What's the best joke you've ever heard?

A man in a bar makes a bet with the bartender. "I bet you $100 I can make that horse outside laugh." The bartender says ok, thinking he's going to make an easy $100. The man walks outside, the door shuts behind him. When he walks back in, the horse outside is in an obvious belly laugh. The bartender regretfully hands over $100, and asks, "What did you do?" The man replies, "I said I had a longer penis than him." Well, the bartender, not wanting to lose $100 that easily, says, "I'll give you $200 if you can make that horse cry." The man thinks for a moment, then walks outside. When he comes back in, the horse is in quite obvious distress. The bartender gets out the money and asks, "What did you do this time?" To this the man replied, "I showed him."
 
I walk into a bar and I asked the bartender for a drink. He goes, sure.

I'm not old enough to drink legally.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
ShinRa said:
I walk into a bar and I asked the bartender for a drink. He goes, sure.

I'm not old enough to drink legally.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Click to expand...

:(



This joke isn't that good, and turned out to be more family-friendly than I initially thought as reading it, but meh:

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny! You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father's old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"
 
Emporius said:
:(



This joke isn't that good, and turned out to be more family-friendly than I initially thought as reading it, but meh:

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny! You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father's old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"
Click to expand...

I wish there was an applause smiley, because this post deserves it.
 
Geogaddi said:
*SNIP*

Hi everybody. I'm sulkdodds, a moderator here at Halflife2.net. Before I edited this post, it contained that very long joke about the snake in the desert. Now, it's a very funny joke, but as it's already been told once in this thread, wasting a massive amount of screenspace on it is not really justifiable. So I've cut it down and direct all curious readers a few pages back, where the joke was told for the first time.

Geo, re-edit this post into something else if you want. Ye bastid
cop-1.gif
Click to expand...

Left intact because I have a man crush on Sulk.
 
Oh christ i lol'd!

posting in an epic thread

riomhaire that ****ing rocked out!!!!! :D
 
Why would you bring a sheep to a cliff?

So it pushes back harder
 
Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
 
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

100. 1 to hold the bulb, 99 to turn the house round.
 
How many tries does it take to change a light bulb successfully?

None. Because the moment you screw up, it's done!

(I made that myself)
 
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Feminists can't change a goddamn thing!
 
This joke is slightly more in the delivery, but here goes nothing:
There's a guy hitch-hiking through Australia and late at night he gets picked up by this farmer. The hitch-hiker falls asleep, but then is woken by a *CRASH! CRASH! THUMP!*
"What the hell was that?!" asks the hitch-hiker.
"We just ran over an aborigine," replies the farmer.
"Well, that explains the bump, but what about the crashes?"
"I had to drive through two fences to hit the bastard."
 
^^Shazaam!


The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY?!

 
Copied from elsewhere. I'd originally heard a different version of the joke, but it still works. :D

There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. Let's say his name was Joe. Well, Joe was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man.

So, he asked him for his ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have your ticket?"

"Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident," he replied.

"Sorry sir, can't have any passengers without tickets." He grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and threw him out of the train. Well, he landed on the tracks and was run over by the train. Naturally, the conductor was arrested and thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution.

The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like for his last meal. He asks for a banana. They gave it to him, he ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the big switch once, and nothing happened. So, he did it again, and nothing happened. Well, by law the guy was legally dead, so they had to release him.

Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a conductor! One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy.

"Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked the conductor.

"A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mistake..", said the little boy.

And.. the same thing happened -- the boy was thrown off the train and killed. The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electrocution. It came to his last day. The death row guard asked him what he would like for his meal. He asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites.

He was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they were smart.

They washed his hands to get rid of any banana slime, they washed up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The switch-puller pulled the switch once, and nothing happened. The switch-puller pulled the switch twice, and nothing happened, not even a single hair raising on the guy's chest.

Well, as the law says, they had to let him go...

Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad.

This time it was a rabbi. Same old stuff. Rabbi had no ticket (he forgot to buy it). Guy threw him off the train, rabbi died. Guy was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the guard asked him what he would like for a last meal, he asked for a banana. He ate it, received last rites, and was escorted to the chamber.

However, this time the officials where going to get it right! They scrubbed his body with a brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners...

Okay, they strapped him in, and threw the switch once, nothing happened. Threw the switch a second time, nothing happened. At this point the guy was legally dead, etc, etc.

But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated (he'd seen this same guy three times already). asked, "What is it with the banana!"

The guy replied, "I just like bananas."

So, the executioner screamed, "THEN HOW COME YOU DON'T DIE!!!!!"

"I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I'm just not a very good conductor."
Click to expand...
 
I find it a bit disturbing that I laughed like a maniac at that. :p
 
Best "yo mamma" joke I've heard:

What's the difference between yo mamma and a washing machine?

When I drop a load in the washing machine it doesn't follow me around for a week.
 
AmishSlayer said:
Best "yo mamma" joke I've heard:

What's the difference between yo mamma and a washing machine?

When I drop a load in the washing machine it doesn't follow me around for a week.
Click to expand...

haha!

Bad^Hat's was freaking hilarious too.
 
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