotional problems'.

Inelegant? Ha, perhaps. Language games. But the data is there. The whole concept of minority stress is dependent upon discrimination. But a 13 year old discovering sexuality is not going to associate with an adult identity in any case, so that is irrelevant.

trash post

agreed

Do monogamous relationships work for everyone, and are they the 'ideal' relationship? Hell no. Fidelity is as existent as for hetero relationships. Do gay men possibly have an easier time understanding each other's sexual identities and thus have an easier time opening a relationship somewhat? Quite possibly. Might females feel societal pressure to remain in a monogamous hetero relationship despite wanting a degree of flexibility? May be!

Yes, monogamous relationships are the ideal relationship. Long-term homosexual relationships do not have the possibility for fidelity. "The Gay Couples Study has followed 556 male couples for three years — about 50 percent of those surveyed have sex outside their relationships, with the knowledge and approval of their partners. That consent is key. “With straight people, it’s called affairs or cheating,” said Colleen Hoff, the study’s principal investigator, “but with gay people it does not have such negative connotations.”

There was another study done years ago by McWhirter and Mattison, published The Male Couple, undertaken to disprove the reputation that gay male relationships do not last. Of 156 couples, they were unable to find a single male couple that was able to maintain sexual fidelity for more than five years. So it is obvious that homosexuals separate emotional fidelity and sexual exclusivity, and thus what matters is emotional rather than physical faithfulness. But this contradicts the central claim of many gays, that if you love someone then you must be able to be with them sexually. How can a relationship without sexual fidelity remain emotionally faithful? The agreement to have outside affairs precludes any possibility of genuine trust and intimacy.

Sex is thereby valued not as something that is emotionally/personally fulfilling, but merely appeasing a sensual appetite. Not a surprise given that in the gay world the only real criterion for value is sexual attractiveness.

This is really upsetting, honestly. I know this will sound like sarcasm, but if you want to flick me a PM to talk more about this, feel free. There is no shame in sexual identity, there is no compounding mental damage to be done by accepting yourself. Considering an essential part of yourself to be something to be glad you've escaped is really tough, dude.

On the contrary, I do accept it about myself. The same way that I accept that I'm a liar, or an asshole, or a cheat. True mental damage comes when the conscience is ignored. Does accepting an essential part of yourself mean indulging in whatever whim enters the mind? That is absolutely absurd. No, homosexuality is the end result of sensuality unabridged, temptations in the mind that should have been voluntarily declined but were consented to.

There is no shame in sexual identity? What if a person is into beastiality or child porn? Should they accept that about themselves too? What if I enjoyed watching bitches be choked and beaten as they're slammed into the ground from behind? Is that OK because it's what would get me off? Maybe everyone should just "accept themselves" and say it's cool. Then when your eyes are an empty shell and you have a thousand yard stare you can say that you are living the life you always wanted to live.

 

[Bad^Hat]

Yes, monogamous relationships are the ideal relationship.

Not a surprise given that in the gay world the only real criterion for value is sexual attractiveness.

No, homosexuality is the end result of sensuality unabridged, temptations in the mind that should have been voluntarily declined but were consented to.

For a guy who actually cites studies and seems to be making some kind of attempt at intellectual honesty, you sure do make a lot of bullshit assumptions.

There is no shame in sexual identity? What if a person is into beastiality or child porn? Should they accept that about themselves too? What if I enjoyed watching bitches be choked and beaten as they're slammed into the ground from behind? Is that OK because it's what would get me off? Maybe everyone should just "accept themselves" and say it's cool. Then when your eyes are an empty shell and you have a thousand yard stare you can say that you are living the life you always wanted to live.

This assumes that homosexuality has the same psychological/genetic origins as other sexual tendencies, which might be considered fetishes or even mental disorders. But then your entire view of homosexuality seems to hinge on people being able to "give up" their urges for a healthy, monogamous, heterosexual lifestyle, so I guess for that to work homosexuality would have to be equivalent to any other kind of sexual urge, no matter how fringe or absurd, otherwise that expectation would be kind of presumptuous!

On the contrary, I do accept it about myself. The same way that I accept that I'm a liar, or an asshole, or a cheat.

Allow me to refer back to my previous reply.

 

[Krynn72]

FoB_Ed, have you ever read any studies done on people who repress their homosexuality?

 

[Tyguy]

Homosexuality is not a healthy nor fulfilling lifestyle. Many studies have found that homosexual people are at substantially higher risk for some forms of emotional problems, including suicidality, major depression, and anxiety disorders.

Perhaps there may be some inherent connection between being hated by society and feeling sad for long periods of time. I wonder if coming out to a friend and crying while doing so is in any way an indicator of the mental trauma these people go through. Could it be that being gay and having people tell you you're going to suffer for eternity has an affect on a person's mental health?

 

[Wanted Bob]

Yes, monogamous relationships are the ideal relationship. Long-term homosexual relationships do not have the possibility for fidelity. "The Gay Couples Study has followed 556 male couples for three years — about 50 percent of those surveyed have sex outside their relationships, with the knowledge and approval of their partners. That consent is key. “With straight people, it’s called affairs or cheating,” said Colleen Hoff, the study’s principal investigator, “but with gay people it does not have such negative connotations.”

Well, first off I totally disagree that monogamous relationships are the ideal relationship. What is considered "ideal" completely depends on an individual's requirements for a relationship. Even that news article you cited states just as much.

Also, I fail to understand how "Long-term homosexual relationships do not have the possibility for fidelity", given that according to that study about half of the surveyed relationships were monogamous. It may be more common for homosexual relationships to be polyamourous, however that does not discount those that only have two partners.

