Ok people its a joke thread.

Heh Dux, ive heard that second one before. Only it was magic beer and inside a pub.

He says that its magic beer and it makes you fly.
 
Har har.

A panda walks into a bar, orders a meal and a pint. Just as he is getting up to leave, he pulls a twelve-guege on two other customers and splatters them against the opposite wall. As he is leaving, the bartender from his position under the bar asks meekly "why did you do that?". The panda, with great bitterness in his voice, quips "look me up in the dictionary, pal" before walking out into the sunset. Later that night the man follows the instructions. 'Panda (pan-da) noun. Eats shoots and leaves.

Fnaarrr.
 
The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes into the forest. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out just two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."
 
Bob Hope Quotes

ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 "I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them."
ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight- pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
 
A COLLECTIVE FROM MEDICAL INTERVIEW RECORDS WRITTEN BY VARIOUS PARAMEDICS, EMERGENCY ROOM RECEPTIONISTS, AND (WE ARE AFRAID) A DOCTOR OR TWO AT MAJOR HOSPITALS.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Not really jokes but funny.
 
one day little bobby went up to his teacher and asked, "ms. teacher, what does black velvet mean?" the teacher responded, "bobby! you shouldnt speak such language! now go to the principles office!" So little bobby went to the principles office. When he got there the principle asked, "bobby, your usually such a good boy, why are you in my office?" bobby then said, "ms. teacher sent me here because i asked what black velvet means." the principle then responded, "bobby! you shouldnt speak such language! now get out of my school!" so little bobby went home. when he got there, his mother was cleaning the dishes, when she saw him home she asked, "bobby, why are you home? shouldnt you be at school?" bobby then said, "the principle kicked me out because i asked ms. teacher what black velvet means." his mother thne responded, "bobby! you shouldnt use such language! now get out of my house!" so bobby left the house. just then, joe the police officer was walking down the road. When he saw bobby leaving the house, he asked, "bobby, why are you at your house, shouldnt you be at school?" bobby then said, "my mother kicked me out because the principle kicked me out of the school for asking ms. teacher what black velvet means." joe the police officer then responded, "bobby! you shouldnt use such language! now get out of this town and never come back!" so bobby packed his bags. then when he was crossing the street, an 18 wheeler came and ran him over. whats the moral of the story?




always look before crossing the street.
 
uh hmmmmmmm i read all of that for that moral ?
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i see the meteor thingy.
 
Why did the ROOSTER cross the road?
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To proove he wasn't a Chicken. :)
 
Why did the rooster cross the road?
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Because this joke sucks.
 
A man walked into a bar and said "Yo" so the bartender shot him, the end.


wtf.
 
A lady sitting at a table says:
"If it wasnt for that horse, I like pickles with that."

;0
 
ok heres a couple good ones. my personal favorites, in fact. theyre long but worth the time. im typing these by hand, so i know theyre good.
==============================================
joke #1
this guy goes to a barbershop to get his hair cut. the barber says "hey wats up" "not much man, im just here for a haircut, then im going to rome for a vacation" "rome? dont go to rome! rome sucks! anyway, which airline are you taking?" "TWA" "twa? that airline sucks balls, man! the seats are all cramped, the food tastes like shit, the movies are horrible and the flight attendants are ugly as hell! so anyway, what hotel are you gonna stay at?" "the ramada" "ramada? that place sucks balls, man! they are way overpriced, the entire place is filthy and they treat you like shit! so anyway, wat are you gonna do once you get to rome?" "im gonna take a trip to vatican city so i can go see the pope" "the pope? yeah, you and a million other people. good luck, pal"

the guys getting fed up, but doesnt say anything. when his haircut is done, the guy pays and leaves for rome. a month later he comes back from the trip to tell the barber about it.

"hey man i just came back from the trip" "i told you twa sucks ass!" "actually not really, man. they overbooked like hell so they moved me to first class where this fine ass stewardess attended to my every need. then i watched one great movie after another" "well, i know for a fact that the ramada is the worst hotel ever" "not anymore, man. they just went thru a 5 million dollar renovation so the place is like brand new. plus, they also overbooked like hell, so they gave me the presidential suite for free! the service was also top-notch." "well, theres no fcuking way in hell that you saw the pope" "actually, i was walking around the vatican when a guard tapped me on the shoulder, saying that the pope often likes to meet tourists by random! he guided me to a private room, and there was the pope! so i knelt down to him, and he actually talked to me, dude! the pope talked to me!!!"

