Top 100 online fundie quotes..

[Matt]

[Matt]

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http://www.fstdt.com/fundies/top100.aspx

The article includes links to sources... Heres a select few quotes...

"[Should I wear a chastity belt to stop masturbation?]

Maybe not a chastity belt (not very practical/hygienic) but there are other devices you can get. My fiance has one, it goes round the base of his xxxxx and just sits there until he gets aroused, then it has teeth that stick in and hurt him so he turns his mind to something else. Plus, for obvious reasons it can't be removed by a guy who's in that condition.

Personally I think it's terrible that he has to wear that thing, it hurts him a lot at times and he bleeds, but we're sharing a home together now and not married and we've promised each other nothing immoral will happen and he feels it's the only way he can keep on the right path
"
Click to expand...
"COMPUTERS SMARTER THAN ATHEISTS

Even though computers aren't capable of rational thought and know nothing about morals, yet they have more sense than the most learned atheist. Case and point: The other day while working on a PC, I began deleting unwanted files. There was an html file that showed all of the TEN COMMANDMENTS. Since it was a duplicate file, I decided to delete it also. When I clicked "delete", the usual message came on the screen that said, "Are you sure you want to send the 'TEN COMMANDMETS' to the Recycle bin?" The question struck me very deeply because of how it was worded and for a moment I hesitated to delete the file. After clicking "yes", a message box came up on the screen that said an illegal act had been performed by a program. Now what atheist or heathen has sense enough to think as correctly as that unthinking computer. Atheists do not think it's an illegal act to try to destroy the TEN COMMANDMENTS."
Click to expand...
"Me and my husband is thinking about having a baby, but hesitate, because his brother (which we have no contact with whatsoever) is presumably gay. Might this affect the baby? Is there some precautions I can take, or some medicaments I can eat to make sure my child is pure? Thank you for your help, don't know what i'll do without you"
Click to expand...
"Christians are taking back America!

And we are THROUGH kowtowing to witches, satanists, muslims, atheists, homosexuals and socialist liberals!

America is a Christian nation, not a nation of witches. Satan symbols over my dead body.

By the end of President George W Bush's 2nd term:

1) Iraq will be well on the way to being a peaceful Christian country. Once Iraq has gone Christian, the Gospel of Jesus will spread throughout the Middle East. The region will be at peace and millions of Arab souls will be saved through the grace of Jesus Christ.

2) Bush will have appointed at least three or four USSC Justices and the baby slaughterhouses will finally be closed down forever.

3) Gays will be put back in the closet for good. The sodomy and decency laws will be reinstated and their disgusting disease spreading activities will be outlawed again. Maybe we can?t get rid of them, but we can get them out our children?s view.

4) School vouchers will allow parents to send their kids to decent Christian schools instead of the NEA-infested cesspools that exist now.

5) Worthless liberal social welfare programs will be dismantled and replaced by Christian faith-based government funded programs. People will finally get REAL help through Jesus Christ.

6) Filthy shows like Howard Stern, Will & Grace and Desperate Housewives will be off the air and replaced with decent Christian family programming. Families will once again be able to turn on the radio or television and not be embarrassed to listen or watch together.

7) The abominable scourge of Internet pornography will end with the introduction and ENFORCEMENT of the Online Decency Act. Pornographers who expose the public to this sickening material will be behind bars where they belong.

You can be with us or against us, but you had BETTER believe one thing:

Christians are DONE sitting at the back of the bus."
Click to expand...
"The fallacies of gravity

just curious if anyone can explain these errors that many people are aware of when it comes to the theory of gravity

number 1. the way gravity reads, scientists have you think that objects of larger mass would have more of a gravitational pull then objects of smaller mass. so tell me how this makes sense

when we look at the sun we see the earth orbiting the sun, and the moon obriting the earth. if gravity were true, shouldnt our moon be orbiting the sun??? oh better yet, how come a planet way out in the distance such as neptune will orbit the sun, yet its moons will not orbit the sun??? something is wrong here, even at thise immense distances the moons will orbit the planets and not the sun, yet the suns "gravity" is strong enough supposedly to keep the planets in orbit.

