Blue Shift 2

Max35

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Chapter 1:

Barney Calhoun gazed anxiously out the small window of the large van carrying them quickly away from the Black Mesa site. He could see nothing but the barren desert and clouds of sand being blown by persistent winds. The sun was beginning to set, casting a mixture of purple and pink stripes across a light blue sky. "Is everything alright back there, Calhoun?". Dr. Rosenberg asked. "Yeah, just about to nod off, doc", Barney answered blandly. "Well, we should be across the border in a few hours, I'm not quite sure what we'll do then but...", a low, cracking voice interrupted them. "What's the point, the military will be hunting for us, we won't last a day". "I'm sure the military sees us as the least of their worries, Simmons", the driver up front answered. "Yes, Simmons, don't worry we are safe for the time being, and if we encounter any trouble, Calhoun will be able handle it".

Barney secretly rolled his eyes. So, my job is to be their protector?. What about me. Does it matter what I want?. I guess I owe them a debt, but how long will this go on?. He sat back and closed his eyes. Atleast the horror was over, for now, atleast. He was almost asleep until he heard a loud crash, suddenly the van flipped upside down, and he heard a horrified scream from beside him and a sickening crunching sound. For a moment he lay upside down, dazed, but then the door was forced open by two of the scientists and he was dragged out of the burning vehicle.

Once on his feet, he saw the cause of the wreckage. A long, metallic pod poked up from the ground, sizzling the area surrounding it. A few headcrabs swarmed its bleakly charred carapass and Barney instinctively pulled out his weapon. "No, Calhoun, there's no telling what else lies inside, we're better off leaving", Dr. Rosenberg said. "Where?, there's nothing but desert all around us". "I think I saw the highway up ahead, we are not far from it, perhaps we can get a lift", Rosenberg replied. "Doubtful, but what choice do we have?, this van is a twisted piece of sh*t, there's no way we can get it running. "Well, lets go, I'm afraid Simmons didn't make it. There's nothing we can do for him", Rosenberg's voice held a tinge of regret. Harold has gone up ahead, we better get going, Calhoun . Barney nodded and holstered his weapon.

edit: I've actually figured out most of the plot, but before I actually take the trouble to write it all out, I want to see if its worth continuing.
 
The first part is great but the end seemed a bit rushed was it?
 
its good but if that highway is "highway 17" you have to remember that they are supposed to travel from new mexico to some place in england i think
 
Sorry for it being so long without an update, and its a small one, but hopefully I'll get back on track now.

Chapter 2:


Dr. Rosenberg followed Barney Calhoun up the large, rocky incline. He paused every few moments to catch his breath, while his stalwart companion always remained several steps ahead of him, this was reminiscent of the days when they were trapped inside the doomed research facility known as Black Mesa, just thinking about it made him shudder. Once at the top of the incline, though, Barney stopped and looked at the endless stretch of highway, giving time for Dr. Rosenberg and his colleague to catch up to him. “Any sign of civilization, Calhoun?”, Dr. Rosenberg asked. “Well-”, before Barney could answer completely something came barreling down the highway, slowing as it approached.

A flashing red, beat-up monstrosity of a vehicle which seemed to have sprung from hell itself, slowed to a complete halt. But what was in its front seat offered a complete contrast, except for the flaming red hair that seemed to offer an exact match to the vehicle’s carapace. “You three in need of a ride?”, she said. “Uh-”, Calhoun stuttered. “That would do nicely, come Harold, there’s no time to waste”, Dr. Rosenberg said. “It would seem now that we have all the time in the world”, Harold finished ominously before climbing into the backseat. Barney jumped awkwardly into the front seat. “The name’s Maya”. “Barney”. She smiled “Really?, well where are you guys headed, it doesn’t really matter, I’m really not going in any particular direction, that takes all the excitement out of it”, she smiled at him again.

“I’d say we’re as lost as you, then”, Calhoun said. “Things work out for a reason I guess”, she commented, and it was during that moment he noticed a cross hanging from her neck. She noticed his glance. “Don’t worry, I find God more of friend I confide in, not a tree I can hide behind”, she said, her voice remaining defenseless. Barney nodded, brushing his violently blowing hair out of his eyes as they traveled quickly down the endless highway. “Hey, whatever helps you get by”. Maya gave him a sharp glance, and Calhoun realized the condescending tone in his words. “I didn’t mean-”, he started, but Maya interrupted him. “That’s alright, no harm done”, she replied blandly.

For awhile they traveled in an uncomfortable silence, while Barney listened to the incessant droning of Dr. Rosenberg and Harold. Something about Dark Matter, teleport wormholes, the last thing he heard was something about an “ infinite time lapse” before he finally nodded off to sleep.
 
Interesting. I would like to hear more.

Only one mild criticism: You should start a new paragraph each time someone new speaks. Also, you are missing several quotation marks at the end of the first chapter. Sorry, I guess that's two. Just don't forget to proofread carefully.

Otherwise, good descriptions. I would like to see where you're headed with this.
 
Anymore comments?, I know its kinda short, but Chapter 3 will be much longer.
 
Actually, I've been working on other projects since then, have hardly touched it at all, until a few days ago. Thanks for the constructive comments, ahem.
 
yeh, its not bad, certainly u'll want to go somewhere quickly with this story if u want to keep your readers interested. state a objective or mission that they have to complete, eg: find a new base of operation or sumthing.

plus, make sure u space out sentences and try make them more ideal to those that are speaking them. eg: Barney may say Shit but rosenberg certainly wont.
 
bboymatty said:
yeh, its not bad, certainly u'll want to go somewhere quickly with this story if u want to keep your readers interested. state a objective or mission that they have to complete, eg: find a new base of operation or sumthing.

plus, make sure u space out sentences and try make them more ideal to those that are speaking them. eg: Barney may say Shit but rosenberg certainly wont.

rosenberg didn't say that, it was Calhoun's reply. Obviously bad editing on my part. Working on the third Chapter as we speak.
 
A couple of points
"small window of the large van" sounds clumsy. You could probably just say "the van".

Also, when is it meant to be set? From the intro, I'm guessing straight after Blue Shift? If that's the case, there's a couple of problems. One - Barney wouldn't really think of something as being "reminiscent of the days..." when thinking of events that had just happened hours before.
Another thing is, I assume you're talking about the headcrab rocket pods that we saw in HL2? I don't think there's really much chance that they would have been used straight after the Black Mesa incident...
 
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