The joke thread!

CyberPitz

CyberPitz

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I really don't feel like searching for "joke thread" and scimming through..I'm a lazy bastard at work.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:



A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee,

And a 1 lb. package of bacon.



As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a

drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of

the cashier.



While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly

stated, you must be single."



The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was

intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.



She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly

unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to

her marital status.



Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,

you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"



The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly.
Click to expand...
 
:LOL:

Oh that's a good one. If I knew some off the top of my head, I would put one in but... for now, bl.

EDIT: Oops, here's one.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Click to expand...
 
Slightly racist joke that you probably need to know some cultural context to understand, but what the hell.



An Irishman, an America, a Cuban, a Polish man and a Scotsman are all on a train.

The Cuban lights a very expensive cuban cigar, takes two puffs and throws it out the window. The American is shocked and asks the Cuban why he just threw such a valuable cigar away. The Cuban calmly replies "Don't worry, there are mountains of them back home"

Later, the Scotsman takes out a good vintage, high-quality bottle of scotch, takes a few mouthfulls and tosses the rest of the bottle out of the window. The Irishman, enraged by this waste shouts "HOW COULD YOU HAVE THROWN THAT AWAY!?". The Scotsman calmly replies "Ah, there's tonnes of the stuff back home".

After a while the Irishman calms down and strikes up a conversation with the Polish man. After a just a few minutes of talking the Irishman picks up the Polish man and throws him out the window.
 
Who is the most famous married woman in America?

...

..

.

Mississippi! :LOL:

Still in christmas cracker mode :(
 
riomhaire said:
Slightly racist joke that you probably need to know some cultural context to understand, but what the hell.



An Irishman, an America, a Cuban, a Polish man and a Scotsman are all on a train.

The Cuban lights a very expensive cuban cigar, takes two puffs and throws it out the window. The American is shocked and asks the Cuban why he just threw such a valuable cigar away. The Cuban calmly replies "Don't worry, there are mountains of them back home"

Later, the Scotsman takes out a good vintage, high-quality bottle of scotch, takes a few mouthfulls and tosses the rest of the bottle out of the window. The Irishman, enraged by this waste shouts "HOW COULD YOU HAVE THROWN THAT AWAY!?". The Scotsman calmly replies "Ah, there's tonnes of the stuff back home".

After a while the Irishman calms down and strikes up a conversation with the Polish man. After a just a few minutes of talking the Irishman picks up the Polish man and throws him out the window.
Click to expand...

I'm assuming that's a jab at the number of Polish immigrants in Ireland?

Also, where's the American stereotype? He should have been eating a burger or something.
 
Geogaddi said:
I'm assuming that's a jab at the number of Polish immigrants in Ireland?

Also, where's the American stereotype? He should have been eating a burger or something.
Click to expand...

Or where is the African that spreads some AIDS then throws IT out the window?
 
Your momma is so fat she bleeds nougat..

lol.. dunno if that's a joke.. but whatever
 
Q: How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?

A: Shove it in.

Q: How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A: Take out the elephant and shove it in.

Q: An elephant and a giraffe have a race, who wins?

A: The elephant, the giraffe is in the refrigerator.

Q: All the animals have a meeting, which animal is missing?

A: The giraffe, it's in the refrigerator.

Q: A man is trying to cross a lake known for its dangerous crocodiles, how does he cross?

A: He walks across, the crocodiles are at the meeting.

Q: An American travels to Antarctica for a research project, who does he consult about the cold climes before going?

A: The giraffe, he's been in the refrigerator.

Q: What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A: A pool table.
 
I met a Dutch girl who wore inflatable shoes the other day, and we really hit it off and we exchanged numbers. A few days later I decided to give her a ring and ask her out for a meal, but I was told she couldn't come as she had popped her clogs. :(
 
TheHamster22 said:
I met a Dutch girl who wore inflatable shoes the other day, and we really hit it off and we exchanged numbers. A few days later I decided to give her a ring and ask her out for a meal, but I was told she couldn't come as she had popped her clogs. :(
Click to expand...

