Got any Jokes?

xcellerate · Apr 22, 2005

i'd like to read them.

Why do seaguls fly over the sea?

because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels!

boo! hiss!

that's pretty much my only non-racial joke...so i need more. I'm really looking for any -funny- white jokes. (i'm white, and tired of black jokes)

Garfield_ · Apr 22, 2005

Haha that one was good

SimonomiS · Apr 22, 2005

Your dads so fat he has to use a boomerang to get his belt on.
:|

jondy · Apr 22, 2005

Bloke walks to the top of a restaurant, and orders a double JD and coke. Barman serves him, and the bloke promptly downs it, and throws himself outof the window.

As people congregate around the broken glass, said guy walks through the doors and orders another JD and coke. He drinks it, pushes through the crowd of people peering around the smashed window, and plummets downward for the second time.

As he enters the restaurant for the third time, the barman approaches.

'how did you survive that mate?' to which the man replies:-

'after my drink, I simply throw myself out the window and float down to the ground'

The barman shouts, '**** this', pours himself the same drink, and throws himself out the same window. There is a resounding thud as his body hits the hard concrete below.

The original bloke is laughing his head off, when another man walks over, slaps him, and says,

'Superman, you're a bastard when you're drunk'

jimbo118 · Apr 22, 2005

whats long, hard and something women hate to see?

the ironing board

MarcoPollo · Apr 22, 2005

You are just asking to be bombarded with dead baby jokes....

Chris D · Apr 22, 2005

My jokes are all too inappropriate for this forum so I will pass

Hectic Glenn · Apr 22, 2005

I have one about a baby...but its not dead, so thats okay i think.

Whats funnier than spinning a baby round at 200mph on a washing line.

Stopping it with a shovel

Razor · Apr 22, 2005

Hectic Glenn said:
I have one about a baby...but its not dead, so thats okay i think.

Whats funnier than spinning a baby round at 200mph on a washing line.

Stopping it with a shovel

That was an awful joke and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Vegeta897 · Apr 22, 2005

Nice one Jondy.

More story jokes! Less stupid short punchy ones!

StardogChampion · Apr 22, 2005

A duck walks into a 7-11 and says "Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. The employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.

Greatgat · Apr 22, 2005

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

What do ZipLock bags and Eskimoes have in common?

They both like a tight seal.

SimonomiS · Apr 22, 2005

StardogChampion said:
A duck walks into a 7-11 and says "Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. The employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.

That reminds me.
A duck walks into a bar and goes "Have you got any grapes?", the barman says no. The next day he does this again, and the next, and the next. Then the barman gets fed up and yells "IF YOU ASK AGAIN ILL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE BAR!". Next day the duck comes in and this follows:
"Have you got any nails?"
"No."
"Have you got any grapes?"

Vegeta897 · Apr 22, 2005

But why does it have to be a duck?

SimonomiS · Apr 22, 2005

vegeta897 said:
But why does it have to be a duck?

Don't think it does, but thats how I was told the joke and I never bother changing it. It attracts the animal joke lovers?

A seal walks into a club.

*prepares to dodge thrown objects*

SLH · Apr 22, 2005

vegeta897 said:
But why does it have to be a duck?

So its beak could be nailed to the ground (ok it could be something else).

SLH · Apr 22, 2005

A seal walks into a cub.

"Sorry son" it says.

Some_God · Apr 23, 2005

A horse goes into a bar and sits for a drink. The bartender comes up and asks "Why the long face?"

Edcrab · Apr 23, 2005

A man walks into a library and cheerfully approaches the attendent.

"Double portion of fish 'n' chips please love."

The librarian is aghast. "Sir, this is a library."

The man is taken aback and quite embarrassed. "Oh, sorry... A double portion of fish 'n' chips, please."

Farrowlesparrow · Apr 23, 2005

Horse goes into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender comes up and asks "Why the lo- Oh sh** a talking horse!"

SLH · Apr 23, 2005

A horse goes into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.

The Bartender asks, "why the long face?".

The Horse replies "I'm the only talking horse."

Alternatively:

The horse replies "That's original"... "Everyone's a ****ing comedian!"

MarcoPollo · Apr 23, 2005

Ok so this guy walks into the bar and asks for a vodka. The bartender tells him they don't serve alchoholic drinks. Apparently the guy was a crazed alchoholic and needed his alchohol so he went on a murderous rampageand killed and mutalated the bartender and all the people inside.

SLH · Apr 23, 2005

:| :|

Ever thought of working behind a bar?

Greatgat · Apr 23, 2005

Why do I always cry after sex?

Because Mace really hurts.

Kebean PFC · Apr 23, 2005

This is a long one, but still funny...

A girl walks into confession....

