Post your best joke

-How many nunchucks can a nunchuck chuck if it could chuck nunchucks?
-I have no Idea.
-Me neither.
 
Chuck Norris is so fat the only thing stopping him from going to Jenny Craig is the door.
 
I take absolutely no credit for these nuggets of comedy genius - these were relayed to me by Feath...

Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.

Policeman: Knock, knock.
Woman: Who's there?
Policeman: The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.

There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. They are all trapped in a jail cell. Eventually they all starved to death.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To escape the Nazis.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: "Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house."
The other man replies: "Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit."

Did you hear about the Irishman found under a shop?
Yes, he was killed and buried there. It was gang-related.

Man: What a beautiful dog. Does he bite?
Dog-owner: No.
Man: Can I pet him?
Dog-owner: No, he has a form of eczema that makes his skin weep if touched.

What's the difference between a rottwieller and a poodle?
There are many differences. They are two totally different breeds of dog.

What do you get if you cross a horse and a donkey?
A mule.

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane.
However, it is a short flight and they do not talk to each other.

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
You call him an ambulance. He may have fractured his skull.
 
Why is Elchi doing all that anti jokes...Because he hates joke.(do i qualify?)
 
theSteven said:
lol wtf n00b
Click to expand...
Why did theSteven post the words lol wtf n00b...Because he is implying that he is want to be reconised as a n00b. Everyone LAUGH!
 
In the future somebody invents a robot that can answer every possible question. Bush goes to talk to it.
Bush: Will there be World War III?
Robot: Beep beep beep yes.
Bush: How much Coca-Cola will cost after World War III?
Robot: Beep beep beep 48 rubles.
 
2Fast4U said:
In the future somebody invents a robot that can answer every possible question. Bush goes to talk to it.
Bush: Will there be World War III?
Robot: Beep beep beep yes.
Bush: How much Coca-Cola will cost after World War III?
Robot: Beep beep beep 48 rubles.
Click to expand...
Beep beep beep. Really stupid.
 
What do Eskimoes and Zip-Lock bags have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
You don't know?

Why do chicks dig Jesus?
Because he's hung like this.

Jesus%20on%20Cross.jpg
 
el Chi said:
I take absolutely no credit for these nuggets of comedy genius - these were relayed to me by Feath...

Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.

Policeman: Knock, knock.
Woman: Who's there?
Policeman: The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.

There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. They are all trapped in a jail cell. Eventually they all starved to death.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To escape the Nazis.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: "Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house."
The other man replies: "Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit."

Did you hear about the Irishman found under a shop?
Yes, he was killed and buried there. It was gang-related.

Man: What a beautiful dog. Does he bite?
Dog-owner: No.
Man: Can I pet him?
Dog-owner: No, he has a form of eczema that makes his skin weep if touched.

What's the difference between a rottwieller and a poodle?
There are many differences. They are two totally different breeds of dog.

What do you get if you cross a horse and a donkey?
A mule.

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane.
However, it is a short flight and they do not talk to each other.

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
You call him an ambulance. He may have fractured his skull.
Click to expand...

Im sorry sir but you do not only win the thread, you win the forum - even though they arent your jokes.
 
:D! el Chi, those are all from a particular Comedy Goldmine in SomethingAwful. There's one about Jesus as well... it's just brilliant.
 
Solomon and his wife are hiding in an attic in Nazi Germany, but their food supply is slowly dwindling away. So one day Solomon creeps out the door to find food for them both. He is a few blocks away when he rounds the corner and comes face to face with Adolf Hitler.

Hitler pulls out his weapon and motions to a pile of dog shit on the street. 'Eat it, Jew!' he barks. Trembling, Solomon gets on his hands and knees and begins to eat the shit. Hitler laughs so hard that he drops the gun, and Solomon grabs it and points it at the Nazi Leader. 'Now you eat it!' he says. As Hitler begins to eat the dog shit, Solomon backs away and runs back home. Rushing into his house, he shouts 'Mara! Mara! You'll never guess who i had lunch with today!'
 
I find nothing humorous about that dark part of history.
 
Why is anal sex better than normal sex?
Because it's more degrading.
 
-Do you know what is the capital city of the United States of Whatever?
-I don't know, what is it?
-Wherever.


An inspector comes to see the local insane asylum. He enters the old building and at the stair case a weird guy was waiting:

Crazy guy - Do you want a taxi ride?
Inspector - Well... I guess... sure.
Crazy guy - Hop in, vroom... vroom...
Inspector - :|
Crazy guy - OK were here *drops him off at the director's office*. That will be 20 bucks.
Inspector - OK here ya go. *enter the director's office*. Director I just met someone with a most unfortunate case of dementia.
Director - Really?
Inspector - Yes the guy thought he was a taxi driver.
Director - Oh no, those pesky students jumped the fence again.
 
Farrowlesparrow said:
Well, i found my signature funny. I'l try and find a decent joke though.


For you people reading this in the furture when i change my sig. Here it is....Spooky eh, im talking to you in the future...anyway.

"Shufti: ...No, but we can hang ourselves before they do it."
Polly: "I'm told thats a very painful way to die."
Shufti: "Who by?"
Click to expand...
:O
 
Emm.DoubleEw: WHAT R TWO MUSICIANZ DOIN IN A FOREST?
Emm.DoubleEw: CHOPIN WOOD
Emm.DoubleEw: wait
Emm.DoubleEw: y did I say “two” musicianz
FakePlastic: HAHA DA AZZ ****IN
Emm.DoubleEw: hahahah da fake plasitc undahstandz da full implicationz of diz situation.
FakePlastic: dats right :cool:









hahhhahah the brokeback mountain tendencies.
 
