Make parody about hl2

Wolfy Snackrib

Wolfy Snackrib

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Why not write some short fan fiction parodys about hl2 here? For example...

Alyx and Kleiner is eating lunch when suddenly Gordon accidently releases a washing machine on dr. Kleiner with the manipulator, crushing Kleiner.

Alyx: What's your problem? The only thing you've done since you got here was playing around with that damn manipulator, now go and ****ing make yourself usefull or I'll personally kick your ass!

Gordon: Aww common I was just wondering where to put the damn washingmachine!

Alyx: Well it don't belong on top of Kleiner.

10 mins later...

Gordon: Hey Alyx, I found a cute little animal, can I keep it?

Alyx: WTF!? That's a headcrab, get away from it! (Alyx draws her gun)

Gordon: If you touch my little friend here, I'll blow your brains out with my 12 gauge shotgun, biatch!

Headcrab looks cute but then make a leap and attaches to Alyx. Alyx runs around trying to get it off but it just results her running into stuff destroying the lab.

Gordon: See? I told you he was nice. He likes you :)!

Gordon goes bored and go out for some fresh air when suddenly a few soldiers of the combine spots him.

Soldier 1: Freeze! Youre under arrest!

Gordon: What for?

Soldier 1: Uhmm... there are laws against... beards! That's right, you got a beard, I'm going to have to cuff you!

Soldier 2: I have a beard, you never said anything about it being illegal!

Soldier 1 shoots soldier 2 in the face.

Soldier 3: Dead or alive youre coming with us!

Gordon: Can I atleast bring this washing machine?

Soldier 1: No you may not.

Gordon pushes the wrong button so instead of releasing it he shoots it against the soldiers, thereby crushing them.

Gordon: Ehem, oops. I hope this ain't gonna affect our friendship.

To be continued unless it sucked...
 
It's pretty good, but I have a few suggestions. First, try not to use "Ain't." It's accepted dialect in some places, but in most it is not. Try to use "isn't" in its place. Second, comics aren't as funny with vulgarities in them. I recommend changing Alyx's first line where she says, "...now go and ****ing make yourself usefull or I'll personally kick your ass!" and also when Gordon says, "If you touch my little friend here, I'll blow your brains out with my 12 gauge shotgun, biatch!"

Otherwise I liked it, you should keep writing them.
 
Part 2.

Alyx and Kleiner have been cured somehow and Gordon gets to keep his little pet the headcrab. They call him "Scabs". Dr. Kleiner is working on a machine that somehow can convert playboy mags into ravioli. Alyx is out walking Dog.

Gordon: You should give it up Kleiner, ravioli tastes like crap you know...

Kleiner: Nonsense! With this machine I could take over the world. When everybody hear about the ravioli they will come for dinner and they will become addicted to it, Muahahaha!

Gordon starts playing with matches and set the whole thing on fire.

Kleiner: Get away from there, Gordon! Oh you idiot, that machine took me 10 minutes to build.

Gordon lifts up Kleiner with the manipulator and feeds him to their tame sharks.

Alyx is back.

Alyx: Hey, Gordon, have you seen Kleiner?

Gordon: Yeah, he's feeding the sharks...

Alyx: I see... wanna go and mess around with the combine?

Gordon: Yeah sure why not, I got bored anyways.

Alyx: Hey Dog, come along.

Gordon: Come here, Scabs, let's piss them combine wussies off!

G-man arrives and start giving Gordon instuctions.

G-man: Gordon Freeman, I have a little job for you. You must break into the combine, steal their milk and put some of it in my coffee. If you would succeed then I might buy you that new car there's alot of talk about.

Gordon: Sure, we were heading there anyways. Hey wait a min, all this just because you want some good coffee!?

G-man: Is that a problem?

Gordon:...............nope.

Gordon, Alyx, Dog and Scabs head outside to get to the combine.

Alyx: What's the plan?

