So I'm depressed

[Stigmata]

As a foreword: I'm not looking for whiny assholes to wax ****ing-retarded on how depression is a made-up disease. If you are one of these people, go away. I probably wouldn't want to talk to you if I were happy either.

So yeah, here goes.

I realized a few things about myself today. It begins with two of my friends. One of them goes on this forum sometimes so there's no point in disguising names or identities; it's my two friends Sadie (my ex) and Joel (my best friend). Right now I'm fairly pissed at them because it's blatantly clear that they're **** buddies, and neither of them seems to be willing to tell me about this. It's not just "Oh, they seem to be hanging out pretty often, I wonder if they like each other?" It's "Sadie spent last night at Joel's; I left at 11, she had school at 8, and she says she only got three hours of sleep. Gee, I wonder what in the world could she have been doing?" I didn't talk to either of them for the entire month of October, and the situation was exactly the same at the end of September. I might be wrong, as you'll see I'm not exactly in the best state of mind. But I do know they've done this before.

And so I was over there again today, and when thinking about this I realized a lot of things about my personality, and the kind of person that I am, that I've either forgotten or covered up with the facade that I put on. I've essentially tricked myself into believing I'm someone completely different, and what I am is a truly and deeply flawed human being.

I am intensely emotionally violent. I have powerful and sometimes frequent mood swings, possibly bi-polar disorder. I am slowly becoming a pathological liar. I am quite possibly racist at my core, though I do whatever I can to counteract this. I am overwhelmingly lazy; I procrastinate with absolutely everything I do, and I have a total lack of drive to do anything for myself. I have gone to a total of four classes out of 18 in the past two weeks, and I am definitely failing at least one. I have a severely addictive personality; I haven't been able to stop biting my nails or picking my nose since grade four. I refuse to take responsibility for any of my actions or feelings, and blame it on the actions or feelings of others. I have a "Peter Pan complex", and I absolutely dread growing up and taking responsibility for my future. I am a jealous person, and I hate myself for it. My greatest fear is failure, to the point where I am often unable to even say "Hi" to people, for fear of rejection. I have zero self-confidence, partly due to my eczema (which, aside from being incurable, has caused significant psychological harm to myself). Because of this I find it almost impossible to succeed at anything; if I'm good at something then I'm bound to fail somewhere, and if I'm bad at something then I've already failed. I am emotionally fragile, and I have severe problems taking any form of criticism. I have probably been depressed in some way or another for a full 5-7% of my life. I feel as though the only emotions I can feel are happiness, anger, anxiety, and sadness; I have not been able to be excited for anything since Christmas 2004, and I don't think I have the capability to love anymore.

I disgust myself in almost every way. I don't even fear death right now. I'm not suicidal, but if I were to die then I know that that would be it. That would be the end. There's no afterlife; no God and no Heaven. There are no ghosts, no spectres, no aliens, no spirits, no dreamworlds, no supernatural activities. There is nothing but atoms, radiation, and flawed perceptions. Life itself is nothing but a chemical reaction, and when I'm gone, there will be nothing left of me but flawed representations of myself in everyone's mind, all of them complete fabrications.

The me that you know is only half the person I wish I could be; the real me is a terrible person, fragmented and flawed and an awful argument for humanity's existence.

I'm calling a therapist tomorrow. I feel awful.

 

[fatchance]

All normal, you're not special at all.

Depression is a phase, comes and goes. Take a deep breath, go out for a drive and blast some music. Call up a girl and flirt.

We can't all be happy all the time.

 

[fatchance]

PS. save your money to a Therapist and get some new games.

 

[Cheomesh]

Welcome to reality. Enjoy your stay.

 

[Tollbooth Willie]

God damn man.

We still love you though Davey. It's all good.

 

[TechnoHippyChic]

I think you're being too hard on yourself. I've had existential crises before, also, but it can get better.

I would suggest a learning (i.e. not to have "fun") psychedelic experience, to reset your compass...

 

[TCfromBN]

You can't be mad at your ex unless she broke up with you and you suspect she did it to be with your best friend.

If you broke up, is she not free to be with whomever she pleases? Even if it is your best friend? Unless she's doing it specifically to make you mad.


