The official "Post your best jokes" thread.
- Thread starter AntiAnto
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RRunner
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1. How do you break the nose of a blond girl?
<< You pull ur d1ck out benith a glass table >>
2. How do you know when a girl has had sex with a blond guy?
<<She has bruises round her belly button>>
3. How to f uck a duck.
<<1. u tape up the duck real good, so it will hold.
2. u take the head and carefully place it inside a drawer.
3. then u begin humping, and just 2 sec´s before u come,
you pop the drawer shut with your knee, so the little ducky´s feet starts flapping up and down, stimulating ur nuts for a full load.
:bounce:
oh oh oh pirate jokes....
a pirate enters a bar with a stearing wheel down his pants.
pirate >> Whiskey arrrrrrrrrr
bartender >>You know you have a stearing wheel down your pants?
pirate>>arrr aye, its driving me nuts arrrrr
they just keep popping up in my head....
A biker eneters a bar, sits down after ordering a big glass of beer.
Then suddenly, a small gnome comes out of a small hole the wall, runs across the floor, jumps up onto his table, sticks his little head down the bikers beer, and goes brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, then jumps down, and runs back into his little hole.
the biker is choked (begins to wonder what kind of drugs he ACTUALLY did the day before). he looks around, the others in the bar has no reaction, so he picks up the glass and drinks, pretending that it just dint happend.
Then 20 sec´s later he sees the little gnome again, same procedure.... my god he thinks, there is something wrong with me, i´ll try and catch the little bastard next time...
And yes, 20 sec´s later he comes again. The biker grabs the little gnome by the throath before he goes brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Biker>> WTF are u doing.....
Gnome>> (with a very tiny voice)..hihihihihihihi
Biker>>If u pull that shit again, i rip your nuts off...
Gnome (with a very tiny voice)...i dont have any nuts hihihihihi..
Biker>>Then i´ll rip your dick off(thinking hehe that got him)...
Gnome>>(with a very tiny voice)...i dont have a dick hihihihihi..
Biker>>...then how the hell do u take a piss?
Gnome>>(with a very tiny voice)...i go brrrrrrrr hihihihihi..
<< You pull ur d1ck out benith a glass table >>
2. How do you know when a girl has had sex with a blond guy?
<<She has bruises round her belly button>>
3. How to f uck a duck.
<<1. u tape up the duck real good, so it will hold.
2. u take the head and carefully place it inside a drawer.
3. then u begin humping, and just 2 sec´s before u come,
you pop the drawer shut with your knee, so the little ducky´s feet starts flapping up and down, stimulating ur nuts for a full load.
:bounce:
oh oh oh pirate jokes....
a pirate enters a bar with a stearing wheel down his pants.
pirate >> Whiskey arrrrrrrrrr
bartender >>You know you have a stearing wheel down your pants?
pirate>>arrr aye, its driving me nuts arrrrr
they just keep popping up in my head....
A biker eneters a bar, sits down after ordering a big glass of beer.
Then suddenly, a small gnome comes out of a small hole the wall, runs across the floor, jumps up onto his table, sticks his little head down the bikers beer, and goes brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, then jumps down, and runs back into his little hole.
the biker is choked (begins to wonder what kind of drugs he ACTUALLY did the day before). he looks around, the others in the bar has no reaction, so he picks up the glass and drinks, pretending that it just dint happend.
Then 20 sec´s later he sees the little gnome again, same procedure.... my god he thinks, there is something wrong with me, i´ll try and catch the little bastard next time...
And yes, 20 sec´s later he comes again. The biker grabs the little gnome by the throath before he goes brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Biker>> WTF are u doing.....
Gnome>> (with a very tiny voice)..hihihihihihihi
Biker>>If u pull that shit again, i rip your nuts off...
Gnome (with a very tiny voice)...i dont have any nuts hihihihihi..
Biker>>Then i´ll rip your dick off(thinking hehe that got him)...
Gnome>>(with a very tiny voice)...i dont have a dick hihihihihi..
Biker>>...then how the hell do u take a piss?
