Write Valve's "It's Delayed Again" Press Release For 'Em..

[Democritus]

Turning the tables on SLUFAN's thread, write a press release for the next delay! Here's mine.
--------------------------------------
Hey community, we at Valve need to announce that Half Life 2 has been delayed again. We're sorry, but when we delivered the Release Candidate to Vivendi, they told us that what we delivered was "RC" -- Really Crappy. Specifically, before we can release we have to:

1. Fix that "shadows of objects on the table show under the table" feature that they see as a bug
2. Make the boxed version Vivendi distrbutes cooler than the Steam version so that Vivendi can make more money. Therefore, the boxed version will have an exclusive expansion called Half-Life 2.5, King of the Ant Lions
3. Port Ricochet over the Source engine
4. Make Alyx less butch in non-German versions of the game
5. Recode the Combine to be more polite
6. Retool the Hammer editor so even retarded monkeys can use it.

I asked Doug Lombardi when the next RC would be. He went into a trance, fading slightly as he phased in and out of his temporal vortex and chanted: Hol-i-days!!!!... HOL-I-DAYS!!!!!! CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

Gabe Newell
[email protected]
username:admin
password:admin

 

[63]

This is such a great way to support Valve..

 

[Mr-Fusion]

October 1st 2004
We're delaying Half-Life 2 for 4 more months so we can fix the wall texturing on bomb site A on De_dust for the CS:S beta. It's absolute priority number 1 at Valve software to make sure every random Johnny is satisfied with CS:S beta.

Thankyou for your patience.

 

[Big Fat Duck]

Doug: sup, its delayed... and we dont give a shit what you guys think.. really

 

[Night-Hawk[Qc]]

From: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, September 28, 2004 10:46 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: We did it again...

Really bad day for Valve today...

I don't know how to tell you this, but I think we got hacked again.

This Sucks

The hacker was obviously one really good hacker, he managed to get inside my dad's computer (Goerge Newell). We are still investigating on how the hacker got in the FTP server I had set up on port 21 of my dad's PC. We think he managed to intercept the password and login I sent to my dad a week ago via Email. I thought the password was ok though..."gaben" always does it normally when it comes to passwords. (Easy to remember).

So I'm sorry it has come to this point, but we don't have any other choice than to delay the game again. We're pretty confident it will ship for the holidays 2005.

Gabe Newell
Lia...CEO of Valve Software

 

[smilez]

Valves Message : " " (nothing)

 

[Ahnteis]

Valve announced today decided that their "fans" are such buttheads that they've decided NOT to release HL2. Instead, they'll play it themselves and spend their money on living the "high life" instead of putting it back into game development.

When asked to comment, Valve personnel replied that they were tired of all the whining.

 

[Mr-Fusion]

Valves Message : " " (nothing)

Ahah that's more like it.

We'll be sitting in January 2005, not a peep from Valve.
Outraged fans: "WHY DID YOU DELAY THE GAME WHERE IS WTF IS GOING ON!"
Blind fanboy: "Hey, they never announced a specific date so it's not officially delayed. I personally love that they're pushing the game back this much it just means it'll be a better game"

October 2005
Outraged fans: "WHY DID YOU DELAY THE GAME WHERE IS WTF IS GOING ON!"
Blind fanboy: "Hey, they never announced a specific date so it's not officially delayed. I personally love that they're pushing the game back this much it just means it'll be a better game"

 

[dkelly]

Turns out Half-Life 2 was just a big joke.
It never existed.
Enjoy.
-Gabe(?)

 

[nutcrackr]

It has come to our attention that we needed to branch out towards bigger and better things. We have signed with 3DRealms to co-produce the upcoming game "Half Duke" we have sourced out various engines and have decided to scrap all work done on DNF and HL2 in an effort to produce a top game. We know gamers will be excited when we make a game giving the best of two popular gaming franchises. We expect the game will ship 2007.

 

[tiny68]

he he he u guys r funny

 

[bate18]

Half-Life 2 has gone gold!! We're just kidding, the game has been delayed to spring 2005 due a showstopping problem with CS:S.

 

[Narcolepsy]

From: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, September 28, 2004 10:46 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: We did it again...

Really bad day for Valve today...

I don't know how to tell you this, but I think we got hacked again.

This Sucks

The hacker was obviously one really good hacker, he managed to get inside my dad's computer (Goerge Newell). We are still investigating on how the hacker got in the FTP server I had set up on port 21 of my dad's PC. We think he managed to intercept the password and login I sent to my dad a week ago via Email. I thought the password was ok though..."gaben" always does it normally when it comes to passwords. (Easy to remember).

So I'm sorry it has come to this point, but we don't have any other choice than to delay the game again. We're pretty confident it will ship for the holidays 2005.