Gordon: First we keep nagging them guards about how interesting maths can be so they will fall asleep, then we'll steal their costumes and then we head into the combine.

Dog: Meow.

Alyx beats Dog up.

Alyx: Are we there yet, are we there yet, are we there yet!?

Gordon: Another 5 more minutes maybe.

3 hours later.

Gordon: Finally, here we are.

Guards: Hey, youre not allowed to come here!

Gordon: Silence, did you know that math is so cleaver that 5 + 5 - 3 is 7?

All the guards fall to the ground of boredom and sleepyness.

Gordon: Groovy, let's get this stuff on.

Gordon and Alyx puts the guards suits on.

Gordon: Here Scabs...

Gordon put a helmet onto Scabs.

Alyx ties Dog to a pole.

Gordon opens a door and they are heading into the combine. They end up at the toilets.

Guard 1: You know when I'm in here I think about cheese.

Guard 2: Must be the smell.

Guard 3: Great I just lost my appetite... no wait cheese you say? Mmm... I'm out to get some cheese.

Alyx: We must not let him get the cheese.

Gordon cleaverly use the manipulator to lift up a toilet and crush the soldier with it.

Alyx: Look there, a map... okay... we must go that way.

Gordon and Alyx walk on for about 10 minutes and then they find their goal.

Alyx: Look, There's a cow!

Gordon: Hell no, I ain't milking that cow, THIS WAS NOT IN THE JOB DESCRIPTION!!!

Alyx: Allright I'll do it, give me a bucket.

5 minutes later.

Alyx: All done, let's get out of here.

*ALARM ALARM, HAVE MILKED THE COW WITHOUT PERMISSION!*

Gordon: Aww great, RUN!!!

Scabs runs his butt off and hide in the clauset and gnaws his way through the walls to find a way out.

Gordon: Act natural...

Soldier 525: What do you guys think about special division 51?

Gordon: ...uhh what division number huh?

Soldier 526: CEASE THEM, EVERYBODY KNOWS ABOUT SPECIAL DIVISION 51!!!

Soldier 527: Divi what? I don't know.

All the soldiers starts to beat up soldier 527 and that gives Gordon and Alyx a chance to sneak out of there.

Alyx unties Dog and they make a run for it.

Gordon: Okay only a 3 hour walk home... unless... hey can't we ride on Dog?

Alyx: Good point...

Gordon and Alyx jump up on dog who makes sounds like a horse and they run home. Scabs made it there and he crabs something to hold on Dog. When finally home...

G-man: I am very pleased about the milk. Here's your new car...

G-man snaps his fingers and a few slaves drags a wheelchair onto place.

Gordon: That's no car, YOU TRICKED ME!?

G-man: It is... a car...

Gordon: That's the last time you ever trick me you damn old man! Scabs, GET HIM!!

Scabs leap onto G-mans face.

G-man: MPPHH GLMERRRMM!!! ARGH!!!

G-man runs around bumping into things and totally makes a mess in the lab.

Gordon: Now what to do with this wheelchair?

Alyx: Let's donate it to my mother, I mean father... he only has one leg anyways.

Gordon: Good idea, insult him muahahaha.

To be continued...
 
agreed, i liked the part with soldier 527 and division 15 :D:D
 
This is good but I thought I heard (possible spoiler):

That Dr. Kleiner had a pet headcrab
In one of the XSI Tutorial movies.
 
(Gordon Is In Bed Sleeping)
G-Man: Its time to wake up, Mr. Freeman, wake up and... smell the ashes.
Gordon: uhhhrggg... wtf?
G-Man: Its time for school, oh and uh... I accidentally burnt your waffles.
Gordon: *cough*n00b*cough*
G-Man: Have a nice day at school sweety.
 