Go out and have some fun man.

 

[Stigmata]

You can't be mad at your ex unless she broke up with you and you suspect she did it to be with your best friend.

If you broke up, is she not free to be with whomever she pleases? Even if it is your best friend? Unless she's doing it specifically to make you mad.


Go out and have some fun man.

I'm mad that they're keeping it a secret.

Cheo and fatchance: You see to have missed something. I have spent a large portion of my life pretending to be happy. I am not happy right now. I haven't been happy for more than a few days at a time in years. Telling me to just go out and do something fun, or "welcome to reality", is the least thoughtful and informative thing you could possibly say to me. You know how distant and non-understanding people sound when they tell you "Don't worry, there's always more fish in the sea" right after a breakup? Because that's what you guys sound like. It never helps. NEVER. I can't emphasize that enough.

 

[Sulkdodds]

Aw man.
I would post something long but, well, I have to sleep.
I've had some similar problems myself, recently, not so strong, but I hope I can empathise. Be cool. <3
As for your friends if she's your ex I'd theorise they are keeping it secret because they think it would piss you off and hurt you. I hope it's something like that - that they care. Maybe you should talk to one or both of them about it, emphasising that you don't mind it going on. Maybe drop subtle hints that you know and it's obvious and you're fine with it?

Therapist is a good idea. Just don't use therapistfinder.

 

[TCfromBN]

I'm mad that they're keeping it a secret.

I could see them just not bringing it up. As you seem to put it, they are avoiding it, conversationally, like the plague. And in that case, I would be frustrated as well.

What are you trying to find out?

You see to have missed something. I have spent a large portion of my life pretending to be happy. I am not happy right now. I haven't been happy for more than a few days at a time in years. Telling me to just go out and do something fun, or "welcome to reality", is the least thoughtful and informative thing you could possibly say to me. You know how distant and non-understanding people sound when they tell you "Don't worry, there's always more fish in the sea" right after a breakup? Because that's what you guys sound like. It never helps. NEVER. I can't emphasize that enough.

I'm sorry...? I think that posting this was a big mistake if you didn't want any of that. You knew it was coming.

 

[Tollbooth Willie]

I'm mad that they're keeping it a secret.

Speaking of secrets (MSN rammit you knew where I was going with this) try and have a secret relations with a midget.

I mean, that was always one of your dreams right?

 

[Shift]

I feel your pain but in a different way, the past few months have been the worse of my entire life. Mainly kicking myself over how I can never find the right girl for me, so I started slagging off the female race of Britain as a whole, and then I started blaming my mum for all who mental abuse over the years. I started uni this year, I have probably the worse attendance rating in the year, I have too many assignments to hand in but just cannot be bothered to make the effort, somedays I literally just lay in bed all day without any motivation to do anything.

But Ive calmed down a lot the past week, gained my self-assurance and self-esteem. Thought Ill just wait out until xmas, go home and relax for the three weeks, come back refreshed, and then make the effort to go to all my lessons and stay on top of the work as part of a New Years Resolution among quite a few others I plan to make, since I can just start again for the new year, better yourself almost.

But honestly what helped me through it was just talking about it to a good friend of mine, she gave me honest advice back and was always willing to listen when I wanted to talk, just talking about it helped me put the problems into perspective. Also music and my band, my greatest hobbies and ambitions at the moment got me through it too. Stay strong man.

 

[Stigmata]

I could see them just not bringing it up. As you seem to put it, they are avoiding it, conversationally, like the plague. And in that case, I would be frustrated as well.

What are you trying to find out?

They don't really avoid it. I haven't brought it up yet. I know they have before, at least once. And they're always really close, leaning on each other or (at least what I see) quickly linking hands and other things like that when they think I'm out of view.

If they aren't, then whatever, I'm wrong. If they are, then they're intentionally keeping this from me and I really don't appreciate it.

[edit] I'm asking her, right now.

 

[TCfromBN]

Well they're not just going to be like "Hay, um, were f*ck buddies now."

If you suspect it, just ask. However, don't "interrogate." That will only make it 100x more awkward.

