So I'm depressed

I feel this way sometimes too Soup.

It's all up and down. Just persevere!

I would mostly just recommend to learn to really trust and rely on yourself, because then it's pretty hard to be shaken.
 
^ Yeah.

Even if you don't like who you are at the moment (I've been there), have faith that you can become the person you want to be with effort. Your upbringing, the people around you, your environment and your circumstances can all influence you in big ways, but only you can truly change yourself. The first step is being honest with yourself - which sounds like it may be your biggest problem at the moment.

Good luck sorting your shit, man. I hope you can find the things that will help you back on the track to recovery - don't ever count out your friends either, no matter how few they are. Before I moved out I was pretty much isolated for a few weeks, with all my friends having moved or being too busy with work to see me (and without my own mode of transportation). Trust me - it's better to have 1 or 2 good friends than none at all.

Anyway, don't stay away too long! :P
 
I can't stay away from this forum. I don't know if it's out of habit, or because of how generally awesome you guys are, but even in my half self-loathing/half awful-truth depressive state I've been browsing this site all day, fighting the urge to post. So I'm back here for now. Still not talking to any of my real-life friends, a few of whom seem to not really care about how serious this is, but I'll talk to you guys since (aside from a total of one friend) you are all infinitely more understanding and helpful.

Anyhow, my current state: I've regressed into experiencing bouts of happiness. I use the term "regressed" because this is how my emotions have always cycled. Every few months I have a breakdown that, aside from today/yesterday and once in March this year, nobody has ever seen. This breakdown generally lasts 24-48 hours, and then I bounce right back to my usual state of semi-static contentment. But the problem here is that I've always been bouncing back to the "pretend me" that I talked about before. This is the me that has gotten so good at ignoring my almost life-long depression that I've managed to trick myself into believing my happiness for the past seven years or so. But I'm taking some action this time, and hopefully I'll get back to reality in the next month or so.

I went in to my college's counseling offices today and talked for a while. I learned about a psychiatric study that's going on at the local university hospital, and I'm eligible for it. My counselor is good friends with one of the people working on the study, and she called her friend to set me up with an appointment. I'm apparently eligible (despite my occasional weed habits, which I'm kicking for the time being), so they'll call on Monday to set me up for this. It involves some trial psychiatric therapy and an MRI brain-scan, which can only be good for me. Afterwards I'm going to go to a traditional therapist to continue my treatment.

And I did make a bit of actual progress today, when after many years of never saying this, I asked my mom what she wanted for Christmas. She was really happy about that.
 
Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better stig, and don't tell yourself that happy thoughts are "regressive", give yourself some credit - you're doing your best to get through an incredibly unhappy time in your life. It's great to hear that you're doing things to help yourself.

I've been through serious clinical depression myself, taken the pills - seen the doctors etcetc. I'm going to sound cliche in saying this, but as Krynn would say **** it I'll just say it anyways; You're not alone - we all have times like this, you should give yourself credit for doing something about it. Important though - I'm finding, is that when I'm healthy again to take risks. Talk to that cute girl in your class, go out of your way to call people that you've not seen since your depression / reclusion.
 
Beware the "fake self" or "pretend me" feelings, as you say. I've been running from them since puberty and they're tricky.
 
babyheadcrab said:
Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better stig, and don't tell yourself that happy thoughts are "regressive", give yourself some credit - you're doing your best to get through an incredibly unhappy time in your life. It's great to hear that you're doing things to help yourself.

I've been through serious clinical depression myself, taken the pills - seen the doctors etcetc. I'm going to sound cliche in saying this, but as Krynn would say **** it I'll just say it anyways; You're not alone - we all have times like this, you should give yourself credit for doing something about it. Important though - I'm finding, is that when I'm healthy again to take risks. Talk to that cute girl in your class, go out of your way to call people that you've not seen since your depression / reclusion.
Click to expand...
That doesn't help when I'm in a computer systems technician program, and there are a total of four reasonably unattractive girls :p

I hope that once I get better I'll finally be able to man up and take some damn risks for once. My total risks-to-date are as follows: I've asked out a total of two girls, ever, and I tried out for a play and nabbed the lead role (though I tried out accidentally, and almost backed out four or five times during rehearsals). Beyond that, the next greatest risk I've taken was probably the time I applied for a job :/

I'm sure I'll get it all worked out.
 
Well shit, I thought you were experiencing actual mental illness.

This is just teenage angst, though. So yeah, toughen up. Get into fights.
 
No, it's pretty severe mental illness Pes. I've had these problems since I was about ten years old, but I learned to bottle them up pretty damn well so it's only now that I'm realizing how bad it is.
 
I'm working on that. Seeing a therapist sometime next week once the firm gets back to me, and I'm hopefully going to be part of a clinical study on depression analysis and treatment at the local University hospital beginning Monday.
 
Shit Stig, I'm afraid I don't have any helpful advice, but I honestly wish you all the best.