Alyx: Freeman, we have to go! Run!
Freeman:...
Akyx: Freeman?!
Freeman: Im playing with the Manipulator, lay off you agonizing bitch!
 
im not too good at this
G-man:We have been rather...busy in you absence Gordon
Gordon:huh??wtf...ohh do you mean when i was in the bathroom?
G-man:erm...yeahh
Gordon:soo..what is it??
G-man:Whats what?
Gordon:The thing you were working on when I was on the toilet
G-man: Oh yes, i got you a movey-stuff-aroundy gun thingy...
Kleiner:ITS THE MANIPULATOR DAMN IT!, oh yeah and you left the cheese out, now its all moldy and dry like some old person...
G-man:cheese....cheese.....i dont have any cheese....wait...you are talking about my grandpa!!!!
Kleiner:cheese....grandpa...same difference, anyway your GRANDPA is being eaten by maggots...
G-man:NOOOOOOOO
Gordon:dont worry, ill buy you a new grandpa
G-man:but i got that one for my birthday!!!
Kleiner:dont be a baby
G-man:HHEEERRRRGGLLLIITTTTCH!!
*G-man uses the manipulator to squash Kleiner with a peice of hay*
Gordon:YAY now we have a haystack, i always wanted one of those
 
I am not good at this either


<gordon is sitting in a chair with the manipulator, lifting up spoons>

Kliener: Gordon dont waste the energy of the--

Gordon: SHUT UP MORTAL

<Gordan throws a spoon at Kliener>

Kliener: Argh I have been spoon poisned

<G-man walks in> *ovation*

G-man: Honey Im home

Gordon: Do you want some garlic?

G-man: Okay

<G-man is eating the garlic>

Gordon: YOU FOOL! That is not garlic I have given you, it is relish!

<G-man collapses and says ARGH RELISH! as he shrivels up>

<A combine pokes his head of a magic toaster that magically appeared>

Combine: FREEMAN <In a drill seargents voice>

There you go, a nice piece of crap for you
 
Gman: Good-day Mr.Shepard

Shepard: Wait a second, do I get food on this opsrey?

Gman: Uhhh, **opens book of quotes** You will have to wait and-

Shepard: No, dude, I'm serious, the only thing I ate today was like a bagel I found in the cafeteria.

Gman: Uhhh, I have some gum, and a quarter

Shepard: Well then I can't stay here man, plus I gotta take a crap the size of Elvis right now, why can't you put me in the tram with Gordon? Atleast then I can play cards with him for eternity.

Gman: WELL I'M SORRY THAT IT DIDN'T MEET YOUR REQUIREMENTS!!! **sobbing** It's my first time doing this! GIMMIE A BREAK!

Shepard: Awww, come here man, gimmie a hug

**They hug**

Shepard: Yoink, I got your briefcase, maybe I'll see YOU up ahead....dumbass, nobody f**ks over the USMC.

Gman: NOOOO, GIMMIE THAT BACK! I CAN'T STAND LIVING ALONE!

**Shepard walks through portal**

Gman: Well, there is always a sequel **lights up a cig**
 
Gordon is blowing up some important stuff in Kleiners lab cause he's bored but Kleiner doesn't notice because he's working on a really ineresting invention.
Alyx comes running: We gotta get out of here! SCANNERS!
Gordon looks at the "scanners"
Gordon: Hey that's not scanners, it's just some computer geeks who were spying on you in your shower!
Alyx: How do you know?
Gordon: Don't you know about the great organisation that I am part of that pretty much spend their spare time to get a good look of you in the shower?
Alyx is very upset and runs away to cry.
Gordon thinks back at the last meeting...

Gordon, G-man and a few other geeks are watching Alyx as she is showering.
G-man drewls and says: Well well.. isn't this just like... old times?
Gordons pet headcrab jumps up and down to get a better look.
The computer geeks are capturing the moment with their brand new digital video cameras.

