Jokes

Sulkdodds said:
...
Click to expand...
Uhhh.... I don't get it. I assumed at first it was a pun but I can't understand it

I spend all that time reading this painfully long bullshit and I can't even understand the joke, damnit! Someone explain.

Perhaps the pun not making sense at all is in itself a cruel joke?

If so, die.
 
TollBooth Willie said:
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Click to expand...

Damn, I was going to tell this one :p

And the Nate joke is hilarious. I read it in the last joke thread. It took me an age and a half, but it was definitely worth it. I believe it was Rim who last posted it.

When the police raided Michael Jackson's house, they found class A drugs in the Kitchen, class B drugs in the bathroom and class 4C in the bedroom.
 
Aquaman: Hello Fish!
Fish: Hello Aquaman!
Aquaman: Seen any crime around?
Fish: ...Hello Aquaman!
 
A few years back, Blair was at a visit to the White House in Washington. Bush tells Blair a little riddle:

"I heard this riddle from Colin Powell yesterday, let's see if you can figure it out. 'It's your parents child, but it's not your brother and not your sister. Who is it?'"

Blair thought about it for a long time, but he couldn't figure it out. Once back in London, he asked Gordon Brown the same riddle. Gordon said, "it's 'me', of course!". "Ah, I see", said Blair, and called up Bush.

"Hey George, I know the answer to your riddle, it's Gordon Brown!". "'Gordon Brown?', Bush asked surprised. "No, it's Colin Powell."
 
The Monkey said:
A few years back, Blair was at a visit to the White House in Washington. Bush tells Blair a little riddle:

"I heard this riddle from Colin Powell yesterday, let's see if you can figure it out. 'It's your parents child, but it's not your brother and not your sister. Who is it?'"

Blair thought about it for a long time, but he couldn't figure it out. Once back in London, he asked Gordon Brown the same riddle. Gordon said, "it's 'me', of course!". "Ah, I see", said Blair, and called up Bush.

"Hey George, I know the answer to your riddle, it's Gordon Brown!". "'Gordon Brown?', Bush asked surprised. "No, it's Colin Powell."
Click to expand...

Heh, I heard that the other way around.
 
Vegeta897 said:
Uhhh.... I don't get it. I assumed at first it was a pun but I can't understand it

I spend all that time reading this painfully long bullshit and I can't even understand the joke, damnit! Someone explain.

Perhaps the pun not making sense at all is in itself a cruel joke?

If so, die.
Click to expand...
I'm sorry, Vegeta. "Shaggy doug storee" sounds very much like "shaggy dog story", which is, of course, a phrase meaning a story that is long without any real point. See here. Is it that you haven't heard of a shaggy dog story, or does your silly yankee accent give 'doug' a pronounciation that is too different for the pun to work?

Of course, I intended the whole story to be quite funny or interesting all the way through - from the initial narrator's ramblings, repetitions and vacillitations, through the nun's story, which switches abruptly from farce to psychological (pseudo)realism, up to the bizarre banter between Doug and the older girl.
If reading it was actually a waste of your time, I've failed.

There's an alternative ending to the Nun's Tale which I might post.
 
Yeah I've never heard of that expression.

It was, actually very well written, and interesting and thus mildly entertaining anyway.

And yeah I've read that nun joke before, I forget how the original ending went, though :p
 
The nun joke actually metamorphosises into another joke entirely - the French Nun's Tale is itself a common joke, but this time told from the perspective of the nun, where it is normally told from the perspective of the hippy. Thus:

Alternate Ending to the Nun's Tale:

