Jam

The only time I typically eat jam is as an anti-emetic. Other than that, I really, really don't like it.

-Angry Lawyer
 
I thought this was a thread about the band.
 
Though I might disagree with those who might eat jam, I will defend to the death their right to eat it.
 
Jam is disgusting. No true, patriotic citizen of the Free World would ever touch its evil. I'll tell you why.

Do you know where jam is from? That's right, the Middle-East. Centuries ago, sugar cane already grew naturally there, and the warring tribes often fought bloody skirmishes over the sugar cane fields, raping and pillaging the women and children they forced to work there. Even then, the Middle-East was a cruel and barbaric place, touched by the long finger of Satan.

When the proud eyes of our brave European ancestors fell upon these horrors, they prayed to our Lord the Saviour, and a true and just sense of responsibility filled their hearts. They knew they had the Holy Duty to put an end to the barbarism that raged so near the Holy Lands of Israel. The Holy Crusades were begun, and both the armour and the hearts of the valiant knights who marched forth shone with the light of the Lord.

As these King among men arrived in those fallen lands, they soon saw the catalyst that triggered the innate barbaric tendencies of the Eastern peoples. The unholy sweetness of jam, first mixed and tasted by Satan himself, was too powerful for these lesser minds. Strengthened by their Faith and their Cause, they fought many a bloody war, but ultimately their goal was achieved. The sugar cane fields were razed, one and all. The already created jam was caught in canisters, and deported to the West, where it would do no more harm.

For truly, this was the only way. Only the proud Men of the West, with the Lord in their hearts, could resist the temptation of sugary delight. Long it remained hidden and safe, and the world was at peace. When the Great Continent, our beloved America, was discovered, the jam was moved even further West, to ensure it would never wreak its havoc again.

Satan saw the resolve of the West, saw their resistance against the petty lure of the jam, and raged. For centuries he boosted the flames of Hell with his anger. But then, he saw his chance. In the West, the True Faith was no longer in the hearts of all men. Heretics roamed the lands, crime was rampant, and the Lord himself anguished over the fate of His children. The wisdom of the Crusaders was forgotten, and Satan easily swayed the hearts of heretics to taste the sweetness of sin that jam was so full of.

Soon, jam had invaded the hearts and homes of all those unknowing innocents, and Satan ruled over there hearts. The barbarism of the Middle-East was alighted once more in jealousy of our jam-filled golden lands, forcing our nation to defend itself against these aggressors. Yet the true evil still exists all around us, and only a few know how to resist.

Only when jam is once more banished to the darkness, only when the West is once more a proud nation of the Lord, strong against the jam, shall the world know peace. And only you, proud American, can make this change. Find the Fire of the Lord that burns deep in your Western heart. Resist the lure of jam. Banish it from your home, your heart, your mind. Save the world, and save yourself.
 
D'you know why Bob Marley doesn't like the donuts in heaven?


They haven't got any jam in.
 
I must state that although jam is a form of foodstuff I do not agree with the use of jam on banana's.

- Pax
 
Space_Jam.jpg

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theGreenBunny said:
<snip>
Click to expand...
Atrocious.

William Blake once said that "as the caterpillar chooses the fairest leaves to lay her eggs on, so the priest lays his curse on the fairest joys." You are one such priest.

Jam is no devilry; containing both the flesh and blood of a fruit it comes to represent the very divine flesh and holy blood of God, who is in us all; its formation in water and sweet sugar reflects our own beginnings in the primordial ooze, and thus we consume only understanding - of the universe, of God, of each other, which were all one, and infinite.

All of your bibles and your sacred codes make the same mistakes: that man is split in two, a body and a soul sperated; that energy, which you call Evil, comes alone from the body, and that Reason, which you call Good, comes from the soul; that all men will be tormented in eternity for following their energies.

But Jam shows these virulent codes for the lies they are; Jam will show you the infinite if only you will open up your eyes. We too, like it, are boiled in God's grand pot, are chemical products of mulch and blood, of essence and meat. Man has no body distinct from his soul, for that which you call the body is merely a portion of the soul percieved by the five senses, the chief inputs of the soul in this era. Likewise what you call the soul is merely a portion of that body and a product of those senses. You find this contradictory? Blake again: "Without contraries is no progression."

Energy is the only life and is from both body and soul, and reason, as Blake identifies, "the bound or outward circumference of Energy" - for how indeed can energy be "evil" if it opens up such truths? Energy is eternal delight, as desire is the one essentiality of humanity.

Just as you deny yourself Jam, you deny yourself the unity of creation. If the doors of your perception were cleansed then every thing would appear to man as it is - infinite.

But like you, he has closed himself up, until he sees all things through the narrow chinks of his cavern.


"How do you know, but ev'ry bird that cuts the airy way, is an immense world of delight, clos'd to your senses five?"
Click to expand...
 
Pax said:
I must state that although jam is a form of foodstuff I do not agree with the use of jam on banana's.

- Pax
Click to expand...

The use of Jame on banana's will lead to a Perma-Ban
 
I really like Jam on toast. There's a local diner, and they serve that (seperately, you jam on yourself) but they put way too much butter. I'm not some cholestorol truck drive. Come now.

WAIT GUYS.

What about marmalade? Is there room in this thread for it?
 
Agreed. Marmite rocks.

Only Que is awesome enough to understand the true purpose of this thread.

-Angry Lawyer
 
"Jams are usually made from pulp and juice of one fruit, rather than a combinations of several fruits. Berries and other small fruits are most frequently used, though larger fruits such as apricots, peaches, or plums cut into small pieces or crushed are also used for jams. Good jam has a soft even consistency without distinct pieces of fruit, a bright color, a good fruit flavor and a semijellied texture that is easy to spread but has no free liquid." - Berolzheimer R(ed) et al (1959)

What an epic quote.
 
SimonomiS said:
"Jams are usually made from pulp and juice of one fruit, rather than a combinations of several fruits. Berries and other small fruits are most frequently used, though larger fruits such as apricots, peaches, or plums cut into small pieces or crushed are also used for jams. Good jam has a soft even consistency without distinct pieces of fruit, a bright color, a good fruit flavor and a semijellied texture that is easy to spread but has no free liquid." - Berolzheimer R(ed) et al (1959)

What an epic quote.
Click to expand...

The most epic of the epic
 
Wait, wait, wait. What do you guys think of Jelly? Is it jam's nemesis?
 
I like spam.

I mean jam. Its only good in croissents or however you spell it.
 
CyberSh33p said:
WAIT GUYS.

What about marmalade? Is there room in this thread for it?
Click to expand...

There better had be. For Marmalade is far superior to jam. You never hear of thick, medium or thin sliced JAM now do you?
 
Marmalade is win. Jam is good too.

However, the real winner here is CRANBERRY SAUCE. Now that stuff is SEX in a jar.
 
Clearly the people major of this site do not care for jam. I say we abandon them for good.

Anyone for jam and scones?
 
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