Kleiner: There finally, this is my new invention, it will give us the victory in this war against the combine!
Gordon:..........
Gordon throws a grenade at the machine and it blows up.
Kleiner fall down on his knees and shouts: TRAITOR!!!
Gordon: Huh? Was it something I said?
Gordons pet headcrab rolls around on the floor laughing.
G-man: Gordon, there is something that you need to do for me.
Gordon: What?
G-man: Rice and shine and smell the ashes.
Gordon: THAT'S DISGUSTING!!!
Gordon uses the manipulator to carry G-man out of their HQ and throws him away in a dumpster.
G-man: Pay attention mr. Freeman, I'm only going to say this once... UP YOURS!!!
Gordon shuts the door and lock it behind him.
 
G-man: Hey lady, could i get some peanuts over here?
Stewardess: Ok whatever
Everyone looks at gordon because hes in his orange HEV suit
Gordon: See? I told you we should have taken the teleporter
Stewardess: Here are your peanuts...
The peanuts fall, and get stuck in some fat guys crack
G-man: Ok, lets go...
Gordon: Go where?
G-man: Weeeeeeeee
Gordon: OMG Whyd he jump out of the plane??? I need to save him!!
Gordon jumps out of the plane
Gordon meets up with the G-man in midair
Gordon: So...how do we stop ourselves
G-man: I dunno about you, but i got a parachute
Gordon: Oops...
G-man: 0.o
G-man suddenly pulls the rip cord, deploying his parachute
Gordon: ...not good
Gordon's HEV suit: Muliple compound fractures detected, applying antiseptic spray
Gordon: Ow that stuff stings, i like the neosporin better
Gordon's HEV suit: Ok, ok...applying neosporin...
Gordon: Hey g-man i beat you....
G-man: Well at least i didnt have to use any neosporin
 
i have written ROFL many times in my life. only rarely have i actually done it though. this stuff is brilliant, you people are geniuses and should get some sort of cash prize from valve, and all this stuff should be included in the HL2 collector's edition box.
 
Contains (minor) bad language :)

G-Man: Wake up Mr. Freeman. Wake up and...
Gordon: What!? What did I do?
G-Man: Many questions you have..all will be answered soon. Within time.
Gordon: Right.. So.. where the hell am I?
G-Man: Erm.. well it says here..let me see... ah here we go: ''Drill Gordon of position and, should be necessary, force into obedience''
Gordon: What are you? Stupid? I asked you where I am!
G-Man: Dont worry, I'll get to that part. Now then, here we go: The year is 2010. You have been selected to yada yada etc...cause Resistance to revolt yada yada..destruction..combine..hour has come..
Gordon: What the hell 'ave you been smoking, sonny?
G-Man: It's good for my health.
Gordon: For f-
G-Man: Do not try to bend the spoon. That is impossible. Instead, try to realise the truth.
Gordon: What the HELL are you on about!?
G-Man: I see your questions are many. I have not time to answer all. But there was a bird in an orange can. Parrots like peanuts. Time? What is time? Xen? That's where the mailman comes from. In the meanwhile, this is where I get off.
Gordon: *mumbles* crackhat..
G-Man: I heard that...why are you running around in an orange suit anyways?
Gordon: This suit, the Mark-692, happens to be a very exclusive suit that protects me against hazardous enviroments--
G-Man: Where'd you get it?
Gordon: Uhm..well...err...it was in this tube...
G-Man: So all the sudden everything you find is exclusive, huh?
Gordon: No, but this suit--
G-Man: ENOUGH OF THE SUIT ALREADY! Do you care about ANYBODY but yourself?
Gordon: Well, that's not very nice...
G-Man: Oh bohoo, cry me a river! Pansy!
Gordon: What's your problem?
G-Man: Why? Your dumb to? Obviously YOUR my problem! Get outta here!
Gordon: Oh ye, if I'm such a problem, why do you keep invading my head with stupid dreams?!
G-Man: Well how about you scale down that head, it's taking enough space already!
Gordon: Well if you wouldn't--
G-Man: LALALALALA cant hear you LALALLAA--
Gordon: Oh f*ck this, I'm going home.