number 2. why is it, only planets have orbits?? you could put a space shuttle in outter space and a astronaut will not orbit it. you could put the smallest pebbble into outter space and it will not orbit the space shuttle. why is this???? if gravity were true then surely such small objects would orbit larger ones, especially in space

number 3. on earth we see things that defy "gravity" on a daily basis. birds and airplanes for example. are you going to tell me that the gravity of the sun is strong enough to keep PLUTo in orbit but not an airplane or a little bird??????

number 4. scientists dont know how gravity works. or what it really is, and even then we see anaomolies in space that defy gravity

so my point is that gravity(like other scientifist "tHeories" is very on shaky grounds. it doesnt have the evidnece to back it up, and when examined critically it falls under the pressure(no pun intended )

show me a pebble that orbits a mountain or a bird that orbits the earth and then gravity will make sense. or better yet just show me how gravity works(if it works at all) and then maybe it will be more than just a theory

how do you evolutionsts explain gravity???"
Click to expand...
"Men should stick to blue and women should stick to pink. We dress babies in the right colors so why can't we do the same as adults? It is a sin to wear clothes that belongs to the opposite sex and women are particularly bad at violating this rule. Men don't wear dresses (apart from a few sickos) so why should females wear pants? It's a sin! Most women today are transvestites and abominations. [...]

So please dress like a man if you are a man and dress like a woman if you are woman and stop flaunting your satanic lifestyle and defiance of God. Thanks."
Click to expand...

The best sort of comedy is comedy that writes itself :E

p.s. don't turn this thread into a religious debate thread :p
 
"Men should stick to blue and women should stick to pink. We dress babies in the right colors so why can't we do the same as adults? It is a sin to wear clothes that belongs to the opposite sex and women are particularly bad at violating this rule. Men don't wear dresses (apart from a few sickos) so why should females wear pants? It's a sin! Most women today are transvestites and abominations. [...]
Click to expand...

I recently bought a red shirt, I guess that makes me an abomination in the eyes of God...

Wooooo! Go me!:D
 
I am pretty sure some of those are satirical, written by internet posters posing as Chrstian fundamentalists.
 
I'm pretty sure the vast majority are genuine. Both funny and scary, but more funny :LOL:
 
"Me and my husband is thinking about having a baby, but hesitate, because his brother (which we have no contact with whatsoever) is presumably gay. Might this affect the baby?
Click to expand...

:LOL:
 
There's no way the gravity one is real. I know there are some stupid Christians out there but I'm 99.99% sure that one is not real.
 
The thing that saddens me the most is that some of these people actually believe that witches are real. This is so depressing.
 
No, no, I'm pretty sure that most of them are real. Maybe the more far out ones are fake... but I can believe a lot of stupidity, when it comes to humans.
 
Old, but still hilarious.

Also, most of the quotes come from fundamentalist forums (they learned how to use the internet it seems).
 
Faith in humanity dropped a bit from those that I hadn't seen elsewhere already. I say a bit, because if it went any further it'd be negative.

A few are probably fake - however I imagine when they were posted there were many 'real' fundies agreeing with the posts.
 
Theres stupid people everywhere... Im sure you've read those tech support funnies before?
 
My favourite so far!

"I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don't think he's ready to date yet. What's worse is that he's sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!"
Click to expand...
:E
 
I wear a pink shirt to work sometimes.

But then again, I'm a god awful sinner. The majority of those quotes weren't even funny for me though. I had my head in my hands most of the time genuinely worried that people perceive the world in this light.
 
http://www.kent-hovind.com/quotes/scienceii.htm

The god father of all fundie quoters...

