The game that inspires...

Omnomnick

Omnomnick

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Half Life 2 is such a great game with some a massively developed storyline that it inspired me to do something...


I, being 15, am currently in the middle of my GCSEs, and I decided to develop an expanding story of Barney, what happens to him after he leaves City 17 by train. This coursework is being writen for english, and does not have rules against concluding books, games or films.

I am currently half way through the story, I will be releasing part 1 of the story tommorow...

Have fun discussing it until then...
(More details available soon, btw, the story has had to shorten or destroy some major features, such as Dr.Breen or Black Mesa, never mind, it still makes sense NOTE: used character names from HL2 make a come back in this short story)
 
...

You lot didnt know I was 15...

I clearly posted it on the 'Average age of TF2 players' thread. Nm...


Apparently the story so far, that I have reviewed, is a decent peice of A grade work...
(Apparently story does not matter, what is looked at is content, vocabulary and structure, story is not big deal...infact, it doesnt matter at all)

Also...Anybody who has helped me with 'Another day at 2fort' that is for GCSE also :p (not mine though)
 
The GCSE quality in your country is weird. I'd get shot if I handed in anything based on a game.
 
Woah, you're the same age as my brother. That's really, really creepy. Urgh, I'm getting old. Life's too fast :/

Oh, and you might want to check out the Fanfic section.
 
Indeed. Posts in the wrong sections make Siro eat babies...whoops, wrong forums. ;)
 
zombieturtle01 said:
what the heck is a GCSE?
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Dude, we must have explained this to you many, many times before!

It's a UK "qualification" in which we all sit down and take an exam. It takes two years and finishes when we're 16. Basically it.
 
Sorry for not posting on the day, I've been off the forums for 3 days anyway...I'll post later tonight
 
Druckles said:
Dude, we must have explained this to you many, many times before!

It's a UK "qualification" in which we all sit down and take an exam. It takes two years and finishes when we're 16. Basically it.
Click to expand...

To be honest, it is a pretty weird thing. But not even half as weird as why you call private schools public schools. Now that is just messed up.
 
Too late, will definatley post tommorow...

Propablly around 10am-ish, gona sneak it in during business.
 
AJ Rimmer said:
To be honest, it is a pretty weird thing. But not even half as weird as why you call private schools public schools. Now that is just messed up.
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Wut? When did we ever do that...??
 
AJ Rimmer said:
To be honest, it is a pretty weird thing. But not even half as weird as why you call private schools public schools. Now that is just messed up.
Click to expand...

It's just your average high school diploma with Cambridge all over it. What's so weird about it?
 
Shameless, unauthorised advertisement in your signature. Remove it at once, Swede.
 
Ok, while you lot have been fighting all day about Sweden and welfare, I have been stuck in school in a hype because I thought Badlands was released...


Anyway, while we're waiting for Badlands @ 8GMT here is some reading material (part 1, part 2 coming soon, part 3 is finished tommorow, maybe)

Sry for once again not posting, there was no way to post at 10am so I just wrote some more...

Please remember that for length, I have had to destroy some story elements, you guys will know what everything is etc but my teacher nd the exam board dont and cant read 9000 pages about it...

Enjoy :)

'See ya when I see ya...'

Barney Calhoun exhaled to his companions as the escape train slowly exited the rapidly decaying, war torn City 17. The incredibly old eastern european train rumbled and coughed as it entered the pitch dark tunnel. The tunnel grew deeper and deeper, darker and darker until a blinding light emerged from the deep bowels of the city streets. As the extraordinary magnitude of the energetic explosion advanced on the train, Barney slumped exhausted on the rear balcony of the train...

As he awoke several moments later, the sky was bleached a shiny blue, electricity firing out from the abandoned and eradicated city. A beautiful, yet disturbing sight. A massive blanket of clouds began merging and forming high above the centre of the ruined city centre. As the aged train circled the large countryside surrounding the now destroyed interurban jungle, Barney rose to his feet, realising for the first time, how much destruction the week long rebellion had caused.

