Post your best joke

[Griz]

Not sure if this one's been posted yet, but here's a good one i heard today:-

The Labour party today changed their emblem from a rose to a condom, as it better reflects the Labour governments political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while your being f****d.

 

[el Chi]

A Tory friend of mine told me that. I retorted (not that I'm a massive fan of Labour) by pointing out that the Tories are just plain evil.

 

[Solaris]

Why did Tony Blair cross the road? He didn't, he just said he would.

 

[JNightshade]

That Labour party one was originally about the Republicans. Goddamn brits stealing our jokes :angry:

Oh, and that Blair one was great

 

[JellyWorld]

What's the difference between quicksort and two pieces of century-old firewood?

One is O(n log n) the other is old log 'n log.

 

[JellyWorld]

A sociologist, a physicist and a mathematician, and a topologist are each locked in a prison cell and given a supply of canned food, but no can opener. After thirty days, the cells are unlocked.

The sociologist's cell has dents in the walls, and smashed cans and food everywhere. He threw the cans at the walls randomly until they burst open, and salvaged enough food to survive.

The physicist's cell wall is covered in calculations, and one corner is heavily damaged. He calculated the optimum way to throw the can at the wall to make it burst open reliably (to within a reasonable margin of error), and he too survived.

The mathematician's cell wall is likewise covered in calculations, but there are no dents in the walls. In fact, inside the cell sit the pile of cans, unopened, and the corpse of the mathematician. He was able to derive a nonconstructive proof that showed there was a way to throw the can of food at the wall, but could not find the solution.

When the topologist's cell is opened one of the cans is on the floor but the topologist is nowhere to be found. After hearing some tapping noises from the can, a can opener is quickly procured and the can is opened to reveal the topologist, who has somehow gotten himself stuck inside. Says the topologist, "Damn! I made a sign error!"

 

[JellyWorld]

Why do mathematicians think Halloween and Christmas are the same? Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec.

Oct = Octal.
Dec = Decimal.

 

[el Chi]

Erm... What?

 

[Darkside55]

There's this poor Mexican family. The father has lost his job, and he has no money to support his wife and kids. They're starving. The man says to his wife, "Honey, we have no money for food. I will go to the base of the hill and pray to God."

He goes to the hill and he says, "Oh God! We have no food! Please, help us!"

Every day he goes and prays to God, the same thing. "Lord, we have no food!"

On top of the hill, there is a market. One day, unknown to the Mexican, a Black man is walking out of the store with a wheel of cheese. The Black man is putting it in his trunk when suddenly it slips out of his hands and rolls down the hill. The Mexican man is at the base of the hill, praying, "Lord! Send us some food!" when the cheese wheel rolls down to him.

"Oh, thank you, God!" he says, and quickly runs back with the cheese to his house. He tells his wife, "Wife! The lord has given us cheese! Now you must make nachos."

"That is great," she says, "but why nachos?"

"Because," he replies, "the Lord spoke to me as I ran home. He cried out to me, 'Hey! That's not'cho cheese! THAT IS NOT'CHO CHEESE!'"

 

[sabre0001]

Caesar came across a packet of smarties one day and decided to try them...
Later Brutus stabs him
Caesar "Et Tu Brutus"
Brutus "Et tu, you ate the whole bloody packet!"

Ba-Dum-Tsch