Any Red Dwarf Fans? (best quotes)

MrD

MrD

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Hi :)

I'm all in the Red Dwarf mood now because the Series 3 DVD is just out in the UK. I was wondering if anyone else here watches it, and what their favorite lines are ...

From "Kryten"

Rimmer talking about 3 skeleton woman who have clearly been dead for many many years. Kryten (who cares for the women and has gone a bit mad) comes back from making a pot of tea ...

Rimmer: "Their Dead!"
Kryten: "What?! All of them?"
Rimmer: "Yes!"
Kryten: *confused* "Bu I was only gone for a couple of minutes!!"

that cracks me up everytime!

Different episode, i forget which, some disaster looming ...

Rimmer: "I think its time we stepped up to red alert."
Kryten: "Are you sure sir? It does mean changing the bulb!"

ROFL.

Anyway... over to youz ...

:)
 
I can't believe there have been no responses to this! I'm a red dwarf fan in the UK, I watch it whenever I can but I only own a couple of series three videos (secondhand), mainly because i'm too much of a cheapscate to buy the DVD's!

Anyway, those are some funny quotes. Offhand, I can think of a couple:

Lister: The red, green and blue alert signs are all flashing. What the smeg does that mean?
Kryten: Well either we're under attack sir, or we're having a disco.

and:

'Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!' - Said by Rimmer shortly before the rest run off in the opposite direction.

Got any more?
 
<Kryten> "Sir, they've taken Mr Rimmer! SIR, THEY'VE TAKEN MR RIMMER!"
<Cat> "Quick let's get out of here before they bring him back!"
 
<Cat> "All in all, a 100% successful trip."
<Kryten> "Sir, we lost Mr Rimmer."
<Cat> "..... All in all, a 100% successful trip."
 
"Drop dead, Rimmer."
"Already have done."
"Encore." - Average conversation between Rimmer and Lister

"I'm not going to hang around watching you serve Chicken Chasseur in a stool bucket!" - Cat, disgusted at Lister's use of Hospital implements as cutlery.

"Fish!"
"Today's fish is Trout Al La Creme. Enjoy your meal!"
"Fish!"
"Today's fish is Trout Al La Creme. Enjoy your meal!"
"Fish!"
"Today's fish is Trout Al La Creme. Enjoy your meal!"
"Fish!"
"Today's fish is Trout Al La Creme. Enjoy your meal!"
"Fish!"
"Today's fish is Trout Al La Creme. Enjoy your meal!"
"Fish!"
"Today's fish is Trout Al La Creme. Enjoy your meal!"
"I will." - Cat discovers the food dispensers.

"This is my SHINY THING!" - Cat, proud of his new yoyo.

"This is mine, that is mine, aaaaaaaaalllllllll this is mine, this is mine, mine, mine, all of this is mine!"
<Sprays circle with urine atomiser>
"Except that bit. I don't want that bit." - Cat, marking his territory.

"I am not pished" - Lister claims to be totally sober.

"You're a Smmmeeeeee Heeeerrrrrrrr."
"A 'Smmmeee Heerrr'?"
"Yes. A complete and utter one." - Kryten explains to Rimmer that he is a Smeg Head.

"That's my penis, Archie." - Kryten, proud of his new organ (Made from a tube sock and part of a computer).

As you can see, I absolutely love this show.:E:E:E
 
Just thought of another. The episode 'Queeg' is one of my personal favorites, when Holly is replaced having gone computer senile. The backup computer 'Queeg' then puts the crew under a tyrannical regime, taking control of Rimmers hollogramatic body to get him fit, and refusing to feed the others unless they work. This conversation took place after Lister had worked all day, and just recieved his food:

(L=Lister, R=Rimmer)

L: "He's taking the smeg! Look at what he's given me for dinner: A pea, on toast. One pea! I tell you, i'm that far from cracking! [goes to eat the pea; it snaps away] I've lost me pea! Oh, that's it! I've cracked."

R: "He's just doing this to destroy your morale."

