A different, not-quite-as-awful-week that still results in serious depression

[Mr-Fusion]

Reminds of that Alice in Chains song Down in a hole.

"Down in a hole and I dont know if I can be saved"

The singer ended up killing himself or overdosing on drugs and dieing. Either way, it wasn't good.

Nevertheless, despair can actually drive people to do great things and pull themselves out. You'll get out of it Stigmata, just don't bloody ever give up. Always look for solutions, you'll be surprised where you end up.

 

[Stigmata]

Just to add...

I think the most important thing to remember is that noone else can tell you what you need to do in order to be happy. The only person capable of that is you. The best that anybody else can do is to help you understand yourself better and to guide you along the right path. If you look to others for answers to your problems, you'll get absolutely nowhere. What you need from others are questions, in order to help you find the right answers for yourself.

It's all down to you. It's your fault you're depressed, and your responsibility to fix it. That might sound daunting, or harsh, but actually it's incredibly liberating. It means you have the power to change it. You are the master of your own destiny.

Take it or leave it, but, I wish you the best of luck in your endeavour. If you do come through this you will be a stronger person than most people who've never had such a crisis, and that I assure you is worth working for.

I'm starting to realise that most, if not all, of this is because of my perspective. I've been depressed for so long that I'm conditioned to think this way. I've learned to interpret events as specifically negative to me.

"It's your fault you're depressed, and your responsibility to fix it."

Reading that hurt very much the first time, and I wanted to lash out at you. But it hurt because of where I put the emphasis. "It's your fault you're depressed, and your responsibility to fix it." But it's not something I need to feel ashamed of, or guilty for. It's something that's broken inside of me, because I never realised I was breaking myself in the first place. "It's your fault you're depressed, and your responsibility to fix it." I'm broken, but I can be fixed, and I can fix myself. Somehow.

I need to do something. I need to do something. I can't just sit here and feel sad all the time, no matter how painfully right it feels. I know it's not going to work immediately but I need to keep pushing myself to change somehow. Some things aren't going to work. Most things aren't going to work. But I'm going to find something, and it's going to make me happy some of the time. And that's a start.

... Right?

 

[Adabiviak]

May I ask how old you are?

 

[Stigmata]

21, turning 22 in November.

 

[Farrowlesparrow]

I'm 28.

 

[DEATHMASTER]

I'm having to class for the 3rd time because of how bitchy the college is with it. Shit is unrelated to my major (but ****ing required), what a piece of shit. But shit's even worse for you. Hope shit clears up dude.

 

[Adabiviak]

Who's prescribing your medication (as in, are you seeing a legit psychiatrist/psychologist/whatever)? If so, may I ask if you've been diagnosed with something specific?

I'm not a doctor, but an acquaintance of mine fought with this sort of thing for some time, and finally managed to get a grip on it. Some of it's medication, some of it's her current setting. Are your parents pretty cool in general (as in, are they supportive of you in any of this)?

 

[Stigmata]

Who's prescribing your medication (as in, are you seeing a legit psychiatrist/psychologist/whatever)? If so, may I ask if you've been diagnosed with something specific?

My psychiatrist works for the University teaching hospital, head of the psychiatry/psychology department, and she created FEMAP. She diagnosed me initially with severe chronic depression, but I think now I've drifted to atypical depression.

I'm not a doctor, but an acquaintance of mine fought with this sort of thing for some time, and finally managed to get a grip on it. Some of it's medication, some of it's her current setting. Are your parents pretty cool in general (as in, are they supportive of you in any of this)?

Well I've only got my mom (dad passed away three years ago June from bowel cancer), and she's very supportive of me. Obviously not supportive of my self-destructive tendencies, but she's always there for me and does everything she thinks she can to help me get better. She's gone with the family at the cottage though.

Also, on a slightly related note, I'm talking with my girlfriend right now about all this. And relationship issues. Fun times! :|

 

[Lizardizzle]

Is getting a job as ****ed up in Canada as it in here in the states? If it's not then try to find a job that has something- ANYTHING - that you like to do.

anything you're interested in at the moment.

 

[jet_porkins]

I'm 28.

Cool story bro

 

[VirusType2]

I am the before and the after. I am older than time itself.

 

[Adabiviak]

Those are two good foundations to have. Have you spoken to her (your doctor) about this recent change? We can give you moral support, but she's in a better position to know if this is a serious change or something passing.

Work is something you may have to learn to endure unless you get lucky enough to land a job doing something that you enjoy. I'd consider the quality of the people I'd be working with more over the job.

