Your favourite internet stories

[CptStern]

here's mine, Ass Jihad

Sorry, I don't have anything to post about layoffs or politics, but I DO have another story from the Public Bathroom. Enjoy.

You are my arch nemisis. I see you wandering around as I go about my IT Computer Nerd business: Tall. Middle Eastern. Pot Belly. We catch each others eye every now and then and give each other a slight nod. I know you, I know what you do and I am on to your games.

I saw you this morning, we made eye contact. You nodded and took another bite of whatever Death-Ass producing garbage you fuel up on that makes the bathroom, smell like the inside of a dead monkey's colon, and nodded at me. I got you this time, fucker.

I give you my icey grin and nod back, then hurry back to my office. It's almost noon, and that's the time you like to run to the toilet and preform your daily ASS JIHAD on all the people just trying to wash their hands. Maybe in your country there is no commen sense that would tell you that lunch time = hand wash time. People want to get clean and eat, not be fumigated with the high octane liquid shit attack you subjigate them too.

But I got you this time. Yeah fucker I GOT SOMETHING COOKING UP FOR YOU! Two egg sandwiches with cheese. Greasy sausage patties. A couple glasses of Tang. Some leftover Chinese food. A Twix. Root Beer Soda. Some steamed brocoli I had in the fridge. A Hot Pocket with peperonni and cheese. A Chocolate Poptart. And like a cherry on top ... a McDonald's Quaterpounder with cheese.

I never eat this shit, it's all greasy and fucking nasty, but today is the day I fight back. I go out for a quick mile jog and almsot die. My stomach feels like there are two midgets fighting to the death inside there. I walk back to work, ass clenched tighter than a virgin's thighs at Church.

Great. The hot chick from next door wants to chat. She assumes the sweat on my face and arms is from running. She doesn't realize that it's a cold sweat induced by my severe sphicter trauma. She finally shuts up and I stagger to the Death Ass Arena.

You are there already in your favorite stall: The one right next to the fucking sinks. You stupid, socially retarded ****. Fine. You have yet to begin your daily purge of Middle Eastern Ass Stew. I enter the stall next to you and drop my pants in preperation of the upcomming battle.

Your opening slavo is fired: A sloppy wet fart with a solid-shot closer. I laugh and show you the power of Advanced American Foodstuffs.

The tuba fart I unleash echos off the walls and shrinks my waistline about an inch. The guy at the urinal laughs as I slap the wall between you and I and say "Back to YOU, Kajid!". You are silent, I assume you know who I am and that the time has come for us to battle. I know you are summoning your intestinal fortitude for full out war.

You do not dissapoint me.

With a hissing "SSSShhhhhzzzzzzzzz!" you squirt out a deadly spray of ass juice that pollutes the air and makes my head swim. The pisser at the urinal is no longer laughing, he quickly zips up and runs for the door. He did not stop to wash his hands, instead opting to head for the hills. I cover my mouth and nose with my shirt and the black spots dissapear from my vision. My head clears. I am ready.

"AAaaaaaaaRRRRRGGGHHH!" I yell, as I drop Big Tim. That's short for "Big Timber" ... AKA "Mississippi Butt Log".

Quick-fire farts stutter out of my ass, as I push the monster log from the Shit Dimension into our reality. The beefy, yeasty stench easily overpowers the Indian Ass Gutter oder of your previous attack. Mega Turd hits the water in the bowl with a mighty splash, the reek is that of a dead whale slowly ripening in the hot, tropical sun. I catch my breath and wipe my brow, and start to pat myself on the back. I should have known the battle was not over.

The only thing I can think of is that you must has completly unzipped your ass to your elbow. That's the only way I could begin to explain the lumpy, creamy splashs falling out of your ass into the toilet. It sounds like you are pouring a gallon of strawberry shake with whole strawberries in it into the shitter. I see the hairs on my arms start to curl from the horrid stench wafting up from under your stall. I shudder and sway on my throne, unsure if I will survive.

I have no choice. I must employ the Deal Breaker. I hunker down and clench my hands together. My fingers twitch and entwine like a nest of snakes, almost like I am running through a series of ancient Ninja Hand Symbols. My feet lift up onto the toes and my legs start to shake.

"You want to play??" I growls. A low moaning comes from my stomach, like a dinosaur calling into a swampy, foggy night. "YOU GOT IT! AAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Like Cloud summoning The Knights of the Round in Final Fantasy 7, I summon the Excalibur of Turd Demons to destroy my enemy. Hot magma-like shit rockets out of my ass, releasing a noxious, sticky cloud of deadly recal perfume. I hear you gag and see your feet shuffle around, but you can't get away, can you? No. You can't.

Veins throb on my neck and temples as the turd monster tears itself from my bowels. My lips skin back from my now clenched teeth and I try not to scream. Your roll of toilet paper rolls into my stall. You must have torn it from the wall with numb fingers in an attempt to "Wipe and Scoot". Too late. MUCH too late!

