The Daily Citizen - a many people post newspaper

[AJ Rimmer]

The Combine C- Channel network increases funds to prime time shows

The Combine Channel has decided to take a bold step forward in the race against the all-time number one competetor, Universal Union 24/7 information network.
The new fall schedule is, says the president of the CCC network, a sure fire recipe for entertainment. The new cooking show, Combine Cooking, a Culinary Celebration, demonstrates to citizens how with just basic raw supplies, a little imagination and some careful planning, one can create the greatest food in the world.
Combine Coaching, an exciting exercise program sure to put every person in City 17 touching their toes mixes a wonderful dose of Motivation, Entertainment and fitness to ensure no-one in City 17 gets too much of the good from Combine Cooking
The CCC network also has a whole set of series to air, including Combine Class- an inside look into Combine Cociety.(-spelling? /Ed.)(No, that's really how it's spelt /Rimmer), an educational channel on the development of Combine Society. Combine CP Casting is a program divulging some of the questions you've always had on how the Civil Protection really works, and finally, Close Cuarters, a Combine Cameo Continuing CP Caga. (again, sorry 15357) is an exciting new reality show, ten CPs stuck in a house with ten Overwatch soldiers for a hundred days, watched by scanners 24/7 - How will they cope?

Be sure to tune cin to the Combine Channel, cevery night con The Combine C- Channel Network.

-Daily Citizen, CJ (-Your name is AJ /Ed) Rimmer

 

[Nemesis6]

Become a Servant of the Combine Eoday! Call the Combine operator today and state that you want to help the Combine!




Becoming a servant of the Combine is mainly, but is not in any way limited to - being a soldier or a police man. We reserve the right to use you for mutation and genetic research on you or transform you to stalker, a zombie, or use you as we see fit. Become a Servant of the Combine Today is a part of the Combine Volounteer Force program. All rights reserved.

 

[PyromaniacLVI]

Help the Scientific/research team today!

Want to earn extra money and help our benefactors don't want to join the overwatch™?

Volunteers are needed for "scientific tests" if you are intrested in getting some extra money or maybe some better rations then call your operator today and say that you would like to help!

NOTE: We are not responsible for injury due to the following: genetic alterations testing or weapon testing target duty. by reading this ad and calling your operator you are obligating yourself to secientific tests including but not limited to: tests of a genetic/mutagenic nature, tests for the effects of new weapons on the human body, misc. tensile strength/physics tests relating to human body tissues, and mind control/hypnosis tests etc. scanners™ are watching you reading this now and a unit of overwatch™ guards will be dispatched shortly to your location. We are also not responsible if you "mysteriously disappear" after "resisting" the overwatch™ guards that are coming to gather you for your duties that you have signed up for by reading this. ©Combine™ scientific/research team, all rights are belong to us.

 

[InstInct1085]

Information wanted on metrocop murder

The Combine Police asks for any citizen to come forward with information about the following:
On the 16th of May at 2.50 pm a metrocop has been brutally murdered.
He was reportedly investigating a strange smell coming out of an alley near the coast-edges of city 17. The last thing he reported was that he had found a few small balls, that glowed suspiciously. His final words were: "these are some soft balls, you can squeeze them easily, i even broke one of em". After which all that was heard was a cry of fear and anguish.
The metrocop was found with several puncture wounds, caused by a sharp object.
We are looking for a discription of the assailant, and any additional information that can be supplied.

Sincerely, a concerned police department.


Anyone withholding information about said event, will be "disciplined".

 

[15357]

YAY!!! Peope are actually posting!!! COOL! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HuRRAY!



um..... yes

 

[Agent G-Man]

BIG NEWS: 15357 said, "YAY!!! People are actually posting!!! COOL! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HuRRAY!"

