I just don't even know anymore...

[FrostedxB]

Ever think you had a pretty good idea of your life and where it was going only to have it all shatter around you?


I was supposed to see my ex this weekend, but on thursday I found out she had made out with some other guy. She wants to start over and be friends for a while and work from there, but she wants the guy she cheated on me with to stay with her too. I told her its me or him, and she has 2 weeks to decide. Yet my mind and my heart are fighting each other, one minute I feel like we can work everything out if she leaves him and the next I never want to see her again. It seems like she hasn't a clue how much shes hurt me and isn't as willing to make things semi-right again (I don't know if I can ever forgive her fully.)Whats the most appropriate thing to do? I just don't know.

She's also the reason why I didn't enlist in the Marines and went out to become an EMT. But this changes everything, I've always wanted to be a Marine. They've always been my idols and I really want to go now, especially if she can't leave him. I'm now expecting a call this week to get in touch with another recruiter, so I can get some talking points to have a conversation with my parents. I asked them about how they'd feel if I went and they were fully against it, which may have to do with the fact that my brother just went into the Army.


I really have no idea what to do and no one I can talk to about this. I need to get it out and get some opinions before I do something irrational.

 

[ríomhaire]

I'll try and make this post quick to get in before the "oh god what a bitch saying/doing that you deserve better" posts arrive. Relationships are complex and confusing things. I'm guessing has feelings for both you and the new guy and doesn't really know what to do with herself and is in a good deal of turmoil.

That's still no excuse though. She has put you in an impossible situation and I think you were right to put your foot down and tell her to make up her mind. Stringing you along while she's still with the other guy hurts both you and the other fella, especially you. She was the one who cheated on you, so she can sort out the mess.

As for the marines, I really can't give any advice there other than if it's what you really want to do and you have no reasons holding you back any more I don't see why not. You know the risks and I'm not going to condescend to you by telling you what you should do with you life.

 

[FrostedxB]

Thank you riomhaire. I wasn't too sure if it was any assy move on my part to force her to choose, but I do know that I'd never be happy if she stayed with both of us. At least you think I'm doing the right thing. She says she knows that she should choose to stay with me but she's real confused right now.

I want to know if I should join the Corps in 2 weeks, if I can have my best friend stay with me and work everything out then I won't leave but otherwise, I have nothing left here. I know that's a lot of pressure to put on someone, but she's lucky I'd be willing to give her one more chance.

 

[Dekstar]

I'll just give you my thoughts on where I am with cheating in relationships.

Both my parents got together via affairs with their partners. Their subsequent marriage, while obviously giving birth to me and my older sister, was fraught with distrust from both parties. My parents divorced rather messily when I was about 5.
All that has taught me is that if I was in a relationship with someone, and they cheated, I would never be able to trust them again. Similarly, if someone was in a relationship, but wanted to be with me, flattered though I would be I wouldn't be able to, because trust is such a big issue.

It's entirely up to you, but will you ever be able to trust her again if you took her back? Either way I'm sorry that you had to go through that with someone you sacrificed so much for.

 

[FrostedxB]

I really don't know. With a whole hell of a lot of time and work on her part, some of that trust could be restored. Fully restored I just don't know.

 

[DEATHMASTER]

Once a cheater always a cheater. Trust lost in this fashion is not redeemable and can always be violated again.

 

[<RJMC>]

she cheated you so dumb the bitch

 

[Remus]

I think you should think hard about what YOU really want, not what others want (including your parents). If your dream is to be a marine, then go for it.

 

[FrostedxB]

I feel like I need to be a Marine. It would help me grow up and become a much stronger individual. Like I said, I'm going to have a talk with them to let them know I'm ready to join. I just don't want to come home and find out I have no home.


And as for simply leaving her, I don't know if I can do that either. We've dated nearly two years and did a lot of firsts together. I don't think I can just leave, I'd feel like 2 years were wasted. I could have been in boot camp by now since I would've joined while I was in high school. She always told me I could be something better and I was dumb enough to believe it. But to me, there is nothing better then a soldier.

 

[DEATHMASTER]

Go for it then (being a marine).