During 1996, extraordinary life had been located in the desert of New Mexico. With the population of nearby civilisations disappearing, United States military was called in to investigate the situation that had emerged. Following the nuclear explosion of a research facility in the desert, large tripod creatures began spawning in many towns in the south of North America. These 'striders' tripods were towering walking machines, a large amber carapace mechanically attached to three spiked legs. With no facial features, these creatures were difficult to identify as alive. The main body was a maze of wires and technology, covering the soft fleshy under layers. Large cannons firmly welded to the front end, ready to decimate all life in its path. Deadly battles spurred in the desert, striders and large slug like creatures fought and destroyed the entire combined human army. As the war raged, massive patches of sand were turned to glass by the intense heat of the strider cannons. The planet was in turmoil, striders now appearing on all regions of the globe, with the majority of the human army dissolved, the striders targeted all major cities around the globe.

At an emergancy meeting of the UN, the surrender of earth was approved; all human life would become slaves of the combine empire...

As the train toured the outskirts of the city, Barney grew weak, slumping into the rear carriage of the train...

(END OF PART 1)

Hope you liked part one, as you can read it mostly explains a diluted version of the seven hour war. (This coursework is currently rated A or A*/A+, please judge by how you feel, mostly context and vocabulary is being marked by the offical exam board, either do the same or otherwise)

In part 2, Barney meets a rebel on board the train (old HL2 name), the aftermath of the seven hour war is explained and a description of the advisors. Enjoy, Part 2 in a few days :D
 
Well, it was pretty decent, hard to comment on the story as it doesn't seem to have kicked in yet, but your writing style needs some work. For example you seem rather in love with the phrase "...As the..." and over-use it quite a bit. You also need to trim down your sentences a bit.
The incredibly old eastern european train rumbled and coughed as it entered the pitch dark tunnel. The tunnel grew deeper and deeper, darker and darker until a blinding light emerged from the deep bowels of the city streets.
Click to expand...
As the aged train circled...
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1st of all: The train is not incredibly old. :p And second, I don't think the word "Incredibly" fits here, because it sounds very much like spoken dialouge rather than descriptive. And "deeper and deeper, darker and daker" might seem broody and cool on the surface but it just sounds repetetive m'afraid.

"With the population of nearby civilisations disappearing,"
-Makes no sense.

Now; I love Barney, and I love stories written from Barney's POV, I've written at least one myself so I like that.

Nitpicking: There was a long period between the Resonance Cascade and the Seven Hour War called the Portal Storms which you see to have glossed over. And also; Striders and other combine forces did not appear in the middle of deserts but huge citadels teleported into the centre of many cities, where humans had gathered for shelter due to the portal storms.
 
Nicky 0123 said:
Please remember that for length, I have had to destroy some story elements, you guys will know what everything is etc but my teacher nd the exam board dont and cant read 9000 pages about it...
Click to expand...

That should fix one of your problems nicely...

Now that I think about it, the population thing doesnt make sense, will change it tommorow when I get back to school. :)

Also, I made the train seem old because it isnt brand new, and it is a good way to describe the train, for example, it sounds better than 'The train rumbled...' or 'As the train circled...'

Also, this story will develop extremely slowly, as I said earlier, it is about context, not story.

:LOL: I do have a bit of an obsession with 'As the...' but its a very good way to describe something while an event is happening.

7pm GTM...:D:D:D:D 1 hour to go!!
 
Nicky 0123 said:
Also, I made the train seem old because it isnt brand new, and it is a good way to describe the train, for example, it sounds better than 'The train rumbled...' or 'As the train circled...'
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Actually it isn't a good way to describe the train. It isn't bad to say it's old, but there are more interesting ways to say it than just "Incredibly old". Like, for instance mentioning some characteristic of the train.

Nicky 0123 said:
:LOL: I do have a bit of an obsession with 'As the...' but its a very good way to describe something while an event is happening.
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Not when it's repeated too often. Seriously, just replacing "as" with "while" every now and then will make it sound a lot less repetitive.
 
Thanks for tips, may edit tommorow...

Part 2 coming soon...
 
Ok, here is part 2, after my week off, and no copy of the story at home, I've decided to sneak this in during Business, the story is all finished so Part 3 shouldnt be long...

Here it is, have fun :D...