 

[15357]

don't spam, thats the editors job (me)

 

[bliink]

C17 TV Guide
For the week starting 14th

9AM- Dr. Breen (Public address)
10AM- Dr. Breen (Public address)
11AM- Dr. Breen (Public address)
12AM- Dr. Breen (Public address)
1PM- Dr. Breen (Public address)
2PM- Dr. Breen (Public address)
3PM- Happo The Clown Show
4PM- Dr. Breen (Public address)
5PM- Dr. Breen (Public address)
6PM- Dr. Breen (Public address)
7PM- Dr. Breen (Public address)
8PM- Dr. Breen (Public address)

 

[Jintor]

Strider Malfunctions; recall sent out

In the news today: Combyota has recalled 350,000 of their Striders after concerns that the wheels were malfunctioning. It has been decided that all Striders recalled will be taken out and sent to city 17, for Dr Breen, our beloved ruler, to individually inspect the units.

"I, for one, think that these Striders will work better as 4-wheel drives without the wheels" says Combyota spokesman B77474. "We beleive that true freedom comes when we are without wheels. Obviously not everyone will be satisfied, but we can't please everyone. We heard that Dr Breen has desprate need for something as endurable as our 4WD's, the ones that cause the most damage when they crash. Hell, these things can even withstand 5 rocket blasts! All for 19,950CC!"

The SUV's have been outperforming APC's in almost every step, combining a complete lack of weight with a maximum of damage, when they crash. Despite the impossibility of seeing anything from the driver's side of the cabin, it has been decided that the Striders will be given to lucky citizens of City 17.

Reports are continueing.

 

[Sieg]

Imagine how much money you can make by selling porn magazines to Breen......

 

[Edcrab]

The G-man has already cornered that market. Apparently, we can expect a world-shattering news report sometime in the coming week- it's said that Breen shuns human women for a vastly different kind of female :O

 

[tinyxipe]

Ewww.

Not bullsquids, I hope.

Although that would be quite a scoop...

 

[Edcrab]

Reporter: Excuse me, Mr G- may I call you that?

G-man: No.

Reporter: Well, G, I can't help but notice that your merrily warping reality to beat a path to the Citadel, is that right?

G-man: Y-yes. The b-borderworld- Xen- makes for a gr-great shortcut, if one ignoresss the exc-crement that those vandals s-smear across the f-footpaths.

Reporter: Uh, right. But dare I ask what's in the box?

G: A v-vast selection of pornography. R-rather like myssself in my youth.

Reporter: What?

G: I'm a s-smut merchant in my spare time. Y-you'd be amazed just how many of th-these insane dictators are lacking sssocially. Nihilanth was my number one customer, but frankly his tastesss were a l-little... different.

Reporter: So you're instrumental in Breen's downfall and you're peddling porn to him?!

G: With a massive profit, yesss. Can I interest you in a copy of "Star Whores: Episode 3"?

 

[bliink]

Reporter: Excuse me, Mr G- may I call you that?

G-man: No.

Reporter: Well, G, I can't help but notice that your merrily warping reality to beat a path to the Citadel, is that right?

G-man: Y-yes. The b-borderworld- Xen- makes for a gr-great shortcut, if one ignoresss the exc-crement that those vandals s-smear across the f-footpaths.

Reporter: Uh, right. But dare I ask what's in the box?

G: A v-vast selection of pornography. R-rather like myssself in my youth.

Reporter: What?

G: I'm a s-smut merchant in my spare time. Y-you'd be amazed just how many of th-these insane dictators are lacking sssocially. Nihilanth was my number one customer, but frankly his tastesss were a l-little... different.

Reporter: So you're instrumental in Breen's downfall and you're peddling porn to him?!

G: With a massive profit, yesss. Can I interest you in a copy of "Star Whores: Episode 3"?

thats quite funny

"G: I'm a s-smut merchant in my spare time." that line got me lol

 

[D.L]

Reporter: Excuse me, Mr G- may I call you that?

G-man: No.

Reporter: Well, G, I can't help but notice that your merrily warping reality to beat a path to the Citadel, is that right?

G-man: Y-yes. The b-borderworld- Xen- makes for a gr-great shortcut, if one ignoresss the exc-crement that those vandals s-smear across the f-footpaths.

Reporter: Uh, right. But dare I ask what's in the box?

G: A v-vast selection of pornography. R-rather like myssself in my youth.

Reporter: What?

G: I'm a s-smut merchant in my spare time. Y-you'd be amazed just how many of th-these insane dictators are lacking sssocially. Nihilanth was my number one customer, but frankly his tastesss were a l-little... different.

