I'm currently working on the most inane assignment I may have ever been given..

[Slacker]

"Write a blessing from a Mesopatanian citizen thanking a deity for the tigris and euphrates rivers."

Aka, I have to write a prayer to an ancient god.

I should also add that I go to a public school.

 

[Que-Ever]

Well, what, do you want help or something?

"Dear Deity in heaven, thanks for all the water n' shit, love, citizen."

 

[Slacker]

Well, what, do you want help or something?

"Dear Deity in heaven, thanks for all the water n' shit, love, citizen."

It's not that simple, I have to go into why it benefits me, what I can do to help, etc etc etc. Not to mention I feel like a total idiot writing it.

 

[Seagull]

what do you have so far?

 

[joule]

Be creative. Good luck!

 

[Slacker]

Be creative. Good luck!

That's the weird thing about me. I love to write, and I want to do something that involves writing when I grow up, but I hate hate hate hate hate it when someone gives me some odd "think outside of the box!" subject and expects me to produce a masterpiece, unless it's some subject that I'm at least vaguely interested in.

 

[Que-Ever]

Well, hell, you think the river god wants to listen to all that crap?

Yeah, what a crappy assignment.

 

[Cole]

Write on the paper,
"HOW WILL THIS HELP ME IN LIFE!"

 

[Thunderclap]

OH MIGHTY ZOD (or whatever his/her name is)!
I PROSTRATE MYSELF BEFORE THEE!
I AM A SAD, PATHETIC WORM, WRITHING IN THE DUST BEFORE THEE!
I THANK THEE FOR THY INFINITE MERCY IN GRANTING ME, YOUR HUMBLE SLAVE, THE BLESSED BOUNTY OF THE TWIN RIVERS, TIGRIS AND EUPHRATES!
FOR EVERY DROP OF WATER WE DRINK, WE ARE REMINDED OF YOUR KINDNESS, AND WE ARE REMINDED THAT IT CAN BE TAKEN AWAY.
TAKE THIS BURNT OFFERING.
I GIVE IT YOU WILLINGLY, FOR YOU ARE THE MAKER, THE DESTROYER, THE ALMIGHTY ZOD (or whatever his or her name is).
How's that?​

 

[Thadius Dean]

That's pretty easy dude...

 

[DeusExMachina]

Don't say anything negative. He'll drop the euphrates right on top of you.

 

[Slacker]

OH MIGHTY ZOD (or whatever his/her name is)!
I PROSTRATE MYSELF BEFORE THEE!
I AM A SAD, PATHETIC WORM, WRITHING IN THE DUST BEFORE THEE!
I THANK THEE FOR THY INFINITE MERCY IN GRANTING ME, YOUR HUMBLE SLAVE, THE BLESSED BOUNTY OF THE TWIN RIVERS, TIGRIS AND EUPHRATES!
FOR EVERY DROP OF WATER WE DRINK, WE ARE REMINDED OF YOUR KINDNESS, AND WE ARE REMINDED THAT IT CAN BE TAKEN AWAY.
TAKE THIS BURNT OFFERING.
I GIVE IT YOU WILLINGLY, FOR YOU ARE THE MAKER, THE DESTROYER, THE ALMIGHTY ZOD (or whatever his or her name is).
How's that?​

The Blessing has to be a few paragraphs, I should add.

 

[lePobz]

Woe. Unto. Thee.

 

[Krynn72]

Write it like you are a citizen with the plague whose family is dying because their house burnt down. Be sure to include how you sent dozens of slaves to their deaths by sending them into the fire so that they might slow down the burning of your house. Make your teacher regret ever giving you the assignment/

 

[Slacker]

Write it like you are a citizen with the plague whose family is dying because their house burnt down. Be sure to include how you sent dozens of slaves to their deaths by sending them into the fire so that they might slow down the burning of your house. Make your teacher regret ever giving you the assignment/

That's sort of brilliant, actually.

 

[Tollbooth Willie]

Or just write "**** your diety" and give it to the teacher.

 

[Slacker]

I like my teacher though, I just think that the assignment is totally idiotic.

 

[Tollbooth Willie]

In that case "I respect you, but I can't be assed to do such an idiotic assignment. I just can't do it man."

 

[Krynn72]

That's sort of brilliant, actually.

Hahah, I speak from experience. I had to do something similar before (writing a paper from some ancient citizen's viewpoint), so I just included all the discusting and vile things that would have happened in that time period. Heads chopped off, hangings, shit all over the place because there were no sewers, foul smelling people who never washed in their life. Plague piles in the streets being lit on fire to burn the disease, people starving because our city was under seige by an enemy army, severed heads being catapaulted into our city to break our morale. Etc.

I got a B for it also, but wasnt allowed to read it to the class even though everyone else could read theirs. Haha, it was awesome.