L: "Is he? Well, I want me pea back. It's my pea. I earned that pea. Where is it? I don't care if it's on the floor all covered in fluff, if it's under the bed with my toenail clippings, I don't care where it is -- it's my pea, I earned it, and I'm going to eat it no matter what!

R: "It flew off into your dirty sock basket."

L: "I'll just have the toast."


That cracks me up every time. It's much funnier seeing it than reading it. What's also funny is after Holly is supposedly deleted, he reveals that he was Queeg all along! Another of Holly's April Fools that I find funny is:

(H=Holly, L=Lister)

H: "Busy, Dave?"
L: "Well, yeah. I am, actually."
H: "Oh, then you won't want to know about the two super-light-speed fighters that are tracking us."
L: "What?!"
H: "I'll leave you to your bubble blowing, mate."
L: "No, Hol, come on, come on."
H: "They're from Earth."
L: "Three million years away?"
H: "They're from the NorWEB federation."
L: "What's that?"
H: "The North Western Electricity Board. They want you, Dave."
L: "Me? Why? What for?"
H: "For your crimes against humanity."
L: "You what!"
H: "It seems when you left Earth three million years ago, you left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen."
L: "Did I?"
H: "You know what happens to sausages left unattended for three million years?"
L: "Yeah. They go all mouldy."
H: "Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eighths of the Earth's surface. Also you left seventeen pounds, fifty pence in a bank account. Thanks to compound interest you now own ninety-eight percent of all the world's wealth, but since you've hoarded it for three million years nobody's got any money except for you and NorWEB."
L: "Why NorWEB? "
H: "You left a light on in the bathroom. I've got a final demand here for one hundred and eighty billion pounds."
L: "A hundred and eighty billion pounds! You're kidding!"
H: "April fool."
L: "But it's not April."
H: "Yeah, I know, but I could hardly wait six months with a red-hot jape like that under my belt."


Oh well, better stop laughing and leave the thread open for someone else. Great, I can't get any work done now!
 
ROFL!!!! Some good quotes!!

Originally posted by jabberwock95
mainly because i'm too much of a cheapscate to buy the DVD's!

Got any more?
Click to expand...

They're only £20 a series!!! Complete bargain :)

Anyway, I remembered one of my favorites from "Tikka To Ride". The crew are all round a fire, eating barbequed chicken prepare by Kryten ...

Lister: "This chicken is good!"
(various agreements)
Kryten: "Thats not chiken sirs, its that dead man we found!"

Also there is an episode called Future Echoes which has a brilliant out-of-sync exchange between Rimmer and Lister. Can't remember the dialog :/
 
"Who's that dude?"
"What? Oh, that's the only picture I've got of me father."
"He's your father? No wonder you're so ugly."
"What? No, that's 'is dog, Hammer."
"Dog? What's a Dog?"
<Not sure what goes here. Could be "It's a kind of pet.">
"Ewwwww. Uuugllleeeee"
"Go and get packed."
"Listen, this, er, Dog, he'd better not be around here anyplace, 'cos if he is, I may have to eat him."
"Oh, yeah? D' y'know how big they are? They're about eighteen foot long, and they've got teeth as big... as big as your leg."
<Worried>"Oh? W-well, I may have to eat him anyway."
<Cat backs out, bumps against the door frame, gasps and checks behind himself>
 
I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000, the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.

Lister: What does it feel like?
Rimmer: Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans.

Lister: The red, green and blue alert signs are all flashing. What the smeg does that mean?
Kryten: Well either we're under attack sir, or we're having a disco.

Cat: "Forget red - let's go all the way up to brown alert!"
Kryten: "There's no such thing as a brown alert sir."
Cat: "You won't be saying that in a minute!"
 
Hehe, found that bit in future echoes. This happens after a very strange conversation between lister and rimmer, in which rimmer is clearly talking a load of nonsense and is not part of lister's conversation. Rimmer walks out one side of the room, and almost immediately in the other side ...

a small dialog, then ...