Reporter: So you're instrumental in Breen's downfall and you're peddling porn to him?!

G: With a massive profit, yesss. Can I interest you in a copy of "Star Whores: Episode 3"?

it's got expantion all over it: Half-life 2: lesuire suit g-man

 

[Agent G-Man]

BIG NEWS!!!!
Dr. Wallace Breen has agreed to surrender to the Resistance in exchange for the "G-Man" to give him all the explicit adult content in the universe!!!

 

[Edcrab]

G: Yesss, it is indeed a proud day for my c-cause... regrettably the d-dimensional warping required to put ssso much matter into one place may well kill us all, but itsss a r-risk I'm w-willing to let you t-take.

Reporter: Wha?!

G: All you n-need to do is place thisss box on the floor and the delivery will c-commence. If you dd-die horribly I'll just have Freeeman kill Breen. Perhapsss I'll see p-parts of your mutilated body in the e-ether.

Reporter: Ack.

 

[D.L]

how about making a fully fleged fan-fic?

 

[Edcrab]

(The following was found in an archive predating the Porn Apocalypse)

Reporter : What do you say to Ed, who has expressed interest in joining fellow forumites and writing a journalistic tale centring around the exploits of City 17's manic residents, including one incident where you're incarnated as a smut deliveryman?

G: I'd ssay, "put on some p-pants".

 

[Nemesis6]

We would like bring a message from the Combine - Many citizens have been heard speaking of a better life. Let us assure you that there is no place better to live than in City 17. Report anyone who says otherwise to your local Combine representative. You WILL be rewarded for you service.

In other news, Today, Saturday, has officially been resurrected. It is now what was once called "A day off". Now, "What does this mean?" you might ask. Before our glorious Combine saviours came and helped Earth on the right track, it is reported that the inhabitants of Earth had a tradition of not doing any sort of financially beneficial work, and lots of businesses were closed on the last two days of each week. They called these two days "the Weekend". So, what does this mean for you? Our benefactors have given us a day where you do not have to work, thus, all Combine run businesses will be closed throughout each Wednessday from now on, this prooves that the Combine are good and here to help.

And now for the weather, the glorious Combine has arranged for each Saturday to become Sunny, warm, and good. Hence, today will be as mentioned: Sunny, warm, and good. Remember, the Combine are your friends.

We now return to "The Combine and you"....

 

[15357]

TV guide causes massive riots and rebellions!

Rebels were seen tearing down telescreens and throwing TVs out of windows.

The staff of the show "Happo the Clown" were fired, than captured by the rebels, and promptly executed by headcrabbing.

Update at 6 o'clock.

 

[D.L]

A recent survey has confirmed the theory that the only reason the rebels are rebeling is the lack of sexual activity. To solve this problem the supression field will be removed and every man will be neutered and every women spayed, we have reason to belive that the operation performed on dogs will suffice for humans as well.
If any children are born, by sheer freak of nature they will be taken to a combine research facility for testing, if there are no problems they will be hired as a metrocop at the age of 18.
We do hope that any inconvienience caused by the supression field can be resolved with a simple snip, any further problems and the supression field will go back up and there will be strictly no more intergender cities.

 

[Jintor]

Pollution Abounds in City 17

"We are deeply concerned with the amount of pollution in City 17", said a spokesman for the Concerened, Oppressed, Manipulated and Buggered Inhabitants of a New Era (COMBINE). "The amount of Rocket smoke and destroyed APC's is clogging up this city, and clogging the pores of our children. Or at least it would, if we had any."

The COMBINE's research into the causes of such phenomenoms as pollution has come to a shocking conclusion: Rebels. "We think the Rebels are behind this" says the spokesman. "It's obvious - who else is destroying the lovely, peaceful Combine APC's with dreadful, fiery rockets? At least the combine have the right idea - i saw one today order a citizen to pick up a can and put it in the bin. Well, he knocked it out of the bin first, but at least he had the right idea."

The Daily Citizen endorses all views held by the COMBINE, especially those relating to Rebels and their total destruction and anihilation.

