I planted a listening bug at Valve

C

Cybernoid

Guest
One of the voices is Gabe's, the other man is Doug. It is widely believed that Doug is director of marketing, but in reality he is head of the POBO, the Psychological and Other Black Operations unit.

This is what was recorded.

Gabe: Report, soldier.
Doug: All is going according to your plan, master. 1,024 field subjects experienced critical heart failure after being told that Half-Life 2 isn't really going gold. A few survived the initial laboratory experiments, although they are nothing more than vegetables, now. HL2 Fallout has been destroyed.
Gabe: Excellent work. What is the current bodycount of the entire campaign?
Doug: 19,234 and counting, master.
Gabe: What of Operation Second Test?
Doug: Operation Second Test is going as you predicted, oh great leader. All test subjects are on the verge of impending mental collapse. Mass panic and chaos has ensued.
Gabe: It's all good.
Doug: Word.
Gabe: Initiate plan x-ray delta nine bravo.
Doug: Er, what was that again, master?
Gabe: Operation Mindf-ck.
Doug: Right-o. Will do.
Gabe: Woot. You are dismissed, soldier.
 
Sometimes I wonder if this really is what happens over there :)
 
In A.D. 2004
Shit was hitting fan.

Gabe: what happen ? :|
Some guy: somebody haxor us the gold date.
Doug: we get e-mail.
Gabe: wut :O
Doug: micro$oft outlook turn on.
Gabe: wtf its u !! :frown:
Haxor: lol ******s u have been pwned :LOL:
Haxor: all your account are belong to me.
Haxor: you are pwned
Gabe: wtf :eek:
Haxor: you have gold date make your time.
Haxor: lol
Doug: hey gabe wtf we do now :hmph:
Gabe: dunno.
Gabe: u know what u doin???
Gabe: for great justice!!!! :imu:
Doug: wtf r u talkin about
 
Wow great minds think alike! Here's my recording-

Gabe: How is operation preloading going?
Doug: Muwahaha the Pentium II computer with a 14k modem is operating just fine
Gabe: Muwhaha
Doug: Muwahaha
Gabe: And the people who did get to start the preloading?
Doug: They are all stuck at 68% percent sir
Gabe: Muwhaha
Doug: Muwahaha
Gabe: When Counter Strike: Source is released on steam they wil be ours, mindless ranks of men distorted by the evil power of Steam not working, domination is soon young one!
Doug: Muwahaha
 
next thing you know there planing a terrorist attack on the hole world :\

Quote:

Gabe: Release the Headcrabs!!!
 
Hes my little opinion on whats going down over there at vavle.

Gabe: How HL2 coming along?
Doug: Very well sir, the newbie programmer on the 93 Mac is doing as expected. Putting out 3 lines or programming a day...
Gabe: Whats everyone else doing?
Doug: Jones came along this new pron site, each guy is taking their turn.
Gabe: New pron?
Doug: Yes sir.
Gabe: Why wasnt I informed of this?
Doug: Well we thought we'd give the other guys a chance to look at it, you know to keep them busy or at least doing something, since they just sit around playing the mediocre CS:S.
Gabe: What about the gold date?
Doug: Gold date?
Gabe: Yes the gold date!
Doug: We announced earlier that it would go gold in early-mid August, but since we have more money than god, we can just sit and wait, and make more excuses why HL2 isnt coming out.
Gabe: Arent we running out of excuses?
Doug: Yes, we are, we have a staff night and day trying to come up with beleivable excuses for the public to beleive. I honestly like the video card excuse myself.
Gabe: Remember when we said that some guy stole our source code. OMG that was so funny,but instead we just threw out a beta version of it saying that someone stole it, it bought us time didnt it?
Doug: Yes it did, pure genious sir.
Gabe: Thank you...
 
Gabe: we are trying very hard to make this game, and then it was stolen, and vivendi were being pricks, and all this bad shit happened, and now most of our fans hate us.


:( for gabe
 
Gabe: Morning all.
Doug: Did you post the GOLD date!!!???
Gabe: WTF?
Dough: You didnt?
Gabe OMFG ***ed in the **** again NOOOOOOO! BAAAAAAAAAWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
Doug: Awww dont cry. here have a chocky bici....
 
Heres the latest from the bug-

Gabe- Hows the news Doug?
Doug- Not good master there is plenty of bandwidth and evreyone has preloaded HL2 fine. Also the beta tester for CS Source are having a great time?
Gabe- Whhhaaatttt?
Doug- Im sorry sir, i bought 10,000mb of bandwidth instead of 10,000kb, please forgive me master!
Gabe- Your failure will not go unpunished. (Does Darth Vader strangling move)
Doug- Stop that everyones laughing at you
Rest of vALVE staff- He he he!
Gabe- This is it I will not be having people enjoy steam, doug I want a new version of CS Source pronto, and take out evrything the players enjoyed, especially the cool bullet holes. I will not tollerate Steam working as it should!
Doug- Also master, what about filling the download with all the stuff evrybodys already got to steal all the bandwidth.
Gabe- Good thinking apprentice, you are truly redemeed.
Doug- Buit there is just one thing, all that bandwidth cost so much I had to take it away from your monthly doughnut and porn allowance
Gabe- Whhhaaattt?
 
OMFG!!!!!!11111!!!!!oneoneone JFC!!!!!!!!11111111!!!!!!!oneoneoneoneone
the all your base are belong to us one is fricking genius!
 