 

[CyberPitz]

she cheated you so dumb the bitch

This is the proper response, even if it makes no sense

 

[Solaris]

The girl in question is a whore. She says she wants to get back together but wants to stay with that guy too.

Do you have any self-respect? She is a whore who is only interested in the next cock or a flashy object.

Seriously, if you get back with her I promise she will cheat on you and any other people she ever gets with.

 

[dfc05]

I was supposed to see my ex this weekend, but on thursday I found out she had made out with some other guy. She wants to start over and be friends for a while and work from there, but she wants the guy she cheated on me with to stay with her too. I told her its me or him, and she has 2 weeks to decide. Yet my mind and my heart are fighting each other, one minute I feel like we can work everything out if she leaves him and the next I never want to see her again. It seems like she hasn't a clue how much shes hurt me and isn't as willing to make things semi-right again (I don't know if I can ever forgive her fully.)Whats the most appropriate thing to do? I just don't know.

Wait, what? Did she cheat on you before she became your ex? Because making out with some other guy after already becoming your ex (and then wanting to be just friends with you) doesn't really constitute cheating.

Anyways, for the career issue, yes it sounds like you should go for the Marines if that's what you want to do.

 

[Stigmata]

I really don't know. With a whole hell of a lot of time and work on her part, some of that trust could be restored. Fully restored I just don't know.

There's your answer. Trust will never be fully restored, and you can't have an honest relationship with someone you can't trust. You will always be plagued by the fear that she will cheat again.

Further, her behaviour makes it seem like she doesn't respect you or care about you very much anymore, and is playing her odds, or perhaps keeping you around for potential emotional coddling and support. Her new boyfriend is who she's with now, and you will be the cheated ex who still manages to put her on a pedestal.

If someone cheats on you, it's over for a very, very long time. Cheaters can change (/raises hand, just the one time), but they won't change very quickly around the person they initially cheated on.

 

[FrostedxB]

Wait, what? Did she cheat on you before she became your ex? Because making out with some other guy after already becoming your ex (and then wanting to be just friends with you) doesn't really constitute cheating.

Anyways, for the career issue, yes it sounds like you should go for the Marines if that's what you want to do.

No, she never did before, but I just can't call her my girlfriend right now.

There's your answer. Trust will never be fully restored, and you can't have an honest relationship with someone you can't trust. You will always be plagued by the fear that she will cheat again.

Further, her behaviour makes it seem like she doesn't respect you or care about you very much anymore, and is playing her odds, or perhaps keeping you around for potential emotional coddling and support. Her new boyfriend is who she's with now, and you will be the cheated ex who still manages to put her on a pedestal.

If someone cheats on you, it's over for a very, very long time. Cheaters can change (/raises hand, just the one time), but they won't change very quickly around the person they initially cheated on.

Right now she says she can get rid of the other guy, and she wants me around. That she'd supports my decision to enlist, and she'd write to me daily when I'm gone.

I think she knows what to do to fix it and that shes really willing to try to. And after everything we've been through, I still have a 2% trust in her. But in the meantime, I'm going to try and become a Marine rifleman.

 

[kazsymonds]

The girl in question is a whore. She says she wants to get back together but wants to stay with that guy too.

Do you have any self-respect? She is a whore who is only interested in the next cock or a flashy object.

Seriously, if you get back with her I promise she will cheat on you and any other people she ever gets with.

Good god, this.

 

[Pi Mu Rho]

playing her odds

This. Get rid.

 

[Stigmata]

Right now she says she can get rid of the other guy, and she wants me around. That she'd supports my decision to enlist, and she'd write to me daily when I'm gone.

She's backtracking. Remember what she told you earlier?

She wants to start over and be friends for a while and work from there, but she wants the guy she cheated on me with to stay with her too.

She already told you the truth, and now she's adding layers of complexity in an effort to keep you around, for the ego boost and emotional safety I predicted. She is not a saint. I'm really sorry, this is a terrible thing to go through, but I don't see it being any other way than this.

 

[Pi Mu Rho]

Right now she says she can get rid of the other guy, and she wants me around. That she'd supports my decision to enlist, and she'd write to me daily when I'm gone.

Mmhm, and you being enlisted and away doesn't give her a convenient green light to carry on with this other guy. No sir!