(PS Freeman, if you're reading this... You're our only hope! *crouches and looks sideways* Oh No DARTH BREEN!)

 

[15357]

Note to all staff: Jintor may not be coming soon as he is under investigation by the CCIA (combine central intelligence agency).

 

[Jintor]

*hides*


*on Endor*

I didn't say that....

 

[bboymatty]

City 17 blood drive!

Combine Forces will be patrolling your local communities as of next week during their first annual mandatory blood drive.

your forced 2 Pint donation of blood will be taken using a large 24 gauge needle. You may feel woozy and become unconscious.

It is normal for you to wake up from this reaction with a large, bloody scar over your abdomen indicating where your liver used to be. This is normal.

Your blood will be used to produce the coming years rations of tomato sauce, Strawberry Jam and some types of explosive.

Thankyou,
City 17 Chief Human Researcher,
Xychiusrk The Hairy

 

[15357]

Manhunt for Jintor!

The CCIA is tracking Jintor and have now commenced the most large manhunt in the history of the Universal Union.

His whereabouts are currently unknown.

 

[D.L]

Wanted; civilians who are sick of their lives and want an 'easy' way out.
Please report to the CRF(combine research Facility) and stick your head into the 'donation' box, this very much represents the guilitine. Participants will recieve a prototype headcrab of your choosing.
Includes the new and improved drink dispensing zombie(releases orange beverage for its owner) perfect for the front lines for our overwatch with a dry throat.
Will recieve no pay. May put an impedement on social life.

 

[Agent G-Man]

WANTED: Father Grigori

REWARD: 1,000 credits (Combine currency)

Individual is wanted for the murder of head-crabbed civilians in Ravenholm.

Caution: Individual is certifiably insane and armed with a shotgun rifle whom he named Annabelle. Individual uses traps and fast, poison, and normal zombies for defense, uh, attack. Individual is considered armed and dangerous

Tips: arm yourself with a cross to gain his trust, then at the right opportunity, terminate him.

 

[Agent G-Man]

WANTED: Gordon Freeman

REWARD: Loyalty of the Combine

Individual is wanted for the murder of Combine Metro Police, Soldiers, and Elite Soldiers. Wanted also for disrupting the control of the Combine on Earth.

Caution: Gordon Freeman is near-invincible, considered armed and the only individual that can destroy the Combine on Earth. Individual is armed with the following:

1. crowbar

2. Zero Point Energy Field Manipulator (Gravity Gun)
Info: Gravity Gun is able to manipulate non-organic objects
Update: Gravity Gun has been supercharged with Combine Energy and is able to now manipulate organic objects and shoot a disintegrating beam

3. H&K USP Match .45 Pistol

4. 357. Magnum

5. H&K MP7 PDW SMG
Info: Weapon has sec. fire that launches a grenade. It is not known how or where the grenade is launched

6. Franchi SPAS-12 Gauge Shotgun
Info: Weapon has sec. fire that fires 2 pellets

7. Overwatch Standard Issue Pulse Rifle
Info: Weapon has sec. fire that will shoot a fusion core that will disintegrate anything organic

8. Crossbow
Info: Arrows are super-heated and will instant-kill any human-sized enemies

9. Laser-guided Rocket Propelled Grenade Launcher (RPG)

10. Fragmentation Grenade

11. Pherapods (Bugbait)
Info: Bugbait is able to attract Antlions in Antlion spawning areas and will attack anything that Pherapods are thrown at

Rumors are that Gordon Freeman can place all weapons at his disposal into his suit

Individual is also armored with an HEV Suit. (Hazardous Enviromental Suit) The HEV Suit is a powered suit that has reactive armor that provides flexible resistance against various forms of impact and insulation against electrical discharge, radiation, and corrosive chemicals and vapors.