The train toured the outskirts of the city; Barney grew weak, stumbling into the rear carriage of the train. His brief relaxation destroyed by the voice of a young man. Barney slouched into the deep cushions of the train seats, noticing a man hovering above him. Around six foot tall, dressed in a dull green uniform, dirty and untidy. Clutching his gun with both hands the man stood still, strangely grinning at Barney as he struggled to constrain his weary eye lids open.
The man inquired "Are you Barney Calhoun?" Barney replied with slow and sluggish thoughts, "Yeh, that"s me?" The rebel man sat, loosening his grip on his gun, becoming strangely calm and relaxed at the sound of Barney"s voice. "I"m Lazlo, thanks for your help back there at the station?. "No problem, course none of us would be here without the rebellion" Barney uttered as he drifted into a deep, exhausted sleep. As he slipped further into a dream, the rebel rose to his feet and paced up and down the train carriage...

During the autumn of 1996, the combine swiftly took control over earth, enforcing entrapment on the population, erasing the names of many locations around the planet, renaming areas with numbers and co-ordinates. The outer city population remained hidden and shrouded in secrecy, too perplexed to reveal themselves to the combine. The alien regime re-organised earth?s government, replacing world leaders with large hideous, mutated and deformed creatures. Known as "Advisors", these slug like creatures were once humanoid creatures, evolved to become entirely dependant on technology and life support. Covered in respirators and machinery, the Advisors large bodies pulsated and bulged, struggling to maintain the mass of fat and greasy innards. The skin seemed leathery and damp, wrinkled, mostly concealed by a green jump suit. The beasts were able to exult intense power from their minds, using telekinesis for levitation of objects and their swollen frame. It seemed extraordinary that these creatures were capable of governing a mass empire spanning many planets, their bodies providing the advisors with an almost clumsy appearance.

The combine would not be in a position to defend itself with out an army. Large groups of rebels massed in many cities, causing uproars against the new government. To stabilise the ground force of the combine, they began kidnapping many of the population, carrying out brutal and sickening experiments. Replacing organs with machinery and bionics, draining bodily fluid to create space for wiring, wiping memories and inserting electronic cores compiled of propaganda to make the combine seem admirable. These synthetic humans were then converted to soldiers, used as a military tool for the combine, asserting authority throughout the world. The soldiers wore dark blue armour, appearing different from traditional battle uniforms. The armour gave off a fabric and artificial appearance, making the uniform seem weaker than it was. The soldiers now deformed faces covered by hideous gas masks, muffling the voice and allowing machinery in the brain to function as it should. Wielding powerful weaponry, the soldiers were never without arms, with the absence of sleep or rest, the soldiers proved a powerful enemy for rebels on earth. After several months; thousands of soldiers had been created, cancelling the riots that plagued earth. The civilisations settled into the twenty year rule that would change the earth forever?

The train slowly rattled through the outskirts of City 17, violently shaking the trees as it sped by. As Barney awoke, Lazlo sat opposite him, peacefully staring at Barney?s uniform.
"Welcome back..." Lazlo quietly implied.
"Hey, how are we doing?" Barney yawned,
"I dunno, take a look" Lazlo anxiously pointed out of the side window. Barney peered through the dirty and condensed carriage window; the large cloud formation now spiralled above the city, circling an extraordinary blue beam of electricity shooting into the sky. The strange phenomena groaned like a wounded animal, lightening piercing the sky above. A bright circle hovered above, consuming and devouring the energy being transported up the electric beams. Three expansive branches outstretched at the tip of the trunk, delivering the strange energy up into the sky. The roots dug deep into the city, devouring the city centre with a mass of radiation. Random spurs of electricity leapt from the trunk, falling and dispersing over the city, like leaves on an autumn day. Barney sat, frozen in amazement at the bright blue tree rising up from the once mighty citadel.