 

[NeptuneUK]

A problem shared is a problem halved.

 

[Sulkdodds]

[edit] I'm asking her, right now.

Oh man, now I can't go to bed until she answers.

A problem shared is a problem halved.

This site has like 10, 000 members. Score!

 

[Pesmerga]

Depression is a phase, comes and goes.

Clinical depression is a disease. Not a phase. It doesn't "go away" if you "toughen up and live through it".

 

[Acepilotf14]

It's a mental illness.

 

[Irksome]

I have never personally had to deal with depression of any sort of severity - but what little advice I can give would be, to, as you mentioned, see a therapist. Having someone else who you can, in complete confidence, open your self up to, who is professionally trained to deal with such problems, can be undoubtedly extremely therapeutic and helpful.

Also, you live in Canada, so I don't know how pill happy your doctors are, but don't jump on the medication bandwagon just yet, unless you feel it's absolutely necessary. Give therapy a chance first - sometimes all people need is someone to listen.

 

[Cheomesh]

I'm mad that they're keeping it a secret.

It's not your problem.

Cheo and fatchance: You see to have missed something. I have spent a large portion of my life pretending to be happy. I am not happy right now. I haven't been happy for more than a few days at a time in years. Telling me to just go out and do something fun, or "welcome to reality", is the least thoughtful and informative thing you could possibly say to me. You know how distant and non-understanding people sound when they tell you "Don't worry, there's always more fish in the sea" right after a breakup? Because that's what you guys sound like. It never helps. NEVER. I can't emphasize that enough.

[/quote]

Ok fine. I'll do it the hard way.


I feel for you. I've been through similar stuff as well. Just like so many others. You want a magic cure? Suicide. Otherwise, man up, and get help. That's the advice every adult has ever given me on this problem, and it's the conclusion I've drawn after taking psychology classes. It's your life, you can either A) Let things bother you or B) Not let things bother you.

Your choice. They didn't make you pissed off, you CHOSE to be pissed off at the fact that they're having sex and you are not.

That's really seeming to be the underlying problem with that. I'm serious.

I would suggest a learning (i.e. not to have "fun") psychedelic experience, to reset your compass...

That's the bitches way out.

 

[TechnoHippyChic]

That's the bitches way out.

That's like, your opinion, man. Psychedelics can be very beneficial for the "soul" and looking at things in another light, and would help him alot if he were so inclined, I believe...

 

[Sulkdodds]

Considering it entirely possible that Stig is tending towards depression as a disease, it doesn't seem at all helpful to tell him he's choosing to be hurt. Since that's exactly the kind of attitude he didn't want in here, I'll ask you to leave it out, although the intention behind the advice is fair enough.

 

[Cheomesh]

That's like, your opinion, man. Psychedelics can be very beneficial for the "soul" and looking at things in another light, and would help him alot if he were so interested, I believe...

You can't look at shit when you're blasted to hell. Sitting and thinking about it is far more effective, hippie girl.

 

[Assaj_Ventress]

Hey guys?

 

[Stigmata]

I feel for you. I've been through similar stuff as well. Just like so many others. You want a magic cure? Suicide. Otherwise, man up. That's the advice every adult has ever given me on this problem, and it's the conclusion I've drawn after taking psychology classes. It's your life, you can either A) Let things bother you or B) Not let things bother you.

Your choice. They didn't make you pissed off, you CHOSE to be pissed off at the fact that they're having sex and you are not.

That's really seeming to be the underlying problem with that. I'm serious.

I'm not mad that they're having sex. I don't really care. I'm mad that they were keeping it from me. That's all. It's not complicated.

And yeah, I talked to her and they are. I won't go into detail because... well, those are her details to share, and what little she told me won't be passed on here.

 

[taviow]

I should go to sleep now, but I'm watching this thread.
Good luck man, I hope you start feeling better soon.

 

[Pesmerga]

If you really feel like you're constantly unhappy all the time, and there are very few moments in your life that you've felt inspired or just goofy, that's a pretty good sign you have minor or major depression. You really should talk to your parents about it, and if they're no help, contact a therapist or a school counselor.

