Stigmata
The Freeman
- Joined
- Jun 2, 2003
- Messages
- 15,904
- Reaction score
- 371
Some of you might recall that since early November I had a little bit of a mental breakdown due to depression and all that lovely stuff. Some of you might not, but that's alright. The point is, nearly three months later I'm happier and less depressed, but still not out of the woods. I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself, and about others, and thinking about how to combat my depression. Regular therapy sessions, eating a bit better, and seeing more friends more often has helped. There's a bit of light weed usage in there as well, mostly used as a social lubricant and a stress reliever.
The weed was an interesting variable. Not only did it relieve my stress and help me relax, it also suppressed my tendencies to over-think anything and everything that popped into my mind. And in a weird way, while I was high life felt more like it should. Colors popped. Music was emotionally charged. I allowed conversations to flow naturally, rather than focusing on the rules and criteria of social interaction. I saw things for what they were and what they did - not for what they were made of and what their fundamental design was like. In short, I felt more alive.
It wasn't the drugs that made me feel alive. The drugs made me feel fuzzy and slow. The thing that really made me feel normal? Not thinking.
I've spent so many years thinking about everything that I could. At school, my mind would wander, but always to something that required the utmost attention of my frontal lobes. When I talked to people, I was constantly aware of the position of my facial muscles, the texture of my voice, always feeling awkward and out of place and never knowing how to relax. I'd spend hours lying in bed, trying desperately to get some sleep, but instead unwillingly pondering philosophy, physics, math, and politics until my brain shut off from exhaustion. And all this time I just needed to stop thinking.
Now the problem is, I don't know how to keep it up for long periods of time. I've been suppressing my mind on and off for the past couple of weeks now, but not with much success. Even now I'm having problems; when I started this post I was relaxed, but now I'm overthinking things again and feeling agitated and unhappy. Today I've tried long showers, lying in bed, watching TV, reading the paper, reading a book, and repeatedly forcing myself to stop thinking, but none of them have much success.
So I ask of all of you: Does anyone on this forum know of a good, drug-free way to help my mind relax itself? I'd really like to be able to not be depressed anymore
The weed was an interesting variable. Not only did it relieve my stress and help me relax, it also suppressed my tendencies to over-think anything and everything that popped into my mind. And in a weird way, while I was high life felt more like it should. Colors popped. Music was emotionally charged. I allowed conversations to flow naturally, rather than focusing on the rules and criteria of social interaction. I saw things for what they were and what they did - not for what they were made of and what their fundamental design was like. In short, I felt more alive.
It wasn't the drugs that made me feel alive. The drugs made me feel fuzzy and slow. The thing that really made me feel normal? Not thinking.
I've spent so many years thinking about everything that I could. At school, my mind would wander, but always to something that required the utmost attention of my frontal lobes. When I talked to people, I was constantly aware of the position of my facial muscles, the texture of my voice, always feeling awkward and out of place and never knowing how to relax. I'd spend hours lying in bed, trying desperately to get some sleep, but instead unwillingly pondering philosophy, physics, math, and politics until my brain shut off from exhaustion. And all this time I just needed to stop thinking.
Now the problem is, I don't know how to keep it up for long periods of time. I've been suppressing my mind on and off for the past couple of weeks now, but not with much success. Even now I'm having problems; when I started this post I was relaxed, but now I'm overthinking things again and feeling agitated and unhappy. Today I've tried long showers, lying in bed, watching TV, reading the paper, reading a book, and repeatedly forcing myself to stop thinking, but none of them have much success.
So I ask of all of you: Does anyone on this forum know of a good, drug-free way to help my mind relax itself? I'd really like to be able to not be depressed anymore