Latvian Jokes

[ríomhaire]

Latvian Jokes (Best read in stereotypical Eastern Bloc accent)

• Man is hungry. He steal bread feed family. Get home, find all family have sent Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm!
  
  
• Three men are in ship. One Latvian, one Russian, one Lithuanian. Lithuanian take out one bottle wodka. Russian kill Lithuanian, then drink wodka. Then Latvian wait until Russian drink self to sleep, then kill. Is end.
  
  
• How is get one-arm Latvian out of tree?
  Is no one-arm Latvian! Why you silly? All go Center for Great Peaceful Physical Reassignment. You no ask.
  
  
• Knock knock
  Who’s there?
  Latvian.
  Latvian who?
  Please open door. Is cold.
  
  
• Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son's body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat.
  
  
• Latvian psychiatrist tell me to drown troubles. Go home and ask wife go swimming. Trouble over. More potato for me.
  
  
• What are one potato say other potato?
  Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?
  
  
• Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, "Why so long face?" Latvian say, "I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby."
  
  
• Latvian walk into bar with poodle under one arm and salami under other. Eat salami first.
  
  
• Soviet Russia potato have Latvian!
  
  
• Latvian is capture by cannibals. Cannibals say, “We are kill you and eat you and use skin for canoe. But you may choose means of your death.” Latvian say, “Okay! You are give me fork, please!” But oops! Is forgot how use!
  
  
• Why six is afraid seven? Because seven have many friend politburo.
  
  
• Three Latvian are brag about sons. “My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Latvian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad.

 

[Tyguy]

damn, forgot this wasn't reddit as I attempted to down vote the hell out of you...i even applied the accent and they weren't funny.

how dare you.

 

[Azner]

I smiled at the 'Who have two potato' one.

 

[Eejit]

Loved them

 

[Laivasse]

This is my kind of humour.

 

[AJ Rimmer]

Haha, is funny because true. Latvian life very hard. But I no complain, or arrested.

Please send potatoe.

 

[Remus]

Haha, is funny because true.

That's why I don't find it funny. :|

 

[Eejit]

Aw come on, the knock-knock one was gold.

 

[Emporius]

Latvian is rub lamp find genii. Genii say, “What is three wishes?” Latvian say, “I wish potato!” Then, POOF! Potato! Latvian so happy! “Oh! Is potato! Is potato!” say Latvian. Genii ask, “What is next wish?” Latvian is say, “I wish you go away so can enjoy potato!” POOF! Too bad. Also, was only lamp.

 

[Solaris]

Two Latvian walk into cafe. They order lunch. No lunch left. Is winter.

How many Latvian to change lightbulb? Impossible, lightbulb production quota not met.

Why Latvian cross road? To go re-education camp.

 

[AJ Rimmer]

Three Latvians are walking in park. Boom- Soviet invade. Is no Latvia any more.

 

[Stigmata]

Latvian is rub lamp find genii. Genii say, “What is three wishes?” Latvian say, “I wish potato!” Then, POOF! Potato! Latvian so happy! “Oh! Is potato! Is potato!” say Latvian. Genii ask, “What is next wish?” Latvian is say, “I wish you go away so can enjoy potato!” POOF! Too bad. Also, was only lamp.

LOL

Best so far.

 

[Emporius]

How many Latvian to change lightbulb? Impossible, lightbulb production quota not met.

How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb?
Only one. Obtain light bulb is hard part. You have potato?

How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb?
25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.

 

[Tollbooth Willie]

You say potato. I say "For how much?"

 

[BabyHeadCrab]

I have two good friends form school who are Latvian, I love this--haha. Sending it to them.

"Three men are in ship. One Latvian, one Russian, one Lithuanian. Lithuanian take out one bottle wodka. Russian kill Lithuanian, then drink wodka. Then Latvian wait until Russian drink self to sleep, then kill. Is end."

Laughed really, really hard.

 

[Bad^Hat]

Excellent.

 

[Escaep]

More please.

 

[Sheepo]

Brilliant.

 

[mindless_moder]

These are ****ing awesome. i burst out laughing at the two potato joke.

 

[staticprimer]

I kept reading all of those with the voice of the Russian kid in Psychonauts in my head. It made it all the more hilarious.

 

[15357]

Excellent indeed.

My kind of humor: can't describe it, but lol.

 

[Robbo]

Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already rape by soldier.

Haha awesome!

 

[MuToiD_MaN]

Three Latvian are brag about sons. “My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Latvian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad.

Latvian man hear knock at door. "Who is it?" ask man. "Is Potato Man. Am delivering free potatoes door-to-door" say voice. Man rejoice. "Oh! Such a blessing! This must be wonderful dream!" Latvian open door, man say "Just kidding. Is Secret Police."

 

[Adabiviak]

Are these a modern take on the "In Soviet Russia..." jokes of the '80s, or is this genuine Latvian humor?

 

[DEATHMASTER]

I know absolutely nothing about Latvia beyond it being mentioned in social studies class. But I knew how to read it with an accent anyways, weird.
Still don't know why I found some of them funny.

 

[Mr-Fusion]

gOD ALMIGHTY

I'm at work at have almost exploded laughing.

Especially since i had a lithuanian grandad who had that kind of accent.

HAHAHAAHAH

 

[MuToiD_MaN]

Are these a modern take on the "In Soviet Russia..." jokes of the '80s, or is this genuine Latvian humor?

Probably about as genuine as In Soviet Russia jokes. They're jokes ABOUT Latvians, not Latvian humor, I'm sure. WAY better than anything Yakov Smirnov had to offer, IMO.

 

[Hazard.Squared]

Oh, god, this is amazing.

 

[CyberPitz]

Oh ****, I'm the ONLY ONE HERE who doesn't understand this stuff.

 

[Stormy]

one potato, one potao, one potato, no more potato..soldier eat potato and rape daughter..is end.

 

[Stigmata]

Three Latvians are play Hot Potato. First one say to second, "Hot potato, pass on!" Second one say, "Hot potato!" and eat. Third call politburo. All arrested for have fun.

 

[L3N!N]

a latvian said come in

don't just stand there

 

[MuToiD_MaN]

Oh ****, I'm the ONLY ONE HERE who doesn't understand this stuff.

What not to understand? The joke have potato, but Latvian man have none. Punchline is unexpected downer like Latvian life.

 

[Stigmata]

Spoiler: Pitz is Latvian

 

[Acepilotf14]

Find book in sewer, trade for potato. Politburo come next day, ask for book. Say 'no, all have is potato!'.

Politburo take potato. Now, no book or potato.

 

[15357]

The interesting thing about those jokes is that they seem to imply that Latvia has/had no real political/internal security police, like the NKVD of Soviet Russia. In all the jokes, the executive committee for the State (or, politburo) directly deals with the dissidents and perceived political criminals. It'd be like having the officials in the White House do the FBI's job. It could be that Latvia's leaders highly distrusted everyone, and took matters into their own hands, instead of relying upon a group of pseudo-military/intelligence type setting.

 

[Acepilotf14]

I believe we are talking about Soviet Latvia, when they were a satellite state of the USSR.

 

[15357]

Didn't Latvia enjoy some independence in their internal affairs?

Also, oh, from the past.

 

[Stigmata]

Also, I think there's an assumption that the politburo are largely military in nature.

 

[MuToiD_MaN]

Also, I think there's an assumption that the politburo are largely military in nature.

And that the military is largely rapey in nature.