LISTER: Rimmer, you've just come in and said exactly these things.
RIMMER: What things?
LISTER: You said that!
RIMMER: I said *what*?
LISTER: And that! You said that!
RIMMER: You're space crazy!

LISTER: And then you said, "Well it probably is deja vu."
RIMMER: Well, it probably is deja vu! It sounds like it.
LISTER: Well, go on then. Shake your head and walk out.

rimmer shakes his head and walks out!

classic
 
Originally posted by MrD

They're only £20 a series!!! Complete bargain :)

Anyway, I remembered one of my favorites from "Tikka To Ride". The crew are all round a fire, eating barbequed chicken prepare by Kryten ...

Lister: "This chicken is good!"
(various agreements)
Kryten: "Thats not chiken sirs, its that dead man we found!"

Also there is an episode called Future Echoes which has a brilliant out-of-sync exchange between Rimmer and Lister. Can't remember the dialog :/
Click to expand...

L: Rimmer, we've broken the light barrier...
R: What?
L: We're going faster than the speed of light!
R: How did I do what?
L: What d'you mean 'How did I do what'?
R: Lister, don't be a gimboid.
L: I'm not being a gimboid.
R: How could I? I've just been in the library, thinking. Anyway, I've decided... Shut up! As I was saying, before I was rudely interupted, when you go into stasis I want to stay behind.
L: Are you alright Rimmer?
R: What things?
L: Eh?
R: I said what?
L: Whats going on?
R: You're space crazy.
L: I'm space crazy! You're the one who's space crazy.
R: Well it probably is deja vu. Sounds like it.

[Rimmer walks out of one door, and simultaniously walks in another]

L: Rimmer! You just walked out that door.
R: What?
L: How did you do that?
R: How did I do what?
L: Rimmer, you just went out that door!
R: Lister, don't be a gimboid.
L: Look, I swear, you just walked out that door!
R: How could I? I've just been in the library, thinking. Anyway, I've decided...
L: Rimmer, i'm telling you...
R: Shut up! As I was saying, before I was rudely interupted, when you go into stasis I want to stay behind.
L: Rimmer, you just said exactly these things!
R: What things?
L: You said that!
R: I said what?
L: You said that too.
R: You're space crazy.
L: Yes! Then you said it was probably deja vu.
R: Well it probably is deja vu. Sounds like it.

[Rimmer walks out]

Good or what! I may be a cheapscate, but I have the book!
 
Originally posted by MrD
Hehe, found that bit in future echoes. This happens after a very strange conversation between lister and rimmer, in which rimmer is clearly talking a load of nonsense and is not part of lister's conversation. Rimmer walks out one side of the room, and almost immediately in the other side ...

a small dialog, then ...

LISTER: Rimmer, you've just come in and said exactly these things.
RIMMER: What things?
LISTER: You said that!
RIMMER: I said *what*?
LISTER: And that! You said that!
RIMMER: You're space crazy!

LISTER: And then you said, "Well it probably is deja vu."
RIMMER: Well, it probably is deja vu! It sounds like it.
LISTER: Well, go on then. Shake your head and walk out.

rimmer shakes his head and walks out!

classic
Click to expand...

Or, if you want the long version (*me is anal):