As Gordon passes by a citizen he overhears him whispering:
Citizen: (whisper) I didn't see you get on..
Gordon: (shouting) AND WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM THEN!?
Citizen: 'Scuse me?
Gordon: Stop standing there like a drooling fool making stupid remarks already!
Citizen: Well, I cant help it really..
Gordon: What?
Citizen: I'm programmed to..
Gordon: Oh, right. I'd.. oh. Well...oh. What are you doing?
Citizen: I'm reading the newspaper.
Gordon: Oh.. I'd better go.
Citizen: Mmyes, you'd better.
Gordon: I'm just...er..gonna go now.
Citizen: Yes, I think that would be for the best. Move along now...

As Gordon get's off the train, a huge black cloud draws by and Gordon's suit goes soaking wet.

Gordon: (Shouting to the sky): THANKS ALOT FOR THAT ONE! HOW ABOUT SOME HAIL WHILE YOUR AT IT! YOU SADIST! *points finger*

Gordon continues to marches, mumbling evil things about evil people etc, when a guard comes up to him.

Guard: YOU! CITIZEN! THIS WAY!

He pointed at a little walkway with steel fences on the side leading to a little ''room'' of fences where security guards and cameras we're standing.

Gordon looked at the guard like if he didn't understand a thing.

Guard: Citizen! MOVE IT!

Gordon picked up a piece of paper, wrote something down on it and showed it to the guard.

Guard: Deaf? Huh? Well can you hear this?

Here the Guard made such an annoying sound it cannot be described with a thousand words. Everybody around him throwed themselves to the ground and started screaming in agony.

Guard: I can keep doing this forever...
Gordon: ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! I'M GOING! Geez Louise, calm down!
Guard: C'mon then! Let's get on with it! 'Avent got all day, you know! (British accent)

Gordon hurried up through the walkway and, after being nudged and pointed by the guards to the right direction, he stood in the little room of fences. Behind him was the way to the train station. In front of him was a fence with the words saying ''No P e t'' As he walked towards the fence a guard stopped him.

Guard: Citizen!
Gordon: That'd be me! Always nice to talk to a fellow supresser! So, how's life?
Guard: Identification!
Gordon: Just what I thought! Let's see *Gordon picks up a piece of papers and writes something on it, then hands it to the guard)
Guard: You may pass.
Gordon: What's ''No P e t''?
Guard: Oh, right.. It's supposed to say Nova Prospekt, but due to a budget cut we cant afford a new sign.
Gordon: Hmm? A budget cut ey? *Gordon flicks the Guard's uniform, made of steel* Wow, shiny as a day, not even a piece of dust! My god! Is that a golden label?
Guard: Are you implying something, citizen?
Gordon: Why, not at all! And honestly I feel accused and taunted by such an accusation from the likes of you..
Guard: Move on, citizen, for your own good.
Gordon: Right you are! Yes sir! Off we go! You odd to get that sign re-painted by the way...
Guard: Re-what? Hey you! Get back here!

Gordon quickly proceeded to march towards the train-station with trains leading to Nova Prospekt are stationed. Suddenly, a small figured, partially covered by the shadows of the recently clouded sky, stops him and shouts:

Unknown figure: Stop right there, citizen!
Gordon: What? Who is that?
Unknown figure: Down here!
Gordon: Hey there little fellow!
Unknown figure: Oh shut up! I cant help I'm short!
Gordon: Ooooh, look at the little fellow talk! Look at that cute little kid
Unknown figure: You asked for it! *shoves elbow in gordons family jewels*
Gordon: (rolling in pain): Oww, ah god that hurts, oww god.. (slowly rises up). Ok, ok.. oww.. so, who are you anyways.. aww geez..
Unknown figure: I'm the little evil gremlin guarding the trains. And you can't pass!
Gordon: What? Why not?
The little evil Gremlin: Because I say so!
Gordon: And what does that has to do about it?
The little evil Gremlin: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
Gordon: Haha, what's that little thingie? Ooh, got a little dagger, 'ave we?
The little evil Gremlin: Watch it, mortal! This happens to be the cursed sword of Hitmni-something! *Pokes Gordon with the sword!*
Gordon: Oh geez! That hurts! Oh good god not again...
The little evil Gremlin: Now, move back or face the wrath of my sword, nowadays known as the sword of poking people where it hurts!
Gordon: OK! O-K!

