Sylvester the polaroid crab.

[eatbugs]

The Lear, parody, is on the trail of an elusive silver headcrab named Slyvester the....silver headcrab. With Ernie the shotty how can he fail??


Chapter 1 What the hell is this story? :hmph:

I the traveller that had seen so much and done so much more than I had seen had arrived in this place renowned for it’s headcrab troubles. I the Lear, would be as the pied piper and rid this menace from the streets of 17 with my sawn off shotty gun named Ernie. “Come along Ernie, who wants a headcrab, who wants a headcrab, yeah, whose a good boy then”, I said as I tickled Ernie’s chin accidentally firing him and killing an innocent civilian. “Heh ah ha, yeah, about that”, I said running off.

When eventually I did reach my desto at the “combine H.Q” as it’s called in the “new English”. I was greeted with nice men in rubber masks; all they needed was a chainsaw like leatherface, yeah. The nice men started to get concerned about Ernie and tried to take it off me, one thing lead to another and I had to let them go.

Then I was invited into an executive office by one of the combine soldiers who looked like a girl. When I walked in I was greeted by one of the leaders. “Tell me, traveller what is your name”, he said. “Good sir am the walrus”, I said to him in all honesty. “Very well it’s going to be like that”, said the man.

“What is my mission why have you alerted me to the headcrab menace and why is your fly undone”, I said. “Gih, very observant”, said the executive. “Your job, Mr Walrus, is to eliminate the headcrab colony in this area, kill Gordos and find the rare silver headcrab”, said the executive with no name. “Well sir consider it done like a…. glove”, I said. “Tell me though, if I complete this mission what do I get?” I asked picking up some peanuts that were strewn on the floor. “Complete the first two missions, Mr Walrus and you’ll receive full time employment, capture the rare silver headcrab and you’ll receive $$$20,000, and for God’s sake stop eating those peanuts”, said the executive, my new boss.

Walking out of the combine H.Q in my new-stripped pants, black suit (top only) and sunglasses, compliments of the combine for my services, I was feeling good. Ernie had been surprisingly quiet as we walked past new people and took in the new atmosphere. “Ernie, buddy what’s the matter, ah you’re saying you need a friend, a HE grenade, yeah that’s a great idea”, I said to my partner Ernie promising him one if he was good.

“Gahh, look Ernie, look, the rare silver headcrab”, I said as I stared at this ninth wonder of the known world. @ 20,000 dollars this headcrab wasn’t going to get away from, the Lear. “Work with me here Ernie”, I said sliding Ernie out of his backpack. Lining the headcrab up I fired. “Yeah got him”, I said. Putting Ernie down I realised I had blatantly missed him and instead hit an explosives truck which, in turn exploded destroying the bridge and any chance of catching the resistance fighters who had, minutes ago run over the bridge. Turning round I saw that Sylvester the crab had gone. “Yeah”, I said, not a good day.

Stay tuned for the next enthralling episode of Sylvester the headcrab. :dozey: :dozey: great I can't wait.

 

[Gothax?]

Um... Nice, creative story, although it was a tad bit hard to read due to all of the grammatical mistakes. Run it through Microsoft Word?

 

[Kongo]

lol that's so random that it's fun

 

[eatbugs]

Well it looks like I'm gonna have to create a next chapter. Hmmm.

 

[eatbugs]

Chapter 2. A serious story developing here.

The introduction of two more characters.


He, I, we stood staring at the carnage for a while. Yawning I casually strolled the other way “Well, +yawn+ I think I’ve overstayed my welcome” I said gazing at the combine tanks coming my way.

Then as if by some sort of miracle out of the sky a grenade landed, hitting me on the back and knocking me to the ground. Ernie was quite surprised when it didn’t explode but it was probably for the best that it didn’t.

Picking the poor HE grenade up I cradled it to my bosom for a time. “There you go little fella,” I said. “By the looks of things you’re a girl, so welcome to the family Grenadine” I said placing her gently in my backpack next to Ernie.

Getting to my feet I ran my hand through my hair and spat as the first tank drew near then I sat back down. Then got back up again and decided to go. When eventually I had lost the police I came to an old building. Sweating like a pig I ran into an old woman going down the stairs as I went up.

“Excuse Me,” I said politely though to no avail.

“I’d very much like to get past, thankyou” I said again keeping my calm.

Then a third time I asked, “If you could simply shift to the side I could get through, I’m in a hurry” I said trying to pass.

“For the love of God, get the hell out of my way,” I said picking the old lady up and throwing her out the nearest window. “Yehhaaa” she screamed as she fell out of the 100-storey building. “There chesh, some people,” I said looking out the window as the old lady walked off.

So there I was huddled in a corner at the top storey of the edifice. I pulled out Grenadine and Ernie for support.

