Comedy Thread

I know many jokes that makes fun of norweigans and swedes, but I think those are against the rules...
 
Erestheux said:
You SCREWED THAT UP! That joke was supposed to go "Why couldn't the 12-year old get into the pirate movie?"
Because it was rated ARRRRR!
-Squidward, from Spongebob Squarepants, the once-funny but now horribly commercialized and raped Nickelodeon cartoon.
Click to expand...

YOU Got it wrong, the answer is not

ARRR!

It's

YARRRR!
 
Hi, you've reach Jane and Bob's phone. We can't talk to you at the moment, because we are doing our favourite thing together. Jane likes to do it up... and down.... but I prefer to do it left...to right...Please leave a message after the beep, and we'll get back to you as soon as we've finished brushing our teeth.
________________________________
A doctor, a car saleman and a funeral director meet at a bar

"I helium"
"I selenium"
"I barium"
________________________________
Chem teacher: And then what is formed in this equation?
Student: Argon!
Chem Teacher: No! Argon is the rightful heir to the throne of Gondor!
Student: No sir, that's Aragorn
Chem Teacher: No! Aragorn is what Argon son said the first time he shot an arrow
Student: You are so sad.

^ That really happenned. I have the coolest chem teacher
___________________________
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/cock.html

this is a guy with a HUGE c***

Gottcha! Sick minded fools..... :LOL:

(If this is unappropriate mods, please tell me)
 
Erestheux said:
Spongebob Squarepants, the once-funny but now horribly commercialized and raped Nickelodeon cartoon.
Click to expand...
I'm sorry - Spongebob absolutely rules, and the film was incredible. You talk nonsense, good sir.
 
Another Pirate joke:

Pirate walks into a bar, and sits in front of the bar tender. He seems to have a steering wheel stuck in the front of his pants. He looks at the bartender.

Pirate: Yarr, this be the most annoying day in all me sea-bearing life.

Bartender:(perplexed): Is that a steering wheel stuck down your pants?

Pirate: Ai, its driving me nuts.

*rim shot*
 
Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have
gone astray from the Lord. Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and
often dangerous culture that young teenagers are prone to
participating in. The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds
into an imagined world of evil, darkness, and violence. Please seek
immediate attention through counselling, prayer,

and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations if five
or more of the following are applicable to your child.

-Frequently wears black clothing.
-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.
-Wears excessive black eye makeup,lipstick or nail polish.
-Wears any odd silver jewelry or symbols.
-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.
-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn
Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the
Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)

-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.
-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the
Bible, prayer, church or sports.
-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult,
witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.
-Takes drugs.
-Drinks alcohol.
-Is suicidal and/or depressed.
-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation.(This
is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God
and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local
mental health center.)

-Complains of boredom.
-Sleeps too excessively or too little.
-Is excessively awake during the night.
-Demands an unusual amount of privacy.
-Spends large amounts of time alone.
-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your chid may
speak to evil sprits through meditation.)
-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.
-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are
but a few examples of this.
-Misbehaves at school.
-Misbehaves at home.
-Eats excessively or too little
-Eats goth-related foods. Count Chocula cereal is an example of this.
-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires
believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and
should be stopped immediately.)

-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask
your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.)

-Plays videos games that contains violence or role-playing nature.
-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.
-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.
-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.
-Expresses an interest in sex.
-Masturbates.
-Is homosexual and/or bisexual.
-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism,
Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.
-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various
phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth".

-Claims to be a goth.

If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene
immediately. The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within
it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your
local mental health center.
 
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
 
Teta_Bonita said:
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
Click to expand...


http://www.extremefunnypictures.com/funnypic99.htm
 
WARNING HIGHLY SICK BABY JOKES IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 18, DO NOT READ, EVER, OR YOU WILL DIE

What's worse than a pile of dead babies?
An alive one trapped in the middle trying to eat its way out

What do you get if you stab a baby again, and again, and AGAIN!!
An erection

:dork:
 
Probably the worst joke I've ever heard. I got it off a chocolate bar -

What do you call a polar bear with ice skates?

- A skating polar bear.

:upstare:
 
dude dead baby jokes shoudn't make me laugh but they do so heres one...DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU ARE A SICK F**K

Hi welcome to big tony's Abortion clinic/Pizza place. Your loss is OUR sauce!
 
So this duck walks into a bar, and he asks the bartender "Got any gwapes?" The bartender, not at all phased by the sight of a talking duck, says, "No, we don't have any grapes." The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes back in. "Got any gwapes?" The bartender once again says, "No, we don't have any grapes. Now leave." The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck one again returns to the bar and once again asks the bartender "Got any gwapes?" The bartender has run out of patience for the duck, and replies "No, we don't have any grapes. If you come back tomorrow, I'm going to nail your little feet to the floor!"

But, sure enough, the duck returns the next day. He asks the bartender, "Got any nails?" The bartender says "No." The duck then asks "Got any gwapes?"
 
Whatever, its not so bad:

(WARNING: Geography knowledge required, or a map)

Why could Jesus not be born in norway?

Answer:
Becouse three wisemen could not come from the east.
 
whats up with the dead baby jokes? no offense, but they're not really jokes..
 
YO MAMMA JOKES!!!! OMG i almost forgot about hose those are GREAT.


Yo momma’s so fat she was diagnosed with a flesh eating disease and the doctor gave her 17 years to live.
 
yo mamma's so fat, when she walks in front of the telly people miss the film.
 
yo mamma's so fat, when she goes to the cinema she sits next to everybody

ok, i'll stop now. Sorry.
 
A mouse walks into a spacebar and orders a tab.

A man walks into a bar, goes up to the first person he sees and says, between you and me, we have 5 balls. The other man replies, what you only have 1?
 
Why wasn't jesus born in mexico??

CAZ HES JEWISH :LOL:

Just so u understand i have nothing against jews i myself am jewish dont flame meh pleez!
 
Why wasn't Jesus born in Austrailia?
(I like Auzzies btw, so don't flame)
Because there's no way you'd ever find a virgin, and not a chance in hell of finding three wise men.


To balance it out... a Brittish joke...erm....
I don't know any... does anyone know any English jokes???

--------------------
Englishman, Irishman, scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says: "Is this some kind of joke?!?!"
 
burner69 said:
You know it mate.

F**kin love him.

"Look over there! A badger with a gun, do you see? I'm sure he's going to kill us alll... NEW QUEUE!"
Click to expand...
"Toilet paper? This is a poo shop! EVERYTHING here is themed on poo. I'm not shopping here, I'm going to Azerbaijan shopping centre."

"Oh it is an axe murderer! It is! Sorry, we weren't sure whether you were an axe murderer or a badger."
 
Uh I have a few from his website before they were taken down.

I also have a few Billy Connoly if anyones interested.
 
Venmoch said:
Uh I have a few from his website before they were taken down.

I also have a few Billy Connoly if anyones interested.
Click to expand...
Get um up here.
Let us get ay-mongst them
 
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