My best friend used to have major depression due to her boyfriend treating her like shit for 2 years. It's the only thing that makes me truly sad to think about, cringe, and cry over.

I've never been truly clinically depressed, but I've seen the edge so I can relate on a somewhat basic level. If you really are clinically depressed, or believe you might be, reach out to the good people around you.

 

[TechnoHippyChic]

You can't look at shit when you're blasted to hell. Sitting and thinking about it is far more effective, hippie girl.

Well, you've obviously never had the experience. I feel sorry for you.

 

[Cheomesh]

I'm not mad that they're having sex. I don't really care. I'm mad that they were keeping it from me. That's all. It's not complicated.

And yeah, I talked to her and they are. I won't go into detail because... well, those are her details to share, and what little she told me won't be passed on here.

Good point. Makes sense actually. I sometimes get ticked at my friends not telling me things. But, in the grand scheme, think of it this way: I'm sure they've done things with you or shared things with you that the others do not know about. Really. Maybe they thought you would be worse off knowing vs not? A fallacy yeah, but still.

 

[TCfromBN]

Hey guys?

D:

5char.

 

[Tarkus]

I have very little doubt that if that happened to me I would be so angry that I wouldn't even care for a second if the guy was my best friend or not.Very little doubt indeed. Same goes for the girl

 

[Tollbooth Willie]

D:

5char.

I spy Fry.

 

[Stigmata]

Good point. Makes sense actually. I sometimes get ticked at my friends not telling me things. But, in the grand scheme, think of it this way: I'm sure they've done things with you or shared things with you that the others do not know about. Really. Maybe they thought you would be worse off knowing vs not? A fallacy yeah, but still.

Yeah I see what you mean. It's foolish to be mad about something like this, but it just leaves me feeling a bit like they've betrayed me, just in regards to the secret-keeping.

[edit] And Joel is telling me to tell you guys to stop calling depression a disease. It's not contagious.

 

[Sulkdodds]

And yeah, I talked to her and they are. I won't go into detail because... well, those are her details to share, and what little she told me won't be passed on here.

Fair enough. I hope that, in this sphere at least, some semblance of resolution was reached. What Pes said basically. If there's something I've learned through meeting various members of this forum in the flesh it's that online awesome really does translate into the physical world. I'm confident you're a good enough guy to have people to turn to who care about you when you need them - as trite as that might sound.

Good luck, I guess?

EDIT: Diseases don't have to be infectious. Is 'disorder' better?

 

[TCfromBN]

I spy Fry.

Damn right you do.

 

[Assaj_Ventress]

I didn't leave Stig for Joel, and yeah, we didn't say anything because its not something you can easily bring up, and we didn't want to hurt/depress him or ruin any chance of remaining friends. ... Sorry? I know sleeping with the ex's friend is a canonically evil thing to do, and I shouldn't have kept it from you, Dave =/

 

[Tarkus]

Yeah I see what you mean. It's foolish to be mad about something like this, but it just leaves me feeling a bit like they've betrayed me, just in regards to the secret-keeping.

It's not foolish at all, especially if the guy IS your best friend. Being best friends isn't just about getting drunk together and whatnot, it's also about caring about eachother, no matter how gay this sounds. If the guy knows you could get ticked by this, he SHOULD tell you about it

 

[Cheomesh]

Yeah I see what you mean. It's foolish to be mad about something like this, but it just leaves me feeling a bit like they've betrayed me, just in regards to the secret-keeping.

I know. A while back I had a super close friend who got a tattoo, when she promised not to and kept it a secret. I hate those things, more then than now, though. I was supposed to be her closest person, and she didn't tell me. She then lied when I asked if she really got one. We went separate ways that day. Four days later we graduated high school. I haven't had a closer friend sense.

Moral? It's done, secrets out, what can you do about it? Is it worth it just saying "**** you guys", or do you want it to roll? It will take time, during which I recommend you do something great, not drugs. Games are good, so are books.

 

[Assaj_Ventress]

Yeah, if I've learned anything about you at all in the time ive knowen you, you're not a bad guy, just hard on yourself.

 

[Sulkdodds]

Wait, both these people are on the forums.
Well, this is awkward. Hi Stig's friends!