What's the best joke you've ever heard?

I need to use that word more often.

Lush.
 
What has 40 legs and three sets of teeth?

The front row at a Garth Brooks concert.
 
What did the little boy with no legs get for Christmas?

CANCER
 
riomhaire that was legendary.

lol at Zombieturtle and Moto

boo to Delusional :(
 
There was a hippie who, every day, would take the bus to university. One day there was a nun riding next to him who he found strikingly beautiful - but didn't have the courage to say anything to her. He soon saw her every day; she seemed to take the same route.

Now, there was no way the hippie was going to just out and ask this nun if she'd betray her whole religion to hook up with him. Whenever he tried to speak to her, she just sniffed, and was taciturn; eventually he stopped bothering. But being a regular rider he knew the bus driver quite well, and so he asked the driver if there was anything he could do.

"I know that nun," said the bus driver. Every night, she goes to the graveyard at eleven to pray at the grave of her friend. If you go there and pretend that you're Jesus, there's no way she'll turn you down."

This struck the hippie as a great idea, so that night, he went to the graveyard dressed in a white robe, sandals, a fake beard, a tinfoil halo and all. Sure enough, there was the nun, kneeling in prayer by a grave in the fog. Well, he snuck around behind the grave and jumped out upon her, speaking in a booming voice: "I am Jesus Christ, the Lord your God, and I ask that this night we lie together in sin. This I command."

The nun couldn't deny the power of God. She agreed, but with one condition: "Please, O lord, do me from behind, so that i might remain a virgin and a sister of your holy orders. The disguised hippie agreed and advanced upon her.

After they had fucked, the man threw off his robe, revealing a tye-died shirt and hemp necklaces, and yelled "Ha ha! I'm the hippie!"

Much to the young man's surprise, the nun threw off her habit,
revealing a gray shirt and gray pants. Laughing, she yelled "Ha ha! I'm the bus driver!"
 
I think my favourite gag in a TV show is Peep Show, Series 2 Episode 8, where Jeremy and Super Hans raid that guy's apartment to get money from him. Super Hans approaches a worktop, brandishing a baseball bat. Seeing a cereal packet he says menacingly, "cornflakes, eh? I hear these are pretty expensive", then knocks the cereal to the floor with his baseball bat.

Riomhaire, bravo for the Holmes joke. I've heard it before but it's excellent.

Acepilotf14 said:
Two fish were in a tank.
One says, "I'll drive"
The other says, "I'll man the guns."
Click to expand...
WRONG!!! [/lex]

It's simply:
"There are two fish in a tank.
One says to the other: how do you drive this thing?"
 
*SNIP*

Hi everybody. I'm sulkdodds, a moderator here at Halflife2.net. Before I edited this post, it contained that very long joke about the snake in the desert. Now, it's a very funny joke, but as it's already been told once in this thread, wasting a massive amount of screenspace on it is not really justifiable. So I've cut it down and direct all curious readers a few pages back, where the joke was told for the first time.

Geo, re-edit this post into something else if you want. Ye bastid
cop-1.gif
 
Q: How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to change the light bulb, and the other to find out who really changed the light bulb.

Not the greatest joke in the world, but I've always liked it.
 
theotherguy said:
What did the little boy with no legs get for Christmas?

CANCER
Click to expand...

Congratulations on posting the only funny joke in this thread.


...


What's the difference between your mother and a mosquito?

The mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
 
I recall back in my first year of Catholic High School, I said to a group of students-

me-"Hey, you guys wanna hear a joke?"

group-"sure"

Me-"Organized Religion!"

Oh boy, that didn't go over well...
 
What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne?

acne waits till you're 15 to come on your face

too much?
 
This one involves another person, so ill play both. Then you try it with a friend and you will get the lol.

Person 1: "Ive got a funny joke, wanna hear it?"

Person 2: "Sure!"

