Joke thread because I need a laugh or suicide you f*ckers

Hey, hey, HEY - YOU ADD THOSE DASHES TO THE END OF MY NAME GOD DAMMIT TO HELL, DARKSIDE.

EDIT: Yea I'm laughing at many a thing right now.. tee hee.

I look like my avatar lol
 
Where do you always find a Quadriplegic?
Wherever the **** you left them.
 
What nationality are you when you pee?

European (speak it out loud)
 
Shakermaker said:
What's slowly turning brown while trying to smash the window in?

A baby in a microwave


What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever
Click to expand...



dude those are older than me. here's another oldie:

what's black, yellow and screams?

a busload of black kids driving off a cliff
 
what's fat, and old?
CptStern
 
How do you keep an angry dog from biting you on monday?

go back in time and kill hitler
 
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

because the sheep got wary of the sound of zips
 
A man walks into a bar.




His family is currently dealing with the effects of his alcoholism.
 
CptStern said:
dude those are older than me. here's another oldie:

what's black, yellow and screams?

a busload of black kids driving off a cliff
Click to expand...

And yet you're older than me :) Not by much though iirc :(
 
Dog-- said:
He didn't even tell it right, it's "at first there is alot of sucking and blowing and in the end you lose your house"
Click to expand...
I preferred the former version. BTW, loved the humourless jokes, might pull them at some party to ruin the wibe.
 
^ SEE VIRUS, MONKEY LIKED THEM TOO IT WASN'T JUST THE DRUGS THAT MADE THEM FUNNY.

Unless he's on drugs right now...
 
I thought they were hilarious. But that might just be me.
 
I quite liked the German ones, though some were a bit meh.
 
Whats the difference between a kiss ass and a brown nose?

Depth perception.
 
A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."





badumtsscopy.jpg


I LOVE puns.
 
One day I found a dog. I named it sex. But I knew I had to get a license for the dog, so I contacted the man responsible for that sort of thing. I walked up to him with my dog and said " I want to have a license, for sex". The man replied "yeah, I don't think you need to, in this country. I replied "but you don't understand, I really need to have that license to have sex". The man got angry "will you get out!"

After a few months, I entered my dog in a grooming competition, which was televised. I was getting ready for the competition inside the competition building, when a competition official approached me. "are you part of this competition ? " she asked. I replied " yes, I want to have sex on television". "Excuse me ? " the woman replied in a harsh tone. "yes, I want to have sex in front of the cameras and the public". I replied. "alright, enough of this, out, get out now!" The woman forced me out from the competition.

Soon I started seeing a girl, and within a few months we planned to get married. When we were discussing the marriage, I really wanted to have my dog at my wedding, so I asked my girlfriend "can I ask you something ? Can we have sex at the wedding ?". My girlfriend was taken aback by that question. " No dear, we can have sex after the wedding". But I wasn't about to give up, I felt it appropriate that my dog be at the wedding. " but you don't understand, I want to see sex at the wedding". "Yes and I keep telling you we can do that after our wedding". But determined to have my dog at my wedding, I wasn't about to give up. " But I want to have sex with all those people at the wedding". My girlfriend recoiled, and shouted, " you sick freak! get out of my sight."
 
Anyone hear about the kid who bashed another over the head with a storm drain grate?

Apparently, it was aggragated assualt.
 
He'll yell at you about butts and then levitate mid-air before a genuine street audience!
 
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Kill yourself.
 
Why did people take Galileo more seriously after he came down from the Leaning Tower?

Because his balls had dropped.
 
Two old ladies went to pick blueberries, but the another one didn't fit inside.




If that doesn't make you laugh it means you are dead inside.
 
A bishop came into our church today. He was clearly an impostor.




He never once moved diagonally.
 
Whats black, white and hides in caves?

A Zebra who owes money.


tehdumtsk.
 
Who is white, engaged to John Kerry, and carrying a Caucasian child?

Chase Blaine.
 
What get when you cross a redneck with an asylum.

Chase Blaine.
 
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