gh0st
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Before you begin reading this story of sadness, of hope, and inspiration, you must know that I write these stories to release the frustration that this job inflicts upon me. Thanks for listening to me bitch.
His name is unknown. For the sake of this article, he will henceforth be known as the alias he is popularly known as: Humpty Dumpty. The reason? He looks like a colossal, bloated egg-sac. That is beside the point, however. Humpty Dumpty resides in a humble dwelling; a stones throw from the store itself, he chooses the life of an exile: living in a broken down VW van down a dark ally. It is here that he, and his sole possession (or so intelligence reports), a bowl, inhabit. He can be found inside the store, for hours at a time, several times each day. Usually he is meandering about in an electric scooter than the store provides for him. His fat ass can be found hanging over every conceivable nook and cranny of this burdened vessel; the gears can be heard wailing from several meters away as it, bless its heart, tries to lug his enormous girth to, and fro. To add emphasis to his wide load, his fat globules are usually hanging over his grotesque skin-tight pants, and dragging on the floor. If you think I am kidding you, you are wrong. He is literally that fat. Fat such as to actually break 3 of our 9 electric carts. We have 5 left now, we broke the others driving down stairs. The ones he has used simply don’t work anymore. To add insult to injury, as the cart groans by, he has the nerve to complain about how slow it’s going. It seems he has developed a favorite cart as well. An old lady, who actually NEEDS a cart, was surprised as a fat sack of shit yelled at her to stop and give him the cart. “It’s the best one, its mine!” he yelled. She acquiesced, and he got his cart.
Humpty Dumpty is literally so fat, so utterly reviling, that security must follow him into the bathroom (he can often be found here washing his bowl), where, after straining himself for nearly half an hour, he departs, sans his greasy burden, now glistening in the unflushed toilet and around the adjacent area, for the produce aisle. He fails to follow common courtesy and wash his hands.
Produce in public stores is a funny thing. Most people don’t mind picking up fruit that has been touched by other people. Had Humpty Dumpty touched your tomato, you would most certainly not want to touch it. His shit caked hands flying over every conceivable fruit or nut would make even the stoutest cringe in agony. So disgusting is Humpty Dumpty, that every time he touches even one thing in a box of produce, that the store must actually throw away the remainder of the carton The produce guys watch in fury as he ruins their vigilantly culled produce, haughty look on his enormous face and all. Loss Prevention and I simply laugh. Ironically, him stuffing his face is obviously illegal. Loss Prevention isn’t going to do anything about it. Imagine wrestling a slimy turd, the largest you’ve ever encountered in your life, to the ground and apprehending him. Who the **** would want to do that?
You may ask, why is he so corpulent? Well, it seems he has developed a knack for mixing certain things that Fred Meyer has to offer, and ingeniously cooking them to perfection. An example? He takes a pizza box, fills it with brownie batter, and microwaves it in the stores deli. Minutes later – I shit you not – the entire thing is gone. Just ****ing gone. Not just the brownies, he decides to mix it with that can of chili we sold at a discounted price. And he has the nerve to ask why the carts go slow for his fat ass.
His name is unknown. For the sake of this article, he will henceforth be known as the alias he is popularly known as: Humpty Dumpty. The reason? He looks like a colossal, bloated egg-sac. That is beside the point, however. Humpty Dumpty resides in a humble dwelling; a stones throw from the store itself, he chooses the life of an exile: living in a broken down VW van down a dark ally. It is here that he, and his sole possession (or so intelligence reports), a bowl, inhabit. He can be found inside the store, for hours at a time, several times each day. Usually he is meandering about in an electric scooter than the store provides for him. His fat ass can be found hanging over every conceivable nook and cranny of this burdened vessel; the gears can be heard wailing from several meters away as it, bless its heart, tries to lug his enormous girth to, and fro. To add emphasis to his wide load, his fat globules are usually hanging over his grotesque skin-tight pants, and dragging on the floor. If you think I am kidding you, you are wrong. He is literally that fat. Fat such as to actually break 3 of our 9 electric carts. We have 5 left now, we broke the others driving down stairs. The ones he has used simply don’t work anymore. To add insult to injury, as the cart groans by, he has the nerve to complain about how slow it’s going. It seems he has developed a favorite cart as well. An old lady, who actually NEEDS a cart, was surprised as a fat sack of shit yelled at her to stop and give him the cart. “It’s the best one, its mine!” he yelled. She acquiesced, and he got his cart.
Humpty Dumpty is literally so fat, so utterly reviling, that security must follow him into the bathroom (he can often be found here washing his bowl), where, after straining himself for nearly half an hour, he departs, sans his greasy burden, now glistening in the unflushed toilet and around the adjacent area, for the produce aisle. He fails to follow common courtesy and wash his hands.
Produce in public stores is a funny thing. Most people don’t mind picking up fruit that has been touched by other people. Had Humpty Dumpty touched your tomato, you would most certainly not want to touch it. His shit caked hands flying over every conceivable fruit or nut would make even the stoutest cringe in agony. So disgusting is Humpty Dumpty, that every time he touches even one thing in a box of produce, that the store must actually throw away the remainder of the carton The produce guys watch in fury as he ruins their vigilantly culled produce, haughty look on his enormous face and all. Loss Prevention and I simply laugh. Ironically, him stuffing his face is obviously illegal. Loss Prevention isn’t going to do anything about it. Imagine wrestling a slimy turd, the largest you’ve ever encountered in your life, to the ground and apprehending him. Who the **** would want to do that?
You may ask, why is he so corpulent? Well, it seems he has developed a knack for mixing certain things that Fred Meyer has to offer, and ingeniously cooking them to perfection. An example? He takes a pizza box, fills it with brownie batter, and microwaves it in the stores deli. Minutes later – I shit you not – the entire thing is gone. Just ****ing gone. Not just the brownies, he decides to mix it with that can of chili we sold at a discounted price. And he has the nerve to ask why the carts go slow for his fat ass.