 

[Thunderclap]

O MIGHTY ZOD (or whatever his/her name is)!
I PROSTRATE MYSELF BEFORE THEE!
I AM A SAD, PATHETIC WORM, WRITHING IN THE DUST BEFORE THEE!
I AM AN INSUBSTANTIAL FLICKER NEXT TO YOUR GLORIOUS RADIANCE!
I AM NOTHING COMPARED TO THEE!
O MIGHTY ZOD!

I THANK THEE FOR THY INFINITE MERCY IN GRANTING ME, THY HUMBLE SLAVE, THE BLESSED BOUNTY OF THE TWIN RIVERS, TIGRIS AND EUPHRATES!
FOR EVERY DROP OF WATER WE DRINK, WE ARE REMINDED OF THY KINDNESS, AND WE ARE REMINDED THAT IT CAN BE TAKEN AWAY.
IN THIS RED LAND, WHERE THE SANDS BURN WITH INFERNAL HEAT,
THE TIGRIS AND EUPHRATES SUCKLE AND NURTURE US.
WITHOUT THE RIVERS, WITHOUT THOU,
O MIGHTY ZOD, I CANNOT EXIST!
PRAISE THEE O MIGHTY ZOD!

WOE BETIDE HE WHO DOES NOT SERVE THEE!
FOR THOU SHALT STRIKE HIM DOWN IN RIGHTEOUS ANGER!
HIS LIPS WILL PARCH, HIS LIMBS WILL WITHER, AND HIS TONGUE WILL TURN TO ASH!
HE SHALL RUE THE DAY HE DARED TO DEFY THE ALMIGHTY ZOD!

TAKE THIS BURNT OFFERING.
I GIVE IT TO THEE WILLINGLY,
FOR THOU HAST BLESSED ME
AND I KNOW WHATEVER CAN BE GIVEN
CAN BE TAKEN AWAY!
FOR THOU ART THE CREATER, THE DESTROYER,
THE ALMIGHTY ZOD (or whatever his or her name is).​

There damn it. Consider it free, I enjoyed writing it.

 

[Tollbooth Willie]

*claps*

 

[Cole]

Throw in some extra things about how your wife is being all bitchy and has PMS and you want to use a river to drown her.

 

[Ennui]

holy god take thunderclap's

 

[Thunderclap]

holy god take thunderclap's

Thanks! :cheese:

I think that prayer covers everything Slacker needs.

If you want something else, there's plenty more where that came from.

 

[Tollbooth Willie]

Write a book or something.

 

[Thunderclap]

Write a book or something.

Oh I am! What I wrote is based on some prayers that appear in a SF novel I am working on. They're quite fun to write.

 

[Tollbooth Willie]

SF= Science Fiction? I have a low mental capacity. IQ. Attention span. Whatever the Hell you call it.

 

[Thunderclap]

SF= Science Fiction?

:thumbs: I always wanted to write an SF story where religion is still a very real part of everyone's lives, but doesn't involve some fundamentalist Christian dictatorship or some irritating utopia where everyone's a Buddhist.

 

[Dan]

Talk about sacrificing a girls virginity to the river god. I hear that's what they mostly did in Mesopotamia. Be really graphic.

 

[CyberPitz]

Talk about sacrificing a girls virginity to the river god. I hear that's what they mostly did in Mesopotamia. Be really graphic.

Except make sure she knows it's a 12 year old girl.


....


I'm going to jail for that one, aren't I?

 

[Sulkdodds]

, I have to write a prayer to an ancient god.

I know one!

O ancient Beast from the Beneath, hear us; O endless Pain from the Darkness, hear us; O elder Lord of Entropy, hear us; we call thee; O Adversary, Giant, Unliving Cataclysm, hear us; O Cold Death at the Edge of Existence, hear us; O Black Hole, O Singularity, O Doom of Worlds, hear us; O Adversary, O Foe, O Ancient Enemy of All Creation; hear us; we call thee; O thou whose names are endless, whose age beyond reckoning, whose faces legion, whose destruction unending, we call thee; O Great Old One, O Dark and Terrible One, O Nameless, Faceless, Depthless One, we call thee, Come!

Come..................come......come.............come....come
............. come.............come..come........come
come come
..................................come ..................come
......................................................come​