Gabe Newell
Lia...CEO of Valve Software

You know, that really shouldn't be funny, but I was laughing hysterically the entire time.

I need more sleep...

 

[Democritus]

Ahah that's more like it.

We'll be sitting in January 2005, not a peep from Valve.
Outraged fans: "WHY DID YOU DELAY THE GAME WHERE IS WTF IS GOING ON!"
Blind fanboy: "Hey, they never announced a specific date so it's not officially delayed. I personally love that they're pushing the game back this much it just means it'll be a better game"

October 2005
Outraged fans: "WHY DID YOU DELAY THE GAME WHERE IS WTF IS GOING ON!"
Blind fanboy: "Hey, they never announced a specific date so it's not officially delayed. I personally love that they're pushing the game back this much it just means it'll be a better game"

That sums up about every release date thread ever done. Nice.

 

[Mountain Man]

Half-Life 2 will be delayed until 3rd quarter 2005. This is our way of saying 'F*ck you!' to all of our loyal fans.

Sincerely,
Gabe Newell
Valve Software

 

[RhapSidious]

From: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, September 28, 2004 10:46 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: We did it again...

Really bad day for Valve today...

I don't know how to tell you this, but I think we got hacked again.

This Sucks

The hacker was obviously one really good hacker, he managed to get inside my dad's computer (Goerge Newell). We are still investigating on how the hacker got in the FTP server I had set up on port 21 of my dad's PC. We think he managed to intercept the password and login I sent to my dad a week ago via Email. I thought the password was ok though..."gaben" always does it normally when it comes to passwords. (Easy to remember).

So I'm sorry it has come to this point, but we don't have any other choice than to delay the game again. We're pretty confident it will ship for the holidays 2005.

Gabe Newell
Lia...CEO of Valve Software

Funny sh*t. Let me give it a whirl.
----------------------------------------------

November 25, 2004

This just in from SHACKNEWS, who have spoken to Valve's marketing director Doug Lombardi about the status of Valve's highly anticipated killer app Half Life 2.

"Just thought I'd give everyone an update of our status with Half Life 2. I can confirm that at this point we are 100% content complete and in the 'play testing' and 'balancing' stage. We're trying to get to zero bugs so we can submit a RC to Vivendi. Right now, we're shooting for a early 2005 release, in early-mid-late Spring/Summer/Fall.

I know this may come as a suprise to many of our fans who were hoping to be playing Half Life 2 during the holidays since we had originally thought that bug/fix ratio we were averaging would have us bug free by August.

Funniest thing happened... Gabe must of missed a zero or decimal point, or something like that, when he came up with that estimate. (Some brownies a fan from Amsterdam :smoking: sent him didn't hurt either.) ... yeah, I guess you had to be there.

Happy thanksgiving everyone!

Cheers.

Doug Lombardi
Valve

P.S. Look for a special 'holiday' Steam price for CS:CZ of $19.99 just in time for Christmas (wink-wink)"

 

[slider3005]

"I think we should delay untill december 2004 because slider3005 wants it soo bad. If we delay it long enough he may lose interest.

 

[brokenjago]

Sadly, we have delayed Half-Life 2, the egerly anticipated sequel to the award-winning and critically acclaimed Half-Life 1. To quote the G-man: So wake up [HL2.net]. Wake Up. Wake up and smell the ashes.

Yours Truly,
Gabe Newell

 

[zencat]

November 1, 2004
Valve Headquarters

Dear Fans,

We regret to inform you that Half Life 2 has been delayed slightly, and as you probably already realize, will not make the projected November 1st 2004 release date. Although many of you have paid for Half Life 2 in the form of pre-orders and ATI bundles, we still hold by our promise to finish the game "when its done". We don't owe you anything until you've pai...ah, yeah. Half Life 2 is expected to make a late 2005 - early 2006 release date. We do however plan to release Ricochet: Source by February 2005. We'll keep you updated as more comes. And remember "when its done!"

Cheers.
Doug Lombardi
Gabe Newell
Valve

 

[DarkStar]

I posted this in the other thread but it applies here as well:

"I'm pleased to announce that Half-Life 2 has gone bronze! It's kinda like going gold, but not quite as final. We're hoping to go silver by Q4 of this year."

-Doug Lombardi

 

[Loopy]

Valve Software Headquarters
Redmond, WA
October 15th, 2004 - 12:00 PM Pacific Standard Time

We regret to announce another unfortunate delay in the continuing debacle of Half-Life 2's release. It appears that Gabe Newell, Project Leader, accidentally pressed both the Control (Ctrl) and Delete (Delete) keys on his keyboard while all the files for Half-Life 2 were selected in Windows Explorer. His pinky finger then slipped and nudged the Enter (Enter) key, providing an affirmative for the prompt asking him to confirm the deletion of our only full copy of Half-Life 2.