"well, wat the hell did he say?"

"the pope said, 'dude where the fcuk did you get that pathetic haircut?"
=============================================
joke #2 (WARNING!!! DIRTY JOKE!!! its pretty fcukin dirty. mature audiences only, people)

theres this successful business man. he has a gorgeous wife, be she is insatiable in bed. like any business man, he must travel alot. therefore, he knows that his wife will definetly cheat on him as soon as leaves to the airport. so he wants to get her a sex toy to hold her over until he gets back. so the morning of his trip, hours before he hasto leave for the airport, the guy drives to a sex toy shop.

he looks around, seeing all the usual dildos, vibrators, etc. the guy tells the shop owner: "these will not do. she has like every single one of these, in all the colors you can imagine!" and explains his wife to him. the shop owner says "ok, i got just the thing. follow me" he takes the guy deep into the store into a secret room and pulls out this box. its like the length of three shoe boxes. the owner takes off the lid and the guy is horrified to see the biggest dildo hes ever seen. its like 4 feet long and 1 foot wide. "duuuuude that thing is huge! wat kind of dildo is that?" "this is not just any dildo, my friend. this is the voodoo d ick. you see, the voodoo d ick is an ancient artifact enchanted by the--" "ok ok man, whatever. just tell me how it works" "ok, ok. voodoo d ick, the doorknob!"

the monstrous dildo magically levitates out of the box and flies across the secret room. the guy hears something he can only compare to a jackhammer. by the time he can even turn around, the doorknob has been knocked clean thru the door, and the door itself is barely hanging on by one hinge. "ok, ill buy it"

the guy comes home, explains to his wife the magic phrase to turn it on, and takes a taxi to the airport. as soon as he leaves, the wife says "voodoo d ick, my p ussy!" the v-d does as its told.

around a half hour or so, she realizes that he never taught her how to turn it off! "oh man, he must be at the airport by now. his cell phone is probably turned off" so she takes her car and drives it as fast as she can down the freeway. as you can probably guess, shes driving pretty erratically, plus shes going over the speed limit. as luck would have it, a police officer pulls her over.

she rapidly explains to him the story of the v-d. the guy does not believe one word shes saying. hes totally skeptical about the whole thing. "lady, do you really expect me to believe that a dildo magically flew itself into you? even the name of this thing is insane... i mean.... voodoo d ick... my ass! thats like not even poss--AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"
==============================================
hahaha pretty gruesome, i know. but u gotta admit its funny as hell.

well i better end this post... its already 4970 characters!
 
A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir... I think it is only fair, giving that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 
And another one.

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and then she screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams; then pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
"No," she says, "I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor replies. "You have a broken finger."
 
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wingtips.
What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
He was disbarred.
What type of apparel is the most popular with lawyers?
Law-suits.
What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A doberman.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.
What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.
What does a lawyer do after sex?
Pays the bill.
What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb . . .
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree
 
Another one

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one
-a real SWEET POTATO whom they called "YAM".
They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like Hot Potato, and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.
They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going out west because she could get Scalloped.
Mr. & Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to "Idaho P.U."-that's Potato University - where the Big Potatoes come from and when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips. But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Walter Cronkite.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him because he's just a.......
COMMON TATER
 
And one more


While leading a party of girl scouts through the woods in silent Indian fashion, the troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in an indecent act.
"Back ladies, back!" cried the leader, "There's a very dangerous beast out there!"
But it was too late, several of the kids had more or less seen all. They asked their leader what was happening.
"Well, if you must know, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration."
"Wow!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next."
 
And for the fun of it another one

You Know You're Trailer Trash When


1. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch this"
7. You've got more than one brother named, "Darryl."
8. You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
9. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Day care.
10. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
13. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
14. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
15. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
 
id post some race jokes, but i don't think that would go over too well here.


A boy is sitting on a bench in a park eating candy, a old man walks up and says "you shouldn't eat candy, its bad for your health" the boy says "my grandfather lived to be 90" and the old man says "did he eat candy?" and the boy says, "no but he minded his own business"


BUH-ZING!
 
A smart Blonde in the city is tired of all the steriotyping. She decides to have her hair dyed, and move somewhere else so no one knows she is blonde, and thus be rid of all the jokes and assumptions that she is a ditz.