Gnome>>(with a very tiny voice)...i go brrrrrrrr hihihihihi..
baron insig
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Harsh joke (not v. PC )so if you wanna read it you can but im not responsiuble if you do :stare:
You wanna know?
Have a few others if u wanna hear them
Whats black blue and doesnt like sex very much ?
You wanna know?
Rape victim.
Have a few others if u wanna hear them
Gray Fox
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Osama calls Bush, and he says: I have good news and bad news.
The good news is: I'm turning myself in.
The bad news is: I'm coming with a plane.
Until I read those baby/rape jokes I thought I was a psycho, but now I know I'm one of the sane ones. Damn do you really think those are funny.
The good news is: I'm turning myself in.
The bad news is: I'm coming with a plane.
Until I read those baby/rape jokes I thought I was a psycho, but now I know I'm one of the sane ones. Damn do you really think those are funny.
Farrowlesparrow
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No more dead baby jokes.
Q
qckbeam
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we11er said:
That's just terrible...
KagePrototype
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There once was a guy named Juan. He was a really nice guy....didn't beat his wife, didn't beat his kids, didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. He lived in a small country in South America. Juan lived a simple life, and was simply happy.
One day, he was sitting in a coffeeshop with a few friends, when the topic of the election for mayor came up. One of his friends said 'Hey Juan, why don't you run? You're a really great guy!' Juan smiled and thanked his friends for their kindness, but they were persistant, as they should be...he was a great candidate and a great guy; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Juan reluctantly agreed, and posted a few signs out to announce his candidacy; he thought of it as kinda a joke Well, as it turned out, when word got around that Juan was running, his popularity grew fast. 'Wow, Juan is running?' 'What a great guy!' 'I heard he doesn't beat his wife, or his kids!' 'Yeah, nor the aarvark in the backyard!' Well, to nobodies surprise (except Juan), he won by a landslide (the other candidate was Oliver North), and was sworn into office with a very surprised look on his face. Well, he saw that there was do getting out of it, so he decided to do his best.
And his best was quite good. The town prospered like it never had before. The crime for the year consisted of someone dropping a lollipop stick on the sidewalk. He spent 6% of the budget, and donated the rest to the Dum Fiters Relief Fund. The townspeople were ecstatic, and his performance turned a lot of heads. Everyone in the town was thrilled with Juan as mayor; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Well, at the end of the year, with his term almost up, Juan was pretty pooped. As he sat in the coffeeshop with his friends, reflecting on the year, one suggested that, despite the town's success, the province was in some financial trouble. 'Heck, with Juan's record, he should be governor!' another smiled. Juan wondered why everyone's eyes lit up suddenly. Within hours the campaign was on. All the ads and posters had the same theme: 'Vote for Juan! He doesn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard!' When election day came, there was no doubt about the winner; Juan had been in the lead since the week he had entered. Governer Juan sat back in his padded chair and went to work once again.
His record was brilliant for the two years he spent as governor. The crime rate fell be 2/3, the budget was balanced, education rose sharply, and the provinces Soccer Team sold out every game that Juan attended (he was a big Soccer Buff). The whole country was now buzzing with Juan;s work. Everyone commented how he was such a great guy, how he didn't beat his wife, how he didn't beat his kids, and how he didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. Then the President was shot. This meant that they needed a new president. Normally, they would turn to the vice-president, except for the fact in this case was that the vice-president has the murdered. Hmm. The Governors got together to decide on a new President for the remaining three years of the term. Each one walked into the room with a mailsack full of letters, all of which has similar messages: 'Juan for President!' 'Let Juan preside as President!' 'How can you not select Juan? He doesn't beat his wife, doesn't beat his kids, and doesn't beat the aardavrk in the backyard? What else do you want?' To make a very long story not quite as long, Juan was quickly named president, and the country was glad he did. The country prospered; new trade agreements were made, old disputes were settled, and there was peace throughout the country. Juan was a national hero. One day Juan came home from work exhausted. He put his briefcase down and plopped down in his easy chair. His mind was racing, but he was exhausted. He couldn't concentrate...pressure from everyone...lobbiests want this...governors want that....everyone wants this and that and acccccckkkkk!!!!!! Juan looked out the window into the backyard. As usual, the aardvark was out there slurping up ants. Wander....wander....sluuuurp! Wander.....wander....sluuuurp! The monotonous repetition snapped something in Juan's mind. A sudden rage built up inside of him, something evil and uncontrollable. He stood Unfortunatelty for Juan, his neighbour heard the CRACKs and quickly moved the telescope from Juan's upstairs window, where his daughter was undressing, down to the yard, and witnessed the brutal attack. He immediately phoned the police, and within hours, Juan was behind bars, the aardvark rushed to the hospital, and the telescope back up to the upstairs window. The country was horrified, and the citizens called for nothing less than the usual penalty given out for this type of crime....death by firing squad. It was granted, and the punishment was to be carried out swiftly. Juan stood there, broken and insane.
