The Joke Tread. BEWARE: May cause Breathing difficulties
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WaterMelon34
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I made this one up last year...
WHAT DOES THE THEIF DO AT THE OPTOMETRIST?
HE ROBS THEM BLIND!!!
WHAT DOES THE THEIF DO AT THE OPTOMETRIST?
HE ROBS THEM BLIND!!!
Stigmata
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:O!spookymooky said:
---
There once was a very rich man with a very nice son.
He loved his son, and only wanted the best for him, and as his son grew, his pride grew as well. When, before his second birthday, his son first began to talk, he was overwhelmed with joy.
On his son's birthday, the man took him to a magnificent toy store, the most expensive and expansive and luxurious store in the country. He turned to his son, knelt down, and looked him straight in the eyes. "Son," he said, "for your birthday, you can choose anything from this store. And whatever it is, I'll buy it for you."
So his son began to search the store. He walked up aisles, down aisles, across the lobby, back again, and all around the outside shelves, his father always at his side. He spent hours looking for the perfect toys, the ones he wanted most and liked best.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the son stopped, and turned to his father.
"Dad?" he said.
"Yes, son?" replied the man.
"I know what I want now."
"Oh? What is it?" His eyes twinkled, and grew wide with anticipation.
His son took a deep breath. "I want..." He paused.
"Yes?"
His son sighed. "I want a pink ping-pong ball."
The man couldn't believe his ears. "You want.... what?"
The boy was more forward this time. He stood up straight, looked his father in the eyes, and said, with a big grin, "I want one pink ping-pong ball!"
His father stood in shock for a moment. He opened his mouth, as if to say something in return. But he decided it was best not to ask questions, and instead replied, "Alright. If that's what you want..."
The man bought his son a single, pink, plastic ping-pong ball, took it home, wrapped it, and then gave it to his son with a beautiful birthday card.
*****
A year later came his third birthday. Hoping for a more normal outcome, the man took his son to the same magnificent toy shop, and again told him, "For your birthday, you can choose anything you want from this store, and whatever you choose, I'll buy it for you."
Again, his son walked up and down the aisles, thinking long and hard about which toys he wanted most. He again spent hours and hours looking at every toy in the store, carefully deciding which ones would make the best gifts.
Again, after what seemed an eternity, the boy stopped, turned to his father, and said, "I know what I want now."
And again, his father was intrigued, only moreso than before. "Oh," he replied, "and what do you want this time?"
The boy again took a confident stance, looked into his father's eyes, and said "For my birthday, I want two pink ping-pong balls!"
His father was stunned. "But... You already have a pink ping-pong ball!"
"I know," said his son. "But I want two more."
The man sighed, defeatedly. "All right," he told his son, "I'll get you your two pink ping-pong balls, if that's what you really want."
And he bought them, wrapped them, and presented them to his son at home with a birthday card even bigger than before.
*****
And right on schedule, the boy's fourth birthday came 'round a year later. And just as before, the man took his son to the same expansive toy store, and told him he could have whatever he wanted.
The boy walked up and down the aisles, inspecting every toy, giving hours of great thought as to which ones he wanted most. Eventually he came to a conclusion, turned to his father, and said, "I know what I want now."
The man, fearing the worst, braced himself, and asked, "Do you want... Do you want three pink ping-pong balls?"
His son smiled, and then laughed lightly. "No, no, dad, I don't want three pink ping-pong balls for my birthday."
Relieved, his father let out a deep sigh, and said "Alright. What do you want, then?"
And his son replied, "I want four pink ping-pong balls."
This time, the man got a little angry. "What?!" he exclaimed. "Why do you want these pink ping-pong balls so much?!"
And his son coolly said, "I don't know. I just do."
Knowing that he could not convince his son otherwise, the man silently conceded defeat, and bought four pink ping-pong balls for his son.
*****
On his fifth birthday, the man took his son to the same toy store, and watched him walk up and down the aisles yet again.
After a good long amount of time, his son came to him, and said "I know what I want now."
"Oh," his father said, not even attempting to humor his son. He knew what was coming.
"For my birthday," his son told him, "I know what you think I want, and you're wrong. It's not eight pink ping-pong balls."