 

[Stigmata]

I work as a telephone surveyer, doing outgoing calls to the US. The first month was fine, the second was alright, the third was bearable, but now it's really starting to take its toll. It's seven hours of a) reading the same script I've read since the first day I started, b) recording a verbatim response from some idiot who keeps ranting on and on about irrelevant things who then complains that the survey is taking too long, or c) trying to finish a thought in the eight seconds between phone calls (it's an autodialer). I'm exaggerating a bit, but it really has taken its toll on me, to the point where I sometimes feel nauseous as I walk in the door. Which could just be a self-inflicted psychosomatic effect... so many questions. I do try to deal with it though, and keep my call-ins to a minimum. Meditating helps.

I may see my psychiatrist this week. But I don't know. Lately it's felt like she doesn't really have any new advice or options to offer me. I mean, I've been seeing her for almost two years, and she helped a lot at first, so maybe I've just exhausted everything useful I can get from therapy with her. When I do see her it feels somewhat like I'm talking at a wall that gives me the same answers every time. I think it's more important for me to start talking to the people around me rather than a person performing a job who is otherwise entirely unrelated to my life.

 

[Warped]

I feel ya man, my life can suck balls completely too. not being laid since October of last year, not much money at all, barely any friends left, not being in school, having a shitty car, and no girlfriend in years. also i make really dumb decisions, like going out drinking and making a fool of myself with a friend and spending way to much of my last remaining dollars in my account. i pretty much always feel like a dumb **** too but theres nowhere but up sometimes. girls come and visit me at work but i just have no energy left in the day to do anything.

i think i need to go on a month long vacation from work because every day i go in i have a headache and every day i have off is fun as hell. like tomorrow i'm going to see a movie with one of my best friend's who cares more about me than any other drinking buddy who comes to work and asks for some cash. sometimes i truly wonder how many friends i really have. another bad thing is that everyone at work found out about a drunk escapade i had recently and i'm the laughing stock in the store. i might have bragged to the wrong person but this needs to stop. these people are not my friends and they just treat me bad. also my dad helps me out a lot, but i get scolded for everything i do. i feel like this at work too, everything i do is wrong and then 10 mins later they see things my way and i get no complements. i ****ing hate it.

 

[evil^milk]

Can't really add any more advice here that hasn't already been given.

My life feels good right now, but sometimes I wake up and feel completely helpless with a sense of complete disorientation and futility for the things that I do, despite my best laid plans. But then I wake up and make shit happen, even if I don't feel like it's worth it. I agree with what repiV said, something about it all being in the center of your own control. Sometimes I go to bed satisfied with what I do, other times I think I just deserve feeling the way I do, for not doing enough. Or something.

You'll pull through man, CTRL + D this page and read it every now and then. I think if anything, it'll refresh your perspective, and when you read it a few weeks/months from now you'll realize that you've put it all together and remember when all of this was just the beginning to something better.

 

[Raziaar]

I work as a telephone surveyer, doing outgoing calls to the US. The first month was fine, the second was alright, the third was bearable, but now it's really starting to take its toll. It's seven hours of a) reading the same script I've read since the first day I started, b) recording a verbatim response from some idiot who keeps ranting on and on about irrelevant things who then complains that the survey is taking too long, or c) trying to finish a thought in the eight seconds between phone calls (it's an autodialer). I'm exaggerating a bit, but it really has taken its toll on me, to the point where I sometimes feel nauseous as I walk in the door. Which could just be a self-inflicted psychosomatic effect... so many questions. I do try to deal with it though, and keep my call-ins to a minimum. Meditating helps.

I may see my psychiatrist this week. But I don't know. Lately it's felt like she doesn't really have any new advice or options to offer me. I mean, I've been seeing her for almost two years, and she helped a lot at first, so maybe I've just exhausted everything useful I can get from therapy with her. When I do see her it feels somewhat like I'm talking at a wall that gives me the same answers every time. I think it's more important for me to start talking to the people around me rather than a person performing a job who is otherwise entirely unrelated to my life.

Good god man, you need to get out of the ****ing job you're in, and avoid all others like them like the plague. That type of work contributes greatly to you feeling like a robot. Because that's what you have to be. I would rather be a supermarket shelf stocker or burger flipper than doing what you described.

 

[VirusType2]

I've had about 30 jobs. Telemarketing definitely tops the list of worst jobs, after paper route (my first job)

 

[Murray]

I've had about 30 jobs. Telemarketing definitely tops the list of worst jobs, after paper route (my first job)

I've had these jobs as well, terrible sallaries. I think the job I had as advertisement-delivery is the worst payed legal job in Sweden.