"Yo, Rimmer, we've broken the light barrier -"
"What?"
"We're going faster than the speed of light!"
"How did I do what?"
"What d'you mean "How did I do what?"?"
"Lister, don't be a gimboid."
"I'm not being a gimboid."
"How could I? I've just been in the library, thinking. And I've decided... Shut up!"
<Rimmer turns away from Lister, apparently now talking to someone invisible>
"As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted: I've decided when you go into stasis I want to be left on. I want to stay behind."
"Are you all right, Rimmer?"
"What things?"
"Eh?"
"I said what?"
"What's going on?"
"You're space crazy."
"I'm space crazy? You're the one who's -"<Lister waves his hand in front of Rimmer's eyes. Rimmer doesn't notice.>"- space crazy!"
"Well, it probably is deja vu. Sounds like it."
<Rimmer shakes his head, exits left, and an identical Rimmer enters right.>
"Rimmer! You just this second walked out of that door!"
"What?"
"How did you do that?"
"How did I do what?"
"Rimmer, you just went out of that door, and you've come in through this one!"
"Lister, don't be a gimboid."
"Look, I swear on my Grandmothers life, as you walked out of that door, you came in this one!"
"How could I? I've just been in the library, thinking. And I've decided- "
"Rimmer! I'm telling you -"
<Lister moves across to other side of room.>
"Shut up!"
<Rimmer turns to face Lister.>
"As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted: I've decided when you go into stasis I want to be left on. I want to stay behind."
"Rimmer - you've just been in and said exactly these things!"
"What things?"
"You said that!"
"I said what?"
"And that! You said that too."
"You're space crazy."
"Yes. And then you said, "Well it's probably deja vu."."
"Well, it probably is deja vu. Sounds like it."
"Well go on then. Shake your head and walk out."
<Rimmer does so.>


Now why did I type all that?

EDIT: God damn, jabberwock95, beat me to it. Mine's better, though:P. Though it is a mishmash of text from the novel and memories of the TV show.
 
Thats the one! Fantasic :) That whole scene is just perfect, absolutely perfect! Sorry for hogging this thread with endless supplies of quotes but I absolutely love this show!

From "Casandra" (one of my fave episodes):

COMPUTER
Good evening, Arnold. I've been looking forward to your arrival so very
much.

RIMMER
How do you know my name?

COMPUTER ("cassandra")
My name is Cassandra. I am a computer with the ability to predict the
future with an accuracy rating of 100%.
Bless you.

RIMMER
'Bless you'? What do you mean 'bless you'?

[RIMMER abruptly sneezes]

... later ...

CASSANDRA
"But how does it work? The future's not 'appened yet".

LISTER
...I'm not gonna say that.

CASSANDRA
I never said you would.

LISTER
But how *does* it work? The future's not 'appened yet.

... ROFL! later still ...

CASSANDRA
Kryten, this is where you share your theory with your crew-mates.

KRYTEN
I have a theory, everyone. The Silverburg didn't crash, did it, Cassandra?
The ship was sent here by the Space Corps. on auto-pilot to get rid of you;
to abandon you at the bottom of a lunar sea, in the depths of Deep Space.

CAT
That's brilliant, bud! How'd you work that out?

KRYTEN
I read it on this mission directive, here.

... finally ...

RIMMER
We, um, should be making tracks.

CASSANDRA
I'm afraid that that's not going to happen. The bulkhead's just given away
and we're shipping water at a thousand gallons a second. All the Canaries
will be dead within one hour, except for Rimmer -

RIMMER
Yes!

CASSANDRA
- Who will be dead in 20 minutes. Only Lister, Kryten, the Cat and
Kochanski survive.

LOL! genius :)
 
Sorry, just had to post this one. Anyone seen the episode 'Backwards'? The gang all return to an earth where everything is backwards, including the way people talk. When they are being thrown out of a club because nobody likes their act, the owner points at them and yells a load of backwards-talk. This is what he really said to kryten:


'You're a stupid, square headed, bald git, aren't you? I pointed at you, yes, I pointed at you, but I'm not actually addressing you, I'm addressing the one prat in the country who's gotten a hold of this recording, turned it around, and actually worked out the rubbish I'm saying! What a poor, sad life he's got! Frankly, your act's crap. Anyway, anybody could have done it, I hate the lot of you! Bollocks to you!' - Club Owner

Just another example of red dwarf wisdom. BTW, I just found it on the net, shame on the person who actually worked it out!
 
ROFLMSO

Rimmer, in that episode: "Flobba-Dob, Blib-Blob Bleeb!" (To a backwards woman)
 
I just remember something about the fellow being all despondent, commiserating to the toaster, which could only comfort him psychologically, after all, with "Well how 'bout a nice slice of toast?"
 