Ineffective methods of destroying Gordon Freeman:

1. Combine Metro Police, Soldiers, and Elite Soldiers
2. Combine APCs, Helicopters, Gunships, Striders, and Dropships
3. All types of headcrabs and zombies
4. Barnacles, Antlions, and Antlion Guards
5. Manhacks and Rollermines
6. The Administrator, Dr. Wallce Breen
7. The Combine

Allies of Gordon Freeman
1. Barney Calhoun, , Dr. Kleiner, Alyx Vance and Eli Vance
2. Dog (a robot built by Eli Vance to protect Alyx Vance and has been upgraded for years into a gigantic robot and is very powerful and can lift almost anything)
3. Civilian resistance
4. Vortigaunts (Xenian aliens that can shoot green beams of electricity)
5. Father Grigory ( an insane priest that is armed with a shotgun rifle lives in Ravenholm. Yes, lives in Ravenholm)

It is up to the citizens of City 17 to stop this individual that can destroy the Combine on Earth.

In the words of the collaborating Administrator, Dr. Wallace Breen: Remember. Be wise. Be safe. Be aware.

P.S. The quote above is not meant to cause citizens to think that they can be wise, safe, and aware by assisting Gordon Freeman

 

[Jintor]

Report from the Bunker

The following is an edited transcript of the final hour (well, minutes) of Jintor, BsC, SsC. (AJ Rimmer, you know what i'm talking about)

They're on to me. I know it, i can hear them coming. They Combine are going to take me and (put me in a land full of flowers and fields and happy things - ed). There's even this thing they do with a cheesegrater. I bet it's very (lovely - ed). They're gonna take me to that (palace - ed) of a Citadel and dump me in (the luxerious guest rooms - ed) There's no way I'm gonna give in. They'll all die (rebels, that is - ed). My son... my wife.... forgive me...

There is nothing else in this world worth living for (except the glory of the combine - ed)

HAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

*dies*

Luckily, at this point, semi-cloning technology has been perfected and Jintor's mind is somewhere in the vast sea of perfection that is the Citadel.

Ed.

 

[bliink]

Newsflash
A large dimensonal singularity formed atop the C17 citadel today, causing a massive explosion of quantum particles, the size of a 500Mt Hydrogen Bomb.

It is suspected that someone fell asleep in bed whilst smoking a cigarette.

 

[ramdomthought]

City 17 invaded by Genekdazoinkians!

Earlier today, our very own City 17 was invaded. Genekdazoinkians are those little ants that crawl around Elgoog searching for all the information in the world backwards. Of course our very own Admin Breen made sure that we surrendured in 5 hours, to set the record in the books. Cont'd on E8

 

[Edcrab]

Now the question on everyone's lips- is the Citadel destroyed?

Due to the explosion, which warped both time and the dimensions themselves, no one knows what will happen next, as we're stuck in the same chronological period for eternity until an entity dubbed "Hal'th Li'vv T'hr'ii" by the Vortiguants appears amongst us.

Speculation is rife, ranging from the utter destruction of the planet, to the devastation of City 17 or the Citadel merely having a level sheared off by the energy blast. For now, we'll all have to live in the same few days, and let time return to the same point whenever the Citadel explosion occurs.

In other news, gambling rings and horse race organisers the world over have gone broke.

 

[15357]

Notice

The combine central intelligence agency(CCIA) has declared City 17 infested by rebels and rebel sympathizers.

A spokesperson from the CCIA said today: "The citadel is safe! It is not destroyed! And, we are rebuilding it! If it had been destroyed, that is. Also, traitor behavior will not be tolerated although there are no traitors. We are executing the non-existing traitors now. Beware the dangers of magical thinking. Good day to you."

Edcrab was summoned to the CCIA and was questioned for his fear-mongering behavior for 23 hrs. He is now under house arrest until further inquirys have been made.

 

[Jintor]

So, are we still running this from a Combine Propaganda point? Or are we now truely the Daily Citizen?

 

[15357]

ahh, well um.......

THE COMBINE FUNDS THE DAILY CITIZEN AND PAYS YOU!

edit: this week's theme is: the happiness of the citizens in C17.

now, be smart, be safe :smoking:

 

[Iamthemonkey]

This month several citizens were SO happy with our combine overlords that they jumped of a building and commited suicide.

 

[bboymatty]

far out bliink, 500 megatons! i wouldnt want to be anywhere within 2,000 ks of that thing!

 

[15357]

we have freedom of speech.







but not after speech........