What do you do when a loved one asks you to pray that they die in their sleep?

[Raziaar]

That's what my mom asked me to do on the phone tonight. She lamented to me again how much she hates life and how she just wants to be in heaven and she requested that I pray that she dies in her sleep.

This was preceded by begging me yet again to come and get her. To take her away from the "hellhole". A place that is so horrid to her now apparently, but not so much that during all of these years she has made no effort to capture the life that she always says she wanted, instead relying on caretakers to make sure that she eats and gets her medicine.

She's been steadily going downhill. At one point, for a period of about six months she had stopped calling me and my brother. I feared that she was dead. It was easier for me to not try harder to find the phone number for her that I misplaced, and instead just not call...fearing for the worst, and too afraid to actually get that factual revelation. She wasn't dead though, and she's still been there, miserable, and she's starting to call again more frequently, like she has in the past. Before it was asking for photos and letters. Then it was asking for money. And now it's asking that I pray for her to die in her sleep.

I only really think about the one option that she always gives me. To come and get her. To bring her home to be near me and my brother. That's her request, it has been for as long as I can remember. That's her sole requirement for happiness, as if doing so will suddenly make her happy and erasing over a decade of loneliness. I suppose it could make her happy, since that's all she's wanted for so long, at least as a major goal. But what about me and my happiness? My relationship with my mom has been an incredibly destructive force on my life. A great deal of my depression stems from her. Genetically and emotionally. Her perpetual spin into depression and staying in caretaking homes ever since she tried to smother me and my brother with a pillow when I was a baby and he was an infant. Her infatuation with religion is what instilled the fear of religion in me and it stayed with me for a large portion of my life, always afraid that if I wasn't believing in Jesus that I would burn in hell for all eternity. Her eating habits sort of passed on to me from the times that we were able to visit her for one summer here, or a summer there. An infatuation with food as a means of filling the voids she had in her life, usually me and my brother. I think it's so bad to the point now that she can't even walk without assistance of a walker. A point I've never attained and hope never to.

I live day by day after each phone call I receive from her, riddled with guilt... knowing that I don't have the finances to do what she requests, but that if I pool together all the money I have and save it I can do just that. But if I do that, where do I go from there? I have an incredibly unhealthy mother figure who I have no place to put, whose nearby presence would spike her manic periods and my depressive ones. It's something I tell myself with the deepest regret that I don't want to do. I am better off with my mother there, than I am with her here. And that kills me. It really does kill me. I don't want it to be that way. I wish she could find some way to get herself moved out to Oklahoma to be closer to her mom and sister as well as to me and my brother, but far enough away that she wouldn't sink us all into the horrific pit of depression that she has waded in for nearly all of my life.

I cannot think of any way to accomplish that healthier middle ground however. A way to visit her far more regularly than I ever have, without her being able to inject herself into my life that she's never been a part beyond a sad and depressive level. A relationship that has completely deteriorated itself such that she can only generate guilt from her despair and that I can only generate disappointment and sorrow from my fear and on some level unwillingness to do as she requests. I cannot even carry on conversation with her anymore. She never seems to solidly understand what I say, either because noise in the background is too loud or she's simply not in the best state of mind. Even if I worked up some genius plan I would need her cooperation in executing it and getting her moved, and I know that would be impossible because there is no communication between us that extends beyond anything trivial.

I know my relationship with my mother will be the sort of thing that will haunt me for all of my life. And now it's going to haunt me even more now that she asks me to pray that she leaves hell on earth and can die in her sleep.

 

[<RJMC>]

cant you pay the trip so she can go whit her sister?

 

[Raziaar]

Her sister lives with her parents. After my uncle, her husband died of a heart attack. I think they feel suffocated by her bipolar personality as much as I do.

