The game that inspires...

[AJ Rimmer]

Now that is a review

Thanks, I'll kind of bring these things up on Thursday when my English teacher reviews it to me. Also, how do you mean 'boring to read', how could I make it less boring?

When it comes to exposition, like re-telling the combine invasion; Don't just say what happened! Tell it from the perspective of someone, and since Barney is already there, why not tell how he experienced it?
The point is; Just reading "Then X happened and then Y happened" is boring. Reading how Barney reacted during it, how he saw it, that could be interesting, but of course you'd have to write it more personal, and add details which is totally what you should do. And I'm sure that's possible to do and still making the story clear and easy to understand for your teachers (stupid as teachers in general are). But I'm now interested in how this would look if you wrote it without guidelines

 

[Omnomnick]

Ah, I get you now...

I might decide to re-write it one day during my Summer. And make these sorts of changes.

Thanks for the help.

 

[Omnomnick]

Ok, here is Part 3. Since I\\\'m inside during Break, I decided to sneak this in...

Enjoy, Btw the story advances slightly faster here than it does previously...




The train derailed...



The combine continued their hideous plan to consume humanity. Implementing a power suppression field, a crushing effect, destroying important proteins required for sexual reproduction, ensuring humanity was never to breed again. Controlled by the newly planted citadels, the powerful, worldwide field destroyed the vital vitamins and proteins required. The combine plan was almost complete, portals were opening in deep ocean trenches, draining the vital water from earth, the human population was now a slowly dieing breed, and the combine were rapidly increasing their ground army. As sea levels became increasingly lower, unable to reproduce, humanity entered a deep depression. Their own kind began contributing to the combine cause, voluntarily becoming police to keep the peace in cities around the globe. Being given a better lifestyle, the contributing humans became more and more appealing to the captive citizens of earth. Traitors to their kind, the human police force dressed in uniforms similar to that of the combine, providing severe beatings and raids on hundreds around the globe who resist their will.

The wreckage smoked and burned, pouring dust and smog into the atmosphere. The upturned train hissed and whined as a slowly deteriorating engine continued its malfunction. The crippled carriage lay destroyed on the ground, the deformed wreck lying in a large heap on the old rail tracks. Now lifeless, the railway grew silent; a pleasant chirping of distant birds filled the fresh graveyard. Far-of sounds of the portal rumbled and shook the area. The sapphire swirling whirl-pool hung high in the sky, partially blocking out the sun, causing the area to appear dark red, almost like a romantic sun set. The blue shine of the portal merged with the suns dark rays, casting a mysterious shade of purple through the merging cloud formation. The fires of the withered city grew thin, allowing a peace for those unfortunate enough to have been caught in the destructive pulse of the citadel core explosion. As the area lay destroyed and quiet, small banging and rumbling vibrations shook the train carriage. A minute vent on the rear of the train swung open, revealing Barney?s filthy and distressed face. Stumbling out of the carriage, his uniform appeared black with dust, coughing and spluttering, he raised his leg and stepped out of the carriage interior. The inside of the train was red with blood, bodies hanging from the suitcase holders with lights flickering and dieing out. Barney stepped back and peered up at the crippled wreck, amazed at the destruction, he spun to witness the ever growing portal. The energy spurring out from the interiors of the core deep within the ground. As he navigated the wreck looking for survivors, a combine signal beamed out from nearby.

\'All autonomous units, accept mandatory sector assimilation. Co-ordinated constriction underway, entering phase nine, enhanced compliance. Deploy Advisory control and oversight. Submit and be subsumed...\'

The loud echoing noise of the dark voiced women engulfed the area, scaring birds from the trees. The evil sounding electronic voice symbolising a female over lord deafened Barney as he grabbed a near by gun and dived for the floor. A large combine transport convoy passed by on the road high above the valley. Armoured vehicles escorting hibernating advisors, resting within large white cases covered with combine signs and propaganda. Striders steadily stepped across the bridge, accompanied by many types of Combine Soldiers. The combine were moving and regrouping.

After moments of observing, Barney decided to follow the slowly advancing convoy. As he climbed the rocky and collapsing wall of the valley, another signal blared out, almost shaking Barney from the cliff face.

\'All autonomous units accept mandatory sector assimilation. Assemble and converge anti-citizen one. Resistance located near white forest. Expunge. Exterminate potential rocket threat. Striders to eliminate base defences.\'

The combine were going to destroy the resistances only chance to stop the combine, a rocket at the near by post-soviet rocket facility, White Forest. Barney hurried, rushing to reach the top of the cliff. He grabbed a large metal beam of the bridge, emitting a large clanging sound as it banged against the small gun in his left hand. Alerted, soldiers ran to the edge, positioning their guns over the edge. As the convoy moved on, yet another siren spoke out.

\'Alert, Strider assault under threat. Swift movement required, anti-citizen one terminating strike team, expunge.\'

The voice rang out, vibrating the weak metal of the bridge, severely cutting into Barney\'s filthy hands. As pain streaked through his body, Barney knew he had to hold on until the combine moved on. Luckily, the convoy journeyed on, the soldiers rapidly leaving across the bridge. Something had shaken the combine?s blank expressions; they were finally under threat. Barney continued to scale the large rusting bridge. As he swung over the weak barrier of the bridge, the far off convoy speedily headed north. Looking down at the ruined train, Barney remembered Lazlo, his companion who had helped him through the turbulent train journey. Blood and organs filled the thin stream below, the bodies of the dead wasting away in the destroyed escape train. Barney turned to his right, noticing a large sign. The sign read, \'White Forest, 2M\'. Immediately, he sprinted to the right side of the road, following the convoy as it headed down the long road.

As he stealthily stalked the advancing army, a large uproar echoed from afar. The entire unit of combine peered into the sky, starring at a large cylinder shaped object. Barney gazed up at the huge mass hurtling across the sky. It appeared to be a rocket, with large thrusters propelling it towards the ruins of the city. As they stared through the foliage towards the portal, the rocket halted, hovering above the urban jungle. A loud shuttering sound screamed out, the enormous blue portal expanding and engulfing itself. As the portal?s tip enlarged, the now gigantic blue tower began stalling, halting its continuous cycle. As it froze in place, the store energy was fired upwards, creating a web of blue electricity at the tip. As the rocket settled above the portal, it shattered open, revealing a large mess of wires and machinery, drawing the energy around the large metal skeleton of the satellite. A massive burst kicked out from the energy store, launching the electrical energy out into the atmosphere. The large cloud formation exploded outwards creating a larger less dense spiral in the sky. The portal had shut down, the energy now flying pointlessly through the atmosphere.

The combine moved swiftly on, Barney hot in pursuit...


Written By Nick Blackburn
Inspired by Hλlf Life 2


End of Part 3, the end

NOTE: I might re-write it during the summer, with a longer storyline and less description.