As 1997 arrived, the populations of earth settled into the brutal rule of the combine. In many cities around the globe, massive inter-dimensional gateways opened high in the atmosphere. These large red "Portals" spanned over a mile in length, a patch of red sky could be seen, strange metallic buildings, combine weaponry and advisors floated above the sink hole in the sky. After several days, smaller editions of the metallic buildings flew one by one through each of the portals. A mile high structure crashing into the concrete floor at a tremendous speed, crushing buildings and roads, smashing an expansive crater in the centre of the city. Digging deep into the city, massive transparent wires stretched from the buildings through each of the cities, the wires connecting combine defences to the city. These metallic giants known as Citadels were large several high mile structures, cutting a thick line through the skyline, an attempt to remind the citizens of earth who their rulers were. The deep blue metal gleamed in the daylight, appearing through the thick dust and rubble that had been fired into the air. The ever moving structures worked, changing and evolving, continuously developing technology for the combine. Large sections of the building moved and shifted around, emitting eerie cries as they shunted. The murky blue towers loomed over the cities below, the buildings acting as safe houses and bases for the combine advisors. The portals soon closed, leaving the skyscrapers deeply imbedded in the earth.

"That can"t be good..." Barney uttered to Lazlo as the train passed through a dense forest.
"It looks like a Portal Storm" Lazlo anxiously replied to Barney,
"Too right, but why is it here?". The damaged portal swirled and groaned, transporting energy to the generating portal high in the air. The damaged and deteriorated portal now spanned the full skyline of the city, gaining power to open an unstable gate to the combine world. In a last ditch attempt to restore their dominion, the combine had sacrificed their citadel in the city, to call for reinforcements. In an instant, an incredible serge of energy spread from the city. A globe of blue electricity expanded from the centre of the portal, demolishing structures and buildings within the city, ripping trees deep from the earth. The large energetic sphere exploded towards the train, ripping the rails from behind, metal and wood soaring high into the air, spinning bolts and smashing glass hurtled round the train carriage. Barney ducked for cover, seeking refuge beneath the old train seat. The carriage shoot horrifically, Lazlo was now out of sight and had headed down the train for escape.
"Oh shit..."



The train derailed...

[End of Part 2]
All improvements will be appreciated, Thanks for reading :D Enjoy.
 
Well when did you leave school, because I'm sure 80's games werent going to inspire you now are they...

Anyway, I can 'base' my story on Half Life, but I can't use any stuff that already exists. That is why I am writing about Barney, because we don't know what happens.

Anyway, enough with the 'GCSE' crap, can we just comment on the story so far please.
 
Same problems as before; I can see that you're trying to be colourful in your language but you're just not there yet. A lot of repetitions and unnatural sentences that stem the flow of the story and makes it kinda awkward to read. There's a lot of horribly blatant exposition- stop doing that. It's incredibly boring to read. Also; You don't have to describe every thing in the story in minute detail, let some stuff be left to the imagination, okay? I know you're trying to describe stuff you've actually seen in-game but it easily gets tedious. Otherwise you need to work a bit on your sentence structure but there's nothing grammatically wrong with anything (nothing major at least but everyone makes mistakes every now and then). As for the plot itself- no comments because not much has happened yet.
 
AJ Rimmer said:
Same problems as before; I can see that you're trying to be colourful in your language but you're just not there yet. A lot of repetitions and unnatural sentences that stem the flow of the story and makes it kinda awkward to read. There's a lot of horribly blatant exposition- stop doing that. It's incredibly boring to read. Also; You don't have to describe every thing in the story in minute detail, let some stuff be left to the imagination, okay? I know you're trying to describe stuff you've actually seen in-game but it easily gets tedious. Otherwise you need to work a bit on your sentence structure but there's nothing grammatically wrong with anything (nothing major at least but everyone makes mistakes every now and then). As for the plot itself- no comments because not much has happened yet.
Click to expand...

Now that is a review :D

Thanks, I'll kind of bring these things up on Thursday when my English teacher reviews it to me. Also, how do you mean 'boring to read', how could I make it less boring?

Also, please try to remember that this is Coursework and has to stick to a strict guideline in order for me to get a decent grade. If I made it less boring to read, it might destroy some of the explanation and describion, lower my grade. The work is marked depending on the wording and vocabulary I use, also a good use of puncuation and sentence structures will help me raise my level. Also note that this story...will never really go anywhere!

This story would be entirely different if I was to write it under no guidelines, but seeing how its not just an ordianry Fanfic, I have to make over 40 hours of gameplay, over the entire franchise, understandable for a few people who may never have heard of Half Life.
 
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