His father was ecstatic. "That's wonderful! I can't believe it! You're finally making this offer worth your --"
"Hold on, I'm not done!" his son replied, grinning. "For my birthday, I want..." He took a deep breath. "I want sixteen pink ping-pong balls!"
The man threw his hands up in the air. "Fine! If that's what you want, that's what you'll get. I just don't see what's so special about these pink ping-pong balls of yours." He bought them, wrapped them, and gave them to his son for his birthday.
*****
This behavior continued on for some time.
For his sixth birthday, the boy asked for thirty-two pink ping-pong balls.
For his seventh birthday, he asked for sixty-four pink ping-pong balls.
For his eighth birthday, he asked for one hundred and twenty-eight pink ping-pong balls.
And for his ninth birthday, he asked for two hundred and fifty-six pink ping-pong balls.
For his tenth birthday, he asked for five hundred and twelve pink ping-pong balls.
On his eleventh, he asked for one thousand and twenty-four pink ping-pong balls.
On his twelfth birthday, he asked for two thousand and forty-eight pink ping-pong balls.
This behavior continued further still, up until the year when the man's son was turning thirty-two, and was diagnosed with a terminal illness.
*****
The man, with his seemingly endless fortunes, was unable to cure his son's ailment. No matter who he turned to, or where he went, nobody was able to treat his son. There was no cure.
So for his son's thirty-second birthday, instead of taking him to the same old toy store, he went to his son's house. He said, "Son, I know how hard this is going to be. This is your last birthday. So this time..." He choked up, only slightly, and then continued. "This time... I want you to choose anything. Anything in the world. Whatever you want, I'll buy it for you. An expensive car, a million-dollar estate, a private jet... a --"
His son interrupted him. "Dad... That's very nice of you. But for my birthday, all I want... is two billion, one hundred and forty-seven million, four hundred and seventy-four million, four hundred and eighty-three thousand, six hundred and forty-eight pink ping pong balls."
Solemnly, and with great difficulty, the man slowly and painfully nodded his head in acknowledgement. "So... You want more pink ping-pong balls."
"Yes," his son replied.
"All right. I'll get them for you. If that's what you really want."
And he did.
*****
Four months later, the man's son was on his deathbed. His father stood over him during his last moments.
"Son..." he said.
"It's okay, dad. I'll be fine." He smiled.
The man shook his head. "No, I know that... I love you. But I've wanted to ask you something, for all these years."
"And what's that?" his son asked.
"I," the man replied, "would like to know, why is it that you wanted nothing but pink ping-pong balls for your birthday, through your whole life?"
His son sighed. "Do you really want to know?"
"Yes." His father nodded solemnly.
"All right. I'll tell you." He took a deep breath. "The reason I've wanted all those pink ping-pong balls, is --"
And he promptly died.
RakuraiTenjin
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I don't get itSolaris said:
What's a chippy?
Da-Muffin-Man
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Because, if he quotes them he will get more posts, which will increase the size of his E-Penis
Javert
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There's this religion that doesn't allow sex for 7 days after marriage.
The old marrying couple were like, "Yeah, no sweat".
The middle aged couple were like, "It was tough, but we managed".
The young couple said, "I'm sorry priest, but we couldn't do it".
The priest asked, "What happened?"
Husband: "Well my wife bent down to pick up a can of paint, and I couldn't take it anymore and ravished her on the spot".
The priest shook his head, "I'm sorry, but you're not allowed in our religion anymore".
The husband replied, "That's ok, we're not allowed in Home Depot anymore either".
*******************************************
Ok, so there was this Swedish couple named the Judes that were happily married together for a very long time.
One night in bed, the wife looked at her husband and slapped him, saying, "That's for 17 years of bad sex."
The husband looked at her, then slapped her and said, "THAT'S for knowing the difference!"
********************************************
Are "Aristocrats" jokes allowed?
To Shens: It involves language.
The old marrying couple were like, "Yeah, no sweat".
The middle aged couple were like, "It was tough, but we managed".
The young couple said, "I'm sorry priest, but we couldn't do it".
The priest asked, "What happened?"
Husband: "Well my wife bent down to pick up a can of paint, and I couldn't take it anymore and ravished her on the spot".
The priest shook his head, "I'm sorry, but you're not allowed in our religion anymore".
The husband replied, "That's ok, we're not allowed in Home Depot anymore either".