“You two are all I have left,” I said placing them in front of their father. Then out of nowhere came a cat. Ernie growled at the cat as it approached but the cat was friendly and I put him in my top pocket. “Whose a goo goo, who’s a woozy ga ga boo boo,” I said to the cat trying to make conversation.

The cat hissed at something behind me, turning around I was blinded as the sun glistened off the silver head crabs back and shone into my sunglasses that reflected the light away not blinding me at all. “Good boy, Montgomery” I said to the cat as the silver head crab walked ominously across a power line. “Let’s go Grenadine,” I said as I pulled her out of my backpack.

Hurling Grenadine at Sylvester, Sylvester lunged out of the way and in my direction. Grenadine fell to the ground and…

Find out what happens to Grenadine as she hurtles towards sudden death, and what will become of Lear if Slyvester latches onto his head??

Finally got HL2!!!

 

[eatbugs]

c'mon guys my story's not that bad.....is it??

 

[Elderflower]

it's pretty amusing , keep up the good work man

 

[eatbugs]

Ah yes.. cheers.

 

[eatbugs]

next chapter once i've finished HL2.

 

[Fleabaine]

Original is about all i can say about this story. Keep up the good work.

 

[Addicted]

the name just makes me crack up...good work continue it pls.

 

[Ryjalon5k]

very funny

 

[eatbugs]

Chapter 3. The end of an era..

Like i said I'd post the next chapter once i've finished HL2 and i did! i'd give it a 93% good work valve! anyway here's the next chapter. Don't worry if you don't like this one the next chapter is even better. wait until chapter 4. yeah!

On the last episode of Sylvester the Polaroid crab…. I Hurled Grenadine at Sylvester, Sylvester lunged out of the way of Grenadine and towards my direction. Grenadine fell to the ground and ......took out the old lady walking by. “Yeehheerrrr” she screamed as she flew through the air.

“Grenadine arha God it can’t be!” I yelled. Falling to my knees I momentarily lost concentration and left Ernie sitting alone, scared, cold and lost. There as if out of my nightmare came Sylvester.

“Gah” I exclaimed as Sylvester glanced across at Ernie lying there out of reach. “Ernie” I gasped as Sylvester lifted the holy shotty.

“Ernie, run!” I gasped as Sylvester held him above his head as a trophy of war.

Lunging for Sylvester I bit the dust as he donged me and threw himself off the building with Ernie.

I lay on the floor for hours, as I watched the clouds pass by and the sun come and go.

+++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++

I awoke some hours later from my slumber. There in front of me lay Montgomery curled into a ball as the morning sun shone in through the place where a roof was.

“We-he-el Monto, it’s time for change,” I said as I picked up a reinforced titanium bucket. Placing the bucket on my head I cut out a strip of the bucket to look out and wrapped the off-cut metal around my hand as a knuckle-duster.

“Yeah, Ned armour is what’s needed Monto” I said as I started to walk down the stairs.

“Heh, I can’t really see properly with this helmet” I said as I grasped the wall.

Losing my footing I tripped and began my descent down the flight of stairs.

“Ah, gourd, damn it, doh, gahh” I cried as I hit every step.

“Aha, arr, heh, whew, heh, harr, that could have been worse” I said as I landed on the last stone step.

Walking out of the building I saw the old woman washed up in the gutter. Pushing her onto her side, she took a swing at me with her cane. So, as any good citizen would, I picked her up and carefully placed her onto the train tracks.

“Yeeeehaaa” she screamed as the train sped up toward her.

“Hahar my good deed for the day” I said as I dusted my hands.

Then, he was in front of me. Gordos Freeman, his HEV suit shining like a new penny.

“Hello,

Uh, why don’t we stop by the citadel” I said to him politely. He didn’t answer. Though what he was trying to say was. “Yeah, sure I’ll just grab my coat and…”

When I woke up I was lying face down in a dumpster. “Urrrg, damn Freeman” I cringed.

“Meoww”

“Montgomery, there you are!” I said. “Yeah, it’s time to go back to the citadel and talk things over with the executive, today hasn’t been a good day so far.

On the next Sylvester the polaroid crab.. The lear seeks councilling as the disappearance of Ernie becomes too much. Also, the plot straightens out ...kind of.. :hmph:


Please say whats on your mind. If you have anything you wanna say any...thing! then feel free it's parody!

 

[Fleabaine]

Brilliant, can't wait for next chapter. Keep up the good work.

 

[eatbugs]

We-he-el it's been great guys but next chapter will be the last. Not enough support for this god like story of a man and his shotty. Unless of course that changes....

Just remember...

 

[eatbugs]

Chapter 4. Closing time

This will be the last chapter of this acclaimed series Sylvester the polarois crab and what a last chapter it is!! the story has a plot for a change!! though i have left it open for another story to continue it on.... :hmph:



Walking into the citadel the combine soldiers were quite amused at my helmet. “Hi, how are you, hello” I said as I walked past the crowds. “Nice helmet, mate!” laughed a fat combine soldier. “Nice gut fatness!” I replied. “I’ll get you for that, helmet, I’ll get you!” said the portly combine. “We-he-el catch me if you can!” I smirked as I walked past him. “Grrrrr” he muttered as I passed him.