So there's these three nuns, right, an english nun, an irish nun and a french nun. The three nuns was entering confession and the priest was like listening to them confessing their sins. The first nun was the english nun and she came up to the confession booth and she's all like "forgive me father, I've sinned, I've had bad thoughts about men" and the priest, fairly bored of such tales by now, says "say ten hail marys and drink from the chalice of holy water, and you are forgiven, child." The next nun comes along, the irish nun, and she sits in the confession booth, and after a slight hesitation she manages to say: "forgive me father, for I have sinned, I've fornicated", and the priest tells her "say forty hail marys and drink from the chalice of holy water, and child, you shall be absolved." Now the third nun comes up, the french nun - got an accent inshe, but I ain't gonna do it - she comes into the booth and says "forgive me father, for I have sinned - " and hesitates. "Yes?" says the priest. "Well..." the french nun continues, "when I lived out in Cowley I used to get the number 59 bus to the convent every morning, and every morning on the number 59 bus there would also be a - how do you say - a hippy, riding on the bus with me. And every morning he would be casting his wanton eyes upon me. One day he struck up the courage to ask me if I would accompany him to - what is it? a pub, yes. And I said no, of course I said no. I was repulsed. And yet - there was - well. Afterwards he began talking to the bus driver. "Cor, that nun, eh?" he said. "Fit as." The bus driver waggled his eyebrows, and said "I know what to do. Listen 'ere. Every night at 10pm that nun goes down the graveyard and prays to jesus. Now if you were to appear unto her, dressed as the good lord, why, she'd do anyfink you told 'er too." "Cracking good idea that," said the hippy.

That night I was praying in the graveyard to Our Most Heavenly Father, as is my custom, and suddenly there was a sounding of trumpets, such as I did not expect to hear until the end days - and out from behind the largest gravestone there came a man in a white robe, a halo dancing around his head, and I had no doubt that it was the Lord Our Jesus Christ come to me at last. "I am the Resurrection* and I am the Light! he said. "You have been chosen. I must enter you." Mon pere, as you can imagine, this made me unsure, but such is my faith in god that I accepted his request. I told him I had one condition - he was to enter me from behind, so that I could preserve my virginity. And so he did enter me, there in that graveyard.

*see last ish - ed

After we were finished, a most horrible thing happened. He threw off his robe, and said "I'm the hippy!"

Then I threw off my robe, and I said "I'm the bus driver!"

Alternate alternate ending:

After we were finished, a most horrible thing happened. He threw off his robe, and said "I'm the hippy!"

Then I threw off my robe, and I said "I'm the bus driver!"

The nun, she'd finished speaking. But there was only silence from the other side of the both. "Father?" she said. "Mon pere?" No answer. Slowly she peeked into the priest's half of the booth, and what did she find, but the priest masturbating furiously into the holy water?
The original ending of the 'three nuns' joke is that the third nun has sinned by pissing in the holy water, which the priest has instructed the other two to drink.
 
i wish i can read that very long joke posted. a bit tiring. hope the jokes keep on. i'll have mine soon if i can think of something funny.

Sulkdodds said:
The nun joke actually metamorphosises into another joke entirely - the French Nun's Tale is itself a common joke, but this time told from the perspective of the nun, where it is normally told from the perspective of the hippy. Thus:

Alternate Ending to the Nun's Tale:

So there's these three nuns, right, an english nun, an irish nun and a french nun. The three nuns was entering confession and the priest was like listening to them confessing their sins. The first nun was the english nun and she came up to the confession booth and she's all like "forgive me father, I've sinned, I've had bad thoughts about men" and the priest, fairly bored of such tales by now, says "say ten hail marys and drink from the chalice of holy water, and you are forgiven, child." The next nun comes along, the irish nun, and she sits in the confession booth, and after a slight hesitation she manages to say: "forgive me father, for I have sinned, I've fornicated", and the priest tells her "say forty hail marys and drink from the chalice of holy water, and child, you shall be absolved." Now the third nun comes up, the french nun - got an accent inshe, but I ain't gonna do it - she comes into the booth and says "forgive me father, for I have sinned - " and hesitates. "Yes?" says the priest. "Well..." the french nun continues, "when I lived out in Cowley I used to get the number 59 bus to the convent every morning, and every morning on the number 59 bus there would also be a - how do you say - a hippy, riding on the bus with me. And every morning he would be casting his wanton eyes upon me. One day he struck up the courage to ask me if I would accompany him to - what is it? a pub, yes. And I said no, of course I said no. I was repulsed. And yet - there was - well. Afterwards he began talking to the bus driver. "Cor, that nun, eh?" he said. "Fit as." The bus driver waggled his eyebrows, and said "I know what to do. Listen 'ere. Every night at 10pm that nun goes down the graveyard and prays to jesus. Now if you were to appear unto her, dressed as the good lord, why, she'd do anyfink you told 'er too." "Cracking good idea that," said the hippy.