 

[Seagull]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlfAOSYOs4E

 

[Kamikazie]

I feel ya, Stig. I girl I've loved is getting married in two months, my boss hates me, I haven't had a girlfriend in over a year, my car is wrecked, I'm becoming sick, I have a sexual assault case that just came up and I can't feel my face.

**** this.

 

[Tacoeaterguy]

Hey, if you get a hepatitis shot, can you get sick from it? Thats what ruined my day today. I can see into the future, and I'm predicting that the rest of my week will be total shit. Not tragic, but bad.

 

[repiV]

I'm starting to realise that most, if not all, of this is because of my perspective. I've been depressed for so long that I'm conditioned to think this way. I've learned to interpret events as specifically negative to me.

"It's your fault you're depressed, and your responsibility to fix it."

Reading that hurt very much the first time, and I wanted to lash out at you. But it hurt because of where I put the emphasis. "It's your fault you're depressed, and your responsibility to fix it." But it's not something I need to feel ashamed of, or guilty for. It's something that's broken inside of me, because I never realised I was breaking myself in the first place. "It's your fault you're depressed, and your responsibility to fix it." I'm broken, but I can be fixed, and I can fix myself. Somehow.

I need to do something. I need to do something. I can't just sit here and feel sad all the time, no matter how painfully right it feels. I know it's not going to work immediately but I need to keep pushing myself to change somehow. Some things aren't going to work. Most things aren't going to work. But I'm going to find something, and it's going to make me happy some of the time. And that's a start.

... Right?

You can aim for better than that. There's no reason why your life can't be as happy and productive as anyone else's.

It's encouraging that you've identified a problem in the way you're thinking. It's no wonder you're unhappy if you assume everything people say must be something negative about you. I wouldn't be surprised if, after you've drilled down that large list of issues you have with your life, you find that there's one or two basic causes which lie at the root of all your problems. Makes it a lot more manageable to address, right?

It will probably be the hardest thing you ever do, pulling yourself out of this depression. It certainly was for me. But it will also be by far the most worthwhile and rewarding thing you ever do. Everything else you ever achieve in life, every happy moment, every great thing that happens to you - of which I assure you there can and will be many - will be as a direct result of what you manage to do here and now. And if you can take control of your life in such a confident fashion, then you'll be surprised at what else you can do too. You might even find you end up with more self-confidence than other people around you.

PS. I'm not surprised your job drives you to despair. I do telesales for a profession, and have done for years, the only reason I do it is for the money as it pays very well when you get away from the call centres. If I had to read off a script and talk to residential customers instead of businesses, I couldn't stick at it either. If it paid no better than some shitty admin job I'd do that instead.

Still, for the purposes of understanding yourself, I would ask yourself "why" you hate your job. And then ask "why" several more times to that. Is one of the reasons, perhaps, that the shit people sometimes give you over the phone reinforces your negative feelings about yourself?

 

[Warped]

this just in, our lives suck but we keep living and guess what....lifes worth living because no matter how much you think it could get worse, someone else out there is 10 times worse off than you are and thinking the same thing. plus you really don't know whats after life and being a pile of bacteria and organisms is not appealing in the foreseeable future. if you're gunna kill yourself go to your local drug dealer, shoot his face off and give the money to someone who deserves it. at least your life won't be looked on that badly

 

[repiV]

this just in, our lives suck but we keep living and guess what....lifes worth living because no matter how much you think it could get worse, someone else out there is 10 times worse off than you are and thinking the same thing. plus you really don't know whats after life and being a pile of bacteria and organisms is not appealing in the foreseeable future. if you're gunna kill yourself go to your local drug dealer, shoot his face off and give the money to someone who deserves it. at least your life won't be looked on that badly

Why should anyone have to settle for a life that's slightly less shit than the next person's?

There is no virtue in enduring. Any fool can endure. Virtue lies in changing those aspects of your life which make you unhappy and putting in place the things that will make you happy.

Having a shit life but being able to look down on someone else doesn't make life worth living at all. The gift of free will, and using that wisely to be able to make your life in your image, is what makes life worth living. Life shouldn't be a chore, it should be a joy. If it's a chore, then there's something wrong with your life and you're wasting those precious years.

I'm sorry but I think your advice is really bad.

 

[VirusType2]

Hey, if you get a hepatitis shot, can you get sick from it? Thats what ruined my day today. I can see into the future, and I'm predicting that the rest of my week will be total shit. Not tragic, but bad.