 

[bobtheskull]

Probably less than what is wrong with you. Homosexuality is not a healthy nor fulfilling lifestyle. Many studies have found that homosexual people are at substantially higher risk for some forms of emotional problems, including suicidality, major depression, and anxiety disorders. One might think that a cause is persecution or homophobia, however there have been studies done in countries such as the Netherlands, where homosexuality is quite accepted, that have the same findings. Furthermore, the possibility for fidelity in homosexual relationships is all but non-existent. Keep in mind that I am not a homophobe, nor do I think that gay sex is gross. I have been on both sides of the fence and have experienced many things. I have many friends who are gay, and I think of what such experiences did to my psyche and what they are doing to their minds and I consider myself lucky that I escaped.

There was a gay couple drank at my local. They were together, faithfully, for 30 years up until the tragic death of one of them 5 years ago.30 friggin years! And he is so messed with losing his 'life partner' he has't had any interest in moving on. How many hetero relationships last that long these days?
My cousin has also been in a same sex relationship for years, and unless Kylie Minogue grows a dick, it'll be pretty safe as far as I can tell....
I just find it strange that someone who is claiming to have experience of being 'that side of the fence' is lambasting it so readily.

 

[Eejit]

Guys let's all hold a service and pray FoB_Ed bent.

 

[CptStern]

Homosexuality is not a healthy nor fulfilling lifestyle.

Gays are twice as likely to be subject to mental health issues and substance abuse. It is possible that if he has had a bad experience with a girl (or lack thereof), that he is questioning his sexual efficacy as a heterosexual male.

Yes, monogamous relationships are the ideal relationship.

Furthermore, the possibility for fidelity in homosexual relationships is all but non-existent.

man STFU. you should be ashamed of yourself for using this thread to jump on your homophobe soapbox. your pov is idiotic and based on misinterpreting data and outright bullshit

 

[BabyHeadCrab]

His POV is based on the fact that he's very, very confused - even moreso than my friend.

 

[FoB_Ed]

As expected, the majority of comments have turned to how much this guy is an asshole rather than addressing his claims.

Well, first off I totally disagree that monogamous relationships are the ideal relationship. What is considered "ideal" completely depends on an individual's requirements for a relationship. Even that news article you cited states just as much.

Also, I fail to understand how "Long-term homosexual relationships do not have the possibility for fidelity", given that according to that study about half of the surveyed relationships were monogamous. It may be more common for homosexual relationships to be polyamourous, however that does not discount those that only have two partners.

Thank you for giving an real response rather than resorting to ad-hominems. That as an interesting point, though. I had not considered that concept in a polyamorous context. Most people have a number of friends that they are close with, and they are able to remain faithful and true to each of them in their respective relationships. Romantic love seems to disrupt such balances, though.

man STFU. you should be ashamed of yourself for using this thread to jump on your homophobe soapbox. your pov is idiotic and based on misinterpreting data and outright bullshit

Shame? Shame has no purpose in postmodern society. You have no ground on which to stand.

FoB_Ed, have you ever read any studies done on people who repress their homosexuality?

Another expected answer. Have you ever heard of a word called repentance? It is the recognition one has violated the objective and transcendent moral order through the spurning of conscience and the misuse of one's will. It recognizes a moral guilt that goes deeper than the discomfort over being exposed. Repentance means turning away from one's wrongdoing, turning toward what is right, embracing goodness, and making right what was wrong - inasmuch as that is in one's power. This is far from repression. I acknowledge my actions and my thoughts, and with an authentic and contrite disposition turn away from them. Call me a homophobe, call me a fagget, it does not matter. If a man does not follow his heart then what does he have?

 

[Krynn72]

Have you ever heard of a word called repentance? It is the recognition one has violated the objective and transcendent moral order through the spurning of conscience and the misuse of one's will. It recognizes a moral guilt that goes deeper than the discomfort over being exposed. Repentance means turning away from one's wrongdoing, turning toward what is right, embracing goodness, and making right what was wrong - inasmuch as that is in one's power. This is far from repression. I acknowledge my actions and my thoughts, and with an authentic and contrite disposition turn away from them. Call me a homophobe, call me a fagget, it does not matter. If a man does not follow his heart then what does he have?

Wow man... just wow. I don't have time to really get into it right now, but like god damn. I'm sure someone else will explain how ****ed up that is. Also, I don't understand how your last sentence makes any sense given the rest of that paragraph. Are you seriously that much of a hypocrite?

 

[Vegeta897]

Shame? Shame has no purpose in postmodern society.

What.

Have you ever heard of a word called repentance? It is the recognition one has violated the objective and transcendent moral order through the spurning of conscience and the misuse of one's will. It recognizes a moral guilt that goes deeper than the discomfort over being exposed. Repentance means turning away from one's wrongdoing, turning toward what is right, embracing goodness, and making right what was wrong - inasmuch as that is in one's power. This is far from repression. I acknowledge my actions and my thoughts, and with an authentic and contrite disposition turn away from them.

Oh gosh, if only all the homos could be as righteous as you, being able to turn away with authentic and contrite disposition. Have you had genuine homosexual thoughts yourself that dominated your romantic life to such a point that you had to hide it from society until you could obtain such repentance? No? Then you should probably shut the hell up with statements like that. Having homosexual friends is not the same thing, and is as stupid of an argument as "I have black friends" when being a racist.

If a man does not follow his heart then what does he have?

You're saying this?