Gaben: OMG LOL BBQ, hl2 r0x0r's my b0x0rs
Dougen: /o/
gaben: lol
 
Since ive been on these forums this is the best thread ive ever seen.
 
-Planted bug in Men's Restroom-

Gabe : So Gordon...You think that 'ultra-realistic' 'game' we've been promoting is still fooling the people?
Gordon : Well of course! Little do they know it was just me acting out scenes with a video camera on my head...
Doug : What???? So what have the staff been working on?
Barney : -enters the restroom- Hey...They solved the second test.
Doug : What??? Second Test????
Gabe : We can't trust you with this information Doug. Gordon, you know what to do.
Doug : What the hell!!!!
Gordon : -fwap with crowbar-
Doug : Aaayyyeeee. -thump-
Gabe : Hey! Another reason to delay the release...Doug suddenly...Had a heart attack? Sure.
Barney : I've got a baaaad feeling about this...
Gordon : -fwap with crowbar-
Barney : Aaaayyyeee -thump thump-
Gabe : Well, just you and me isn't it...
Gordon : -evil glint in eyes. Fwap with crowbar.-
Gabe : Ayye...Aw damn. -BANG-
Gordon : Now...To cover it all up...Hmm...Beta Leak...Yes... perfect.
 
Totally fricking awesome dudes, funny as hell shit. I loved ...
Doug- Buit there is just one thing, all that bandwidth cost so much I had to take it away from your monthly doughnut and porn allowance
Click to expand...
 
Gabe: WE'VE FINISHED THE GAME, AND ITS ALL ON THIS DISC!!!!
*Gordon runs in*
Gordon: GAAAAAAH HEADCRABS HEADCRABS EVRYWHERE!
*smashes the hl2 disc into pieces and runs out of the room*
Gabe: Well i guess its time to perpetuate another beta 'leak'
Doug: Yeah Gordon really needs to lay off the Jack Daniels
 
Here is one:

Doug: Code alert 5! Code alert 5!
Gabe: What!? Really!?
Doug: Yes, see here... Half life 2 dot net...
Gabe: No! SH*T! Issue an emergency lockdown! Initiate code 6! NOW, D***IT, NOW!
Doug: Roger! Releasing screenshots... now!
Gabe: Hopefully, that will distract them, and buy us time. What should we do!?
Doug: They seem to have a listening device somewhere in this building. They have our exact words!
Gabe: Sh*t... their on to us...
Doug: Sir, we still havn't found the device! Our very words are being recorded!
Gabe: Where could it be!?... Wait! That thing on the ceiling...
*Sounds of scraping*
*Static*
 
Another Scenario at Vavle Inc...

Gabe: Hows HL2 coming along today Doug?
Doug: Excellent sir, we threw out 2 new screens to think that were almost done. I also put out a new article saying we'd have an RC out about the 15th...
Gabe:Thats nice.... YOU WHAT!
Doug: What do you mean sir arent we almost done with that RC yet. I mean we even said we would have all the bugs out by early august!
Gabe: What the F^&# did you do that for, I never told you to do that!
Doug: I beleive you did sir. You said to make an article for how we are doing on the RC.
Gabe: No I said I would like the see the newspaper to the read the comic "Archie".
Doug: (Looks at Gabe wierd)
Gabe: What? It helps pass the time while sittin in the crapper!
...Oh well looks like we actually have to work for once! Thanks a lot 5H!7 face!
Doug: Hey just because I eat feces doesnt mean you have to say it aloud so everyone hears!
Gabe: Whats Today?
Doug: I think its Monday right now...why?
Gabe: Nudie Magazine Day! (Runs outside and hops on golf cart to go to the mailbox)
Doug: I guess I start working on Half Life 2 then...I knew I shoulda worked for EA games...
 
lol. the best thread ever. keep 'em coming guys :) we all need a good laugh nowadays..
 
Kristafon said:
Gabe- This is it I will not be having people enjoy steam, doug I want a new version of CS Source pronto, and take out evrything the players enjoyed, especially the cool bullet holes.
Click to expand...
Rofl.

I am loving this thread.
 
[Gabe is playing with his dolls in his Office when Doug bursts in]

Doug : Gabe!
Gabe : WHAT?

[Gabe gathers up his dolls]

Doug : You're needed in the steam room sir!
Gabe : Knock on my door! Knock next time!
Doug : Yes, sir!
Gabe : Did you see anything?
Doug : No, sir! I didn't see you playing with you dolls again.

[Doug closes the door]

Gabe: Good!
 
I was gunna say. Completely stolen from Spaceballs -.-

Gabe - What the hell am I lookin at!
Doug - You're looking at now sir...

I won't even do it.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

B
Barking Dog Studios' work for Valve
Replies
0
Views
11K
Barnz
B
MFL
Fascinating look at the ongoing psychological evolution of flat hieirarchies.
Replies
2
Views
2K
Tollbooth Willie
Tollbooth Willie
-smash-
Are Valve and Bad Robot Still Working Together on a New Game?
Replies
6
Views
15K
sage78
sage78
V
I had a tour at the Valve HQ recently, this is what I found out.
Replies
8
Views
9K
UshankaCat
UshankaCat
-smash-
Using Unity at Valve - Vision Summit 2016
Replies
5
Views
6K
Ennui
Ennui
Back
Top