Comedy Thread

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A guy walks into a bar and starts saying "I'm a Tippi, I'm a Wigwam, I'm a Tippi, I'm a Wigwam, I'm a Tippi, I'm a Wigwam". And I say: "Relax man, you're too tense!"
 
Black dude gets this genie, the genie offers him 3 wishes. Dude says without hesitation i want to be white and around alot of pussy! Genie works his magic and says "poof! your a tampon mother****er!"

Another racist joke...

Whats the deal in chess? Why does the white pieces always go first instead of the black ones?
 
PoeticRocker said:
Whats the deal in chess? Why does the white pieces always go first instead of the black ones?
Click to expand...

Black's luckier.
 
Venmoch said:
Someone will :P
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Venmoch - I absolutely love you. So very much.

"Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks look like f*cking Shaft!"
 
that joke bout the tampons, comedic gold (sarcasm)

Ok

So A rabbi, a preist, an Idian cheif, a blonde, a redhead, a brunette, a horse, and a midget with a pink tophat walk into a bar.
And the bartender goes "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
 
MarcoPollo said:
So A rabbi, a preist, an Idian cheif, a blonde, a redhead, a brunette, a horse, and a midget with a pink tophat walk into a bar.
And the bartender goes "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
Click to expand...

Hey! You stole and converted my joke!!!

Riiight!

What do you call a Welsh Roman Leader in the SAS who's despises women's underwear?

Bra-foe Hue Nero.
 
el Chi said:
Venmoch - I absolutely love you. So very much.

"Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks look like f*cking Shaft!"
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:P Just give me a shout and I should be able to do any part of the two series you need.
 
Venmoch said:
:P Just give me a shout and I should be able to do any part of the two series you need.
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So many moments of sheer gold - I don't know!
That Jar Jar one...
"Don't worry Daisy - Tim's just angry at you because you've jeopardised his future."

"No hard feelings, eh?"
"You shot me in the bollocks, Tim."
"Like I said, no hard feelings."

"Oy oy! You lucky people!"

"'ullo Brian."

"'alf a bottle of Oozo Destructo and oooh the regret."

"One minute 'e was beggin' me to stay and the next I was riding 'him like a bitch from 'ell."

Ok, I'm gonna stop before I take the piss... :)
 
You know tyres? Right... you know when he starts hearing songs materialising everywhere...

after a rave I had that... its quite sketchy... but made me laugh... ha ha.. ha... ha...erm

"So you draw cartoons?"
"It's a bit more complicated than that..."

Hehe
 
ANOTHER DEAD BABY JOKE:

What's cold and blue, and sits at the bottom of a swimming pool?

A dead baby!

What's green and mouldy and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool?

The same baby six weeks later!

:x
 
I think we've done the babies to death now...

....and no jokes about that comment either!!!
 
Okay, I can't hold back any longer. If all these people get to do dead baby jokes, then I get to do at least one....even though it isn't technically a dead baby joke.

What's pink and goes *clank clank clank* in a corner?

A baby with forks in its eyes
 
What's pink and goes *clank clank clank* in a corner?
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awwwwwwwhhhhh!!!! :x that is truly horrible....

*sets "He_Who_Is_Steve" as new idol* :D
 
Eddie Izzard is the best stand-up comidian ever!

We stole contries with the cunning use of flags! We sail around the world and stick a flag in.
"I claim India for Britan" And they say
"You can't clame us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!"
-"Do you have a flag?"
-"We don't need a bloody flag, this is our country, you bastard!"
-"No flag, no country, can't have one! That's the rules that I just made up! And I'm backing it up with this gun that was lent from the National Rifle Accosiation
 
-Your mother is so poor that she goes to KFC to lick other people's fingers.
-Your mother is so ppor that when I rang her doorbell I heard her say "Buzz!"
-A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where's the bar tender?"
-Say this: Ice bank mice elf.
Office ninja:
http://www.StupidVideos.com/?VideoID=152
 
So this grasshopper walks into a bar, right?
The bartender says, "Hey! We've got a drink named after you!"
Grasshopper says, "That's funny. Why would anybody name a drink 'Bob'?"



A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.
 
Warning, read at your own discretion!

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a tree?
One is legal to hit with an axe.
How do you stop a baby from choking?
Take your dick out of it's mouth
What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Cadillac in my garage
What do vegetarian ogres eat?
Cabbage Patch kids
I liked the last one.
 
dude we were done doing dead babies along time ago

Edit: I just realized that sounded disgusting
 
Yeah you just love doin dead babies.
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i'm sure you do. sorry, he does...

STLFX0: A true story told by L.A.P.D.
An old mexican man lived alone in East Los Angeles. He wanted to spade his garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Jose, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Jose:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my garden this year. I'm just too old to be digging up a garden. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.
Tu Padre
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa:
Por Dios, Papa, don't dig up the garden. That's where I buried all my drugs and money.
Tu hijo,
Jose
At 6 a.m. the next morning, the L.A. Sheriffs showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any drugs or money. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa:
Go ahead and plant your garden now, papa. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Jose
 
Ranga said:
i'm sure you do. sorry, he does...