Originally posted by Solidarnosi
I just remember something about the fellow being all despondent, commiserating to the toaster, which could only comfort him psychologically, after all, with "Well how 'bout a nice slice of toast?"
Click to expand...

LOL! Don't think I've seen that one.

Well, I guess I will eventually, now that I have started to collect them all :D
 
It's not a quote, but one of the funniest moments in Red Dwarf (or one of the funniest things I've ever seen, for that matter). In Series 3, Episode 4: 'Mindswap', when they have to swap Lister's mind with a high ranking officer of Red Dwarf to prevent the self destruct system:

KRYTEN swaps his right temple with a cotton ball and then inserts the
needle. As it sucks out LISTER's mind his face takes on a more vacant
expression until he is completely cross eyed and his tongue sits rather
stupidly almost out of his mouth. KRYTEN presses some keys on a
keyboard, storing LISTER's mind onto a storage medium.

KRYTEN: Keep that safe -- it's Lister's mind.

He hands the small cassette to CAT. As they are all looking at it CAT
drops it into a mug of coffee. RIMMER recoils very quickly. CAT,
looking most apologetic, but not quite managing to hide an evil smirk,
removes the cassette from his coffee and slinks off.

:laugh:
 
Its not as good as the point a few minutes later when the self destruct countdown finishes they all brace themselves to be blown up and a toffe crisp and a miklshake pop out of the food dispenser and they all look around ad go wha...

The best bit of all red dwarf if from holoship it can't really be told as it's the look on lister and the cats faces when krytem delcares to rimmer going of to a ship where he will be forced to have sex with beautiful women twice daily on demand is just a little bit tacky.
 
Lister: Ah, if you'd said it wouldn't have been a suprise would it?
Kryten: Exactly, it would have been about as suprising as an episode of 'Tales of the unexpected'.
Lister:....
Kryten: You know, the old channel 72 show.
Lister:...
Kryten: It was.... everyone.... nevermind.
 
In other news, historians have found a piece of paper which could be the first page of the bible. It reads 'To my darling candy, all characters and situations portrayed in this book are ficticous, and hold no similarities to people living or dead.....'

Not the complete quote, but damn funny none the less....

Holly: I am the smartest machine in the world, ask me any mind bening question and I can answer it!
Toaster: Ok, I'm going to aslk you a question that will rack your very mind....would you like a waffle?

Again, not properly quoted, but meh.

Lister: 3 million years!!!!!! I've still got that library book...
 
Can't believe no one's quoted this corker :

<Holly> "I've hacked into the ships mainframe. Got hold of the cargo list. There's stuff in there that would make your hair stand on end."

<Lister> "What stuff, Hol?"

<Holly> "Brill Cream, it's called."
 
Or when Red Dwarf is re-created by the nanobots but it's about 20x bigger. They're piloting starbug down the airvent and fly up a rats rectum.

<cut to scene of flying rat with starbugs engines up it's butt>

<Holly> "Better hope we don't bump into any cops. They don't like it when you're rat arsed."
 
Hehe...

Holly: Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database! Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil. Repeat: This is _not_ a daffodil!
Rimmer: Well, thankfully Holly's unaffected!
 
Rimmer: We can't afford to take any chances. Jump up to red alert.
Kryten: Are you sure, sir? It does mean changing the bulb
 
ROFL!!! There are so many good quotes :)

Originally posted by Fat Tony!
"Beer milkshake please"
Click to expand...

more complete ...

Lister: "Good morning"
Machine: "Good morning what would you like?"
Lister: "Um, ... Vindaloo! ... and, um ... Milkshake"
Machine: "What flavour?"
Lister: "Um... Beer!"

And another corker ...

Lister explaining when he lost his virginity on a gold course:

Rimmer: "How old were you?"
Lister: "... and she stood in front of me and took all her clothes off!"
Rimmer: "How old were you?"
Lister: "I was so excited I nearly dropped my scateboard."
Rimmer: "Scateboard!! How old were you?!"
Lister: "Twelve"
Rimmer: "Twelve! ... TWELVE?!!!"
*rimmer thinks for a second*
Rimmer: "Well you can't have been a full member of the golf course then?!"