The problem for me is figuring out what exactly I can do. My mom would have to go back into another home. She's simply incapable of caring for herself, willingly I've grown to believe. Can't just dump her on someone that doesn't have the facilities to care for her. I asked her on the phone if there was some way she could get herself moved to Oklahoma... and she basically pleaded to me, "I don't want to fly. I can't even walk without my walker." I don't know what sort of physical state she's in. She's fluctuated wildly with her weight over the years... from extremely thin to extremely fat.

 

[<RJMC>]

she is in some special care place isnt?

 

[Raziaar]

she is in some special care place isnt?

Yes. For all of my life since the age of 3 or so. From one to the other. Kind of a care home, but not a mental home even though no doubt a lot of the people need care because of mental issues. I'm fairly certain she's been free to leave and get a job and a life at any time after a period of time, but for the most part never did. The exception to that once was when she found a not so great guy who lived in the same home she was in at the time and they got married and he eventually died. That was the one time she seemed to have a sense of self determination, because she didn't live in a home while she was with him, they got a trailer, but she never got a job. It was basically all him... even though from my experiences he was a scumbag.

It's a bit complicated to give advice, not actually experiencing the situation, but I would say you should probably not get too involved. Some people are just so destructive that you cannot have them be a part of your life without destroying you, it's a sad but real truth. Despite being mentally ill, she also seems to have learned helplessness, and so you should not expect that things will improve for her if you give into her pleas. I wouldn't know for sure, but she sounds psychopathic, in the way she guilts and asks for favors frequently. Even if you went through all the effort of relocating her, I don't think you could expect her to change; her complaints and issues would just be directed at something else.

I went through a somewhat similar experience. I used to have a friend who definitely had some personal and mental problems, and he would often use people. We drifted years ago because I realized he was a destructive influence in my personal life. Earlier this school year I got a call from him once or twice asking to hang out, but I never got around to it because I wasn't ready to trust him. I never heard from him again after September.
This January he shot himself. He called one of his friends, telling him that he was very depressed. His friend told him he would come over, but at the time he couldn't because he was babysitting. Well, when his friend got their he had already shot himself.. I definitely felt a bit of guilt, but at the same time I don't blame myself, because I had to remove myself from someones life so it would not affect mine. I guess what I am trying to say is, don't blame yourself, whatever your mom ends up doing..
I know that is sort of selfish, but I think about that kid who found my friend's body, and how ****ed up his life will be, because he had to see his friend convulsing on the ground from a self inflicted gunshot to his head.
He had plenty of friends and everything, but no matter what, something was always bothering him.

You know, I feel the same way on a lot of fronts. I feel too far removed from my mom, too long without any deep emotional connection with her especially considering she's never been talkative on the phone and my infrequent phone calls with her have gotten shorter and shorter over time. They average about 10-30 seconds now and I feel like nothing has changed. Just an exchange of 'I love you' and it's over, she wants to talk to my brother then, and equally short with him until the next phone call.

But she is my mom and I feel completely, utterly devastated by this latest phone call, the past two ones that she sounds utterly suicidal, but I don't think she would be suicidal as she is extremely religious and adversarial to suicide, or at least was in the past.

The phone call tonight has totally flipped my day upside down and I feel like it has the lingering effect on me to last a long time and cause me a lot of mental and emotional damage which is starting already. That's the kind of problem I have with this whole situation... trying to fix my mom's problems, giving her what she wants at the expense of what I need. Making her decisions for her, coming to swoop her up and take care of her, like a son should.

 

[lord_raken]

I feel for you man. I know nearly nothing about situations like these, but I do have one comment that might help.

I suggest you write your mother a letter. I think, if nothing else, she deserves and honest explanation. Be honest but kind. Tell her the truth about what you feel. Tell her the good and the bad. Tell here that you love her (if you do). Tell her you are afraid that no matter what you do, she will still find a way to be disappointed.

The truth can hurt, and what I suggest might be a huge mistake. I may be giving horrible advice, but I believe that when all else fails, honesty may be the only way to bring closure.

