Whingelife2.net, Help ?

[Shyam]

Not calling you guys whingers or anything. So the story goes something like this.

I hang around with my Indian friends (I am Indian) in university. I've had a crush on this girl for four years, but this woman is arranged married, so I laid off. This year, she confided in me how bad her marriage is, how her parents are not letting her get a divorce. This became more common. She would open herself emotionally to me.

A month ago, she invited me to her house. We were alone and one thing led to another. After a week, when the euphoria of having my first lover settled down I realised she was married, and there is every chance she might be treating this as a fling. I have fallen for her.

so my question to you guys is this.

1. How do I know if she is just having a fling ? Do I justgo upto her and ask her ?

2. Should I just stop now and cut and run ?

3. Even if I were to end this, how would I do this without causing bad blood between us ?

Yeah, I am pretty naive when it comes to the affairs of the heart.

 

[JFry]

I'm not very well-versed in Indian culture but I'd imagine the answer will involve swords and several cows. Possibly a tract of land.
If this happened a month ago and you haven't had any kinda follow-up contact with her since then I think it's safe to assume it was a fling? Just ask her if you aren't sure. Sounds like you just need to talk to her. But first figure out what you want. Are you interested in pursuing a woman willing to cheat on her husband? Though the whole arranged thing could kinda void that as being a negative. As for the last thing.. I'd be more worried about bad blood with her husband.

 

[Uriel]

What would Duke do?

 

[The Monkey]

What, she lives on New Zealand? Sure the police could protect her from her psycho parents should she chose to leave that grotesque marriage arrangement?

 

[DEATHMASTER]

Option 2.

 

[No Limit]

I also don't know about the indian culture. But here is what I would do. I would keep hooking up with her while at the same time keeping your options open (because this is your first lover is the reason you think you have fallen for her). Also make sure the husband doesn't find out, that could be awkward for everybody.

 

[Stylo]

Ask her, obviously. It's the only way you can know. You don't have to tell her you've fallen for her or anything.

Just ask "Is this just a fling?"

If yes, then you tell her you're not a dog's chew toy and you get your ass out of there and back into self-respectsville.

 

[Shyam]

To expand on what I have added, her husband is 12 years her senior (I am not kidding). She did not like the marriage then, but said nothing because of pressure by family.

I had asked her what she could foresee in our relationship. She fears what her Husband and her family will think, at the same time she is not willing to break it off with me. although she is only 23 years old and is actually naive when it comes to these things.

After that incident a month ago, we have been seeing each other, well out of sight from her family and friends. If she gets caught, she will pretty much be ostracized both by her family, which is pretty much what awaits me. To those who have said keep other options open, the axe of arranged marriage hangs over me too in two to three years.

As I said before, in my 24 years of life, she is my first lover, and I seem to be going with the flow at the moment, and that is an extent the problem

 

[Bad^Hat]

Edited: Whoops, should've refreshed before replying.

I don't think I know enough about the particulars of the situation to be dishing out serious advice, but I'm tempted to go with something like "tell her to break it the **** off." Of course, that could well result in being ostracised by her family, but I can't bring myself to feel too sorry given they put her in this situation to begin with and, from what you're saying, are completely unreceptive to her pleas. This may be tempered a bit by my own views, because - and I apologise in advance if this sounds too insensitive - I think arranged marriage is a pretty horrid practice. If you don't mind, how do you feel about it?

Really though, it seems like you're just wondering whether or not she likes you, when you ought to be asking yourself what you'd be willing to do if she did, assuming you truly feel the same way.

 

[Unfocused]

If yes, then you tell her you're not a dog's chew toy and you get your ass out of there and back into self-respectsville.

How is he out of self-respectsville? He just got some action with a girl he has had a crush on; it's not like he got LJBF'd and is chasing her.

 

[Eejit]

1. How do I know if she is just having a fling ? Do I justgo upto her and ask her ?

The following would suggest not:

This year, she confided in me how bad her marriage is, how her parents are not letting her get a divorce. This became more common. She would open herself emotionally to me.

People generally don't confide in and emotionally open themselves for flings.

Arranged marriages suck. My girlfriend is Sri Lankan, she knows and I've met plenty of people who are in such a marriage. Some really dislike their marriage, others get along 'ok' but it's loveless and always has been. Occasionally it turns out well of course, but the institution in general is despicable.


Murder her husband. Marry the widow.

 

[Shift]

When are people going to just start so 'no' to their parents. If I were in that situation; I was told I had to marry some person I'd never even met, I'd tell them to get lost, even if it meant a complete isolation from the entire family. I think there are certain traditions in countries, including my own, that really just need to die, and the people still living by them really need to wake up and smell the year 2011.

 

[Stylo]

How is he out of self-respectsville? He just got some action with a girl he has had a crush on; it's not like he got LJBF'd and is chasing her.

Serious post analogy is serious.

 

[DEATHMASTER]

Not too many options left mang.
1) reveal it, accept consequences (you are both adults, it's not like they can keep you two apart)
2) keep sneaking
3) break it off

Depending on how much you mean to each other, I'd consider option 1. Be sure you BOTH are ready to deal with it.

 

[Solaris]

If you agree to an arranged marriage you are committing a great wrong indeed. Fight the power.

 

[Remus]

Not too many options left mang.
1) reveal it, accept consequences (you are both adults, it's not like they can keep you two apart)
2) keep sneaking
3) break it off

Depending on how much you mean to each other, I'd consider option 1. Be sure you BOTH are ready to deal with it.