LMAO!!!
 
Originally posted by MrD
Lister explaining when he lost his virginity on a gold course:

Rimmer: "How old were you?"
Lister: "... and she stood in front of me and took all her clothes off!"
Rimmer: "How old were you?"
Lister: "I was so excited I nearly dropped my scateboard."
Rimmer: "Scateboard!! How old were you?!"
Lister: "Twelve"
Rimmer: "Twelve! ... TWELVE?!!!"
*rimmer thinks for a second*
Rimmer: "Well you can't have been a full member of the golf course then?!"

LMAO!!!
Click to expand...

golf course.

That was one of my fav. episodes ever, the dialogs between Lister and Rimmer were excelent.
 
Ahh... Red Dwarf.
My favorite character is Ace Rimmer (copy and paste the URL).
Here's a site with a bunch of Ace Rimmer dialogue in zip files.


ACE: Smoke me a kipper. I'll be back for breakfast.


ACE: I'm sorry, Bongo, I'm strictly butter-side up.


ACE: He's looking so geeky, I don't think he could get into a sci-fi convention!


KRYTEN: So, what have you been up to, sir?
ACE: Nothing special. Saved a couple of universes, overthrown a few dictatorships, turned down a heapful of marriage proposals, and had my highlights done.


LISTER: But Rimmer, he asked for you. He obviously feels some sort of bond.
RIMMER: The only 'bonding' I want to do with him involves a tube of superglue and a rabid hamster!


ACE: The universe needs a chap to look up to. Someone to right wrongs, just generally be brave, handsome and all-round magnificent.


LISTER: I'm gonna use my brains for the first time in my life.
KRYTEN: Considering the circumstances, sir, do you really believe that's wise?


CAT: I'm so excited all six of my nipples are tingling!


RIMMER: Mr. Flibble (a sock puppet) says, "Game over boys!"


RIMMER: You disgusting, rotting, fetid piece of congealed monkey vomit.


RIMMER: You're about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican.


RIMMER: If there is one thing I can't stand it's crazy people.
LISTER: Well we've passed the test, Rimmer. You can let us out.
RIMMER: I can't let you out.
LISTER: Why not?
RIMMER: Because the King of the Potato People won't let me. I begged him. I got down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you here. Keep you here for ten years.
CAT: Could we see him?
RIMMER: See who?
CAT: The King.
RIMMER: Do you have a magic carpet?
LISTER: Yeah, a little three-seater.
RIMMER: So, let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you are completely sane?! I think that warrants 2 hours of W.O.O.
LISTER: What's W.O.O?
CAT: You had to ask.
RIMMER: With ... out ... oxygen. No oxygen for 2 hours. That will teach you to be bread baskets.


RIMMER: Look, I'm not much good at big speeches, and I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on with. And I know that, given the choice, I probably wouldn't have chosen you as friends. But, I just want to say ... that over the years, ... I have come to regard you ... as ... people ... I met.


KRYTEN: Excuse me, could I just distract you for a brief second?


LISTER: Computer senility. Such a weird condition.
KRYTEN: I know. I had a mechanoid friend once who suffered from the same affliction. His name was Gilbert, but he preferred it if people called him "Rameses Niblick the Third, Kerplunk Kerplunk, Whoops, Where's My Thribble." A sad case.


RIMMER: Those kind of films really irritate me. Just not realistic. There isn't a man in the universe who wouldn't have taken the job and to hell with the woman. Total baloney.
LISTER: Rimmer, you said that about "King of Kings -- the story of Jesus!"
RIMMER: Well, it's true! A simple carpenter's son who learns how to do magic tricks like that and doesn't go into show-business? Do any of us believe that, even for a second?
LISTER: He was supposed to be the Son of God.
RIMMER: And when he was carrying that cross up the hill, any normal realistic bloke would have mule-kicked the guy on the left, clobbered the one on the right, and been over that green hill and far away before you could say "Pontius Pilate."
LISTER: Why do I feel that somehow you've missed the point?