Depends. There is no vaccine for most of the Hepatitis types, so maybe they just injected you with a liver eating disease.

Good luck.

 

[Evo]

I'm not sure what advice I can give Stiggy, but I think repiV has some very good advice for you. I hope thing work out soon for you mate.

 

[Atomic_Piggy]

Dude, I want to give you a hug.

 

[Tyguy]

ya know, it took me a long time to realize that some people just have it a lot easier in life. there's not a ton you can do for some stuff like allergies, asthma, mental issues (besides meds) but acceptance is the real solution. i don't know if this is the case for you, you may very well just be in a funk but for me there are quite a few things that i hate about myself that i can never change (unless modern medicine becomes a bit more modern).

i never told anyone this but i used to be at the point where i'd think of ways i wanted to die on a daily basis. i even overdosed on klonopin one night and mixed it with alcohol because at that point in time i couldn't imagine ever being happy again. to be honest, i'm still kind of unhappy with many things but i just have to get over them. whether it be drugs or cognitive behavioral therapy, something has to give at some point in the near future.

repiv has it right, follow his advice. find what you want out of life and pursue it. you don't want to be middle aged and have too many regrets.

and wear sunscreen

 

[Raziaar]

i never told anyone this but i used to be at the point where i'd think of ways i wanted to die on a daily basis. i even overdosed on klonopin one night and mixed it with alcohol because at that point in time i couldn't imagine ever being happy again. to be honest, i'm still kind of unhappy with many things but i just have to get over them. whether it be drugs or cognitive behavioral therapy, something has to give at some point in the near future.

I can't remember the last time I've been happy. Have thought about suicide often, but am far too much of a pussy to ever try it. Not that that is a sign of weakness though.

 

[Tyguy]

I can't remember the last time I've been happy. Have thought about suicide often, but am far too much of a pussy to ever try it. Not that that is a sign of weakness though.

"some men are born great, some achieve greatness, and some get it as a graduation gift..."

sometimes i think about the short story Harrison Bergeron and think to myself "what a great idea!" It's a good read if anyone is interested.

 

[Stigmata]

You can aim for better than that. There's no reason why your life can't be as happy and productive as anyone else's.

Heh, I'm aiming for "better than that", I just think it's better for me to start with a realistic goal than to expect to be fixed in one fell swoop. If I can make myself happy some of the time, that's an enormous step in the right direction, and it will help keep me going.

It's encouraging that you've identified a problem in the way you're thinking. It's no wonder you're unhappy if you assume everything people say must be something negative about you. I wouldn't be surprised if, after you've drilled down that large list of issues you have with your life, you find that there's one or two basic causes which lie at the root of all your problems. Makes it a lot more manageable to address, right?

It will probably be the hardest thing you ever do, pulling yourself out of this depression. It certainly was for me. But it will also be by far the most worthwhile and rewarding thing you ever do. Everything else you ever achieve in life, every happy moment, every great thing that happens to you - of which I assure you there can and will be many - will be as a direct result of what you manage to do here and now. And if you can take control of your life in such a confident fashion, then you'll be surprised at what else you can do too. You might even find you end up with more self-confidence than other people around you.

PS. I'm not surprised your job drives you to despair. I do telesales for a profession, and have done for years, the only reason I do it is for the money as it pays very well when you get away from the call centres. If I had to read off a script and talk to residential customers instead of businesses, I couldn't stick at it either. If it paid no better than some shitty admin job I'd do that instead.

Still, for the purposes of understanding yourself, I would ask yourself "why" you hate your job. And then ask "why" several more times to that. Is one of the reasons, perhaps, that the shit people sometimes give you over the phone reinforces your negative feelings about yourself?

As far as I've determined, the biggest reason that I hate my job is that I can't think. I have enough trouble as it is trying to keep my thoughts in line, with my constant worrying, weighing of probabilities, and songs endlessly looping through my head, and not/rarely having time to finish a conscious thought leaves me with nothing but chaos.

I really hope I can find a new job soon. I saw a help wanted sign last week as I biked to work, so I think I might apply there. It's probably for a dishwasher position, but I've worked that before, and I have to say I slightly prefer it over telesurveys.

 

[Raziaar]

Heh, I'm aiming for "better than that", I just think it's better for me to start with a realistic goal than to expect to be fixed in one fell swoop. If I can make myself happy some of the time, that's an enormous step in the right direction, and it will help keep me going.