Last year after our system was hacked, we agreed to only keep one copy of the game. Period. Fewer targets for hackers meant less of a chance of the game getting hacked, or so the logic went. This strategy served us faithfully, right up until Gabe gave his keyboard the Three Fingered Salute.

This has delayed Half-Life 2 indefinitely. Valve Software apologizes for this inconvenience.

Hang in there, I'm sure it won't be long now,
Doug Lombardi

 

[DoctorGordon]

Valve Software Headquarters
Redmond, WA
October 15th, 2004 - 12:00 PM Pacific Standard Time

We regret to announce another unfortunate delay in the continuing debacle of Half-Life 2's release. It appears that Gabe Newell, Project Leader, accidentally pressed both the Control (Ctrl) and Delete (Delete) keys on his keyboard while all the files for Half-Life 2 were selected in Windows Explorer. His pinky finger then slipped and nudged the Enter (Enter) key, providing an affirmative for the prompt asking him to confirm the deletion of our only full copy of Half-Life 2.

Last year after our system was hacked, we agreed to only keep one copy of the game. Period. Fewer targets for hackers meant less of a chance of the game getting hacked, or so the logic went. This strategy served us faithfully, right up until Gabe gave his keyboard the Three Fingered Salute.

This has delayed Half-Life 2 indefinitely. Valve Software apologizes for this inconvenience.

Hang in there, I'm sure it won't be long now,
Doug Lombardi

LOL!!! "Hang in there, I'm sure it won't be long now"

 

[poseyjmac]

http://ecard.veepers.com/service/RetrieveCard?id=8cwb6pRW2bgRyCslMrMkvG

id make a new one but im too lazy

 

[killerteoz]

my dear fans half life 2 never existed...
nice joke uhm?
greetings
Gabe :cheers:

 

[The Dark Elf]

This is such a great way to support Valve..

They are grown men, im sure they can take a little negativity after everything thats happened. Can't expect everyone to just keep being nice year after year.

Besides, its harmless and in better taste than a few threads/posts i can think of.

 

[Mr. Redundant]

I just realized I posted this in the wrong thread, so here ya go.

Doug: HALF-LIFE2 FANBOYS, I HAVE GREAT NEWS!!!!!

HL2 fanboyz: "what? Hl2 has gone gold?!!?!"

Doug: NO!!, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Gieko.

 

[X-ander]

Ahah that's more like it.

We'll be sitting in January 2005, not a peep from Valve.
Outraged fans: "WHY DID YOU DELAY THE GAME WHERE IS WTF IS GOING ON!"
Blind fanboy: "Hey, they never announced a specific date so it's not officially delayed. I personally love that they're pushing the game back this much it just means it'll be a better game"

October 2005
Outraged fans: "WHY DID YOU DELAY THE GAME WHERE IS WTF IS GOING ON!"
Blind fanboy: "Hey, they never announced a specific date so it's not officially delayed. I personally love that they're pushing the game back this much it just means it'll be a better game"

hahhahahaaaaa

 

[skipper]

hay just think when were been annielated by an astroid or something like the dinosours in 60millionyears time people (or other human speices) might be diging up focell of a HL2 game box and put it up in a musium and saying this is how once this box lived hehe

sorry j/k with all you lot hehe

ps sorry about the spelling youl get use to me

 

[ferd]

it's quite funny

 

[Seppo]

Nice thread. It's just what this forum needs, more humour.

 

[six_storm]

Doug L:

"Another bad day for Valve, we have to hold off on the release of Half Life 2. On a lighter note, we are pleased to announce that Valve Software has struck a deal with Microsoft and ATI. Beginning April 2007, Half Life 2 will come bundled with a purchase of Microsoft's Longhorn Operating Systems. Half Life 2 will also come bundled with ATI's next-gen video card, the ATI Radeon 296,500 XT Pro Plantium Lite, Half Life 2's official graphics card. Start saving your pennies because Half Life 2 is coming in April 2007!"

Gabe Newell will then say:

"Another bad day for Valve. While putting the finishing touches on Half Life 2, Doug came by my office and asked what I wanted for lunch. At first, my mind just went completely blank. Then, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut crossed my mind but I couldn't make a decision."

"As for Half Life 2's release date? Well, we here at Valve had a meeting about the production and we came to a conclusion that we should just concentrate on Counter Strike Source and Half Life Source. Once we can touch up all the textures and models and imply them into the source engine, We will go back to tinkering around with Half Life 2. The fans want Half Life 2 very badly, we should know. But we here at Valve think otherwise."

"To the fans, go buy Counter Strike: Condition Zero and download the Source Beta. Tell us what you think and if there are any bugs. We could sure use the help. Half Life 2 will be released September 30th, 2007 for sure! That's if we don't have another hacker."

