"Urban Resistance"

[Max35]

Chapter 1: The Sighting

The resistance fighter moved quickly through the smoke and fog, his pounding feet splashing the large puddles of oil lining the ruined streets of City 17. He turned and motioned through the thick haze for his comrades to follow him, only to be answered by muffled screams. He bent down and reached into his tattered backpack, and sighed in relief as he realized there was one grenade left. Pulling the pin, the resistance fighter tossed the grenade at the tall, looming shadow towering over him. The creature’s long legs bent in agony, and a soft alien groan escaped from somewhere above him. The Strider was obviously wounded.

Brad Torret had never experienced so much terror in his life, so he just stood irresolute for a few moments before turning and running for the shelter of the dilapidated oil refinery behind him. He hid behind one of the half-mutilated brick walls, crouching down near a tall pile of debris. He could hear the Strider’s claws scraping against the rough pavement, moving rapidly towards him, and then suddenly halt in its tracks. A resonating, hollow sound followed. Brad gripped his machine gun tighter. Finally, he could hear the scuttling of what seemed to be dozens of alien creatures. He cautiously peered through the hole in the brick wall, amazed at what he saw. Several alien slaves had gathered in the wide street, their hunched green forms and unblinking red eyes staring back at him.

But they weren’t coming towards him, instead they turned to face the menacing Strider, bolts of bright green lightning leaping from their extended claws and smashing into the half-mechanical, half-alien beast with exploding force. Its massive three legs began to slump, then a moment later it crashed to the ground, laying eerily still.

A lone figure moved among them, clothed in a tattered military uniform. Brad slowly inched out from his hiding place, trying to get a better look. One of the creatures turned and articulated a series of grunts. Brad was sure he was moments away from dieing, but the lone figure that had begun to pace the ranks of the alien creatures rounded on him, and a pure look of astonishment broke over Brad’s face. The figure was human, albeit with many scars on his face, pale skin, and gaunt features gave him a beastly appearance, it--he--was definitely human. Brad raised his gun shakily, but couldn’t bring himself to fire.

The man merely stepped up to him, and took the weapon from him. “Don’t fear them”, he spoke in a low, guttural voice. “They are here to help us”. A green sphere of energy materialized in the center of the wide avenue, and another human stepped from the abyss. Clothed in a business suit, with short hair and light green eyes, he was obviously more civilized than the man standing next to him. The g-man strode forth with confidence, pausing briefly in the center of the mass of alien creatures. “This is Corporal Shepherd, my....protege.”

“We deemed it appropriate to assist you in your confrontation with the alien infestation”. Here the g-man hesitated before continuing. “Excuse my manners, I myself am the arbitrator for this man”, then he gave a mere flick of the hand towards the creatures behind him “and these creatures he commands”. “I am sorry, but you must come with us for you have witnessed to much. Don’t worry, it is a much more amiable fate than remaining here”, his emotionless tone singed him to the core.

A sudden groan several yards behind them, made the group of men turn in surprise. A vague, grey, metallic shape was raising above the faint haze that had settled in the city. The groan became louder, then so deafening that the group of men were forced to cover their ears. There was a loud crash, as the metallic wall fell to the ground a mere few feet ahead of them. The Combine infrastructure had just gotten larger. “Come”, the g-man commanded tonelessly. With that, the man in the tattered military uniform grabbed Brad's arm and yanked him towards the portal of pulsating green light.

 

[Max35]

Anyone have comments?.

 

[Max35]

I really wish someone would reply to this, whether to say it needs work, or whether its good, etc.

 

[Brian Damage]

Interesting... the first one to feature Shepherd...

Keep at it...

 

[dæmon]

So far I it is good, especially the lack of emotion from the G-Man. The descriptions give a good atmosphere, and I got the impression that it was raining lightly as well.

As for what needs work, the spoken sentences should have their own line, although this might just have happened in the forum post. You could increase the sense of urgency around the Strider, like giving it a flashlight which it uses to try and find him, or it shoots at piles of barrels etc.

Other than that there don't seem to be that many problems. I'm afraid you might not get many comments though, it doesn't seem like many visit this forum.

 

[-JeZ-]

Good Max, very descriptive and easily readable. Keep at it!

 

[Max35]

Aight, here is my second piece:

Chapter 2: Disingenuous Apprehension


“There is a simple reason as to why I have brought you here”, the g-man’s bland tone echoed lightly in Brad’s ears. But Brad wasn’t paying attention, he continued to stare at the cavernous chamber that was bathed in a pool of pale green light. Brown, vine-like spores ran up and down the slimy walls, while tunnels high up in the chamber’s ramparts ran away in every direction imaginable. Rivulets of water streamed down the rocky stalagmites and gathered into a central pool at the cavern‘s sloping floor, which around it lay many piles of lightly humming and beeping machinery. The man in the tattered military uniform continued to stare at him impassively . The g-man put a hand on Brad’s shoulder.

