The official "Post your best jokes" thread.
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Yuri
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You did it wrong, Hazar. :|
"Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think that the second one would've seen it"
LOLOLOLOLOZOLZLZOLZL OMFG FUNNEH
Also:
"A Chinese man, an American man, and a British man all walk into a bar. The bartenter says:
'What is this, some kind of joke?'"
I'm. So. Funny. :|
"Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think that the second one would've seen it"
LOLOLOLOLOZOLZLZOLZL OMFG FUNNEH
Also:
"A Chinese man, an American man, and a British man all walk into a bar. The bartenter says:
'What is this, some kind of joke?'"
I'm. So. Funny. :|
Prince of China
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Student: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Student: Okay, I didn't do my homework.
____________________________________________________________
A man one day rides his bike up to the Mexican border, carrying two bags.
The guard asks, "What's in those bags?"
The man replies, "Sand."
Being suspicious, the guard detained the man and analyzed the bags to find out that there was nothing but sand, pure sand.
The man is set free and rides his bike to Mexico.
The next day, the man comes again on his bike and the guard, once again, analyzes his bags to find out that they're nothing but pure sand.
Everyday for the past two years, this has happened, until one day, the guard and the man meet in a bar. The guard asks, "I can't figure out what it is you're smuggling. I know you're smuggling something, but what is it? I must know! I am desperate for the truth."
The man replies, " Do you really want to know?
"Yes!"
The man says, " I've been smuggling bicycles."
____________________________________________________________
*Boy enters room where his sister is playing music and hears the words: Bitch and bastard.
Boy: Sis, what does bitch and bastard mean?
Sister: Oh...it uhh...it means: coats and hats.
*Boy goes upstairs where his dad is shaving and accidentally cuts himself.
Dad: Shit!
Boy: Dad, what does shit mean?
Dad: Oh, uh...it means to: shave.
*Boy goes downstairs where his mother is slicing the turkey and accidentally cuts her finger.
Mom: Fu ck!
Boy: Mom, what does fu ck mean?
Mom: It means, to slice.
*2 hours later, the boy's grandmother comes.
Boy: Grandma, let me hang up your bitch and bastard!
Grandmother: *Gasp* Where are your parents?
Boy: My dad is upstairs shitting his face and my mom is in the kitch fu cking the turkey.
Teacher: Of course not.
Student: Okay, I didn't do my homework.
____________________________________________________________
A man one day rides his bike up to the Mexican border, carrying two bags.
The guard asks, "What's in those bags?"
The man replies, "Sand."
Being suspicious, the guard detained the man and analyzed the bags to find out that there was nothing but sand, pure sand.
The man is set free and rides his bike to Mexico.
The next day, the man comes again on his bike and the guard, once again, analyzes his bags to find out that they're nothing but pure sand.
Everyday for the past two years, this has happened, until one day, the guard and the man meet in a bar. The guard asks, "I can't figure out what it is you're smuggling. I know you're smuggling something, but what is it? I must know! I am desperate for the truth."
The man replies, " Do you really want to know?
"Yes!"
The man says, " I've been smuggling bicycles."
____________________________________________________________
*Boy enters room where his sister is playing music and hears the words: Bitch and bastard.
Boy: Sis, what does bitch and bastard mean?
Sister: Oh...it uhh...it means: coats and hats.
*Boy goes upstairs where his dad is shaving and accidentally cuts himself.
Dad: Shit!
Boy: Dad, what does shit mean?
Dad: Oh, uh...it means to: shave.
*Boy goes downstairs where his mother is slicing the turkey and accidentally cuts her finger.
Mom: Fu ck!
Boy: Mom, what does fu ck mean?
Mom: It means, to slice.
*2 hours later, the boy's grandmother comes.
Boy: Grandma, let me hang up your bitch and bastard!
Grandmother: *Gasp* Where are your parents?
Boy: My dad is upstairs shitting his face and my mom is in the kitch fu cking the turkey.
DreamThrall
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Ikerous said:
I BEG TO DIFFER!!!!!
oh wait, nevermind...
DreamThrall
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A guy walks into a bar with his friend, who happens to be a giraffe. They both sit down at the bar and start drinking. The giraffe is a bit of a lightweight and gets smashed fairly quickly and eventually passes out on the floor. A few hours later, when the guy gets up to call a taxi, and the bartender yells "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!", to which the guy responds: "Lion? He's a freakin giraffe!" and proceeds to walk out the door.
Hmm, I think that's best told aurally.
Hmm, I think that's best told aurally.
DreamThrall
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Ikerous said:Dude, you're disgusting
Who'd screw a dead baby?
Who said anything about a DEAD baby?
Prince of China
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DreamThrall
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Ikerous said:
The point I was making was that the person who told the joke didn't say anything about the baby being dead.