 

[kaellinn18]

Gabe:

Another bad day for Valve. First off, I got to work and forgot my login and password. I had to ask Doug to check the inside of my underwear (that's where my mom writes it). Gabe N!! I knew it was something simple. So I log in to my computer and was checking my email. I dunno how it happened, but I accidentally emailed the entire HL2 code library, textures, models, maps, and sounds to *****. Unfortunately, this means that we'll have to delay HL2 again so we can rework the Source engine to avoid cheating on Steam.

My bad,
Gabe N (that's not really my password I was just kidding... you guys won't try to hack me right?)

PS - Plz don't play the leak!! Pretty Plz!!

 

[Logic]

Dear Fans

Here at Valve, we're doing everything possible to make Half-Life 2 the best game we can. We understand that many of you are frustrated that the game isn't out yet, but we feel that there is very little we can do at this stage to please you. We advise that you wait for an EA Sports title instead of Half-Life 2, as you can rely on it to be released on time, and it will contain exactly what you expect from it. This should not only appeal to your dislike of delays, but will also prevent the disapointment that can occur from finding out that a game doesn't live up to your delusionally hyped expectations.

We hope this helps, and that mediocre games are able to give you the happiness you have been unable to get from us.

- Gabe Newell

 

[gooball]

"Half-Life 2 will arrive a few months later then we had hoped.

Here's the story:
To celebrate the game going gold, we broke out the champaign and had a bit of a party. Everything was going great, we had a DJ set up in the office and spin beats while we danced and celebrated. Gabe was showing off his knife collection. I was skateboarding all over the offices, in the lobby, and in the Steam server room (sorry about the 2 minute outage, by the way. I ollied off one of the server cases and fell into a bunch of wires.) As the party continued in to the night, every employee had a chance to pick music for the DJ to play. Somehow the HL2 gold disc got mixed in with the techno cds.

The damn stoner DJ must have unknowingly taken it home after the party.

So we all strolled in to work this afternoon, and after sobering up in the meeting room for an hour, we realised that we could not find the gold master disc. We tried to track down the DJ, but nobody here seems to even remember inviting him...

Anyhow the game will be on store shelves eventually.. I need a coffee..."

- Doug Lombardi, Valve Software

 

[chu]

Gabe: I am writing to you from Mexico. It's ours. HL2 is ours and it will never be yours. Doug and I fled the states with the only copy of HL2. We also found a priest that wed us. We plan to move to a small village near the ocean. I am going to become a tortilla farmer and Doug has started bull fighting lessons. On the warm evenings Doug and I are going to take all our clothes off and curl up next to our computer and play HL2 while we rub vasoline on eachothers privates. Take care HL2 fans we will be thinking of you everytime we massage our genitals.

 

[exoeight]

Originally Posted by Mr. Redundant
Doug: HALF-LIFE2 FANBOYS, I HAVE GREAT NEWS!!!!!

HL2 fanboyz: "what? Hl2 has gone gold?!!?!"

Doug: NO!!, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Gieko

that's the best one! lol, this thread needs to win an awsome thread awared.

 

[Synthaxx R-or]

Don't think we're getting a statement, just a little prerecorded script on some deserted HL2 forum going:

"At the moment we're [looking at/working on/ironing out/waiting for] [steam problems/minor problems/packing issues/gabes bowel movents], we're shooting for [today's date + one month/spring/autum/octember] to [release the game/go gold/go bronze/release more movies/start working]"

 

[Mountain Man]

I regret to inform the Half-Life 2 community that all of our computers containing every scrap of Half-Life 2 source code have been stolen. In an incident ironically similiar to last year's software theft, Gabe Newell once again left a "security hole" open into the Valve offices. He was making a quick late-night run to the Taco Barn, and as he often did, he propped the front door open with a donut box. Sadly, the line at the check-out was longer than he had anticipated and during his absence, unknown individuals "broke in" to our offices and stole all of our computer equipment (this explains the abrubt Steam outage experienced last night).

As you can imagine, we're quite devastated by this turn of events and would appreciate any help the community can give us tracking down these individuals. With any luck, all of our equipment will be recovered with the source code intact which should give us time to rewrite any potentially compromised code (basically all of it) and fast-track Half-Life 2 for a late 2008 release.

We apologize for any inconvenience this additional delay may have caused.

Doug Lombardi
Valve Software

 

[fluX]

4. Make Alyx less butch in non-German versions of the game

Well, first of all I thought this was meant to be ironic, but:

Valve ows you nuthin. STFU.

and BTW: What's your problem with German girls (ever f* one?)

 

[The Dark Elf]

Ok this thread has gone as far as it can before turning into an argument and getting people in trouble

*locked*