The firing squad levied their guns at him. 'Ready.......' 'Aim.........' Suddenly, and without warning, the aardvark leapt from the shadows, aimed at Juan and fired a golf gun. The shot boomed throughout the town, and the shot itself went clear through Juan's heart and out his back.
You may be asking yourself in between sobs what a golf gun is? This in itself is the morale of the story....
The answer...well, I don't know. But it sure made a hole-in-Juan.
I r teh evil.
One day, he was sitting in a coffeeshop with a few friends, when the topic of the election for mayor came up. One of his friends said 'Hey Juan, why don't you run? You're a really great guy!' Juan smiled and thanked his friends for their kindness, but they were persistant, as they should be...he was a great candidate and a great guy; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Juan reluctantly agreed, and posted a few signs out to announce his candidacy; he thought of it as kinda a joke Well, as it turned out, when word got around that Juan was running, his popularity grew fast. 'Wow, Juan is running?' 'What a great guy!' 'I heard he doesn't beat his wife, or his kids!' 'Yeah, nor the aarvark in the backyard!' Well, to nobodies surprise (except Juan), he won by a landslide (the other candidate was Oliver North), and was sworn into office with a very surprised look on his face. Well, he saw that there was do getting out of it, so he decided to do his best.
And his best was quite good. The town prospered like it never had before. The crime for the year consisted of someone dropping a lollipop stick on the sidewalk. He spent 6% of the budget, and donated the rest to the Dum Fiters Relief Fund. The townspeople were ecstatic, and his performance turned a lot of heads. Everyone in the town was thrilled with Juan as mayor; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Well, at the end of the year, with his term almost up, Juan was pretty pooped. As he sat in the coffeeshop with his friends, reflecting on the year, one suggested that, despite the town's success, the province was in some financial trouble. 'Heck, with Juan's record, he should be governor!' another smiled. Juan wondered why everyone's eyes lit up suddenly. Within hours the campaign was on. All the ads and posters had the same theme: 'Vote for Juan! He doesn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard!' When election day came, there was no doubt about the winner; Juan had been in the lead since the week he had entered. Governer Juan sat back in his padded chair and went to work once again.
His record was brilliant for the two years he spent as governor. The crime rate fell be 2/3, the budget was balanced, education rose sharply, and the provinces Soccer Team sold out every game that Juan attended (he was a big Soccer Buff). The whole country was now buzzing with Juan;s work. Everyone commented how he was such a great guy, how he didn't beat his wife, how he didn't beat his kids, and how he didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. Then the President was shot. This meant that they needed a new president. Normally, they would turn to the vice-president, except for the fact in this case was that the vice-president has the murdered. Hmm. The Governors got together to decide on a new President for the remaining three years of the term. Each one walked into the room with a mailsack full of letters, all of which has similar messages: 'Juan for President!' 'Let Juan preside as President!' 'How can you not select Juan? He doesn't beat his wife, doesn't beat his kids, and doesn't beat the aardavrk in the backyard? What else do you want?' To make a very long story not quite as long, Juan was quickly named president, and the country was glad he did. The country prospered; new trade agreements were made, old disputes were settled, and there was peace throughout the country. Juan was a national hero. One day Juan came home from work exhausted. He put his briefcase down and plopped down in his easy chair. His mind was racing, but he was exhausted. He couldn't concentrate...pressure from everyone...lobbiests want this...governors want that....everyone wants this and that and acccccckkkkk!!!!!! Juan looked out the window into the backyard. As usual, the aardvark was out there slurping up ants. Wander....wander....sluuuurp! Wander.....wander....sluuuurp! The monotonous repetition snapped something in Juan's mind. A sudden rage built up inside of him, something evil and uncontrollable. He stood Unfortunatelty for Juan, his neighbour heard the CRACKs and quickly moved the telescope from Juan's upstairs window, where his daughter was undressing, down to the yard, and witnessed the brutal attack. He immediately phoned the police, and within hours, Juan was behind bars, the aardvark rushed to the hospital, and the telescope back up to the upstairs window. The country was horrified, and the citizens called for nothing less than the usual penalty given out for this type of crime....death by firing squad. It was granted, and the punishment was to be carried out swiftly. Juan stood there, broken and insane.