STLFX0: A true story told by L.A.P.D.
An old mexican man lived alone in East Los Angeles. He wanted to spade his garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Jose, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Jose:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my garden this year. I'm just too old to be digging up a garden. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.
Tu Padre
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa:
Por Dios, Papa, don't dig up the garden. That's where I buried all my drugs and money.
Tu hijo,
Jose
At 6 a.m. the next morning, the L.A. Sheriffs showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any drugs or money. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa:
Go ahead and plant your garden now, papa. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Jose
Click to expand...

Is that true? That's brilliant!!!
Gotta be an old wives tale tho, surely.
 
Ranga said:
i'm sure you do. sorry, he does...

STLFX0: A true story told by L.A.P.D.
An old mexican man lived alone in East Los Angeles. He wanted to spade his garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Jose, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Jose:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my garden this year. I'm just too old to be digging up a garden. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.
Tu Padre
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa:
Por Dios, Papa, don't dig up the garden. That's where I buried all my drugs and money.
Tu hijo,
Jose
At 6 a.m. the next morning, the L.A. Sheriffs showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any drugs or money. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa:
Go ahead and plant your garden now, papa. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Jose
Click to expand...

HAHA what a sharp guy!!! :cheers: :laugh:
 
Highly random funny thing. I think it's from a Chris Morris article some time ago...

Warning to all! Contains naughty words.
Do not read if you are a baker and easily offended!
 
burner69 said:
Highly random funny thing. I think it's from a Chris Morris article some time ago...

Warning to all! Contains naughty words.
Do not read if you are a baker and easily offended!
Click to expand...

OMG where can i buy one of these???
id proudly where mine to the bakers tbh. :E (or spar..)
 
is that true? That's brilliant!!!
Gotta be an old wives tale tho, surely.
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it might be true... i dunno...

it was posted on bash yesterday
 
Ranga said:
it might be true... i dunno...

it was posted on bash yesterday
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ranga, where the hell has your lion king avatar gone?
that was famous, :( get it back on imo.. lol :angel:
 
ranga, where the hell has your lion king avatar gone?
that was famous, get it back on imo.. lol
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i.... reformatted my drive, and lost it :( and i can't find it either... trust me.. i've looked hard.

it was famous? *double search effort*

edit: this is temporary relief
 
More random

EDIT: On the subject of comedy, does anyone remember Blue Jam? That was possibily the darkest comedy I ever heard, but bloody great at the same time.
 
^^ I don't get it

edit: the best lion king

Shadow][ said:
lionking9sy.jpg
:dork:
Click to expand...
 
Anyone tell me how to upload audio files - like Eddie and Billy were? I wanna slap some Blue Jam on...
 
KoreBolteR said:
what the hell was blue jam? lol.
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Chris Morris's radio show. The guy who did Brass Eye.

It's immensly dark, but really funny. Pokes fun at some sketchy issues.
 
el Chi said:
So many moments of sheer gold - I don't know!
Click to expand...

Yeah, although anything with Mike kicks ass.

"OK People, no one here has done anything like this. Apart from Mike who as we all know once stole a tank and tried to invade Paris"
"Hello!"

Oh and as far as uploading stuff I used some old school provided webspace. Dunno what you could use :/
 
talking about comedy, anyone here any more on this new show Ricky Gervais is making?

its called "Extras".

Here is a forum off imdb.com

article said:
The new television show by the creators of The Office is to star Scot Gerard Kelly.

Extras, devised by Ricky Gervais, will star Kelly alongside Hollywood luminaries such as Jude Law, Samuel L Jackson, and Kate Winslet.

Gervais, who played the office manager David Brent in The Office, will play a struggling actor in the new series, which begins filming next month.

Kelly, who has appeared in EastEnders, Brookside and recently Mother Goose at the King's Theatre in Glasgow, is to play the director of a pantomime in the series. He said: "I am in charge of a show starring Les Dennis, and that will be great fun for me. It's a world I know quite a bit about. I'd walk over broken glass to get the chance to work with Ricky. He really is a great talent. The Office was the funniest thing on television."

Gervais has said that despite the success of The Office, he would like Extras to be transmitted in the same way, on a late slot on BBC 2. "I want to limp in again, I don't want any fanfare," he said. "I want to start as the underdog again."

Gervais says he is excited about the character in his new show. "He thinks the world owes him a living. He's a wisecracker in the face of adversity. If you think Brent was like Captain Mainwaring, this guy has more in common with Bilko or Tony Hancock."
Click to expand...

another article said:
Gervais plays a struggling actor that thinks hes better than he actually is.
Click to expand...
 
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