DreamThrall
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Ikerous said:
mmmyeah didn't realize it was you. no need to be rude.
TinyKilbasa
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Whats the Difference between a polition and a trampolene?
You take your shoes off when you jump on the Trampolene.
A
anti_authority
Guest
wuts the diff between a viper and a [ile of dead babies?
-i dont have a viper in my garage :hmph:
______________________________________________________
wanna hear a joke?
-womens rights!
--------------------------------------------------------------
how much wood can a woodchuck chuck?
-who cares? bigfoots skrewin a goat in the background!
--------------------------------------------------------------
why did the monkey fall outta the tree?
-cause it was dead!!
______________________________________________________
What did the farmer say when he couldnt find his tractor?
-Wheres my tractor?
im soo phunny its hurts :|
-i dont have a viper in my garage :hmph:
______________________________________________________
wanna hear a joke?
-womens rights!
--------------------------------------------------------------
how much wood can a woodchuck chuck?
-who cares? bigfoots skrewin a goat in the background!
--------------------------------------------------------------
why did the monkey fall outta the tree?
-cause it was dead!!
______________________________________________________
What did the farmer say when he couldnt find his tractor?
-Wheres my tractor?
im soo phunny its hurts :|
Steve
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What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies?
-you can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork
What's blue and sits in a corner?
-a choking baby
What's green and sits in a corner?
-same baby, three months later
What's pink and goes *clank clank clank* in a corner?
-a baby with forks in its eyes
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
-because it was stapled to the chicken
What's pink and goes *tap tap tap* on the glass
-a baby in a microwave
What's pink and goes *tap tap tap* on the glass every five seconds?
-a baby in a carousel microwave
-you can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork
What's blue and sits in a corner?
-a choking baby
What's green and sits in a corner?
-same baby, three months later
What's pink and goes *clank clank clank* in a corner?
-a baby with forks in its eyes
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
-because it was stapled to the chicken
What's pink and goes *tap tap tap* on the glass
-a baby in a microwave
What's pink and goes *tap tap tap* on the glass every five seconds?
-a baby in a carousel microwave
sublidieminal
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umop said:
THat made me gag.
AcousticToad
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You see there's this cat burglar who can't see in the dark.
He lays his bets on 8 more lives, walks into a bar.
Slips on the 8 ball, falls on his knife.
Says, "I don't know what I've done, but it doesn't feel right!"
Go figure...I dont get it but thought it was funny, its from REM's 'Worst joke ever'
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something
wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad.
Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his
bedroom.
One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "! come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce,
" I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed
to get two boys!"
I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my
teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed
me.
(Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny
little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know.
(I really do think she was being snotty here, too, don't you?) We peered at
the patient.
After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to
the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one
thing, but this boy is of her womb.) The vet took Ernie back to the
examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.
"This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...
Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male.
And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they
um.... er....masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing
this.
"So Ernie's just... just... Excited?" my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even
laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny
little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son
back into the car.
He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks
Trip to the Vet ..30 bucks...
Mental picture of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker......
Priceless!
He lays his bets on 8 more lives, walks into a bar.
Slips on the 8 ball, falls on his knife.
Says, "I don't know what I've done, but it doesn't feel right!"
Go figure...I dont get it but thought it was funny, its from REM's 'Worst joke ever'
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something
wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad.
Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his
bedroom.
One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "! come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce,
" I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed
to get two boys!"
I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my
teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed
me.
(Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny
little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know.
(I really do think she was being snotty here, too, don't you?) We peered at
the patient.
After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to
the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one
thing, but this boy is of her womb.) The vet took Ernie back to the
examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.
"This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...
Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male.
And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they
um.... er....masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing
this.
"So Ernie's just... just... Excited?" my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even
laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny
little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son
back into the car.
He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks
Trip to the Vet ..30 bucks...
Mental picture of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker......
Priceless!
SLH
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- Sep 5, 2003
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What's worse than a pile of babies in a corner?
A pile of dead babies.
What's worse than a pile of dead babies in the corner?
A pile of dead babies with one trying to eat it's way out.
What's worse than that?
When it goes back for 2nds.
A pile of dead babies.
What's worse than a pile of dead babies in the corner?
A pile of dead babies with one trying to eat it's way out.
What's worse than that?
When it goes back for 2nds.
K e r b e r o s
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Opterskates? You've made a new word. It also sounds like a band from the Netherlands. Think about it...
DreamThrall
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TIIMMYY said:
Worst. Pirate joke.
Ever.
Go to your room.
HunterSeeker
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(Norweigan joke that requires some geography knowledge.)
Why could Jesus not be born in norway?
Becouse three wise men could not come from the east.
Why could Jesus not be born in norway?
Becouse three wise men could not come from the east.
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