Between your situation and krynn's story, I've realized how incredibly lucky I am that I have good friends and an honest relationship with myself, among other things. I feel vaguely guilty that I've taken my life for granted and not made any effort to improve much of anything.

I've been away for a while, and I've missed this place a lot.
 
I'm going to respond by sounding intensly interested in what you have to say, because I've often found that attention heals the wounds of depression. It makes you feel like someone cares, and that you might have a purpose in the world, after all. You could take up religion, but I'd advise against that. I'd advise from keeping away from new/different people if you think you have a problem with social interaction, because only your friends will actually be able to understand you. So stop ignoring your friends and actually pick up the phone or whatever and arrange to go out with a mate(s). It does seriously help.

:D Still lovin' ya Stiggy!
 
Same sorta thing as Geogaddi - not many words to say.
But hang in there mate, you seem to be on the right track now, and you'll end out on top. It might be a long haul, but in whatever way we can be for you i think 'netters will talk with you.

You're a top guy, good that you're on the right track.
 
Threads like these are the reason why sometimes I think that Halflife2.net is a delusional fabrication of my mind.
 
<3 Stig. I'll finish up that Nesfarian dancing hat thingy for you.

And Eczema? Nothing to be sad about it.

I have it D:
 
I'm not particularly sad about my eczema. But it's caused serious psychological harm, mostly because I was ostracized for it in elementary school. Girls thought it was gross, and everyone made fun of me for it. That's what I'm sad about.
 
Dude, you do rock. The most random of people have been in places like you've been, so don't feel alone.

-Angry Lawyer
 
<3<3<3<3 Stiggy. Recently I have been feeling really weirdly emotional, and generally shitty, obviously I can't compare it to your stuff, but I feel (some of) your pain.

Generally <3. I hope you feel better soon.
 
When I get depressed about something, I listen to music. It makes me feel a whole lot better. Sorry I can't give you any good advice Stig.
 
Finally seeing a therapist tomorrow, and getting an MRI (part of a clinical study at the university hospital). I think I said this already at some point. But yeah, tomorrow at 9am. Then I talk to my counselor at college again, that's at noon. Updates when appropriate.

And thanks for the support guys, even if you don't have much in the way of advice. I really just wanted reassurance that I'm not a lost cause, and that I'm not alone here. So thanks again. <3
 
I'm mad that they're keeping it a secret.
Click to expand...

So its your ex right? Then its none of your business what they do.

Give up your jealousy and move on -- not that its any of my business, but have you tried fapping? Works wonders!
 
Stigmata said:
As a foreword: I'm not looking for whiny assholes to wax ****ing-retarded on how depression is a made-up disease. If you are one of these people, go away. I probably wouldn't want to talk to you if I were happy either.

So yeah, here goes.

I realized a few things about myself today. It begins with two of my friends. One of them goes on this forum sometimes so there's no point in disguising names or identities; it's my two friends Sadie (my ex) and Joel (my best friend). Right now I'm fairly pissed at them because it's blatantly clear that they're **** buddies, and neither of them seems to be willing to tell me about this. It's not just "Oh, they seem to be hanging out pretty often, I wonder if they like each other?" It's "Sadie spent last night at Joel's; I left at 11, she had school at 8, and she says she only got three hours of sleep. Gee, I wonder what in the world could she have been doing?" I didn't talk to either of them for the entire month of October, and the situation was exactly the same at the end of September. I might be wrong, as you'll see I'm not exactly in the best state of mind. But I do know they've done this before.

And so I was over there again today, and when thinking about this I realized a lot of things about my personality, and the kind of person that I am, that I've either forgotten or covered up with the facade that I put on. I've essentially tricked myself into believing I'm someone completely different, and what I am is a truly and deeply flawed human being.

I am intensely emotionally violent. I have powerful and sometimes frequent mood swings, possibly bi-polar disorder. I am slowly becoming a pathological liar. I am quite possibly racist at my core, though I do whatever I can to counteract this. I am overwhelmingly lazy; I procrastinate with absolutely everything I do, and I have a total lack of drive to do anything for myself. I have gone to a total of four classes out of 18 in the past two weeks, and I am definitely failing at least one. I have a severely addictive personality; I haven't been able to stop biting my nails or picking my nose since grade four. I refuse to take responsibility for any of my actions or feelings, and blame it on the actions or feelings of others. I have a "Peter Pan complex", and I absolutely dread growing up and taking responsibility for my future. I am a jealous person, and I hate myself for it. My greatest fear is failure, to the point where I am often unable to even say "Hi" to people, for fear of rejection. I have zero self-confidence, partly due to my eczema (which, aside from being incurable, has caused significant psychological harm to myself). Because of this I find it almost impossible to succeed at anything; if I'm good at something then I'm bound to fail somewhere, and if I'm bad at something then I've already failed. I am emotionally fragile, and I have severe problems taking any form of criticism. I have probably been depressed in some way or another for a full 5-7% of my life. I feel as though the only emotions I can feel are happiness, anger, anxiety, and sadness; I have not been able to be excited for anything since Christmas 2004, and I don't think I have the capability to love anymore.