As far as I've determined, the biggest reason that I hate my job is that I can't think. I have enough trouble as it is trying to keep my thoughts in line, with my constant worrying, weighing of probabilities, and songs endlessly looping through my head, and not/rarely having time to finish a conscious thought leaves me with nothing but chaos.

I really hope I can find a new job soon. I saw a help wanted sign last week as I biked to work, so I think I might apply there. It's probably for a dishwasher position, but I've worked that before, and I have to say I slightly prefer it over telesurveys.

Definitely pursue that new job. As I said in my other post, the type of job you have doesn't allow you to think. It turns you into a scripted robot.

 

[Azner]

Deathsquad assemble.
We're heading to Canada. Hang in there Bell A Rose.

MSN me.

 

[VirusType2]

As far as I've determined, the biggest reason that I hate my job is that I can't think.

Funny shit. As soon as I saw this, I thought 'dishwasher'. I did dishes for 2 years at Ruby Tuesdays and for about 6 months at Perkins. Sometimes they were really busy, but for the most part, I absolutely loved these jobs.

You can sit there and think all day long. Most stress free job I've had. It's not like being a cook, that shit sucks. It's ****ing greasy and hot, and there is massive pressure on you.

The dishwasher has it made. Girls come there to drop off plates and talk to you. It's much cooler. Hell I used to smoke pot and blow it up the steam vent. (don't do this)

And I was young at the time, and there were some extremely attractive waitresses working there that really helped make me want to go to work.

I really hope I can find a new job soon. I saw a help wanted sign last week as I biked to work, so I think I might apply there. It's probably for a dishwasher position, but I've worked that before, and I have to say I slightly prefer it over telesurveys.

You got it.

 

[Sheepo]

Virus is so right.

 

[Danimal]

Virus' work tales puts a metaphorical bean in the "VirusType is a Mad ****" jar.

 

[Dinkleberry]

Sounds like you could do with some time off to deal with this. I hear psych hospitals are pretty scary places, would that be the only place you could go? I imagine they'd want to medicate you heavily too.

How much have you investigated the different types of antidepressants? Zoloft is one of many, and if you're stuck perhaps another might be worth trying...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antidepressant#Types_of_Antidepressants

There's probably many success and failure stories associated with every single one, but i've read that the withdrawl from Paxil can be quite nasty.

Were you told that the tablets are only to get you back on your feet, and should be only part of a treatment plan (e.g. along with therapy)?

 

[repiV]

Heh, I'm aiming for "better than that", I just think it's better for me to start with a realistic goal than to expect to be fixed in one fell swoop. If I can make myself happy some of the time, that's an enormous step in the right direction, and it will help keep me going.

I think the trick is to come up with a plan of action that's going to work through smaller goals towards the big goals and taking you on a clear path, keeping in mind that you need to be addressing the problem at its core in the first place - if your assessment of the initial problem isn't correct, all of the effort that follows will be wasted.

Personally I think you've won half the battle already, as you're clearly determined to do whatever it takes to sort things out and you're intelligent enough to be able to figure out what it is you need to do. Some people just want the attention and don't plan on ever actually acting on any of the advice they receive, happier just to wallow in their own self-pity. I wouldn't have bothered wasting my time if I thought you were just after attention, and I genuinely believe that with a guiding hand here and there you will get through this.

Just keep in mind that happiness is all about you and your attitude and perspective on life, rather than any particular external factors. The number of people in our society who sacrifice themselves at the altar of wealth and end up living meaningless, unsatisfying lives attests to that.

Have you had any luck in figuring out the root causes behind the issues you're having yet?

As far as I've determined, the biggest reason that I hate my job is that I can't think. I have enough trouble as it is trying to keep my thoughts in line, with my constant worrying, weighing of probabilities, and songs endlessly looping through my head, and not/rarely having time to finish a conscious thought leaves me with nothing but chaos.

I really hope I can find a new job soon. I saw a help wanted sign last week as I biked to work, so I think I might apply there. It's probably for a dishwasher position, but I've worked that before, and I have to say I slightly prefer it over telesurveys.

That sort of low-rent telemarketing is one of those jobs which isn't involved enough to be engaging, but it's too demanding to just switch off. It's undoubtedly shit in all aspects. I've done plenty of similar things before I ended up making a career out of telesales. If you have to use a script (what idiot popularised that idea, nobody has conversations in scripted form) and you don't get good commissions then it really is a totally thankless task. Especially calling residentially. People at work are supposed to take sales calls, it's part of their job...but at home it's just an invasion of privacy.