Top Ten Reasons for HL2 Delay [Humor]

[Mountain Man]

I know these aren't all totally original (Steam jokes and Valve's email habits are easy targets), but here's my own list that I wrote this morning:

10) Local Burrito Factory scheduled to be closed. Gabe too busy circulating protest petition to bother with the game.

9) After including spoken dialogue for Gordon Freeman, suddenly remember that Gordon doesn't talk. All levels need to be redone from scratch.

8) Gabe Newell harshly criticized by former boss Bill Gates for actually wanting to meet customer's expectations. "I thought I taught you better than that!" chastises Gates. Newell, ashamed, changes his business strategy accordingly.

7) Despite best efforts, Valve couldn't squash delay rumors. Figured "if you can't beat them, may as well join them."

6) Valve team too busy answering email questions from fans. Completely forgot they have a game to produce.

5) Doctoring benchmark software in ATI's favor more time consuming than initially thought.

4) Fragmaster's constant negativity depressed programming team, reduced productivity.

3) Gabe Newell came to a startling realization that Iraq's information minister probably isn't the best role model.

2) Valve has epiphany: "Steam really ain't that great of an idea."

And the number one reason:

1) Valve flat out sucks at release date estimates.

 

[Demonmerc]

129. Valve had to clean their entire office for Spitcodyfry's visit. Then they forgot where they put half the stuff afterwards.

 

[Demonmerc]

130. Fragmaster is so buddy-buddy with Valve they delayed it so he wouldn't lose face.

131. The community has been suggesting so many cool ideas that they just HAVE to include some.

132. Gabe, Doug, Erik and the crew had to take time out of the schedule to go to therapy for being chronic liars.

133. Valve has been working so hard that they lost track of time; they think its June and the release is months away.

134. Erik Johnson's baby is so ugly they are making it a monster in HL2.

135. A watched pot never boils.

 

[Mountain Man]

136. Playtesters never thought to ask why all the levels were covered with an orange texture. Mistake discovered at last minute by art director as he wandered through playtesting offices looking for Pepsi machine.

 

[Demonmerc]

137. They are delaying HL2 to add a riot shield.

138. Some Vivendi bigwig recognized the loss of productivity and delayed HL2 until after their "busy season".

 

[festivalman]

139. Gabe's dog ate the full backup tape for the HL2 gold master, and it's going to take roughly 3 months for it to finish coming out the other end.

 

[Demonmerc]

thanks alot for making this thread worse....

140. With the way some people are acting, they deserve not playing HL2 yet.

 

[XtAkm4p]

141. During the burning of the gold disc, GN drops a gob of jeylly donut thru the topside fan of the tower's case. The cd drive spontenously opens before the cd stops spinning and the cd tray completely annihalates the cd. Meanwhile the gob of jelly donut corrupts the GN's DDR, destroying the only gold version. Valve's weekly auto-backup kicks in a second too late, sending the corrupt info to all offshore backup servers, which overwrites all previous versions.
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once again.... red text should be a banable offense.... ahhh my eyes!

 

[Prince of China]

142.Gabe hasn't learned how to fly yet.:|

 

[InsertNameHere]

143: Gabe got pissed off with all of the Gabe jokes (especially those involving weight or food), and decided to hold it back just to show you who's really in control.

 

[festivalman]

Not sure why there's so many jokes about his weight.. I'd be willing to bet that at least half the population of this board looks just like him.

 

[Prince of China]

I wasn't making fun of his weight, just the fact that he can't fly, but he'd like to.
I really hated that FatboyGabe guy, making all those lame Gabe jokes.

 

[MrMethane]

Originally posted by festivalman
Not sure why there's so many jokes about his weight.. I'd be willing to bet that at least half the population of this board looks just like him.

Yeah, I don't think I've ever made a fat joke in my life until now. I'm certainly not the epitome of fitness myself.

However, when people reach a certain level of fame its custom to publicly caricature their mental or physical shortcomings. That's not to say, of course, that some of the jokes haven't crossed the line. Maybe mine did, I'll let others be the judge of that.

In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'd like to ask you: Is it not better that I vent my frustration by making a joke than by beating up little old ladies?

Furthermo.. ! .. *kapow!* Ouch!! Stop it granny! I'll be a good boy!

 

[XtAkm4p]

Originally posted by Schmudi
[SIZE=really big]only one reason---> money money money -> thanks gabe[/SIZE]

you do know that theres a caps lock key right. use it if u wanna spam corectly

 

[morpherex]

I still think it's nvidia's fault.

 

[Triggerhappy41]

must....blame.....steam

 

[PLas]

I’d just like to say thank god for the revival of this thread. I think we can all use it now.


144 – Now that the game is finished valve are pimping it around for product placements.

145 – There is only one little job left to do before final release: tweak steam.

146 – the valve team are busy looking for the easter-egg in the preview trailers.

147 – HL2 multiplayer “Strider races” is proving far too addictive. The valve crew is busy coding “Strider races 2, the steeple chase” with real sized churches.

148 – the new AI is so advanced that Gordon and Alyx are demanding a cut of the profits. Contract arrangements take time to resolve.

149 – On completion of the game the whole valve team promptly went into shock. They’re all lying on the office floor at this moment.

150 – HL2 is canceled. Instead Valve will be releasing HL1.9 beta over steam.

151 – Valve are testing a new first person perspective called “Gordy view”. They need more time to decide whether or not to ship it. See pic attached.