That night I was praying in the graveyard to Our Most Heavenly Father, as is my custom, and suddenly there was a sounding of trumpets, such as I did not expect to hear until the end days - and out from behind the largest gravestone there came a man in a white robe, a halo dancing around his head, and I had no doubt that it was the Lord Our Jesus Christ come to me at last. "I am the Resurrection* and I am the Light! he said. "You have been chosen. I must enter you." Mon pere, as you can imagine, this made me unsure, but such is my faith in god that I accepted his request. I told him I had one condition - he was to enter me from behind, so that I could preserve my virginity. And so he did enter me, there in that graveyard.

*see last ish - ed

After we were finished, a most horrible thing happened. He threw off his robe, and said "I'm the hippy!"

Then I threw off my robe, and I said "I'm the bus driver!"

Alternate alternate ending:

After we were finished, a most horrible thing happened. He threw off his robe, and said "I'm the hippy!"

Then I threw off my robe, and I said "I'm the bus driver!"

The nun, she'd finished speaking. But there was only silence from the other side of the both. "Father?" she said. "Mon pere?" No answer. Slowly she peeked into the priest's half of the booth, and what did she find, but the priest masturbating furiously into the holy water?
The original ending of the 'three nuns' joke is that the third nun has sinned by pissing in the holy water, which the priest has instructed the other two to drink.
Click to expand...

hear about that...really piss off...dirty nuns make some laugh
 
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

100. 1 to hold the bulb and 99 to turn the house round.

(<3 Irish).

I'm sure I post this annually.
 
Koola Mena said:
Been posted by roimhaire before. Still awesome
Click to expand...
I wasn't the original person to post it. I was copying someone else. That story simply must be posted in every joke thread. It's manditory.

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse.
Did you hear about DNA? The National Dyslexia Assosiation.
 
TF2 jokes

How many Demomen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, he holds the lightbulb in the socket, takes a drink of whisky, and the room begins to spin.

How many medics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five, one to screw in the lightbulb and four to farm for achivments. (Sorta funnier eariler.)
 
How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb:
Just one, but the lightbulb must want to change.

Alternatively he can make a support group called "coping with darkness"
 
What did the little cancer kid get for his blindness?











Christmas.
 
TollBooth Willie said:
If you're floating down the river on a concrete slab, and all four wheels fall off, how many pancakes can fit in a dog house?

None, because ice cream has no bones!
Click to expand...

Maybe I'm just slow but I really didn't get that!!!
 
Fortunes.
Bash.org.
some silly jokes.
I don't think this thread worth its name.
 
A film-making team was doing some final coverage for a western and they were scouting for good locations. They found this beautiful cliff overlooking a canyon that would be perfect for the final shot of the movie with the hero staring out over it all. There was a single dead tree jutting out from the cliff so they cut it off, filmed some test shots and went back into town. At a local bar they were talking to some locals and said that they found a beautiful cliff for the final shot, just north of town and the local said:
"You mean One Tree Hill?"
 
AJ Rimmer said:
A film-making team was doing some final coverage for a western and they were scouting for good locations. They found this beautiful cliff overlooking a canyon that would be perfect for the final shot of the movie with the hero staring out over it all. There was a single dead tree jutting out from the cliff so they cut it off, filmed some test shots and went back into town. At a local bar they were talking to some locals and said that they found a beautiful cliff for the final shot, just north of town and the local said:
"You mean One Tree Hill?"
Click to expand...

I dun getd'it. Unless the reason its famous is because of the tree.
 
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