Entering the executive’s office I spat on the floor and addressed him. “Good sir, it’s, it’s Ernie! He’s gone heh har!” I wailed.

“Well Mr walrus, due to your tendency to screw things up, your disrespect to my officers and your emotional breakdown because of a shotgun I’m going to have to admit you to a psychologist. But for holy god’s sake take that damned bucket off your head!” said the executive, Mr Been or Breen, something.

“I can’t”

“Why not?”

“It’s stuck!”

Gih, idiot, get upstairs now and go to room 1234, do you think you can remember that?” he scowled. “No” I said in all honesty. “GET” he yelled.

“Keep your wig on grandpa” I said as I left.

*************************************************************************************************

When I arrived at room 1234 I was told to sit down next to an old woman and old man who were also waiting for some…. Thing!

“Well, Herman I don’t know how to put this but I’m not happy at the way the door opens,” said the crazy old woman.

“Margaret, what are you talking about cats for? We’ve been over this already” said the crazy old man.

“Yes, but I feel our son isn’t benefiting from this” said the old woman.

“Margaret, you who? We don’t have a son, do we? You there” said the old man turning toward me. “Do we have a son or not? Said the old man as his wife smiled at me.

“Uh, sure I’m just that son!” I said as I contemplated how these new parents could benefit me.

“Yes, you look different somehow, no you are my son!” said the old lady as she swayed from side to side.

“Here, take some money $500,000 should set you right” said the old man as he rearranged his glasses with no lenses.

“You’re the best, father, though $500,000 dollars is a hell of a lot” I said anxiously.

“Nonsense my boy for what we did to you it’s only fair,” said the crazed old man.

“If you say so father you always knew best,” I said. “Hmm he he ha har ah ha har, so long suckers” I called as I ran off.

“I’m not in the fire place,” said the old lady as I left.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

“I’m finished with the combine and Sylvester for good. All I need now is my Ernie back,” I said to Montgomery as I strolled past the combine ranks that were in full alert after a Gordos Freeman.

Strolling the pavement I walked for hours in search of Ernie. Then it hit me! Ernie that is. He simply fell out of the sky followed by Sylvester and the fat combine soldier.

“He har, I’ll bet you didn’t expect this,” laughed the fat combine soldier.

Raising Ernie the combine pointed it straight at me. “We-he-el Monto, this is finally it! It’s been fun” I sighed. “Enough of your jabbering, you Muppet!” curdled the fat combine. Closing my eyes I held Montgomery tight.

There was a flash of bright light and I was knocked to the ground. It, it was Grenadine!!! The half dead Grenadine had sacrificed her life to save mine. At the last second she had dived from my backpack at the combine soldier who was allied with Sylvester. “Gre-grenadine!! We’ll never forget your bravery,” I yelled as I grabbed Ernie from the dead combine.

There we stood in a stalemate Montgomery in my top pocket, my helmet and of course Ernie! Facing off against Sylvester in the ultimate showdown. With my last amount of energy I lifted Ernie for one last stand against pure evil.

Sylvester saw his chance and cunningly flung himself at my face though I was prepared and Sylvester slid off my reinforced titanium helmet harmlessly. “Har, now who rules!” I teased, as Sylvester stood powerless against my onslaught. “It ends here,” I said as I stretched my arm out and held Ernie tightly.

The ground shook and I fired Ernie, missing Sylvester blatantly. “What’s happening?” I said as I turned and saw the mighty citadel fall. “Gah, the executive, he’s gone!” I mourned as resistance fighters streamed past me.

Not wanting to be the odd one out I ran with them shooting combine as they appeared. Then I realised I had let Sylvester escape. “Another day Sylvester, another day!” I yelled.

It was over. The combine’s reign of terror had fallen now came my reign of terror. “Walrus, walrus, walrus” yelled the crowds as I approached the victory podium. “I, the Lear will lead you into this new age with wisdom” I said grinning as I addressed the crowds.

Then as I was being saluted and hailed as a war hero I found myself stuck and the masses of resistance fighters disappeared. “What’s happening was that just a wonderful, wonderful dream?” I asked myself not expecting an answer.

“He he har” came a voice through the darkness. “I do apologise Mr Walrus but this is not your time. You have done so much, though I cannot allow you to become world leader for the good of the universe. I’m sorry Mr walrus don’t think any less of me. Your time will come though,” said the man straightening his tie.




“In the meantime Mr Walrus, this is where I get off”……...........

 

[The_Great_Walter]

Haha! That story is hilarious! Congrats, feather man.

 

[eatbugs]

I'm not dead!