I'm really sorry for ya, Raz. I really hope you find a way to bring some peace to all this.

I know you are not religious, I know your experience with it has only been negative, but I will be praying for you to find peace and happiness if you can. If nothing else, know that I am thinking of you.

 

[Sulkdodds]

I like to live by the maxim that if we treat people as we hope they can be and as they ought to be, they will become what they are capable of being - that in essence and to cite a cliche you get what you give. But this case tests my faith pretty severely. On the one hand, people are often capable of incredible things they will never realise they can do unless they're pushed to it. Adversity and suffering, not to mention work and stress, have a habit of filling up whatever space and time is available whether a small span or a big. If she had not filled you as a child with a hate-and-fear-fuelled vision of her faith you might feel that Christian charity demands you lend her a hand. Meanwhile, there is something distasteful about the school of thought that demands we jettison the things that are difficult for us.

But sometimes people just don't change. And sometimes you will break your back trying to do it. If you'll allow me to be as blunt to you about your own mother as I might more conventionally be about a conniving ex-wife, this woman has fucked you and fucked you up repeatedly. It seems likely to the point of certainty that letting her into the home you've so strenuously built for yourself would be a disaster with repercussions lasting for years. Maybe life shouldn't be phrased in these terms, but there is no way in hell you owe her anything. If I were in your position? I wouldn't do it. I would keep up contact, I would write her letters, I would give her every kindness and concession I felt I could afford, but I wouldn't do it. And I think it would take a far braver man than I - or maybe just a dumber one - to try.

Whatever happens, try not to castigate yourself for not being able to come to her aid. Because that's the situation as far as I can see: you are not able. I can't profess to any great insight into your life relative to other members but it's clear you're a guy who's undergone a lot of troubles, who is engaged, like so many of us, in a daily struggle just to feel you are living a normal life and to maintain the conditions of health, wellbeing and activity that are supposed to be present by default. Feeling bad for not being able to save her on a white horse would be like refusing when the plane shudders and the lights wink out and the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling to don your own before you fasten up your daughter's.

(I am skeptical of lord_raken's advice to write a letter - not sure your mother sounds like the kind who'd be able to treat that reasonably rather than go mental over it)

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. I certainly don't have any easy answers. One thing I would ask is whether there is anyone else in your meatspace community who you can try and reach out to - old friends, churches, charities, etc...have you discussed your feelings with your brother?

 

[Krynn72]

Uh, well the first thing I would do is tell her caretakers what she said. Whether its a plea for attention or not, she may need to be watched because thats borderline suicide talk.

As for what you should do, long term? Obviously I can't be of any real help, no training or experience in such matters. Though the first thing that crosses my mind is that I definitely would not have her move in with you. It sounds like if a situation where if you try to do that for her, you'll actually be doing more harm than good. Like ZT said, she most likely won't feel much better, and instead make her need to find a new thing to blame all of her problems on. Honestly, that new thing would probably be you. It sounds like you know that already too. She wont be any better, and you'll feel much worse, that would be the net result.

I dont know. I think if I were in your situation, I might even just sever my ties with her completely. If you're only communicating with her out of a perceived obligation since she gave birth to you, I dont think thats a valid reason to allow her to do this to you. I mean, saying "pray that I die" is pretty a ****ing malicious thing to say to someone you love, especially if its just because she wants attention. Goddamn, what an awful thing to say. I honestly think I'd be more angry than distraught. If I had been dragged through the same relationship, I think I'd be seriously considering giving her a final goodbye. I'd write her a letter like Raken described, and then sever all ties. My friend did exactly that with his family (from a really religious, southern family as well, and hes gay, so he got a lot of shit from them ever since he came out, like 15 years ago) and he says he feels a lot better. I mean, he went all out though, changed his name, got a new number, moved, set up new email accounts, etc. He just reached a point where the relationship with his parents simply wasn't worth saving, and his life improved in good order.

