Chuck Norris Jokes

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* Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

* Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

* Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.

more at http://www.absath.com/?p=183.

:E
 
Chuck Norris's chief export is pain.

Everyone's already seen these but they're still funny.
 
Ha, I needed a good laugh.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Click to expand...
:LOL:
 
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 hot dogs in twelve minutes. Chuck Norris ate twelve asian babies in 50 minutes. Chuck Norris wins.
 
Chuck Norris is a spokensman for bringing intelligent design into schools (cuz god loves karate and beating up on people it seems)

I'd laugh if it werent true:


"Chuck Norris: So that's why we're here. Because we want the Bible curriculum to be a choice in the school where the kids can make their own decisions, not us saying...

Gina Norris:...what you can and can't do...

Chuck Norris: ...what you cannot and cannot...what you can and cannot do, that it is evolution and that's it. Let them make up their own mind, and that's why we're here to support this program."


watch the video (it's really long, chuck talks about 14 minutes in) video where he gones on and on and on about the bible and how Darwin is satan etc



Chuck when asked if he used the Bible when teaching marial arts:

"Chuck Norris: No, we do not teach Biblical principles in school. We do teach a philosophy, uh, positive affirmations every day. We teach these kids that they can be anything they wanna be, we keep encouraging them that they can be anything that their hearts desire.

Gina Norris: Which builds strong moral character.

Chuck Norris: Yeah, which builds strong moral character. But if you look at the Bible, and read the Bible, that's what the Bible does too. You know, it teaches you to be a strong individual person with a positive attitude about life. Uh, but of course we don't teach the Biblical aspects of that. But the, uh, Oriental, the uh, martial arts philosophy that I, you know that I've uh taught in my schools for many many years, and uh, and just to uh, encourage them to succeed in their lives. And uh, and through that, uh, philosophy, and them building up that self-image of themselves through the kicks and punches they do, that's really a tool. Teaching them how to punch and kick and all that, it's just a tool to raise their self-esteem."

he's comparing kicking somebody's teeth in with the bible

:rolling:
 
He called Walker: Texas Ranger a christian show. Now it's godlike to roundhouse someone every 5 minutes :D
 
"Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5."

My favorite.
 
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
Click to expand...
They're all great :D
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.
Click to expand...
 
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because the only element he recognises is the element of surprise.
 
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Click to expand...
Hahahaa...
 
You are what you eat. That is why Chuck Norris' diet consists entirely of
bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he Brutally kicks you
in the throat.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charlie". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he
brutally kicks them in the throat. Then he farts.
 
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, “Trix are for Chuck Norris.”

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.


Some of my favorites.
 
CptStern said:
Chuck Norris is a spokensman for bringing intelligent design into schools (cuz god loves karate and beating up on people it seems)

I'd laugh if it werent true:


"Chuck Norris: So that's why we're here. Because we want the Bible curriculum to be a choice in the school where the kids can make their own decisions, not us saying...

Gina Norris:...what you can and can't do...

Chuck Norris: ...what you cannot and cannot...what you can and cannot do, that it is evolution and that's it. Let them make up their own mind, and that's why we're here to support this program."


watch the video (it's really long, chuck talks about 14 minutes in) video where he gones on and on and on about the bible and how Darwin is satan etc



Chuck when asked if he used the Bible when teaching marial arts:

"Chuck Norris: No, we do not teach Biblical principles in school. We do teach a philosophy, uh, positive affirmations every day. We teach these kids that they can be anything they wanna be, we keep encouraging them that they can be anything that their hearts desire.

Gina Norris: Which builds strong moral character.

Chuck Norris: Yeah, which builds strong moral character. But if you look at the Bible, and read the Bible, that's what the Bible does too. You know, it teaches you to be a strong individual person with a positive attitude about life. Uh, but of course we don't teach the Biblical aspects of that. But the, uh, Oriental, the uh, martial arts philosophy that I, you know that I've uh taught in my schools for many many years, and uh, and just to uh, encourage them to succeed in their lives. And uh, and through that, uh, philosophy, and them building up that self-image of themselves through the kicks and punches they do, that's really a tool. Teaching them how to punch and kick and all that, it's just a tool to raise their self-esteem."

he's comparing kicking somebody's teeth in with the bible

:rolling:
Click to expand...

PROOF POSITIVE THAT THE BIBLE IS THE WORD OF GOD
 
Chuck Norris already went to Mars, that's why there is no life there.

Only person ever to kill G-man was Chuck Norris with his round house kick. -But of course G-man came back to life and owned him by slowing down time and hitting him with the paddle hidden in his suit case-

Chuck Norris doesnt screw guys because he's gay, he just ran out of women.
 
I heard Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer, but he's never cried. But that may be wrong because there is an article where Chuck says he broke down crying. Who woulda thought Chuck would be an emo?
 
OMG G-man > Chuck Norris Dont make me start a pole!
 
Ending of Aftermath: G-man annhiliates the Combine and Chuck Norris
 
madog said:
Ending of Aftermath: G-man annhiliates the Combine and Chuck Norris
Click to expand...
You obviously don;t understand the sheer power contained within Chuck Norris
 
Icarusintel said:
You obviously don;t understand the sheer power contained within Chuck Norris
Click to expand...

I dunno it would seem like a fair fight. Chuck may have a roundhouse kick that breaks the speed of light but G-man has ub3r 1337 h4x.
 
madog said:
I dunno it would seem like a fair fight. Chuck may have a roundhouse kick that breaks the speed of light but G-man has ub3r 1337 h4x.
Click to expand...
You better pray to Chuck Norris that he doesn;t know about your posts, because not even God can save you from Chuck
 
G-man + stop time + invulnerability to everything including roundhouse kicks + secret suit case = Dead Chuck Norris

It is his only weakness, he'd put up agood fight before he went down though

Chuck Norris tried to roundhouse kick g-man and his foot snapped off.
 
madog said:
Chuck Norris killed the G-Man with a single roundhouse kick to the back of the head. He actually killed two people because on impact G-Man's eyes shot out and killed a Combine soldier.
Click to expand...

Fixed.
 
G-man said it's time to choose to Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris's head exploded because he got so scared.
 
madog said:
G-man said it's time to choose to Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris's head exploded because he got so scared.
Click to expand...

This isn't going to turn into a "Have Chuck Norris Kill the Person Above You" thread, is it? :hmph:
 
madog said:
G-man said it's time to choose to Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris chose to kill G-Man with a roundhouse-kick to the back of the head, thus making his eyes shoot out and kill a Combine soldier in the process.
Click to expand...

Fixed.
 
God doesn't let bad things happen to people, Chuck Norris does.
 
Madog is gonna be one sad little boy in the morning when chuck pays him a visit :(
 
Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick the G-Man so hard, his foot would break the speed of light, travel back in time, and roundhouse kick the G-Man again.
 
G-Man is a sissy.

Chuck Norris would round-house kick the G-Man back to the future, bring back Doc Brown, rebuild the flux capacitor, and go back in time to kill the dinosaurs himself... While hurrying back in time for tea.
 
hahhaaha damn these chuck jokes are funny, but what happened did chuck do something wrong? i been noticing a lot of these chuck norris jokes lately.
 
G-man will beat Chuck, just you wait and see! Chuck is all lies! HE HAS CRIED! Emo Chuck is going to get his ass beat down by Gman.
 
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