Gordon slowly moved back into the little fenced area, room if you may. Suddenly both the doors shut and guards stood outside them. The cameras we're taking pictures like crazy and a guard came out ordering him to follow. Gordon did as he said, with the other horrible run-ins with guards constantly in mind. As he followed the guard he saw a guard interrogating a person in a chair in a cell. He took the liberty of looking in.

Interrogated guy: This gotta be some kind of mistake! I got a standard 5% ofo vegetables coupon, just like everybody else!
Interrogator: Shut up, and be still, citizen!

As Gordon looked in he seemed to draw attention to the guard interrogating the citizen, so he went up to Gordon and stared into his eyes, then pulled his nose and said ''Got your nose!'' before slamming the hatch.

Gordon fell to the ground and shouted:

Ah geez! Oh f*ck! Ah god that hurts! YOU IDIOT! YOU BROKE MY NOSE!

The guard opened the hatch slowly, staring at Gordon.

Guard: Look, idiot, I just took your nose, you cant have pain in it!

He then shut the door and went back to the interrogating.

When the guard leading Gordon looked back to see what the hell he was doing, Gordon quickly rose looked at the guard and went:

-What? What!? Alright, I faked it, let's get this show on the road (*mumble* you dumbass)

The guard let him in to a room, turned off the cameras, looked the door. By this time Gordon awaited a proper beating, maybe even death, but when the person unmasked himself, Gordon was calmed. It was Barney, his 'ol pal from Black Mesa.

'Bout that beer I owed you, he said with a grinning smile.

Gordon: Ye! What abou that beer? You've been nagging about that god damn beer for years! AM I GONNA GET THAT BEER SOMETIME!? Your such a moron, Barney.
Barney: What? Are you pulling some joke here? Cause if you are, it aint funny.
Gordon: Me? Joking? Now what's make you think that?
Barney: Gordon, friend, what the hell are you talking about?
Gordon: I'M TALKING ABOUT THAT BEER YOU OWE ME SINCE BLACK MESA!
Barney: Erm.. Gordon.. that was like, what, 10 years ago?
Gordon: I DONT CARE! I WANT THAT BEER! NOW!
Barney: My god your silly (hears a knock on the door). Oh sh*t, inspection! Quick get in the chair!

Gordon hopped onto the chair, leaned backwards in a comfy position, pulled up a 10 year old comic and started to read.

Three guards came bursting in.

Guard 1: What's going on here?
Guard 2: What are you doing here?
Guard 3: Hey, why's that moron reading a comic?

Barney (in disguise): Dont worry fellows, he's reading the laws of the Combine. He's being recruited to the Civil Protection squad. You DO know about the civil protection squad?

Guard 1: Erm.. yes, of course. Good work friend.
Guard 2: Ahh yes, right! That old law-book. Have I told you about the time--
Guard 3: What book? What laws?
Guard 2: --when we all gathered around the campfire and Johnny--
Guard 1: Somebody shut this guy up! He's blowing our cover (Guard 3)
Guard 3: WHAT BOOK!?

Guard 1 reaches for his pistol, pulls it up, and in a nonchalant way blows the head of Guard 3.

Guard 1 (by this time covered in blood): Very well, carry on.

Gordon slowly walked out of the door, carrying his comic as some sort of protection against the evil guards.


Isn't the greatest, I blame I'm tired and depressed..
 
I think its cool, but gordon still shouldn't speak. You can't imagine him going "awww c'mon"
 
You cant imagine G-man being neither good nor evil, nor talking with Barneys voice either...
 