There is zero proof of black holes. Now, if someone wants to believe in them that's fine. There is some evidence that can be interpreted that way, and maybe they do exist, I'm not saying they don't. I'm just saying there is no proof of them. So if somebody says there are black holes, the reason they are saying that, and they probably don't even know it, they are trying to rescue the Big Bang Theory because the Big Bang Theory would say if the matter expanded or blew out from the Big Bang it should be evenly distributed. There are billions of miles of nothing, then clumps of matter called galaxies. The real purpose behind the black hole idea is to rescue the Big Bang - to explain why there is the nothings between the somethings.
Truth Radio 16 May 2006 @ 6:00
Click to expand...
 
CALLER: Any scientist would completely disagree with being able to sum up what science is in one sentence.

HOVIND: Three dictionaries I have in front of my sum it up in one sentence.

CALLER: A dictionary has to define something in one sentence that doesn't mean it is the complete definition of the word.

HOVIND: You know how lawyers will say things in ten thousand words just to make it confusing? I think you're wanting to define science in ten thousand words just so you can somehow make evolution part of it. [...] Explain to me how an amoeba turned to a blue whale over three billion years. [...]

CALLER: Wow. That would take the next three or four months of your entire radio program.

HOVIND: My point exactly. You would have to have months and months, many semesters of college in order for a person to be brainwashed enough to believe such a dumb idea. You have to go to school for years to be that dumb.
Truth Radio 31 August 2006 @ 55:00 (Tape 2)
Click to expand...

ignorance is bliss?
 
Just about a month ago, I met a vampire. She made me realize that the powers that I had once had were still there. I talked a lot with her and began to think that I too was a vampire. But some things did not seem fitting. I didn't know what, but something was missing. I had some of the characteristics of a vampire, but some things were still unexplained.

Then, i began to talk with a person of the otherkin. I told him what I believed, that i was not vampiric at all, but perhaps wiccan, or otherkin. He confirmed this and for the first time, after he began explaining things to me, i felt like i belonged. For the first time in my life, i felt whole, and as if i at last knew what my destiny was.

But as it is with all things, realizing this blessing that I have, it comes with a burden i know. And it is much like being an infant again in a world of unknown shadows and strange surroundings.

But i am willing to take the risks and pain that I will no doubt encounter.
Click to expand...

Le sigh.
 
"[Teens-4-Christ official rules]

NO DEBATING. Teens-4-Christ is not a 'debate' site. You will not change our minds, do not try. A quick read of Romans 1 will show that those who debate are in the company of adulterers, sodomites and murderers. Therefore, debating will not be allowed.

All posts contrary to the doctrinal beliefs this site was founded on are subject to being deleted at the discretion of management. Any posts supporting beliefs contrary to "What we believe" will be deleted...may result in banning of the poster.

God's Word is the final authority on all matters."
Click to expand...

:LOL:

I have a hard time buying some of these - they seem just TOO crazy to be true.
 
"[on the sunject of a Bible printing company]

Yes, that is a great company. I bought one of their large print version (old eyes... what can I say?).

The only thing I don't like about them is they sell foreign language versions of the KJB. I don't think that's right. We know the only true translation is the 1600's version in English.

It's too risky for anybody to translate that into other languages. Mistakes can creep in... and that can lead to heresy. True Christians should only read English."
Click to expand...

Yes cause the original bible was english :LOL:

"You got it backwards.

Creationism is based upon science, reason and tons of evidence.

Evolution is based on the blind acceptance of superstitions and fairy tales."
Click to expand...

:O

"If u have sex before marriage then in Gods eyes u are married to that person if a man rapes a woman in Gods eyes they are married it sucks for the girl but what can we do lol"
Click to expand...

:O

"There are a lot of things I have concluded to be wrong, without studying them in-depth. Evolution is one of them. The fact that I don't know that much about it does not bother me in the least."
Click to expand...

The best imo.

Also, that one where that kid took his life cause he was gay and his mum was too inbred to understand was sad. :(
 
They've... they've got to be fake. They can't... possibly... be that... stupid... can they?
 