Of course, thats a completely different situation, so I don't know if its applicable, but the option to just walk away is there.


I'm really sorry that you're in such a position. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you, but you really need to know that you're good person. Dont ever think you're at fault for anything thats happened to her, any guilt you feel is undeserved. Your mother's position is pitiable, but wholly of her own accord.

 

[Sulkdodds]

Yeah, that's pretty good advice too. Jesus christ "Christian charity" really what

 

[Bad^Hat]

The phone call tonight has totally flipped my day upside down and I feel like it has the lingering effect on me to last a long time and cause me a lot of mental and emotional damage which is starting already. That's the kind of problem I have with this whole situation... trying to fix my mom's problems, giving her what she wants at the expense of what I need. Making her decisions for her, coming to swoop her up and take care of her, like a son should.

This is exactly why you shouldn't go out of your way to help her. If she's capable of causing you this kind of anguish at a distance, do you really want to bring her into your life again? It seems harsh, but it's pretty evident that she's beyond this kind of help based on what you've said. If your relationship with her is this damaging, then you should absolutely be thinking of yourself, and there's no reason you should feel guilty or selfish for doing so. Besides that it sounds like you also have your brother to think about, and considering it's gotten as far as her making an attempt on your lives, that's not something to take lightly, regardless of whether there's any chance of it escalating to that point again. Trauma is a powerful thing, as I'm sure you know.

You say "like a son should," but that kind of thinking probably isn't very helpful. Of course she's your mother and always will be, but when your mental well-being is at stake you really have to think about it as coldly as you can. In any case, you seem fairly confident that this would only help her in a superficial sense, that she'll likely never truly be well, so I doubt you need much convincing on this front. Just know that, as dreadful as this situation is, and as ambivalent as you might feel about acting one way or the other, there is absolutely nothing wrong with looking out for yourself, especially when you feel this strongly about the repercussions.

Anyway, I won't pray for you (doubt you'd want me to anyway ), but my heart goes out to you man. This sounds like a truly dire situation, and regardless of her issues she really had no right to put that kind of pressure on you. Hang in there, and all that.

 

[Raziaar]

I don't really feel like responding in depth to anything right now, not that that I really was looking for truly insightful advice as much as I am venting and maybe looking for some support. Maybe later.

You say "like a son should," but that kind of thinking probably isn't very helpful.

The way I said that, was basically how I felt she insists. "Take care of me because I'm your mom and you love me."

 

[Bad^Hat]

Ah, sorry for the misunderstanding. Like I said, it really doesn't sound like she's in any position to be putting that kind of pressure on you, whether you're her son or not. Anyway, I'm probably not telling you anything you haven't already thought of.

 

[15357]

God, man.

I don't think that anything I can say can help, nor do I think that I am worthy of giving advice about such deep-rooted problems.

Have you tried counseling? For you, I mean. I'd be pretty disturbed were I in your situation.

 

[99.vikram]

I don't think you should cut all ties, as others have suggested. You're probably the only person who cares about her at this point, which is why she's trying to guilt you into loving her. If you can, just grow a thicker skin to this kind of stuff and inform the caregivers that she's having such dark thoughts.

All that said, don't let a poisonous influence enter your home and screw with your sanity on a daily basis.

 

[The Monkey]

Listen Raz, first off I'm sorry to hear about that, it must be though as shit to go through. But here's the way I look at it: you don't owe her anything. Respect should be earned, not just given; it doesn't matter if it's a parent, a friend or a partner. And from what you wrote it clearly doesn't seem like she has earned your respect. If she had been a good parent, with all which that entails, you might have been in her debt morally, but I don't think you are now. I realize that the relationship between a parent and a child is a unique one in a way, but you do not have to put your life through so much misery over the next several decades, just to satisfy a women who didn't care about in your childhood.

 

[Maestro]

I'm a little late on this one, don't know if I'm early enough to impact things:

You already know the right answer, Raz. You just have to accept it.