The firing squad levied their guns at him. 'Ready.......' 'Aim.........' Suddenly, and without warning, the aardvark leapt from the shadows, aimed at Juan and fired a golf gun. The shot boomed throughout the town, and the shot itself went clear through Juan's heart and out his back.
You may be asking yourself in between sobs what a golf gun is? This in itself is the morale of the story....
The answer...well, I don't know. But it sure made a hole-in-Juan.
I r teh evil.
Steve
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oooh! lawyer jokes! i got a million!
Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
-Professional Courtesy
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
-The prostitute will stop screwin' you after you're dead?
What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
-A good start!
...uh...okay, so i have 3 of them.
Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
-Professional Courtesy
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
-The prostitute will stop screwin' you after you're dead?
What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
-A good start!
...uh...okay, so i have 3 of them.
Jackal hit
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i ahve no idea, nor do i care that muchHe_Who_Is_Steve said:
NOR DID I READ PAST THE FIRST PAGE. btw you guys are soooooooo unfunny ;( i'm gonna go to class now and chill with FUNNY PEOPLE!
Prince of China
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I may have a sick, twisted sense of humor, but I found the gross jokes (like the dead baby ones) to be funny.
TinyKilbasa
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*Warning* horrbile joke below:
What did Deleware?
A New Jersey
What did Deleware?
A New Jersey
Prince of China
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I love that joke.
A
anti_authority
Guest
okokokokokokokokokokokokoko!!!1!111!!!!11!1
why are dead baby jokes so phunny?
-cause its harder to fit a dead guy in my trunk then a dead baby
whats more phun then spinnning a dead baby on the clothes line at 100km/h?
-stoping it with a shovel
whats more fun the a pile of dead badies?
-2. one normal pile to throw, and a flaming pile to throw at people you hate
wuts the diff between a Viper and a pile of dead babies?
-i dont have a Viper in my garage
why did my room mate fall down the stairs and die?
-cause he triped over the dead baby i put there, then i thruw a flaming dead baby at him. har!
what smells worse then a dead baby?
i dont know because im stuck in my house filled with dead babies!
it hurtz :|
why are dead baby jokes so phunny?
-cause its harder to fit a dead guy in my trunk then a dead baby
whats more phun then spinnning a dead baby on the clothes line at 100km/h?
-stoping it with a shovel
whats more fun the a pile of dead badies?
-2. one normal pile to throw, and a flaming pile to throw at people you hate
wuts the diff between a Viper and a pile of dead babies?
-i dont have a Viper in my garage
why did my room mate fall down the stairs and die?
-cause he triped over the dead baby i put there, then i thruw a flaming dead baby at him. har!
what smells worse then a dead baby?
i dont know because im stuck in my house filled with dead babies!
it hurtz :|
A
ATI4EVER!
Guest
Tredoslop said:
OMG THOSE ARE SO SO FU CKING FUNNY!!!!! I post mine later...when i think of some...
Jackal hit
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gah my evil jokes were deleted. okay how about this...
if a crocodile rapes you, you could get gatorades (say it out loud, it'll make more sense if you're having trouble with it).
if a crocodile rapes you, you could get gatorades (say it out loud, it'll make more sense if you're having trouble with it).
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