She dyes her hair, packs her stuff, and heads to the country.
As she is driving, she sees a sheephearder in a large feild of sheep.
She gets out, and ask the sheperd if he'll take her up on a wager:
If she can correctly guess the exact number of sheep in the feild, she can keep one.
He accepts her offer, after all, he had over a thousand sheep, there was no way to guess the correct number.
She surveys the feild, and after a couple of seconds states that there are 1,385 sheep in the feild.
The sheperd tells he that she is correct, and tells her to go and grab her animal.

She does, puts it in the back of her car, and starts the engion. The sheperd comes running to her, and ask that if he can guess the true color of her hair, can he have his animal back.
After that feat, she assumes that there is no way he would guess blonde, so she agrees.
"Blonde" he states.
"How did you know?" she ask
"A lucky guess mam, may I have my dog back now?"

:D
 
Maria had just got married and, being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.

So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.
But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man.
Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests.

Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man.

Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again.

When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta..."

:cheers:
 
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to the pharmacy to demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it."
"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
Well, Mister, I TOLD HER
 
Hey everyone makes mistakes said the pedophile and helped the dwarf up.
 
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."
POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."
POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
 
24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator...

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, darn, all of you just shut UP!"

2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"

11. Meow occasionally.

12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.
 
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside
dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced;
he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want
to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the, last guy in line starts
laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing
his head off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says:
" MAKE 'EM ALL UGLY AGAIN"
 
Jason is a small boy. He goes to first grade. One day, they get this new teacher, ms Anderson. She's pretty and sexy (though jason doesn't care since he's only 8 or 9 years old).
The first day, she wrights something on the blackboard with her left hand. Jason stands up and says "Miss Anderson is shaved in her left armpit!". Ms Anderson isn't delighted about what jason said. She says: "Jason, you are very rude. You can go home for today." Jason goes home.

The next day, jason is back at school again. This day, ms Anderson wrights something with her right hand on the blackboard. Then Jason stands up and says: "Ms Anderson is shaved in her right armpit!". Ms Anderson isn't delighted at all. She says: "Jason, you are very very rude. You can go home and not come back to school until next week." Jason goes home and doesn't return to school until next week.

Next week, Jason is back at school again. This day, ms Anderson tries to wright something on the blackboard, but she accidentaly drops her chalk. She bends down to pick it up. At that moment, Jason stands up and says: "Well mates, it seems like I have to go home again. See you all next year!"
 
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Jammydodger
 
In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is
heard.
When they leave the tunnel, Clinton had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
(1) The blonde thought - "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand
on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."
(2) The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."
(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."
 
farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling — what should I do?''
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"
 
A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day.
The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."
He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hampton and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this."
She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING till we get there! We'll be there Wednesday night." The father agrees, "All right."
He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?
 
Originally posted by thenerdguy
And for the fun of it another one

You Know You're Trailer Trash When


1. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch this"
7. You've got more than one brother named, "Darryl."
8. You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
9. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Day care.
10. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
13. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
14. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
15. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Click to expand...

16. Your front porch has collapsed, killing more than five dogs.
17. Most conversations at your family reunion start with "What're you lookin' at, Shithead?"
18. You have ever spraypainted you girlfriend's name on an overpass.
19. You think a belch is a witty rejoinder.
20. You are woken up in the night due to having left the handbrake off.
21. You think a bacon sandwich is the height of cuisine.
22. You own a car specifically for use as a shooting target.
23. You go to the big city and think, "This place smells nice!"
24. You have more teeth than braincells.
25. You have more fingers than teeth.
26. You have ever been mistaken for Cousin It.
27. You go to the beach during low tide, and all the dead puffer fish run away from the smell.

There are two dumbasses, Bob and Joe, working on a construction site alongside a guy called Mick. The foreman at the site has noticed that, every time Mick climbs up a ladder, Bob and Joe run to the bottom and try to look up his shorts. Finally the foreman decides to do something.

"Listen, do you two think that it's funny to do that on a construction site? We don't really want people like you here."

"Hey, we're not up to anything. We were just trying to get a look at Mick's deformity."

"What deformity?"

"Well, whenever we walk into the bar with Mick, all the other construction guys shout out, "Here comes Mick with the two arseholes!""
 
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