"COMFORTER,
TODAY, AFTER READING A BOOK CALLED "PORTALS TO CLEANSING" BY DR. HENRY MALONE, I DECIDED I NEEDED TO HAVE MY ANIMALS DELIVERED AS WELL. I STARTED WITH MY CAT. I HAVE ALREADY ANOINTED THEM AND PLED THE BLOOD OVER THEM, BUT I DECIDED THEY NEEDED A DELIVERANCE AS WELL.
I ANOINTED HER WITH OIL IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, THE SON, AND THE HOLY SPIRIT. THEN I DEDICATED HER TO THE LORD. THEN I BEGAN THE DELIVERANCE. AS SOON AS I TOLD THE EVIL FORCES TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY, THE CAT DID TOO ! SHE RAN FROM ME AND HID. THEN, SHE RAN TO THE DOOR. SHE LOOKED FRIGHTENED. SO, LOOKING HER IN THE EYE, AND BEING ABLE TO TELL THERE WAS SOMETHING THERE BESIDES HER, I COMMANDED THEM TO LEAVE HER BODY IMMEDIATELY AS SHE IS DEDICATED TO JESUS CHRIST AND HIS PROPERTY. I LET HER OUTSIDE AND SHE YAWNED...WHICH IS AN INDICATION THEY ARE LEAVING. SHE STAYED OUTSIDE, DESPITE THE WIND BLOWING HARD. THEN, AFTER ABOUT 10-15 MINUTES SHE CAME BACK IN. SHE SEEMS DIFFERENT. IN A GOOD WAY. I GUESS THE DOG IS NEXT.
COMFORTER, ANY THOUGHTS OR ADVICE?"
Click to expand...

I laughed so hard my eyes almost fell out.
 
we should invade those forums and fill it whit "impure" content
 
"The fallacies of gravity

just curious if anyone can explain these errors that many people are aware of when it comes to the theory of gravity

number 1. the way gravity reads, scientists have you think that objects of larger mass would have more of a gravitational pull then objects of smaller mass. so tell me how this makes sense

when we look at the sun we see the earth orbiting the sun, and the moon obriting the earth. if gravity were true, shouldnt our moon be orbiting the sun??? oh better yet, how come a planet way out in the distance such as neptune will orbit the sun, yet its moons will not orbit the sun??? something is wrong here, even at thise immense distances the moons will orbit the planets and not the sun, yet the suns "gravity" is strong enough supposedly to keep the planets in orbit.

number 2. why is it, only planets have orbits?? you could put a space shuttle in outter space and a astronaut will not orbit it. you could put the smallest pebbble into outter space and it will not orbit the space shuttle. why is this???? if gravity were true then surely such small objects would orbit larger ones, especially in space

number 3. on earth we see things that defy "gravity" on a daily basis. birds and airplanes for example. are you going to tell me that the gravity of the sun is strong enough to keep PLUTo in orbit but not an airplane or a little bird??????

number 4. scientists dont know how gravity works. or what it really is, and even then we see anaomolies in space that defy gravity

so my point is that gravity(like other scientifist "tHeories" is very on shaky grounds. it doesnt have the evidnece to back it up, and when examined critically it falls under the pressure(no pun intended )

show me a pebble that orbits a mountain or a bird that orbits the earth and then gravity will make sense. or better yet just show me how gravity works(if it works at all) and then maybe it will be more than just a theory

how do you evolutionsts explain gravity???"
Click to expand...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! AAAAAAHAHAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA OOOOOOOOO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!!!!!!

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL LAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWL RFLMAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOO............



Hehe...hmhmhmhmhmhm!.....heh.

Seriously though, the only way that could be better is if the person who wrote that stood up at a physicists convention in a big lecture hall, and he reads that out. I would LOVE to just see every single physicists face as they listen to that.

Oh, and buddy, birds?, planes?....yah...its called lift.

Comedy gold...

In fact I laughed at quite a few of these quotes. As in the type of laughing you usually reserve for Live At The Apollo or Have I Got News For You.
 
I am totally up for it, as long as I don't end up being the only one
 
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