Cheese is cool I'm glad it says the word cheese. O and Alyx needs to kick Freemans ass!
 
Your writing is great Snackrib. Is there any more coming?
 
Wolfy those sories are ace, keep em comin. Oh and in my opinion dont listen to the first guy who posted just write it the way you wanna write it. Keep em comin...oh did I say that already.
 
hehehe
Gordon Freeman, I have a little job for you. You must break into the combine, steal their milk and put some of it in my coffee.
I can imagine him actually saying that
 
What about HalfLife-StarWars parody?
Crowbars as lightsabers, Gordon as lord vader, G-man as imperator, barney as Obi Van, Combines as StormTroopers, Gordon's son as Luke,...
If you played HL1, you could noticed photo of any baby in Freeman's cabinet, that can be his son.
 
How about Grill-Life?

Starring a griller of Black Angus restraunt, Gordon Foreman, and the invading monks from Zen! And you have a big battle with Nehimonk (pronounced: Knee High Monk)

Then GL2, where Gordon Foreman must battle the Combination, a group of aliens that took control of the working class of Earth and the monks of Zen!
 
funny stuff, i don't think I can think of something that funny, but I'll see what I can do, good stuff
lol!!!



"...I like...,, Eggs!"
 
or indeed half-wit. Gordon freeman is no longer an MIT-educated physicist with a doctorate, but a village idiot who somehow winds up working for the black mesa facility (He just turned up one day by mistake and nobody bothered to ask what he was doing there). He decides that the best outfit for fighting an alien army is fluorescent orange, rather than some form of camouflage, and fights the invading Xen hordes and later the combine with nothing but a piece of cheese
from the microwave in the canteen in "Anomalous Materials"

In the end, GMan concludes that Freeman is in fact just a lucky idiot, and tricks him (by using a load of official-sounding jargon) into going into stasis in order to preserve the intelligence of the gene pool.

-----

Another idea is that the GMan is nothing more than a salesman who decided that a big lab full of physicists would be the perfect place to sell his wares. Unfortunately he never got the chance to sell anything after the Resonance Cascade Scenario, so he tries to make his way out. He gets along by slapping a Black Mesa sticker on his briefcase and impersonating a govenment official and looking mysterious when anyone's about.

He stumbles upon a device that can alter the SpaceTime continuum and, realising that he could make a fortune with it, recruits Gordon Freeman to help him sell units of it.

Thus begins Half-Life 2: Selling the portal

*bell rings*
*door opens*
Homeowner: Hello
GMan: Hi, would you be interested in seeing what I have to sell?
*homeowner slams door, goes into kitchen*
GMan: It's really a remarkable device
Homeowner: How did you get in here?
GMan: All will be revealed in the course of, well, I'm not really at liberty to say...
Homeowner: So who's this other person then, the one in the orange suit?
Gordon: ...
Homeowner: ah, the strong, silent type then, so I guess I maight as well ask you what you sell
GMan: I am in possession of a device that can alter the SpaceTime continuum by manipulating quanta of certain par...
Homeowner: English, please
GMan: Very well, this marvellous machine can be yours for a once-in-a-lifetime bargain price! Carefully looked after and stolen from a top secret government research facility that was attacked by aliens...
Homeowner: You're drunk aren't you?
GMan: SILENCE!
(Gordon gives the GMan a look of confusion)
GMan: Not you! Him! (points to homeowner) *clears throat* anyway... (goes back into salesman mode) this machine allows for the creation of portals, allowing you to move from one place to another almost instantaneously.
Homeowner: So that's how you got in here
GMan: Actually, no, you left the window open and I used Gordon's sprint function
Homeowner: So what could I use this machine for?
GMan: Lots of things! You could go to alien worlds, fight against intergalactic armies of remarkable sizes
Homeowner: You are drunk, get out of my house!
GMan: Very well, you leave me with no choice *snaps fingers*
*gordon gets out crowbar and whacks homeowner*

not very good...
 