“Please, allow me to show you around”, here he gave a mocking smirk, which only seemed to convey a studied social behavior, not any true emotion. “This is our main control center that defends against the creatures from the border-world Xen, and our pseudo-human enemies the Combine. Even though they continually fight the foreigners of this world, they are trying to eliminate humanity in the process by an evolutionary method of melding machinery with man in order to battle these alien creatures effectively. They are our enemies also ”.

Brad was surprised at all that this sleek business man cared anything about humanity or anything else for that matter. “We have employed another device that aims to defeat the aliens, by turning their own against them, while using those that have shown an exemplary talent for dealing with any threat in...an efficient and timely manner.”

“But....what do I have to do with this?”, Brad asked astonishingly. “Ah, that is the question, isn’t it?”, the g-man allowed himself another slight smirk. “You see, although we have recruited those that have dealt with these threats effectively, there are those that repeatedly go beyond our grasp. “A man named Barney Calhoun is one such example. Good, it appears you already know him”, the g-man said, looking at the reaction Brad’s face.

“We do not know where he resides at present, he has taken it upon himself to be most surreptitious. However, we have managed to gain a generalized intelligence as to his whereabouts. That is where you are headed. I regret to inform you that you must eliminate him, do not let your...”

All at once, a major earthquake shook the colossal cavern, raining down many stalagmites from the grotto’s ceiling, creating gigantic splashes in the enormous pool at the cavern’s epicenter. Then the deafening, hollow sound returned, followed by a multitude of green-tinted rifts appearing. Figures in black uniforms and bulking gas-masks that covered their entire faces, emerged from the portals. Machine gun-fire ensued as the green beasts he had encountered in City 17 crawled down the slimy walls of the chamber, their myriad of red eyes glowing softly red in that green-singed abyss. One of the dark figures stepped closer and knocked him out with the bunt of his gun before he could react.

Brad heard several voices speaking at once, a jumbled confusion of sounds he could barely make out. “I told you to await my signal before apprehending this man. We must appear as though everything is playing out according to plan”. The voice, so low and emotionless, was clearly the g-man’s. He heard a series of assenting grunts before passing out completely. Brad awoke to the sound of his body being dragged across a cold, tiled floor. Many screams and groans of torment pierced his unconsciousness, only to cause further delirium in that menacing land of Nod.

 

[dæmon]

Very easy to read; I know I said it before, but you've written the G-Man perfectly. Keep it up.

 

[Brian Damage]

Interesting story, and there's definitely potential there... but, and this is just a tip, you might want to look up a few websites on writing techinque.

A few pointers, if you want them:

1. Generally different peoples' speech begins on different lines.
2. You might want to explain your science a little more clearly, or perhaps gloss over it entirely...
3. Avoid redundancies like "red eyes glowing softly red", and grammatical oddities such as "which around it lay"...

I do agree though, you seem to have captured the G-Man's personality very nicely... I'd like to see how your rendition of Shepherd turns out, too..

 

[Max35]

Thanks you both for your comments. Yeah I worked hard on capturing the g-man personality. BD, yeah I kinda rushed it, so there are alot of errors to clear up, such as the redundancy you mentioned. However, what did you mean by making my science a little more clear?.

 

[Brian Damage]

"...trying to eliminate humanity in the process by an evolutionary method of melding machinery with man in order to battle these alien creatures effectively..."

Just sounds a little murky, that's all... maybe just reword it a little. I dunno.

 

[-JeZ-]

Again, good stuff Max! You're creativity outshines the formatting and grammar issues that BD pointed out.

 

[Brian Damage]

True, it does.

 

[Max35]

Hmm...is anyone really interested in me continuing this?. Its been awhile and I've been working on alot of other projects. But, re-reading it, this seems to be one of my better attempts at writing a story within the hl2 universe.

 

[DeusExMachina]

Very interesting work. lol but I've already beaten you with using Shephard. its good to see another author using him. I wonder who's will be better when the end comes? haha, it won't even matter. I like your story.

 

[bboymatty]

I like the stories using shepard, hes a character who is less known than freeman and thus more possiblities are open to consideration, as they can have possibly happened within the universe bringing a sense of realism to the text.

Its a nice format and the use of lesser known english adjectives is excellent in description of the surroundings. Keep it up i like this.

 

[lasagne]

ok....