"Father for I have sinned, I have called a boy a "Son Of a Bitch"

Father replies, "Why did you do that?"
"Well he grabbed my arm..."
"Like this?" Said the father grabbing her arm....
"Yeah yeah, that's it!!"
"Well that's no reason to call him a "Son of a Bitch"

"But he grabbed my breasts!"
"Like this?" said the father feeling her breasts.
"Yeah yeah, that's it!"
"Well that's no reason to call him a "Son of a bitch"

"But he took off my clothes!!"
"Like this?" Said the father stripping her naked.
"Yeah yeah, that's it!"
"Well that's no reason to call him a "Son of a Bitch"

"But he stuck his 'you know what' in my 'you know where'!"
"Like this?" Said the father demonstrating.....

----5 MINUTES LATER-----
"Yeah yeah, that's it!!"
"Well that's no reason to call him a "Son of a Bitch"
"But he has AIDs!"

"SON OF A BITCH!"

SLH · Apr 23, 2005

Why do the irish always ware two condoms?

To be sure, to be sure!

Farrowlesparrow · Apr 23, 2005

Greatgat said:
Why do I always cry after sex?

Because Mace really hurts.

Because you leave the melon in the microwave too long :O

MarcoPollo · Apr 23, 2005

SLH said:
Why do the irish always ware two condoms?

To be sure, to be sure!

Irish don't wear condoms......

anyways

Whats warm, smelly, and makes a scratching sound?

A crow in a microwave.

Greatgat · Apr 23, 2005

Farrowlesparrow said:
Because you leave the melon in the microwave too long :O

My terrible secret has been exposed!

Zeus · Apr 23, 2005

Your momma's drawer's are so dirty, the roaches check in but they don't check out.

Yo momma’s so fat that when she fell no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.

Yo momma's so stupid when yo daddy said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!

Yo momma's so stupid, that she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.

Your momma's so old, I told her to act her age and she died!

MarcoPollo · Apr 23, 2005

Your so poor, I wlaked in your front door, got muged by a rat and fell out the backdoor.

-Or-

Your so poor, that when I came into your house and lit a match, Your mom started singing "Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the lord cause we got heat!!!"

SLH · Apr 23, 2005

MarcoPollo said:
Irish don't wear condoms......

Bartenders always serve alcoholic drinks (as well as non-alcoholic ones).... what's your point?

jimbo118 · Apr 23, 2005

Kebean PFC said:
This is a long one, but still funny...

A girl walks into confession....

"Father for I have sinned, I have called a boy a "Son Of a Bitch"

Father replies, "Why did you do that?"
"Well he grabbed my arm..."
"Like this?" Said the father grabbing her arm....
"Yeah yeah, that's it!!"
"Well that's no reason to call him a "Son of a Bitch"

"But he grabbed my breasts!"
"Like this?" said the father feeling her breasts.
"Yeah yeah, that's it!"
"Well that's no reason to call him a "Son of a bitch"

"But he took off my clothes!!"
"Like this?" Said the father stripping her naked.
"Yeah yeah, that's it!"
"Well that's no reason to call him a "Son of a Bitch"

"But he stuck his 'you know what' in my 'you know where'!"
"Like this?" Said the father demonstrating.....

----5 MINUTES LATER-----
"Yeah yeah, that's it!!"
"Well that's no reason to call him a "Son of a Bitch"
"But he has AIDs!"

"SON OF A BITCH!"

wasnt this posted before in another joke thread?was it your post dude?

xcellerate · Apr 23, 2005

why did hitler shoot himself?

because he got the gas bill

Hazar · Apr 23, 2005

lol, some funny stuff in here

as for my contribution of non original material:

why are pirates called pirates?

because they ARRRRRRRR

TIIMMYY · Apr 23, 2005

Hazar said:
lol, some funny stuff in here

as for my contribution of non original material:

why are pirates called pirates?

because they ARRRRRRRR

..... Thats my joke! Now what am I gonna say......

Why couldnt the 12 year old get into the pirate movie?

'Cause it was ARRRRRRR rated!

Ranga · Apr 23, 2005

April 1st, 1999: A mother gives birth to a baby girl. The nurse picks the baby up, looks at her, and then starts banging the baby's head on the wall.

The mother screams, "What the hell are you doing to my baby???!!!"

"April fools! It was already dead."

BTW: Don't drink water. Fish f** in it.

jondy · Apr 23, 2005

Ranga said:
April 1st, 1999: A mother gives birth to a baby girl. The nurse picks the baby up, looks at her, and then starts banging the baby's head on the wall.

The mother screams, "What the hell are you doing to my baby???!!!"

"April fools! It was already dead."

heh

Vegeta897 · Apr 23, 2005

Ranga said:
April 1st, 1999: A mother gives birth to a baby girl. The nurse picks the baby up, looks at her, and then starts banging the baby's head on the wall.

The mother screams, "What the hell are you doing to my baby???!!!"

"April fools! It was already dead."

BTW: Don't drink water. Fish f** in it.

Hahaha, that's probably the best and non-cruelest dead-baby joke. Cheers to you.

Insano · Apr 23, 2005

I have the best joke ever!

But I'm not telling it to you! :evil:

Got any Jokes?

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