Your blatant disregard for the english language is appalling D:
 
Ikerous said:
Your blatant disregard for the english language is appalling D:
Click to expand...

your blatant disregard for the comic genius of my joke is even more unlegendary.
 
pluto.gif


i c that pluto has no butthole.

nature's way of saying NO to ikerous.
 
Ikky, you whore.

In other news...

What's the difference between a rock and a dead baby?

You can't **** a rock.
 
here's one I found today:



Subject: Home Depot Scam

A `heads up' for you and any male friends you have who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 23-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy tee shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other.

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, three times just yesterday, and very likely it will be again this upcoming weekend.

Again - please beware


:LOL:
 
Two Irish pilots coming in on approach:

"Bejesus Seamus! Look at da state o' dat fookin runway!"

"Aye Paddy, it's bloody short, but it ain't half fookin wide!"

Hrmm.
 
A neutron walks into a bar and asks:
"How much for a beer?"
"No Charge"
 
Solaris said:
A neutron walks into a bar and asks:
"How much for a beer?"
"No Charge"
Click to expand...
I laughed so hard I lost an electron!
/cue "how do you know"

I'm positive!
 
The "why do girls like Jesus?" joke in the beginning of this thread is one of the funniest things I've ever heard :D
 
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

Grateful for the opportunity, the father claps his hands and immediately gets down all fours and shits his pants. His naked son runs over with a cheese grater and begins to grind his dad's shit-filled slacks, while jerking himself off into his pop's face. In seconds, because of his furious grinding, he hits pay dirt as shit, blood and anal mucous begin to run.

This cues the women to take random pop-shots at the men with shotguns, while sitting naked on their dog, who's laying upside with his furry paws rammed tight up their asses.

The women paddle their way closer to the men while reciting the Lord's Prayer backwards.

The boy then wraps his muscular thighs around his dad's neck. The dad, choking and slapping his son's back -- his face turning blue -- pulls out a knife and starts stabbing his son in the back of the neck while jerking himself off.

By this time, the women have paddled themselves over. They jump off the dog, tell him to stay, start kicking him in the balls relentlessly. They scream obscenities at God, pouring gasoline over the whimpering pooch, light it on fire, laugh and begin ****ing each other up the ass with the shotguns.

The men run over with their hardened dicks caked in blood and shit. They piss on the burning dog, after which they ram their cocks into the ladies' mouths while dumping buckets of water over them so they can't breathe.

The ladies start to shit. Their diarrhea begins to trickle into a pool. The father and son start lapping it up. The mother and daughter jump on their shoulders, queef on their necks, throw their arms in the air and all look up shouting: Ta-D-a-a-a-a.

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
 
Ikerous said:
Whats ∫1/(cabin) d(cabin)?

Log cabin!
Click to expand...
lmao :LOL:

CrazyHarij said:
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

Grateful for the opportunity, the father claps his hands and immediately gets down all fours and shits his pants. His naked son runs over with a cheese grater and begins to grind his dad's shit-filled slacks, while jerking himself off into his pop's face. In seconds, because of his furious grinding, he hits pay dirt as shit, blood and anal mucous begin to run.

This cues the women to take random pop-shots at the men with shotguns, while sitting naked on their dog, who's laying upside with his furry paws rammed tight up their asses.

The women paddle their way closer to the men while reciting the Lord's Prayer backwards.

The boy then wraps his muscular thighs around his dad's neck. The dad, choking and slapping his son's back -- his face turning blue -- pulls out a knife and starts stabbing his son in the back of the neck while jerking himself off.

By this time, the women have paddled themselves over. They jump off the dog, tell him to stay, start kicking him in the balls relentlessly. They scream obscenities at God, pouring gasoline over the whimpering pooch, light it on fire, laugh and begin ****ing each other up the ass with the shotguns.

The men run over with their hardened dicks caked in blood and shit. They piss on the burning dog, after which they ram their cocks into the ladies' mouths while dumping buckets of water over them so they can't breathe.

The ladies start to shit. Their diarrhea begins to trickle into a pool. The father and son start lapping it up. The mother and daughter jump on their shoulders, queef on their necks, throw their arms in the air and all look up shouting: Ta-D-a-a-a-a.

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
Click to expand...
WTF ROFL :D:D:D
 
CrazyHarij said:
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

Grateful for the opportunity... ...the air and all look up shouting: Ta-D-a-a-a-a.

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
Click to expand...

You cant say **** but you can write all that?

Funny thou.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

Krynn72
You guys, what the **** is up.
Replies
11
Views
2K
Tollbooth Willie
Tollbooth Willie
Tollbooth Willie
To Those That Stand, Those That Fell
Replies
6
Views
2K
Tollbooth Willie
Tollbooth Willie
MFL
Fascinating look at the ongoing psychological evolution of flat hieirarchies.
Replies
2
Views
2K
Tollbooth Willie
Tollbooth Willie
bbson john
Hi everyone. I am new to this forum!
Replies
11
Views
6K
Tollbooth Willie
Tollbooth Willie
B
Marc Laidlaw releases Half-Life 2: Episode Three's plot
Replies
32
Views
39K
BabyHeadCrab
BabyHeadCrab
Back
Top