Eater of Children, Endless of War, Elder of Chaos, He of the Nightmare and He of the Dream, we call; The Black One, the Player of Games, User of Weapons, Eater of Souls, the Serpent-Haired, the Worm-Bearded, we call; He of the Fork-ed Tongue, He Who Comes in Darkness, He who goes Bump in the Night, He who Watches and He who Waits, we call; He the Burning Blade, He the Dweller in the Gulf, He the Seed of Destruction, He the Hydra, He the Dragon, He the Usurper, He the Interloper, He the Volcano, Lord of Dead Dreams; Corrupter of Flesh, Gol-Gotha-Gol-Goro-Gogogoth; He the Forgotten One, He Who Must Not be Named, He Who Goes Bump in the Night; the Haunter of Dreams, The Nightmare Walker, God of the Cold Black Silence, the Eternal; He the Bearer of the Crown, the Lord of the Charnel, the Ever-Watchful, the All-Consuming, All-Seeing, All-Knowing, All-Despising, All-Despoiling, All-Singing, All-Dancing; Cancer of Creation, Lurker in the Lake of Fire, Monarch of Zug-gammoth, Lord of Bel'Shar; He the Worm of the White Abyss, the Dawn Treader, He the Ugly Duckling; He of the Throne of the Bones of the Great Waiting Ones, The Thing which Should Not Be, the Walker in Fire, Bearer of the Plague of the Slumbering Black, Spawn of Lovecraft, Wet Dream of Mike Mignola, Burrower Beneath, the Sleeper Awake, the Terror that Walks in Darkness; He the Worm, He the Abortion, He the Afterbirth, He the Unborn; He the Enemy, He the Foe, He the Defiler and the Destroyer, the Desecrator, the Dessicator, the Seven who are One; He the Dragon, Serpent of Serpents, Pit and Pendulum, King of Obscenity; the Dweller in the Mire, the Caller in the Deeps, the Great Dark Silent One, Ancient of Night; He the Vortex, Patriarch of Storms and Maelstroms, Feaster from the Depths, Flame in Darkness, the Watcher on the Mountain, the Spinner of Dreams and the Lord of Lies, the Silent Screamer, the Bringer of Pestilence, Doom of Stars, Eater of Worlds, Picker of Moons from between His almighty Toenails, Devourer of Suns, Asteroid-Pocked, Meteor-Scabbed, He Who Rides on the Tails of Comets and Lies on the Turtle's Back, Then Eats Them, He the Hungry One Between the Worlds, Poison Gas Giant, he the Demoter of Planetoids and the Bane of Solar Systems, He who Snacks on Space Shuttles, He the Doom of Stars, End of Galaxies, He the Entropy at the End of all Time, He the Ultimate Blackness, the Alpha, the Omega, and all Letters In-Between, He Who Gleams in the Rapist's Eye; He Who Whispers in the Madman's Ear; He the Cataclysm, He the Apocalypse, He the Maw and the Eye, the Maw and the Eye, the Maw and the Eye, we call!

Come..................come......come.............come....come
............. come..................................come .............come..come........come
come come
..................................come ..................come
......................................................come......................come...................
come..................
come...........come................come...........................................................come
.......................................come...................come
.....................................................................................................come....come....come.............come............come........................................come.............​

He is the Way, the Road, the Passage and the Corridor; He is the Key and the Guardian of the Gate; He is the Gate and the Way Beyond; He the last terrible blight of nethermost confusion which blasphemes and bubbles at the centre of all infinity, who gnaws in yearning; He that Dances in inconceivable, unlighted Chambers beyond Time and Space to the muffled, maddening Beat and detestable pounding of vile Drums; He the Absurd, He the Gigantic, He the Blind, He the Voiceless, He the Mindless, He the Crawling Chaos, He of a Thousand Young, He the Husband of Eternity, He who Writhes in the Pit of Despair; He who spins and screams in the Hivespace. Dreadful Guardian of the Black Prison, All and None; come! Come! Come, we call thee, come!

(If there is a loud snap, a sound like worlds tearing apart, a lot of red light and a small thermonuclear explosion singalling the end of all Reality, you've done it correctly. Not that for the "come" bits with all the chanting you'll need to gather exactly 66 friends!)

 

[Danimal]

I think the point of this assignmnet is to be able to write from seperate timelines and perspectives.

btw use Thunderclap's!

 

[Ravioli]

Ive gotta write an essey about how i look at mesopotamia from an inchest made parasite inside the body of an antilope during its mateing season while hes shitting out of his mouth when at the same time alien invadors attack us- Perspective.

Teachers can be tricky

 

[Cole]

Except make sure she knows it's a 12 year old girl.


....


I'm going to jail for that one, aren't I?

I can't imagine the thoughts that go through your mind....

 

[Que-Ever]

I can :naughty:

Tell the teacher it's against your religion to write prayers to other gods.

 

[Krynn72]

Ive gotta write an essey about how i look at mesopotamia from an inchest made parasite inside the body of an antilope during its mateing season while hes shitting out of his mouth when at the same time alien invadors attack us- Perspective.

Teachers can be tricky

pfft. My teacher gave us that assignment last month.

 

[Korgoth]

Mention something about how in 2000 + years, a pack of infadels from the west will use these rivers to topple you're insane leaders! Makes for good class room discussion.

 

[<RJMC>]

what about

oh big zulu thanks for give us womans to fornicate big zulu
we all love zulu ,zulu is our mastar

 

[Slacker]

what about

oh big zulu thanks for give us womans to fornicate big zulu
we all love zulu ,zulu is our mastar

*Throws tomatoes*