Oders pound you with merciless fists: Rotten Fruitcake stuffed with boiled chicken assholes. Hammered shit-logs served on a bed of week old white rice. Rosie O'Donnel's racid crotch farts. The smell of your mom's dank, hairy Middle Eastern armpits.

Your stall door bangs open and you stagger out. You take three unsteady steps to the door and can barely open it wide enough to slip out. I laugh at you before you leave. "Yeah! RUN, Fucker!" I yell, and laugh again. You say nothing.

It's all over except for the clean up. Fuck with me again, you shit filled Anal Terrorist. Me and my ass will be waiting.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/323013997.html

 

[Smoke]

I think I just cried out my brain.

 

[Solaris]

I'm fairly sure you posted this before in your 'best of criags list thread', else someone else certainly did.

 

[CyberPitz]

I think it was Stern, and I'm glad he posted it again, so hilarious.

 

[CptStern]

I'm fairly sure you posted this before in your 'best of criags list thread', else someone else certainly did.

ya I've posted it a few times ..never ceases to amuse though so thought it was worth a repost in the guise of a thread on good internet stories



add stories bitches

 

[Solaris]

Er one time there was this guy called lemon king.

 

[Asknoone]

I was going to post about how you shouldn't have bypassed the filter, but that was good, so, I'll let you off.

 

[Beerdude26]

Always liked this CL rant:

**** you, chores.

**** you, cleaning the fridge. How the hell do you get so dirty? I don't eat in there, I simply store food. What the **** is that stain on the bottom shelf? Do gnomes have parties in here when I'm at work or something? Nasty little gnomes. And, for some reason, I feel really, really vulnerable when I'm bent over, scrubbing your gross shelves. Don't know why. So thank you for keeping my beer cold, but **** you for making a mess of it.

**** you, paying bills. Every goddamned month? Are you kidding me? I barely even watched TV this month, I still gotta shell out all that cash? And, while I'm at it, **** your pathetic little late fees. They're small enough for me to easily ignore them but they add up over time. So thank you for the electricity, water and internet, but **** you for your constant demands.

**** you, deleting old porn to make room for new porn. What man can make this decision? It's like choosing which of my kids to leave behind on the sinking ship. Am I tired of that one slightly chubby girl who doesn't make much noise? ****, this is killing me. I hate my old ass computer.

**** you, changing light bulbs. It's 2006, right? I was pissed when I wasn't issued a jetpack in 2000 (where's my ****ing raygun?!?), but I figured by now technology would've at least advanced to the point where I don't have to stand on my wobbly chair and deal with this crap. Two bonus **** yous: for scaring the crap out of me when I walk into a darkened room, innocently flick the switch and get momentarily blinded by that huge flash and terrifying pop! Also, for somehow convincing your lightbulb brethren to join you, causing a chain reaction that means I'm filled with fear whenever I turn on a light. Pop! Pop! Pop! What, did you all join in a suicide pact while I was asleep?
Bastards.

**** you, washing dishes. Yes, I know, you smell funny, and I know the longer I wait, the more weird slime stuff is just gonna accumulate on you. That's why I've pretty much switched to just using paper plates (**** you, environment) and eating with my hands. I'm a caveman in an apartment.

Finally, **** you, writing this rant.

 

[Laivasse]

The Greatest Story Ever Told. Warning: Fecal descriptions abound.

 

[Druckles]

I can't even dream of competing with that...

Wow...

 

[Seppo]

I can't even dream of competing with that...

Wow...

i don't even want to compete with that.

 

[CptStern]

I can almost compete with that ...my brother in law does Crime scene/accident/biohazard clean up ..I cant give too many details as there's a NDA but suffice to say one of the houses he had to clean was occupied by two mentally handicapped people who in their 5 years of living there had never flushed the toilet ..ever ....there was a shit mountain protruding literally 2 feet above the toilet and continued to reach the floor as half of it had flopped over ..it was rock hard ..there were similiar mounds throughout the house ..one had a spiders nest and most had petrified ...the living room was almost inaccesible as the floor was almost entirely covered in shit mounds ..it took them 2 weeks to clean, they had to rip out floorboards and throw everything out ...total bill was $15,000 for the cleanup

 

[NeptuneUK]

That was funny as f*ck

 

[CyberPitz]

The Greatest Story Ever Told. Warning: Fecal descriptions abound.

I just spent the last hour reading that here at work.

my god...I'm passing this 'shit' around.

 

[Laivasse]

It's old, btw, but probably so old that most people have forgotten it by now. I love it, esp the climax with the saxophone.

 

[mindless_moder]

http://www.tuckermax.com/stories.phtml nuff said ?.

 

[Beerdude26]

Ooh! Ooh! Read up on "Tucker tries out buttsex"-one first, it's a beautiful introduction