*******************************************
Ok, so there was this Swedish couple named the Judes that were happily married together for a very long time.
One night in bed, the wife looked at her husband and slapped him, saying, "That's for 17 years of bad sex."
The husband looked at her, then slapped her and said, "THAT'S for knowing the difference!"
********************************************
Are "Aristocrats" jokes allowed?
To Shens: It involves language.
dream431ca
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What do you call a black pilot??
A Pilot..you RACIST!! LOL!!
RakuraiTenjin
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lol nice.dream431ca said:
HunterSeeker
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This one is a litte bit questionable but delete if it crosses the line (warning: requires geographical knowledge):
Why could Jesus not be born in Norway?
Becouse three wise men could not come from the east.
Why could Jesus not be born in Norway?
Becouse three wise men could not come from the east.
D
dmgak
Guest
darth vader, "i know what you got for christmas luke"
luke, "how?"
darth, "i felt your presents"
luke, "how?"
darth, "i felt your presents"
Sulkdodds
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A man walks into a bar, falls to the floor with a cracked skull, suffers a concussion and severe brain damage, slips into a coma and dies in hospital two days later. Now tell me, just what the **** is so funny about that?
EDIT: <3 that Darth Vader one
EDIT: <3 that Darth Vader one
D
dmgak
Guest
while were on the subject of jokes, i went to see al murray last night at my local theatre place. hes well known in england as 'the pub landlord'. he did a series called, "time, gentlemen please" it was soo funny.i cant really quote some stuff off him because you would have to have been there to understand the humor. but it was just excellent, apart from the fact it started half an hour late.
edit: ok i will attempt to quote one of his things. he said to the audience, "anyone here like star wars?" someone from the front row put their hand up. he went on about star wars fro about a minute, i mean like really ranting on about the storyline, "C3P0, R2D2, how anakin is found at 9 years old, has so many midecloreans, the jedi wants to train him, the council wont let him, so he trains him outside of the councils ruling, then he goes behind his word and says all about why should we do this, then goes to tatooine and kills the monsters, then fights the big monsters in the arena, then the jedi come in and fight then anakin and obi wan fight count dooku, then on the next film he gets killed, then they fight each other and obi wan then gets killed in ep 4 then ep 5 luke gets his arm chopeed off and all this.. well... GROW UP SON!!!" roflmao was the whole audience.
edit: ok i will attempt to quote one of his things. he said to the audience, "anyone here like star wars?" someone from the front row put their hand up. he went on about star wars fro about a minute, i mean like really ranting on about the storyline, "C3P0, R2D2, how anakin is found at 9 years old, has so many midecloreans, the jedi wants to train him, the council wont let him, so he trains him outside of the councils ruling, then he goes behind his word and says all about why should we do this, then goes to tatooine and kills the monsters, then fights the big monsters in the arena, then the jedi come in and fight then anakin and obi wan fight count dooku, then on the next film he gets killed, then they fight each other and obi wan then gets killed in ep 4 then ep 5 luke gets his arm chopeed off and all this.. well... GROW UP SON!!!" roflmao was the whole audience.
Beerdude26
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Long joke :
A fly is flying over a river.
In that river is a fish.
That fish thinks : "Now if that fly would fly just a little lower, I'd be able to jump out of the water and snatch it."
A bit further is a stern.
That stern thinks : "Now if that fly would fly just a little lower, the fish would probably snatch it and while he's eating I'd swim at him and devour him."
A few metres away is a bear.
Now that bear thinks : "Now if that fly would fly just a little lower, the fish would probably snatch it, and that stern over there would take advantage of that by swimming towards it and devouring it. While it's eating, I'll just swipe it out of the water."
Some 100 metres further is a hunter.
Now that hunter thinks : "Now if that fly would fly just a little lower, the fish would probably snatch it, and that stern over there would take advantage of that by swimming towards it and devouring it. That bear will swipe the stern out of the water, and while it's eating, I'll shoot it with my rifle."
A few metres away from the hunter is a mouse.
Now that mouse thinks : "Now if that fly would fly just a little lower, the fish would probably snatch it, and that stern over there would take advantage of that by swimming towards it and devouring it. That bear will swipe the stern out of the water, and while it's eating, this hunter here will probably shoot it, and that lovely sandwich with cheese will fall out of his back pocket by the rifle backfire."