 

[FrostedxB]

I know, and hopefully being 10,000 miles away will be a good thing. I already know I want and need to join, and that will be the ultimate show of faith. If she can leave the guy like she now says, and support me in the Marines, there could be a chance.

Otherwise, I'll at least be doing what I always wanted.


Pi - I know she can carry on, but I'd find out sooner or later. Its not like we're going to be very close for a long time anyway, so if she does carry on with him it'll be much easier to leave her then it seems now.

 

[Unfocused]

I'm not one to always tell others that cheating is unforgivable, but in this case I think you should just leave her and join the Corps if this is your dream. You did a lot of firsts together, so it will hurt you and you may think something like "oh, I'll never find another girl that I'll love as I love her" but that's not true and you're most likely better off experiencing a few relationships before you decide to settle for someone - the 2 years are not wasted, that's experience, just as breaking up with her will be an experience you'll benefit from.

Also telling her to choose was a good move, but I think her answer should be irrelevant at this point.

 

[Stigmata]

You're only setting yourself up for further heartbreak.

Question: When you confronted her about her actions, were you more angry than sad, or more sad than angry?

 

[FrostedxB]

I was more angry then sad.

I found it hard to be sad when I knew I could finally enlist and live out my dream.

 

[Stigmata]

So let me get this straight. You confronted her angrily and her first reaction was to plead with you to stay, but also to let her keep this guy as a friend, correct?

 

[Remus]

You confronted her angrily and her first reaction was to plead with you to stay, but also to let her keep this guy as a friend, correct?

Yeah, see now that doesn't make sense to me.

 

[Stigmata]

Yeah. If that's the case, it is a HUGE red flag that she has a serious interest in this other guy, and has no plans to stop involving herself with him. She's a pussy who won't internalise the fact that she broke the rules, and doesn't want to deal with a breakup.

 

[FrostedxB]

So let me get this straight. You confronted her angrily and her first reaction was to plead with you to stay, but also to let her keep this guy as a friend, correct?

She pleaded me to stay, saying she'd do anything if I didn't leave forever.

Then I told her she had to do this, at first she said ok, and she told me she told him not to talk to her ever again. But he did, invited her to some corn maze thing the next day and that was when she said she didn't know what to do.

The guy is an arrogant little son of a bitch, she told him she was dating someone and he still kissed her. She claims to have tried resisting, but ended up letting him.


My god, I can't trust her if she likes kissing someone just because she's lonely.

Anyway, she has two weeks to decide.
I enlist this week.

 

[Stigmata]

She pleaded me to stay, saying she'd do anything if I didn't leave forever.

Then I told her she had to do this, at first she said ok, and she told me she told him not to talk to her ever again. But he did, invited her to some corn maze thing the next day and that was when she said she didn't know what to do.

The guy is an arrogant little son of a bitch, she told him she was dating someone and he still kissed her. She claims to have tried resisting, but ended up letting him.


My god, I can't trust her if she likes kissing someone just because she's lonely.

Anyway, she has two weeks to decide.
I enlist this week.

Lies on top of lies, here. The guy isn't an arrogant son of a bitch, the girl is. A lot of guys have this backwards approach to handling infidelity - if the girl cheats, he goes and attacks or threatens the guy she cheated with, as if he's the one who broke the rules. It doesn't work. And I'm not trying to insult you or anything, it's a pretty natural and widespread reaction, but you have to realise you're going after the wrong person.

All's fair in love and war. Not all is fair in relationships, and you really, really need to cut her off. If she really wants to be with you, she'll understand why you cut her off, and will come back at a later date. If she doesn't want to be with you, you did yourself a favour by ending the relationship early rather than late.

 

[Solaris]

She pleaded me to stay, saying she'd do anything if I didn't leave forever.

Then I told her she had to do this, at first she said ok, and she told me she told him not to talk to her ever again. But he did, invited her to some corn maze thing the next day and that was when she said she didn't know what to do.

The guy is an arrogant little son of a bitch, she told him she was dating someone and he still kissed her. She claims to have tried resisting, but ended up letting him.


My god, I can't trust her if she likes kissing someone just because she's lonely.