Person 1: "Ok, so its about these two gay guys who are having sex. One of them comes up with an idea for a game. He says 'lets stick something into each other's asses, and then try to guess what they are!'. So they start playing, and the first guy sticks a banana into the other guy's ass. 'Its a banana!' the second guy says. The first guy then says 'Yep you're right! Now its my turn.' So the first guy turns around, and the second guy puts a uh.... um...."

Person 2: ...?

Person 1: "He puts a, uhh... what are those things you use when a toilets clogged?"

Person 2: "A plunger"

Person 1: "Oh, so you've played this game before?"

Person 2: "huh....?... oh...." :(

Person 1: "lololololol"
 
I have a black person in my family tree. Seriously I do. He's a teacher and he's married to my cousin.
 
How are Michael Jackson and McDonald's alike?

They both shove 40-year-old meat into 9-year-old buns.

What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

A pilot, you idiot!

What do you get when you split a baby down the middle with a pen-knife?

AN ERECTION!
 
TLDR

A cowboy rides into town, and he's really horny, so he asks the bartender. "Are there any really easy girls in town, that will lay me with no questions asked." The bartender replies, "There is one... but you won't like her." "I don't care, I'm really desperate." The bartender gives him the directions, and the cowby finds her and they start having sex. Except, its the worst sex he's ever had, her pussy was all dry and scratchy. She sees his obvious pain and says, "Hang on, I'll be right back." She goes into the other room for about five minutes, then comes back. When they start again, it was the best sex he's ever had, she was wet beyond belief and it was all smooth. He asked, "WHAT DID YOU DO?" She answered, "I picked the scabs and let it pus and bleed a little."
 
Emporius said:
When I was reading the newspaper today I saw a little article on the 'The World's Funniest Joke'. Psychologist Dr Richard Wiseman, from the University of Hertfordshire, set up a website/lab to find the funniest joke. People could submit and vote on jokes, and the study attracted more than 40,000 jokes and almost two million ratings. This was the winner:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Click to expand...

...and then Dr. Richard Wiseman learned that everyone has his own kind of humor, which means that such thing as "The World's Funniest Joke" doesn't exist.
 
Mommy mommy, there is a corpse under my bed! Mommy? MOMMY?!

How do you call the fat tissue around the vagina? Woman.

How many children does a Belgian have? 10 - 3 in the basement, 7 on tape.
 
How do you make a gay man shag your girlfriend?

Shit in her c_unt.
 
How many Freuds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



...



Two. One to screw in the lightbulb, and one to hold the penis. I mean, ladder.
 
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


Just two

How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Let's go ride bikes!

A priest told me this one:

How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
 
Ok, so there was this Swedish couple named the Judes that were happily married together for a very long time.
One night in bed, the wife looked at her husband and slapped him, saying, "That's for 17 years of bad sex."
The husband looked at her, then slapped her and said, "THAT'S for knowing the difference!"
 
How do you keep a blind man busy for a long time?
Give him a poppy seed roll to read.
 
Why did the Red Cross worker keep throwing up when she looked at the cripple with leporsy?
because his buddy was dipping his chips into his sores


Ok not a real joke.
 
Murray_H said:
How do you make a gay man shag your girlfriend?

Shit in her c_unt.
Click to expand...

haha yes! I said that one to some guys i was working with while we were having drinks in a bar, little did i know my g/f was coming back from the toilet and heard that, wasn't too impressed :hmph:
 
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have sex with my Ferrari.
 
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack…


The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.



P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!
 
Diarreah jokes/rhymes were popular when I was in grade school

Examples:

If your sliding into third and you feel a big turd, diarreah.

If your watching people act and your breeches get packed, diarreah.

If your eating lunch and you feel a big bunch, diarreah.



Some of us also made nasty haiku poems, but I never got into that. :D When me and my chums made these up, we were laughing so hard we had tears in our eyes. Yeah, I was very immature and still am. :LOL:
 
I don't write that story. It's been posted on the forum twice before, but it really deserves a place in every single joke thread.
 
A horse walks into a bar, says the bartender to the horse: "Why the long face?"
 
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