:|




Q What do you call a smart blonde?
A A golden retriever
 
Hey, whales have cool penii!

...

...

*cue X-Files theme*
 
two home-made jokes:




What do cannibals call paraplegics?

Meals on Wheels.




How many planes does it take to change a World Trade Center?

TWO!
 
How is anal sex like Christmas?

It's better to give than to receive.
 
How many freaudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two- one to change the bulb and the other to hold the penis.





















LADDER! I meant ladder.
 
Knock, knock

Whose there?

Idiot

Idiot Who?

Idiot who opened the door.
 
Knock knock.

Who's there?

Silly bitch.

Silly bitch who?

Silly bitch, you cannot arrest me!

.................

**** you I'm going to sleep.
 
Knock knock.

Who's there?

4chan party van! ... Just kidding lol
 
I wish I had a job, just so I could laze off at it.

Not a joke.
 
I love this thread. Que-Ever's is the best and it's not even a joke.
 
what do you call 4 leepers in a hot tub?
A:soup!

Why did hitler shoot himself?
A:he got the gas bill
 
Who Knew Cops Have A Sense Of Humor...?
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Click to expand...

www.lol.com



"worst jokes, ever."
 
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

The best :LOL:
 
Change is just inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Saw a sign in the park the other day, said 'remove all dog nuisance', so i shot a poodle.

I broke up with my last girlfriend because she lied about her weight. I say that, she died in a bunjee jumping accident.

What is it about being blind that makes you want to walk the dog all the time?

Do you believe in gay sex? No? Course not, you just lept in there and ***ked him.

Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Because someone threw a fridge at him.

Two sausages in a frying pan, one says to the other 'damn its hot in here', other says '***k a talking sausage!'.

Someone calls Abba Insurance to get a quote. What a nutter.

It's our children's children that will pay for our mistakes. Which is a relief.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for a cup of tea, you never get that tea.

Went upto the airport information desk and asked 'how many airports are there in the world?', she said 'i dont know'.

Boxers never have sex before a fight. Why? Because they dont fancy each other.
 
ĐynastҰ said:
Change is just inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Saw a sign in the park the other day, said 'remove all dog nuisance', so i shot a poodle.

I broke up with my last girlfriend because she lied about her weight. I say that, she died in a bunjee jumping accident.

What is it about being blind that makes you want to walk the dog all the time?

Do you believe in gay sex? No? Course not, you just lept in there and ***ked him.

Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Because someone threw a fridge at him.

Two sausages in a frying pan, one says to the other 'damn its hot in here', other says '***k a talking sausage!'.

Someone calls Abba Insurance to get a quote. What a nutter.

It's our children's children that will pay for our mistakes. Which is a relief.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for a cup of tea, you never get that tea.

Went upto the airport information desk and asked 'how many airports are there in the world?', she said 'i dont know'.

Boxers never have sex before a fight. Why? Because they dont fancy each other.
Click to expand...

Oh those are good..
"FU*K A TALKING SAUSAGE!" buwaha
 
Geogaddi said:
I'm assuming that's a jab at the number of Polish immigrants in Ireland?

Also, where's the American stereotype? He should have been eating a burger or something.
Click to expand...
The American is really only there to coment on the waste of the cigar. I suppose that possition could be taken up by the Polish man or the Scotsman though.
 
A hunter dials 911 and says, "I just shot at something that I thought was a deer but it was another hunter. I'm afraid I just killed him."

The operator says, "It's OK sir, it may not be as bad as you think. First, make sure he's really dead."

The guy says OK and sets down the phone. Then the operator hears a gunshot. He picks up the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
Click to expand...


.....
 
This one goes for the chicken flu 'pandemic':

A lion, a bear and a chicken are walking down the road. The bear says 'you know, when i roar, every animal in the woods cowers with fear'.

The lion says 'Well when I roar, every animal on the plains runs out of sight'.

The chicken laughs and says 'Thats nothing. When i sneeze the whole world ***ts themselves'
 
Hey Saddam .. how's it hangin' ?

(oooh i'm so original and smart)
 
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