Given that you are both adults, you seem to care for each other, and she has openly told you she hates the aranged marriege, I would sugest option 1. Also what Shift said.

 

[Mogi67]

break it off, don't be an asshole. don't become the person you've always

 

[Remus]

break it off, don't be an asshole.

The way I see it, the only assholes in this mess are her parents for forcing her into an arranged marriege.

 

[Escaep]

Run away to America with her.

 

[Mogi67]

The way I see it, the only assholes in this mess are her parents for forcing her into an arranged marriege.

Yeah well what about the other guy? He might actually care for his wife, who's cheating on him with the OP. Shit ain't right, arranged or not. Haven't you ever been cheated on?

 

[MuToiD_MaN]

The way I see it, the only assholes in this mess are her parents for forcing her into an arranged marriege.

Subjective. It's their culture and has been for generations. In fact, from what I understand, they usually turn out pretty well.

 

[CptStern]

Not calling you guys whingers or anything. So the story goes something like this.

I hang around with my Indian friends (I am Indian) in university. I've had a crush on this girl for four years, but this woman is arranged married, so I laid off. This year, she confided in me how bad her marriage is, how her parents are not letting her get a divorce. This became more common. She would open herself emotionally to me.

A month ago, she invited me to her house. We were alone and one thing led to another. After a week, when the euphoria of having my first lover settled down I realised she was married, and there is every chance she might be treating this as a fling. I have fallen for her.

so my question to you guys is this.

1. How do I know if she is just having a fling ? Do I justgo upto her and ask her ?

2. Should I just stop now and cut and run ?

3. Even if I were to end this, how would I do this without causing bad blood between us ?

Yeah, I am pretty naive when it comes to the affairs of the heart.

oh come on you made this up

1. hmmm pious enough to consent to an arranged marriage but not enough not to have sex with guys that arent her husband. she's a keeper. you two should secretly elope
2. how fast can your legs carry you? do you have access to a bike and or donkey?
3. "I like you but I dont want to be in the middle of it when the husband honor kills you"

 

[Eejit]

1. hmmm pious enough to consent to an arranged marriage but not enough not to have sex with guys that arent her husband. she's a keeper. you two should secretly elope

What has "pious" got to do with anything?

 

[CptStern]

I'm assuming the arranged marriage was in some part due to religious beliefs

 

[Mogi67]

Doesn't really matter. You can't seperate the religion and the culture.

 

[Krynn72]

break it off, don't be an asshole. don't become the person you've always

...




... always?

 

[Remus]

always...



Coca Cola?

Spoiler

sorry, had to

 

[<RJMC>]

challenge his future husband to a fight so spend how many time you have left to train martials arts in a temple of hanuman to be ready to fight his minions to a bollywood soundtrack?

 

[Stylo]

challenge [STRIKE]his[/STRIKE] her future husband to a fight

This, but like... Gladiator style in an arena. Maybe involve a tank of angry, underfed alligators. Definitely involve sharp weapons. I will attend.

 

[Raziaar]

What the **** is Whinge?

 

[Eejit]

Whinge = whine

 

[Raziaar]

I figured that, but whinge makes it sound comically ridiculous.

 

[Krynn72]

Don't hinge on your whinge or I'll punch you in the minge.

You should tell her that next time she complains about her shitty marriage whilst not doing anything to fix it.

 

[Stylo]

To be frank, she should be in the kitchen anyway.

 

[Maestro]

To be frank, she should be in the kitchen anyway.

What if they are in the kitchen?

 

[lord_raken]

I'm a hopeless romantic so keep that in mind when I tell you this.

Do what several of the guys here have told you to do: Have a deep heart to heart conversation about what you mean to each other and what you want for your future and eachother. Consider the consequences and implications of you various options agree upon one, whatever that may be. (here comes the romantic) If you truly love one another find a way to be together. If your happiness means running, do it. But be CERTAIN that your relationship is worth the consequences, and be sure that you are willing to accept them.

I'm a novice in matters of the heart as well I wish you the best, and I hope you find a resolution that makes you happy.

BTW: What of your "betrothed" what is your relationship with her? Is she unenthusiastic like you are? Is she a friend or a stranger? If she is a friend you can trust you might want to give her a heads up... if not, well.... I guess she will be surprised with the rest of everyone else.

 

[Stylo]

What if they are in the kitchen?

...

...

Well played...

 

[Gargantou]

This thread went uphill after Stern commented!

 

[Shyam]

Edited: Whoops, should've refreshed before replying.

I don't think I know enough about the particulars of the situation to be dishing out serious advice, but I'm tempted to go with something like "tell her to break it the **** off." Of course, that could well result in being ostracised by her family, but I can't bring myself to feel too sorry given they put her in this situation to begin with and, from what you're saying, are completely unreceptive to her pleas. This may be tempered a bit by my own views, because - and I apologise in advance if this sounds too insensitive - I think arranged marriage is a pretty horrid practice. If you don't mind, how do you feel about it?

Really though, it seems like you're just wondering whether or not she likes you, when you ought to be asking yourself what you'd be willing to do if she did, assuming you truly feel the same way.

I feel arranged marriages are horrid too.

I am willing to risk being ostracized from my family too. She stands to lose more than me, and it would be horrible of me not to reciprocate.

 

[Shyam]

I'm assuming the arranged marriage was in some part due to religious beliefs

No. In modern times money is more important. Parents usually look for a well paid professional for their daughter. Social security is more important than religion.

And no, there will be no honor killing here. A vast majority of Indians don't indulge in honor killing. But selective abortion on the other hand....