This is hilarious, especially what Graius posted. Someone post more, I can't come up with anything

Well I just realised this thread is relatively old...but I guess it doesn't matter since this part of the forums is a bit quiet anyway
 
Kleiner's lab. Kleiner, in the foreground, is working on a device. Gordon, in the background is playing around with his gravity gun, trying to open the XXL-refrigerator and grab himself a beer.

Kleiner: "Hey Gordon, take a look at this!"

Gordon switches off the gravity gun and walks over to Kleiner.

Kleiner: "I've modified the teleporter to carry bigger amounts of beings. Let me demonstrate this to you!"

Kleiner presses a button and a bunch of headcrabs is appearing over a cage in the background and falling through its open top.

Kleiner (turning his head towards the cage): "Excellent! Let me tell you how this improved teleprter works..."

At this point,Kleiner is starting to brabble some highly scientific stuff while continuing work on his new teleporter. Gordon, obviously bored, walks up to the cage to take a closer look.

Kleiner: "Blah...improved capacity....new crystals..."

Gordon tries to play with one of the headcrabs, by holding his index finger in front of its mouth and pulling his finger away when the crab tries to snap it.

Kleiner: "...yadda,yadda...teleporting rebel army..."

Suddenly Gordon has a painful expression on his face. He raises his arm - the headcrab has bitten itself into Gordon's hand and is chewing on it. Gordon is violently trying to shake the headcrab off his hand, loses his balance and falls into the cage. Immediately, all the headcrabs in the cage are throwing themselves on him.

Kleiner hasn't noticed a thing and continues his brabbling, while Gordon raises from the bunch of headcrabs, gets his crowbar out and whacks the living hell out of them.

Kleiner has stopped fiddling around on his teleporter and starts hacking something into its control panel. He still doesn't have a clue what's going on behind him and continues his brabbling.

Meanwhile, Gordon evades the attack of a poisoned headcrab and then gives it the final hit with his crowbar. He is standing in the cage for a few more seconds, covered with remains of headcrabs and their blood when suddenly an even bigger bunch of head craps appears over him. Gordon looks above, with his jaw to the floor and then tries to run, but the crabs are already falling down on him.

Kleiner: "Yeehaw! See, Gordon, it works again! Now let's try this with a more humanoid creature."

While there are sounds of dieing headcrabs are coming from below the pile, a posoned zombie appears in the cage,falling down on the pile and rolling off it to its right side. At the same moment, Gordon appears on the left side of the cage, wounded, with broken glasses, panting and a blood covered crowbar.

Kleiner: "Hm,needs some more tweaking for multiple humanoid cratures. Wait a second, Gordon."

Kleiner starts fiddling around on the teleporter again.
Gordon turns around in the cage and sees the zombie. Both are getting a shock seeing each other at first, but now they're changing their faces' expressions to anger. They're standing like cowboys on opposite sides of the cage, ready to pull their weapons. Gordon pulls his crowbar, the zombie one of his poisoned headcrabs. Gordon whacks the headcrab against the wall like a baseball player and also does so with the other three fired by the poisoned zombie. The zombie, now out of ammo throws himself onto Gordon, along with the rest of the headcrabs in the cage.

Kleiner still doesn't notice a thing.

The cage is now quiet, no major actions in the cage. Suddenly a "click" and then the whole bunch of headcrabs plus the zombie are sent flying through the lab and burst on the walls and on the ceiling. Gordon, his grav gun in one of his hands, is standing there, totally exhausted, with blood all over his HEV suit and parts of headcrabs hanging in his hair. He climbs out of the cage and walks up to Dr. Kleiner who has by now finished his mechanical work on the teleporter.

Kleiner: "Alright now, let's try this again with even more zombies."

The expression on Gordon's face changes from exhausted to shocked and finally to panic, he pulls his crowbar and beats Dr. Kleiner up.
Black.
 
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