Behind the mouse is a cat hiding behind a bush.
The cat thinks : "Now if that fly would fly just a little lower, the fish would probably snatch it, and that stern over there would take advantage of that by swimming towards it and devouring it. That bear will swipe the stern out of the water, and while it's eating, that hunter over there will shoot it and that sandwich with cheese will probably fall out of his back pocket by the rifle backfire. That mouse will start eating and I'll just jump on it and I'll have a tasty meal."
NOW WHAT HAPPENS?
The fly flies a little lower, the fish DARTS out of the water, snatches the fly and starts eating eat. The stern RUSHES to the fish and starts to devour it. The bear runs to the stern and SWIPES the stern out of the water. The hunter fires, but the sandwich with cheese doesn't fall out of the hunter's back pocket. The mouse is dissappointed and wants to walk away. The cat, thinking the sandwich did fall, jumps out of its cover and runs for the mouse. The mouse tries to get away, but is cornered at the river. The cat leaps for its prey, but the mouse avoids it and the cat falls into the water.
MORALE OF THE STORY : The longer the foreplay, the wetter the pussy.
A fly is flying over a river.
In that river is a fish.
That fish thinks : "Now if that fly would fly just a little lower, I'd be able to jump out of the water and snatch it."
A bit further is a stern.
That stern thinks : "Now if that fly would fly just a little lower, the fish would probably snatch it and while he's eating I'd swim at him and devour him."
A few metres away is a bear.
Now that bear thinks : "Now if that fly would fly just a little lower, the fish would probably snatch it, and that stern over there would take advantage of that by swimming towards it and devouring it. While it's eating, I'll just swipe it out of the water."
Some 100 metres further is a hunter.
Now that hunter thinks : "Now if that fly would fly just a little lower, the fish would probably snatch it, and that stern over there would take advantage of that by swimming towards it and devouring it. That bear will swipe the stern out of the water, and while it's eating, I'll shoot it with my rifle."
A few metres away from the hunter is a mouse.
Now that mouse thinks : "Now if that fly would fly just a little lower, the fish would probably snatch it, and that stern over there would take advantage of that by swimming towards it and devouring it. That bear will swipe the stern out of the water, and while it's eating, this hunter here will probably shoot it, and that lovely sandwich with cheese will fall out of his back pocket by the rifle backfire."
Behind the mouse is a cat hiding behind a bush.
The cat thinks : "Now if that fly would fly just a little lower, the fish would probably snatch it, and that stern over there would take advantage of that by swimming towards it and devouring it. That bear will swipe the stern out of the water, and while it's eating, that hunter over there will shoot it and that sandwich with cheese will probably fall out of his back pocket by the rifle backfire. That mouse will start eating and I'll just jump on it and I'll have a tasty meal."
NOW WHAT HAPPENS?
The fly flies a little lower, the fish DARTS out of the water, snatches the fly and starts eating eat. The stern RUSHES to the fish and starts to devour it. The bear runs to the stern and SWIPES the stern out of the water. The hunter fires, but the sandwich with cheese doesn't fall out of the hunter's back pocket. The mouse is dissappointed and wants to walk away. The cat, thinking the sandwich did fall, jumps out of its cover and runs for the mouse. The mouse tries to get away, but is cornered at the river. The cat leaps for its prey, but the mouse avoids it and the cat falls into the water.
MORALE OF THE STORY : The longer the foreplay, the wetter the pussy.
Quixoticism
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Quoted for TruthRaziaar said:
Muffin Man
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there are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary logic, and those who don't :naughty:
and i wanted to rip my face in half after that pink ping pong joke.... but i didn't quote it because i don't care about my e-penis, lolz
and i wanted to rip my face in half after that pink ping pong joke.... but i didn't quote it because i don't care about my e-penis, lolz
ktimekiller
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jellys joke was far too long ><
JellyWorld
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I didn't write that joke, shens posted it sometime ago. Dunno if shens made it up (wouldn't put it past him), of if he copied it from somewhere else.ktimekiller said:
TheSomeone
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Stigmata said:
Oh.
My.
God...
.
...
...
...
:|
Glirk Dient
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How did Helen Kellar meet her boyfriend?
A BLIND DATE!
OH SNAP!
A BLIND DATE!
OH SNAP!
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