Anyway, she has two weeks to decide.
I enlist this week.

I bolded the lame parts.

Again, you're enlisting the army but you're not giving yourself any self-respect.

The girl is a whore. She's a lier and a leech. Stop making excuses for her.

 

[BabyHeadCrab]

You need to stand up on your own two feet and make life decisions for yourself. Regardless of if this girl is inconsistent or a "bitch", it sounds like you are projecting anxieties onto the relationship instead of doing what's best and most rewarding for you.

Figure that out and live your life according to what you truly want, only then is it advantageous to concern yourself with the complexities and nonsensical behavior of womankind.

 

[Rossell]

(I haven't read the whole thread just the OP)

My personal thoughts on this: Leave her well alone. She's going to mess you around and keep messing you around until she gets bored in my eyes.

I've seen the effects of relationships gone sour with my 'rents. That ones still pending unfortunately.

As for the Marines, its your choice. I can't really comment on this having no experience but just promise us here you'll think about it properly.

 

[FrostedxB]

Sadly, thinking about it properly is not something I can do. I've done it for a few years, and now I feel ready. I just watched the basic overview of the 12 weeks of boot camp and it looks like something I could benefit from greatly.


She has this chance unless she chooses him and that will stand, it seems that no matter how many opinions I can get, I just don't think I can act in anyway until I get to confront her face-to-face.

 

[Eejit]

Lies on top of lies, here. The guy isn't an arrogant son of a bitch, the girl is. A lot of guys have this backwards approach to handling infidelity - if the girl cheats, he goes and attacks or threatens the guy she cheated with, as if he's the one who broke the rules. It doesn't work. And I'm not trying to insult you or anything, it's a pretty natural and widespread reaction, but you have to realise you're going after the wrong person.

Bugger off you just sound like a misogynist now. Like guys are always entirely innocent. Why can't the guy she kissed be an arrogant douche as well as her being a cheating bitch?

 

[BabyHeadCrab]

What if the guy had no knowledge of her current or recent relationship status? Really it's all situational. I don't think stiggy was so much going for misogyny as much as indicating it's more important to settle things between the individual you actually know and have a past with--the more blatant offender (assuming you have no past with the person engaging with the cheater).

It's a mucky issue, really--it's heavily situational so talking about it as if there's a universe code of rules is silly.

ALL THAT GETS THROWN AWAY IN THE BATTLEFIELD OF INTIMACY. IT'S A WAR OUT THERE, FOLKS. Just be cool and rational and talk to people, minimize pain through communication and realize when things are beyond repair. I've both been the guy who a girl cheated with (inadvertently, I ended things with her) and been cheated on... both featured complexities and great deals of pain that only time and good communication could heal. Very rarely are their specific people to blame just a bad collective communication. This is not to excuse cheaters--but shit talking as opposed to expressing disappointment and cutting things off tends to solve nothing.

 

[YROC]

I would leave her. Do your marine thing. You wanted to be a marine. You sacrificed that opportunity for someone who ended up cheating on you. Well, now you get that chance again.

 

[BabyHeadCrab]

Don't die in Afghanistan, you're a bright dude.

 

[DEATHMASTER]

Remember to take your medigun.

 

[Rossell]

Sadly, thinking about it properly is not something I can do. I've done it for a few years, and now I feel ready. I just watched the basic overview of the 12 weeks of boot camp and it looks like something I could benefit from greatly.


She has this chance unless she chooses him and that will stand, it seems that no matter how many opinions I can get, I just don't think I can act in anyway until I get to confront her face-to-face.

So then you have thought about it properly then you doofus

Good luck anyways mate you got more balls then I have.

 

[FrostedxB]

So then you have thought about it properly then you doofus

Good luck anyways mate you got more balls then I have.

Despite having thought about it for years, my parents want me to think some more. They have no clue how ready I am to take on this challenge. I'm going to get some info from a recruiter so I can sit down and talk to them, then have that recruiter come to my house to meet them.

 

[BabyHeadCrab]

Are you in shape? Do you have any psychological/physical or emotional handicaps or learning disabilities? Probably some things to consider before enlisting in the most active branch of the U.S. military.