CAT: What? Am I the only sane one here? Why don't we drop the defensive shields?
KRYTEN: A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws. One, we don't have any defensive shields, and two, we don't have any defensive shields. Now I realise that, technically speaking, that's only one flaw but I thought it was such a big one it was worth mentioning twice.


KOCHANSKI: Have you ever listened to those clapped-out old pipes? 'Nureek'ing and 'retut'ing, and just when you expect them to 'nureek' again, they 'squrlookal'! It's enough to make a perfectly sane person crazy!!!
KRYTEN: It's quite amazing, the number of people those pipes have driven to the very brink of psychosis. Mr Lister spent the night in there once, and he ended up trying to suffocate himself to death with an onion sandwich.


KRYTEN: But the entire ship is running on emergency battery power only. With the oxygen recycler and minimal heating and lighting, I estimate that Lister and the Cat have approximately two months left. Without your drain on the power, they might last six. I'm sorry, Sir.
RIMMER: Sorry? Why are you sorry?
KRYTEN: Well, Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a hologrammatic crewmember must lay down his life in order that the living crewmembers might survive.
RIMMER: Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance you metal bastard."


LISTER: I suppose you're gonna blame me for all of this, aren't you?
KRYTEN: Yes, I am. Without your lessons -- without your bananas and your movies and your aardvarks -- none of this could have happened. You're a complete and total smeghead.
LISTER: Brutal, Kryten! You just insulted me!
KRYTEN: Yes; I can lie, cheat, AND be offensive now.
LISTER: Kryten, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.


HOLLY: We have 3 realistic alternatives: (1) Sit here and get blown up, (2) Stand here and get blown up, (3) Jump up and down, shout at me for not being able to think of anything, then get blown up.


RIMMER: No, not entirely useless. Think of the famous people we could meet, the famous places we could go.
KRYTEN: We could go back to Dallas, in November 1963, stand on the grassy knoll and shout "Duck!" ... Oh, I'm sorry, I must have bypassed my "Good Taste" chip!


LISTER: There's got to be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using a rope weaved from strands of this hessian, rip up a kind of a pulley system so that when a guard comes in, using it as a trip wire, gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords, and fight our way back to the 'bug.'
KRYTEN: Or we could use the teleporter.


LISTER: Hey, it hasn't happened, has it? It has "will have going to have happened" happened, but it hasn't actually "happened" happened yet, actually.
RIMMER: Poppycock! It will be happened; it shall be going to be happening; it will be was an event that could will have been taken place in the future. Simple as that. Your bucket's been kicked, baby.


LISTER: Yeah, but surely we can use the Time Drive if we're careful? You know, if we don't abuse it the way our future selves did? You know, if we're sensible and mature.
RIMMER: And do what?
LISTER: Go back in time to an Indian take-away and order 500 curries.


RIMMER: We can't afford to take any more chances. I say the Time Drive stays where it is.
CAT: You know I'd rather wear sideways-pressed flares and a clip-on polyester tie than agree with goalpost head, but this time he's right.
 
Originally posted by SLH
golf course.

That was one of my fav. episodes ever, the dialogs between Lister and Rimmer were excelent.
Click to expand...

LOL yeah, just remembered this bit as well, where Lister and Rimmer are discussing whats left to eat :

Rimmer: " ... some gum ointment, a pot-noodle... oh! and a tin of dog food."
Lister: "Well its obvious what gets eaten last then isn't it! ... I smegging hate pot-noodle!"

That episode was really good :)

ps. I wonder if CyberMan has left any quotes?
 
"I'm gonna eat you little Fishy,
I'm gonna eat you little Fishy,
I'm gonna eat you little Fishy,
'Cos I like eating fish!"
 
Cat: "dang, another year i have to send a valentine's card to my hand."
 
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