What do you tell a girl with 2 black eyes?

What's the difference between a dead baby and a computer?

I turn a computer on. A dead baby turns me on.
 
What did the hispanic Burgerking drive-thru worker say to pesidential candidate Barack Obama when he asked if they could make him a junior bacon cheeseburger with no mayonnaise?

Yes we can!
 
A man and his son were driving home one day. The son felt a bump. The car stopped and the dad started crying. The son asked why he was crying and the dad replied that he was upset since he knocked over a rabbit. The son felt another bump and the dad started crying again. The son again asked why he was crying. The dad replied that he was upset since he knocked over a deer. The son then felt 2 bumps and the dad started laughing. The son asked why he was laughing. The dad replied it was because he hit a paki. The son asked why there was 2 bumps. The dad said he went up to the kerb to hit him.

True story.
 
Mellish said:
A man and his son were driving home one day. The son felt a bump. The car stopped and the dad started crying. The son asked why he was crying and the dad replied that he was upset since he knocked over a rabbit. The son felt another bump and the dad started crying again. The son again asked why he was crying. The dad replied that he was upset since he knocked over a deer. The son then felt 2 bumps and the dad started laughing. The son asked why he was laughing. The dad replied it was because he hit a paki. The son asked why there was 2 bumps. The dad said he went up to the kerb to hit him.

True story.
Click to expand...
Oh. Wow.
 
What the similarity between getting lost in the forest and getting lost in Beijing?
Everything around you look the same.

Terrible, I know.
 
Yeah, terrible grammar!

Whats the similarity between a dead baby and a wrapped christmas present?
You open them both up to play with whats inside.

What is loud, red, and spins around and around?
A baby in the garbage disposal.

What do you call a baby laying on the porch in front of your door?
Door Matt.
 
The Monkey said:
What the similarity in getting lost in the forest and getting lost in Beijing?
Everything around you look the same.

Terrible, I know.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry but that doesn't outweigh my racist joke.
 
What do you call a black man with a DVD player?

THIEF!!!
 
There's a man and a giraffe sitting in a pub. They get into a fight and the man beats up the giraffe. When he's about to leave and the barman says "you can't leave that lying there" and the man says "it's not a lion, it's a giraffe".
 
My dreams will now be haunted by your bruised and STD-ridden testicles, Willie.
 
What's covered in rashes and is black and blue?

My toolbooth willie.
 
President Barack Obama dies and is confronted by St. Peter at the pearly gates of heaven:

St. Peter: "What great things have you accomplished in your life?"

Barack: "Well, I was the first black president of the United States."

St. Peter: "Really?!? THE FIRST black president of the United States?!"

Barack: "Yeah, only for about twenty minutes though."
 
lady says to her husband, who has just come home from the doctor, "No fat and no sugar." Man says to his wife, "You're leaving me?"
 
And the Lord said unto John, "come forth my son, and recieve eternal life." But John came fifth and got a toaster.
 
"Babeh, you know you're my consolation, consolation, consolation, consolation prize."

Sexy.
 
sang to the tune of Yankee Doodle



Hellen Keller went to town
a-riding on a pony
stuck a feather in her cap, and called it MAAAAAURGHAWRIYOORRUGH
 
What do you say when you wake up in the middle of the night and see your TV set floating in mid air?


"Put that down mother****er!"
 
A ukrainian man insists on adopting a black child. So husband and wife travel from orphanage to orphanage. And finally they find a black child at the tenth orphanage. They adopted the child and get him settled in the car to take him home. The wife finally asks, "Why did our child have to be black?". Husband replies, "This way, I am 100% certain he isn't russian".



A happy man has
an american pay-check
a british mansion
a japanese wife and
a chinese cook

An unhappy man has
a chinese pay-check
a british cook
a japanese house and
an american wife
 
Heaven is where the French do the administration, the Italians do the food and the British do the humour.

Hell is where the French do the humour, the Italians do the administration and the British do the food.
 
/holythreadrevival


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second
burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I
pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell
was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came
from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'
 
Came across this good one.

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
Aids.
 
How many women does it take to change the light bulb in the kitchen?

None, let the bitch wash dishes in the dark.
 
Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
 
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