They aren't underaged for me so...
I'm a man, hear me fap.
:O :hmph::sniper::cheers:[/I]
Gentlemen, I have seen it. However I require four people to tell the tale. If you want the film in a nutshell, I will quote my good comrade Rafe, "To describe that movie requires so many swear words..."
If you desire more, well...I have color-coded their responses...
First, Rafe's Tale:In order to admit to the public that I have, in fact, seen Bratz without loosing all of my masculinity I had to equip myself with full Spartan regalia, including, but not limited to, a sword, a helmet, and a shield. This movie, an egregious affront on all senses and mental stability, left one in feeling as if they had just arisen from a permanent vegetative state. The four girls came in a variety of colors (White, Brown, Black, and Asian (because Asian is a color,) but lacking entirely in any semblance of characteristics. Their race, or rather the stereotype of their race, was their character. Luke shall resume, possibly saving me from endangering my affiliation with the male gender.
Secondly, Luke's Tale: Well, the first five minutes were quite possibly the most offensive five minutes ever committed to film... The Hispanic girls family was gigantic, she had a mariachi band hanging out in the kitchen, and she referred to her mother as "bubbi" (???). The Asian girl was really good at math, science, and music. The black girl was an amazing dancer, and used "you go girl", "fly" and other such terribly offensive stereotypical ebonics. Finally, there was the All American white girl who really liked sports, and was the product of a working mom and a dead father... I'm going to turn this over to Jono, my brain is rotting.
Thirdly, Jon's Tale: Luke, Thunderclap and I managed to save some of our masculinity by watching 300 first, almost in vain. Lovecraft may not have written it but I sure as hell lost sanity. The villainess was not only good looking, but wasn't evil, kind of like the Empire from Star Wars. She organized all the new freshmen into cliques, there was even one for the emo kids, but the heroines thought this was evil so decided to rebel. The villainess had a sweet command center in the middle of the school, and it even included a set of katanas! Her pool includes a giant chair that can spin evil like a James Bond movie. There was also some amazing product placement by MTV and Myspace. The vilainess has her birthday party video taped by MTV, and in her final song, makes a reference that she is superior to us all because she has "a million friends on Myspace."
I'm interrupting Jono to say that the movie was also the most aggravating consumerist piece of tripe... ever. The ending moral: Keep your friends close, your credit card closer, and in the end money prevails. Back to Jono, I'm going to go console my penis... it's angry at me.
Also, the goal of the heroines is to tear down the establishment of the school by beating the popular, rich, villainess Meredith in the talent show, thereby winning their clumsy, stupid, fatherless blond girl a scholarship (no the other blonde girl, the heroine). They don't win the talent show, but get the scholarship. Another just plain out their bit was the fact that the Hispanic girl's younger brother (age 14-15, obsessed with his hair) hits on the villainess's 10 year-old sister every scene they share. I must rethink things now.
I have rethunk my original position, and now think that this movie is a cinematic masterpiece drawing on such genius as Orwell (red signs hang about the school commanding "Obey") and the directing style of the Matrix (the superhuman moves of the antagonist during the foodfight.) The summation of this movie is this:
Finally, Thunder's Response: First, I would like to praise the decision not to play Circle of Death, as all of the built up testosterone in my system was necessary to prevent my penis from falling off. Rafe himself barely made it through. He had to excuse himself during the climax dance as he himself just could not withstand it. He returned a few moments later dancing, did a jig in front of the audience, and returned to his seat. I myself was able to tolerate it, although for the first five minutes or so (during the character introduction) I was knocked back in my seat.
Have you seen those videos of the astronauts in the gravity accelerator, and they're pressing back into their seats as if by an invisible hand? Jon said the sight of me during the beginning of the film was akin to that. It was a full sensory assault, like those seizure-inducing sites people here jokingly link to on occasion. As my comrades have explained (as this film turned us all into Communists), the villain Meredith was in fact not particularly evil and personally my favorite character. I have elaborated this on my review of the trailer (which can be found on Page 2).
I just can't hate someone who has a command center in the middle of school with a full rack of katanas. In an otherwise moronic film, she displayed startling leaps of insight and cunning in maintaining her position; this film in fact delivered us a "smart" villain, which is sadly lacking from much of modern cinema. Indeed in the end Meredith wins the talent show, though the scholarship is given to the poor blonde (oxymoronic I know, but what can you expect?). During the food fight, she in fact Matrix dodges one errant burger and catches a second, it was surprisingly badass in an otherwise emasculating film. The villainess also possessed a dog which could be used for various missions and relay information; similar to the city scanners in HL2.
This film deserves to be a cult classic. I must go, I feel phyiscally exhausted from that movie, but in a good way, like after sex.