I disgust myself in almost every way. I don't even fear death right now. I'm not suicidal, but if I were to die then I know that that would be it. That would be the end. There's no afterlife; no God and no Heaven. There are no ghosts, no spectres, no aliens, no spirits, no dreamworlds, no supernatural activities. There is nothing but atoms, radiation, and flawed perceptions. Life itself is nothing but a chemical reaction, and when I'm gone, there will be nothing left of me but flawed representations of myself in everyone's mind, all of them complete fabrications.

The me that you know is only half the person I wish I could be; the real me is a terrible person, fragmented and flawed and an awful argument for humanity's existence.

I'm calling a therapist tomorrow. I feel awful.
Click to expand...

Damn. I think I just saw myself in the mirror.

It was jealousy that sprang from having my two best friends flirt with each other. I thought I had bipolar disorder, but that entails a chemical imbalance of serotonin and a few other chemicals.

Instead, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Based on the previous experiences I had and the depressed state I would go into, I would associate any touchy-feely activity between my friends with those depressive states. I would become violently angry and bitter, hating the world and everybody in it. It very often led to suicidal thoughts, and feelings of worthlessness and despair. I felt like my life was meaningless, cheap, and a waste. Needless to say, it was not fun.

I was on several medications, but they only worked for a short while before I was worse off than before. So I would not try medication first. You're probably going to have to try therapy and removing yourself from the negative stimulus either by avoiding your friends and moving on or letting them know how you feel and that you really don't appreciate their dishonesty.

But you really should get help (I'm not saying this in a mean way). The longer you wait, the more work it's going to take to reverse the effects (I spent five years of my life like this, and I wish I had taken care of it sooner).

My two cents. Hope it helps.
 
Friends don't keep such nasty secrets from each other.
Click to expand...

Uhm, they are entitled to privacy. If he feels betrayed then he needs to express that before he gives himself nightmares about it.
 
"he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, because they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? A total waste. Didn't learn a thing."
 
K e r b e r o s said:
So its your ex right? Then its none of your business what they do.

Give up your jealousy and move on -- not that its any of my business, but have you tried fapping? Works wonders!
Click to expand...

So in other words,
K e r b e r o s said:
tl;dr
Click to expand...
right? :|

Thanks for the support asshole.

Also thanks for the story Leib10. I might have PTD now that I think about it.
 
kerberos stfu


good to see you're taking steps towards recovery/depression management Stig. Hope it works out for you
 
Me too.

I just got back from the therapist at the uni hospital, and I "meet the criteria for major depression". Which I guess means I'm definitely part of the clinical study now. I'm seeing her again next week too.

She says I might also have some degree of bi-polar disorder as well. :(
 
K e r b e r o s said:
So its your ex right? Then its none of your business what they do.

Give up your jealousy and move on -- not that its any of my business, but have you tried fapping? Works wonders!
Click to expand...

She's also his friend. It's what friends do. Tell each other things like that. It wouldn't be his business if it was someone else.

But it's his friend. Friend + ex is not good. It'd be like sleeping with your sister.
 
Stigmata said:
Me too.

I just got back from the therapist at the uni hospital, and I "meet the criteria for major depression". Which I guess means I'm definitely part of the clinical study now. I'm seeing her again next week too.

She says I might also have some degree of bi-polar disorder as well. :(
Click to expand...

beware of clinical studies that are thinly disguised pharmaceutical trials ..in other words they pump you full of drugs they're working on and see what happens
 
Oh don't worry, one of the first things the therapist/psychiatrist said after the question-answer period was "and I don't want to put you on any drugs, because they'll either make the depression better and the bi-polar worse, or the bi-polar better and the depression worse".
 
Wow.
I read your first post.
I'm exactly the same. No seriously, even down to the nail-biting bit. maybe not the bipolar bit though.
Now you've made ME realise how much of a bad person I am :(
 
Gordon-Shepherd said:
Wow.
I read your first post.
I'm exactly the same. No seriously, even down to the nail-biting bit. maybe not the bipolar bit though.
Now you've made ME realise how much of a bad person I am :(
Click to expand...

Aww. You're not a bad person at all. *hugs* we all love you too. :)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

Teta_Bonita
I made contact with a DEMON?!
Replies
4
Views
276
Mr Stabby
Mr Stabby
Ennui
HL2 20th Anniversary Update + Documentary
Replies
8
Views
448
Xtremecherry95YT
Xtremecherry95YT
Terminator
Long time...
Replies
16
Views
1K
Xtremecherry95YT
Xtremecherry95YT
Krynn72
You guys, what the **** is up.
Replies
11
Views
2K
Tollbooth Willie
Tollbooth Willie
Tollbooth Willie
HL2.NET HORROR SLAP
Replies
7
Views
2K
Tollbooth Willie
Tollbooth Willie
Back
Top